Burritt Family Updates

2012-01-25T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling the need to be candid with u right now...it's been a huge struggle for me the past few weeks or so as to how two "little" ones...whom I love and adore have this ability to beat me down and frey every last nerve I can find...it must be a mixture of winter and this HORRIBLY LONG month among other things! Keegan has decided to throw a curve ball at me and cut his naps as well as wake everyone up at ungodly hours of the morning...if I could even call it morning...I'm tired...and the days r long and yes I'm complaining...this is hard...Even right now as i'm typing this, i am in the midst of the biggest battle of wills i've had to date with keegan. He is crying in his room for me to come, and here i sit not going up until he stops crying. I don't have the answers, which is why i can only pray and beg God to give me some sort of insight to be able to get through to him. I feel disheveled and beaten down...and this discourages me but also has brought perspective for me...with my dearest little men come with them their sweet little problems (although they seem like mountains for us all at the time)...and with age and maturity (or lack there of)...come a pile of BIG problems...I need to stay thankful and humbled that somehow God chose this path for me...for reasons I'm realizing r true blessings. Things like being able to empathize and relate to others whom r also single parents. My boys r so precious but so often...I choose dishes or cleaning over that sacred time with them, and before long that time will have passed me by...I pray I keep that in mind...Jesus keep my perspective where it matters most! I need to keep making sure i'm parenting in a way that brings Glory to God...something that humbles and terrifies me! Some days r so good and others are just a series of uphill battles...we have all been there, i find comfort in knowing i'm not the only one! I just felt the need to vent, hoping u don't mind it!
Aside from this, the boys r good! Corban is losing teeth...#2 is about ready to fall out and he loves being around people and spending time with his aunt and uncle and cousins...Keegan is a sweetheart...stubborn and persisent at times but a mischievous little sweetheart and we r in that stage where he tries every bit of patience I have...but his heart is so sweet and he is SO colorful in his actions and reactions...and lately both boys would talk every minute of the day if I let them! Makes me smile...and appreciate what my parents must have gone thru raising me;)

It's Colin's birthday tomorrow (26th)...the second one without him being here...he would have been 31!! I can guaruntee u I would be buggin him just like I bug my brother and Nat about being over 30:)..oops! sorry for throwing that out there! ;)
We woulda had ice cream and supper with my family...who knows what me and the boys would have found for him for a present...that thought is so unsettling right now...who knows...I don't know what he would have been into at this point or been excited to want to have for his birthday....it's been a year and a half already...and so quickly u forget those teeny tiny details...it scares me to death that I'm not going to remember things for when the boys want to know certain details....and at times in the last week...guilt has crept in and made its home in my mind....because reality is...He's not here anymore...I will always love him...he was my first "one true love"...he gave me so much love and happiness and he blessed me with the boys...but I can't possibly move forward if I'm not allowing myself to let go...but how do you let go and prevent the time and distance in making you forget? I feel caught between a rock and hard place...and naturally there will be things that we r gonna forget...I guess I'm thankful for our memories thru so many pictures and videos...
And in being honest with all of these thoughts...I second guess myself on these kinds of posts because half the time they don't make sense to me...it's kind of just what's swirling around inside that I need to get out or I'll explode! I need to be honest and real and I guess in doing that I take a risk of exposing myself. It's kind of a scary place to be, but it frees me as well. i'm on this crazy cool path of discovering who God made me to be and how He is using these events and experiences in my life to rewire my heart and mind. i'm realizing that there are things about me which i need some constant prayer and working on...i'm a pleaser...who knew?! well, maybe the people closest to me knew all along, but i'm just figuring out what God wants to teach me through this, and try my darnest to have Him rewire these stubborn tendancies in me...the list is WAY too long to share in the things i feel like He wants me to shed and do some "house cleaning" to make more room for His presence in me, but i'm workin on it! My perspective is changing...who am i in God's huge master plan?! Why am i so quick to live so selfishly that He is here for me, and not that i am here for this time for HIM....these switches have come from a book we are studying through on wednesday mornings called "crazy love" by Francis Chan....wow...i'm humbled and convicted and in awe, and so thankful...and we are only in the first Chapter! More growing pains...they hurt...
Now, i feel like i've unloaded what i need too, Keegan is still crying, and so the waiting game goes on...Jesus please bring a resolve that teaches both of us what we need to differently to be better!
I guess there are some days that i'm not afraid to admit that i have started the bedtime countdown...and yes my friends, it's just after lunch!

2012-01-08T12:19:00.001-08:00

So my saved copy of a half blog post in Microsoft Word is just going to have to wait...For some reason, my inspiration seems to be best thought out when written off the top of my head...and today i'm inspired!
It has become evidently clear to me in the last couple days that God is reminding me of a really cool thing. The amazing simplicity of our faith doesn't happen in the troubled times and crises of life. Although God wants nothing more than to lead us through the fire in safety and protection...and believe me when i say i've experienced first hand the power of prayer and protection in our darkest moments in life! BUT How dare we sell God short of living true freedom and the abundance of blessing by ONLY coming to Him in those toughest of times...God desires to shower His love and provisions over us EACH day...good and bad, sickness and health...if its so easy for us to make those vows and promises to our spouses and family members...why do we forget our Creator?! Afterall, His plans for us are perfect and His timing is exact and calculated to bring about such Grace and peace and JOY...How dare we sell Him short of all that He could do in and through us?! i made a promise to God and to myself that once things settled down in our lives, that things wouldn't settle down in my faith...that lukewarm laziness that happens when we really dont NEED God, because life is good and things are going well for us...To be truly honest, I experienced a revival, an awakening in my soul in the darkest moments of my deepest pain and loss...and i have to say that i am forever changed from it...it grieves me to think i used to be the kind of person to really come to the Feet of Jesus only when i had a need...financial, the kids, Colin's job related...How dare I use such a selfless and Holy God at my disposal and kick Him aside when i felt i could do life better...i'm convicted but also humbled that God would still choose to keep loving me, keep using me, and want to keep growing me...and now that those changes have happened and that awakening is in me...i'm excited!! i'm excited to see things happening around me, God awakening others and drawing us closer so we can grow together! 2012 is a year that i have a quiet anticipation for what God wants to do in my family and friends lives and its going to be a year of being blessed in our faith and in growing and learning what God desires for us!
My Utmost For His Highest puts it so perfectly (excuse my paraphrasing), So often our prayers are only prayed when we have a need and we eagerly expect the answers we desire...but in essence, God's heart's cry for our prayers to be a way to be close to Him, whether we seek answers or just to talk...He is ALWAYS there, and believe it or not, He too, has so much He wants to share with us!
I am SO encouraged by the fact that our Faith is a journey of growth and learning...if we really grasp the importance of our relationship with Christ, we can't stay in one spot, as life throws us battles and experiences, we don't ever stay the same, nor does our relationships with our people close to us, and nor should our relationship with our God!
AND how cool is it that this morning in church our pastor is so very pointedly preaching on breathing new life into our spiritual growth...that our faith has to change and grow or else, we're going to seriously miss out!! Hold on, this new year has come and if we're not careful, we can miss out on so much of the inspiration that God wants to use to change us and breathe new life in us!

One thing i do want to add is that this Christmas was such a welcomed change from last year...We welcomed being at home enjoying time with family and friends and of course having Keegan get a bad case of croupe right before, we barely made it to Christmas without him being hospitalized...but God was good, He allowed us to all stay home and get healthy and enjoy our quiet rest! I have ALWAYS loved staying at home for Christmas and although the sting was still there that Colin couldnt be with us on Christmas morning to watch the boys open gifts, the 3 of us talked a lot about what Daddy was doing with Jesus and what kinds of festivies would be happening in Heaven for His Birthday! What a party that would be!!
AND to ring in the new year...the boys finally saved enough money for their fish!! i have promised them fish for a long time so we enjoyed taking a family field trip to the pet store to get them each a fish and a little tank and all the decorations to make the fishies comfortable in their new home!
So now its January, and even though this time of year always makes me a bit sad...that my favorite time of year has once again come to an end, and that January seems to be the longest most boring month out of the entire year...i'm looking forward to the adventures of 2012...to what we can accomplish and to what God has to show us!!

I am not one to send out Christmas cards or holiday letters, but i guess this is what's on my heart at the moment and i just thought i would share it, if only to get it out and process through it for myself...i pray u can take tidbits and be encouraged or challenged in what God has for you this coming year!

Blessings to you and yours,
Melissa

A Mish Mash of the Past Few Months!

2011-12-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here at my computer this morning, coffee in hand..or on the desk in front of me...shaking my head at how long it's been since i've sat down to write a post...Thanksgiving! October 8th?~ Wow, has it really been that long??? It feels like just yesturday...there used to be a time when i was so afraid of the dreaded dragging on of everyday...those days when you look at the clock and wonder how only 3 minutes have passed when it feels like 30?? Thankfully those days aren't so often around here... the boys and i have fallen into this really good groove...we have finally figured out how to be a good little team of 3! i'm not saying that everyday is easy with a 6 and 3 year old...but i have figured out how to embrace God's gift of JOY in my life...and it has brought me to this beautiful place of contentment! I have been feeling for a little while like i need to fill you in on the boys...tell you about the growth and changes i've seen in them over the past year and a half since their Daddy has been in Heaven. Our dearest Corban has obviously had the brundt of the pain because he is the oldest and he and Colin were literally inseparable...and there are still things i have very vivid flashbacks about...still even now...i'm remembering parts of what we went through..i guess that's the beauty of getting them in small doses...you sort through them and grieve them as they come...anyways, about a week ago, i was reminded of that moment. The moment i most felt terrified for, and so unprepared to do. The moment Corban walked up our front steps and came through the front door and saw me sitting on the couch (which, when Colin was in his last weeks, i NEVER did). The moment he saw me sitting down, it was instant, he immediately asked where Daddy was, and it was then i had to do the most horrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life...I had to tell my little boy that his Daddy was gone and he could never come back. i'm crying even now typing this...i think that's why this blog has been my saving Grace in processing these memories. In that moment of such extreme pain in Corban's world i prayed he would someday understand that there was nothing else for Colin but to be healed in Heaven, and that we would all try to wrap our heads around this new reality. i will never forget his cry...as a mom , especially with young kids, you have this God-given ability to be able to take away the pain of your kids...That is my job...and nothing i could say or do in that moment and so many moments to follow could, or ever will, be able to take that pain away from my boys...i have these times of grief not for me, but i feel i'm grieving for them...those times and memories they have been robbed of with their Dad. BUT...i am thankful...because we have made to sure to draw near to God in our pain, and He promised that He would draw near to us. And He has...we are in a good place. We can think back and remember Colin with happy faces and not crying hurting hearts. We miss him, so so much, but now we can sit and cuddle on the couch and talk about what our favorite things about Colin were. This is a place that seemed like an unattainable goal at times. I am SO thankful to be in this place with my boys. Just yesturday Keegan and i were getting groceries and while waiting in line a lady made a comment to Keegan about playing with his Daddy...and Keegan smiled so matter of factly and said respectfully, that his Daddy is in Heaven. She looked at me so embarrassed and suprised and i warmly tried to ease the akwardness of the situation...its our reality now, and it's ok...God is good, we are Blessed and we have so much to be thankful for, and i make it my priority to help the boys understand that.
My sweet Corban was at skating lessons last week where they ended the class with getting balloons, and while we were getting our skates off and readying to leave the rink a little girl not much older than 2, accidentally popped her balloon...her face was so sad and her head sunk with such disappointment that she no longer had her balloon...and without hesitation, Corban walked over to her and gave her his balloon...i could not have been more proud in that moment of seeing his heart swell, and that light bulb moment of experiencing how good it feels to give...what a lesson, what a gift! i'm learning to understand the person God is molding him to be...He is so kind, generous and concerned about others and making them feel welcomed and loved...He is a typical firstborn trying so hard to help parent Keegan...which i constantly keep reminding him that its my job and he gets the best role of being big brother and best friend to Keegan.
My little keegie bear is musical and free-spirited, which is in the meaning of his name...He loves to sing and dance, and more than anything he loves to laugh and make others laugh...he, too, is learning to share and figuring out that its better to listen to our rules and evade consequences, for a much happier mommy, and much happier Keegan in the long run:) He is 3, we have our moments, and our days, but he is a blessing!
I have been blessed with both my boys wanting to cuddle ALOT...i won't ever wish away the times when i have SO much to do around the house but the best moments for me is to drop it all and just sit. Sit and talk, sit and laugh, or sit and be silent...but what a gift and a lesson for me. These are those most important times that i won't ever regret taking! Our favorite things to do together has been playing nerf guns, tossing (gently) around the football in the basement which usually ends in a wrestling/tickling match! Corban has found a love for lego and keegan is usually somewhere in his imagination being a brave knight fighting off the dragons that keep popping up all over the house;) Life is so good!

Last weekend, I was able to have 2 dreams of mine come true...some girls i've been friends with for so long, and myself...all went to Las Vegas for 4 days...our mission was to run the Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 marathon that routes along the entire strip and around the sights of VEGAS...13.1 miles seemed like a good idea...Vegas and the race were 2 things on my bucket list, and we were on a mission to do some shopping as well as just take in the sights and sounds of a city that never sleeps! Our trip started with a limo ride which toured us around before heading to our hotel (Planet Hollywood)...WOW...it was like out of a movie! Little ol' Small-town-girl was on sights and sounds overload! There were 44,000 people registered for the race itself...5000 for the full marathon and the rest running the half with the four of us! We were wall to wall people the entire 13.1 miles! Early on, when i realized my high hopes for a good finish time would not be at all possible, i set my goal to run the entire race...i wanted to say i RAN it ALL...it seemed like a great goal for the first 6 miles...but rounding mile 9 i was in tears and every joint in my lower body was SCREAMING for me to stop...BUT i prayed...i asked God to give me the strength and endurance i needed to push through the pain and keep going, to keep my mind strong in the fight i was having within myself to stop...and by 2hours and 29minutes, i had crossed the finish line!! Everything in me hurt...but i think that what was so bittersweet for me was that i was all alone...obviously the 4 of us girls couldn't stay together the whole way through, but the one person i shared my dreams of running too, was Colin...i again, i was brought back to the day we were driving home from the hospital, after transplant, and he asked me a very pointed question.."what do u want? What can i do for u to say thank u for caring for me?" and i said i wanted to run...so that Christmas 2009, he bought me my first "fitted" pair of runners and when everyone was asleep each day for their afternoon naps, i would go for my run...a time when i would zone out, and just be me, with no demands on me or anything required of me...just me and fresh air and my music as loud as i wanted in my ears!
I wore those runners last week for my first race...and i cried when i finished that he wasn't there...something that for one of the first times in my life, i've dreamed of and followed through on...that was emotional for me...i have proven to myself that it's ok to dream, and that i am capable (with a lot of help from my God) to see those dreams happen! So...I did it...but don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean i'm hooked to the races now...i think my 1/2 marathon is crossed off and i have no wishes at this point to do another...someday in the near future i will do my full marathon, but i am content to wait until the freshness of the pain eases from my mind on this one!
The trip and the girls i was with were once in a lifetime, and i am SO thankful i had the oppertunity to go..my parents and Natalie being SO generous to take the kids while i was away! Even though it was anything BUT relaxing, i felt recharged and thankful to have had some time away...it made me better appreciate my role as a mom...it was SO healthy to do that...
As Christmas rushes up out of nowhere, i am SO excited to have the desire to want to stay at home...I didn't have that last year and we were ever so grateful to go to my aunt and uncles' farm in Hanna to get away! But this year, being surround by family and friends is my wish come true...I am completely surrounded by people who love me and the boys and we are this beautiful family who can be real with each other and grow together in our journey's (wherever they may be at) with God! We are happy, but i think it goes so much deeper than that. I have JOY...having gone through pain and our journey of healing, I see the Grace of a God who loves me more than anything in this world, and i have promise after promise that He won't ever let us fall...isn't that what He intended for His Grace to be?! That soft pillow landing from the depth of the pain and suffering that goes on in this world! I have a gift that i am forgiven and that someday me and the boys will get to see Colin again and fill him in on all of our adventures after he left...I have JOY because we have come so far, and we are still going, i'm excited for what is coming for us...for what God is doing in and through us...I have HOPE because of a little baby boy, born so many years ago with a very concrete purpose to save me and all those i love from death, and bypass us right through to true life itself, the way God intended from the very beginning of time...oh to get a glimpse of that life!!! But when i look at it through the perspective of pure JOY, i guess i have glimpses, everyday, wherever i am!
My prayer is for you too, to find that same gift of JOY and God's amazing Grace in this season!
Merry Christmas!!!
xox
Luv, Melissa

SO Full of SO Much Thanks!!

2011-10-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

I love those times when i find a thought provoking concept that just makes me excited and inspires me...i think its like the concrete examples that God can show us He is growing us! Sometimes, i have to digest these things in my heart before i get them out...usually in written form...this blog has been my “journal”...so i thank you again for allowing me to bare my soul and share these times of growth and inspiration with others...my prayer is that God can use a morsel of my words to speak to you and bring your heart closer and draw out that intense inspiration that only God can bring!
So i’m loving the beginning of the school year when activites get started again and we can be apart of our community of friends to connect....Wednesdays Mornings, there is a large group of ladies who meet together (along with great coffee) and this is my time to do be with friends who can share their wisdom and experiences...and i’ve been able to get into a parenting book that is already challenging me and breaking down the stereotypes that we silently place on ourselves and on our families. I’ve been realizing that my “ideal” life is a non-existant...but by who’s standards do we place these impossibly high expectations on ourselves...and how much JOY are we robbing ourselves and our families of, by not measuring up!
I was asked to share a bit of my story last weekend at a women’s retreat in Elkwater...and it was there i met a woman who challenged me, yet again, to take a closer look at the standards i’m placing on me and the boys. It convicted me...and it made me sad at the time i have spend wasting on being impatient or busy “doing” instead of just “being”. Its a freeing concept to be completely honest...being “real” is just how i desire us to be...God doesn’t use perfectly put together people, He uses the broken and bruised who are on their knees knowing that the only ideal is to be used and loved by a God who just wants to love us!!
The guest speaker who is from Calgary, at the retreat, introduced this concept of “living loved”....which means that there is this constant buffer because no matter what we go through in this life...we know...undoubtedly that we are loved by our support system around us...that no matter what the risk involved, we can have freedom to jump because even if we fail, we are loved....i think that this concept is so simple yet so profound...isn’t that what God has designed in family and friends and the body of Christ on this earth to be?! We are loved...no matter what....so lets be real...to share when we are tired, angry, hurt or full of Praise....instead of judging and comparing ourselves and others....lets love and create that safe buffer of love....then it occurred to me, I AM LOVED...and i am so filled to overflowing in how that blesses my each and every day!
During the time that Colin was sick after he had relapsed...when we both just “knew” he was terminal...i made a promise both to him and to myself...to keep dreaming, and that by dreaming those dreams, i would commit to the risk...the risk in living my most dreaded fear...single parenting...risking to navigate through this life without him, to seek God in who I am, and risk following Him into the unchartered territory ahead. I committed to not just staying safe but to step out and blindly trust....it has truly changed me, it has brought freedom, and allowed me to really live...for that i am SO thankful!

Please forgive me if this is scattered...i just don’t want to lose what i’ve got in my heart so i need to just express it and pray God puts it into perfect order!
Another weird thought just occurred to me...this is already the second Thanksgiving without Colin...i have to be honest, last year was WAY too quiet and we had no plans...this year it was my prayer to be completely surrounded by family and that is exactly what is happening, some actual family and others my extended family of bonded friends....WE ARE LOVED...and i am SO thankful....Colin is in such a beautiful place, how can i not just be so full of praise for the blessings around us...my heart is so full...we are so very blessed...i have no words to full express that!
That’s why these Holidays are filled with so much more richness and depth...our celebrations are just the extension of what is happening in Heaven!
The most precious thing i am Thankful for is the gift of life that God gave through His Son...
I believe...not because i was raised in this faith, and not because i feel the need to keep the rules and law of any given religion...but because I am a sinner....conflict and worry, my need to control and my discontentment...this sin leads to death without any way out. Jesus, He, is the way out...by taking on all the sin and disease of this world, he cancelled everything, every debt and washed my slate clean by His precious blood and His life...my desire is to live a life that is being inspired by a God who gave His only son to die on my behalf! How dare i keep that gift to myself or keep it contained inside...FOR THIS I AM THANKFUL....for the freedom of being able to have this voice to share it and be real with what makes me excited and truly feeling alive!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

after reading this post back, it literally just spilled out of me...these words exactly how they are, are what is in my heart...untouched in the mumble jumble of it all...but i guess that's how i wanted it to be...just real, and 100% me:)

2011-09-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

Is it really almost OCTOBER?!?!?! Where have i been?! Or a better question is "what the heck have we been up too, that i just can't get my act together enough to post more often?!?!"
The highlite of the past month or two was that last weekend, I got to go on a quick "girls" trip to Calgary for the Keith Urban concert!!! WOW! What an amazingly fantastic show! honestly, more than anything i enjoyed being with the girls and just letting go of my world and just zoning out with some amazing music for an entire evening! I had a blast and it recharged me to just regroup and take some "me" time:)That makes me a better parent, and my boys were in the most amazing hands Thanks to my amazing parents. Because i knew they were having a blast and being well taken care of, i was able to do it...that is a blessing all in itself...don't know what i'd do without them! i'm so very thankful!
I find lately with having been busier this summer and not posting blogs so often...I am internalizing a lot more of my thoughts and feelings...which causes those same pot holes of worry and doubt to creep in and tear up a beautiful paved road that I've asked God to heal...sure I have my scares...my road will never be completely free and smooth...but I need to make sure I'm aligning myself with Gods plans...my hearts desire is to share my life with someone I love...I found my hearts desire once and I married him and we created a beautiful life together...simple and full of so much love and life...that pot hole of guilt...in thinking I've had it already once...would I ever be so blessed to have God grant me that kind of love again? I can't worry about those things that aren't here...it's foolish to wish for plans that r selfish...God has to have something more...I have to keep trusting In His plans to be so much richer and fuller than I could ever dream!
I am inspired to once again be content...in whatever stage of life God has me in right at this moment...to truly believe that there is no greater place than this...but what a conflicting place for one's heart to be...I believe God plants dreams in our hearts and desires more than anything for us to dream Big! So today my prayer is that I may be faithful in trusting that God has a master plan and that somehow He has something exciting for me in that plan...and that my dreams and my hearts desires will be moulded out of His hearts desire for me...to let go and let God...and know that beyond this life is the absolute mind-blowing destination that we have been created for in the first place...this earth only being a pitstop along the way to our eternity in a foreverness of hope and peace and anything beyond what we could ever ask for or imagine! Now Try to wrap ur head around that!!! 'gives me goosebumps!'
Over the last year, I have been pushed out into the cold and forced to take a leadership role desperately seeking where God wants me and my boys for the rest of this life...because afterall, it was Colin’s time to go home, but my time is not up, it’s not over, i have to keep going whether i want too, at times, or not. My dad send me this email of a devotional he gets, and it was so perfectly written, and i’d love to share with you!

Key Bible Verse: Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.(Psalm 90:12)
God has the authority to shape a soul with his voice, bind it to matter, and send it into history. And he has the authority to sever my soul from my body and call it to another part of the stage. He has the authority to reuse the matter from my flesh in daffodils. I'm not worried. I'll get more.
There is no evil in his voice calling us to cross the Jordan, whether he calls us singly or in droves. There is no evil when he tells us to lay our first flesh down, no more than when he sends a caterpillar into its cocoon.
To his eyes, you never leave the stage. You do not cease to exist. It is a chapter ending, an act, not the play itself. Look to him. Walk toward him. The cocoon is a death, but not a final death. The coffin can be a tragedy, but not for long.
There will be butterflies.
I will die, and when I do—whether it be in my bed as age creeps over me, or struck by lightning, a meteor, or a UPS truck—[God's] hand will be the one that cuts the thread and shows me the path he blazed through tragedy. His finger will point to the parade.
The biggest lesson i can share with you is how i’ve learned not to be afraid of death, but to instead trust God with my story....in it’s entirety...because now, i’m starting to believe things for me again, i have faith and i trust that God still wants to grant me the desires of my heart...that makes me full of hope!
I will try my best to post again soon!
Love, Melissa

2011-08-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

ok, so i know i'm a few days late, but i need to tell you about the coolest thing that happened to me this past weekend! So my aunt is home in Hanna by herself and so she decided to come and stay with me and the boys for the weekend! So we did all the super fun girl things...ya know, stayed up so stupid late and talked each other's ears off...and in those late nite converstations i had mentioned to her that my poor bedroom was in need of a little facelift but i didn't want to paint or do anything drastic...so she told me we would pick out a few things and she would help me make it a pretty space just for me!
well, i can't even describe to you the beautiful room makeover she did....a complete transformation and it is now my beautiful oasis that is pretty and cozy and such a peaceful space for me to unwind! What a gift! She recruited some of my closest friends and Nat and they shut me out of my room for hours waiting to see the final reveal!
Even more than the room makeover, it was SO good for my heart to have our home busy and full of people...seriously, it just filled me to overflowing and i couldn't stop smiling! What a great weekend! I also have to credit my aunt for helping me do a little facelift to the blog as well, and showing me how to upload pics and all that fun stuff! man! i've been missing out on loads of fun with just posting!
One more week until school starts for Corban and this morning we are off to do back to school shopping and some groceries...just trying to keep busy and enjoy the last bit of summertime activites before the fall hits, but to be honest..i'm ready for the everyday grind of routine to come! What a great summer tho!
ok, without further adeu, i will post my before and after pics!

ps...just so you all know, i have never had a rhyme or reason to any bedroom i've ever had...just not creative like that, so this is a BIG dream come true for me!!!
THANK YOU...Auntie Dawna, Christine and Duane and Nat!!! You guys are amazing!

2011-08-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

WOW!! I can't believe it's been a month since i've updated this blog! let me tell you, i've been thinking about it SO much but to actually sit down and type is two different things! let me see...where do i begin...
Well i guess i need to tell you about our family holiday to Shushwap! I honestly can't even begin to describe to you how amazing it was! To have two entire families, the Motz's and the Ziegenhagels altogether at the lake!! 16 people ate together every night for supper and we all had a blast just hangin out swimming and skiing, boating and tubing! The weather wasn't amazing and the water levels were so high there wasn't much of a beach, but watching all our kids playing in the water and just being able to 'be' altogether was so refreshing and SO much needed!

I realized something one morning when me and the kids were at the water, just me sippin my coffee and our toes in the sand talkin....i realized that i feel "me" again...i feel healed...like i'm standing and those broken pieces have been healed over into beautiful scares that i won't ever hide or look away from, but i can smile and really laugh and just be "me" again...mind you, i promised Colin and myself that i would make some much needed changes and i am trying my best in making sure those changes become apart of me...things like not being afraid of risks...because whether i fall flat on my face or come out in success...i took a risk and it removes that fear that can literally paralyze a person from truly living! I have learned to be in the moment...that nothing else matters other than that very precious moment i'm in...because i'll never get it back! I have learned to breathe...just breathe and that through those beautiful cleansing, healing breaths, i have strength from my God who guides and protects me each step i take! I have learned that even though i have two young kids, being spontaneous is a pretty awesome thing, and i too, can be pretty spontaneous...i've been able to relax...to lose that worrisome nature that i have always hated about myself...i can be at peace in knowing there's a God bigger than us all who has promise 'little ol me' that HE can figure it all out FOR me!!!
I am also learning to allow myself to dream and i am discovering dreams from my childhood that i have stifled because i have just repeated that they just aren't possible...well why the heck NOT?!!? I can dream, and those dreams can come true! Just you wait!!!
Whoa, sorry, got a bit sidetracked there...where was i? oh yes, holidays, i proved to myself on holidays that i could camp with my boys, not tenting but the 5th wheel we rented was AWESOME and i am officially coverted to that kinda camping!! The 3 of us are experiencing new things together and i am finally confident that i can do this kinda stuff with my boys...so we decided to extend our time in BC and take some extra days to come home, we stopped over in Canmore, stayed in a hotel for the first time just the 3 of us...spent the day in Calgary before coming home and we had an absolute blast together...i feel as though this summer has bonded us in the coolest way, and so now as we enter back to school time, i'm almost grieving that our time is coming to an end, Corban is gonna be full time in Grade 1 and my little Keegie Bear is going to be a lost puppy without his bestest friend and big brother. They are playing SO good together and having SO much fun, sometimes i just sit and watch them, just soak it in because all too quickly they start fighting and wrestling, then back to loving again! it's crazy cute and such an honor for me to parent these two precious little boys!
Yes, as i mentioned so many times before, i have SO much to be thankful for...BUT i'm thankful that God has put me back together again, and He's woven new qualities and changes that will forever be engrained into who i am today...i'm changed, i'm better, i'm whole and most importantly, i'm HIS....and now i'm getting so very excited to see what our next chapter is gonna be...i'm JOYFULLY dreaming BIG dreams, and praying like crazy they all come true!

2011-07-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

As i sit and write this post, i have music playing, and Keegan is standing beside me in his little musical zone, making up his own words but keeping tune just singing away! I love these little sweet moments where i can just smile to myself and see such sweetness!
I have no words that could even match what an amazing time we had out at camp this last week! My heart is just so completely full of what i was blessed to be apart of! The love the girls both staff and cousellors showed to me and my boys was just fantastic! To get to know such beautiful girls who were campers! It was an honor to be there in whatever capacity we were able to...Corban and i even got to shoot a bow and arrow and go climbing on the climbing wall together! Adventures and smiles and laughter! Wow, it was just the most perfect change of pace!
God used what material i was able to put together and i was SO thankful to be used however God wanted to use me! Literally, i just have no words, but i'm sure you all can completely relate when you come back from such an amazing camp experience. Unless you were there, there's just nothing you can say that can compare to what it was like! I made new friends and was able to catch up with some long time friends! The time and effort and volunteer energy that it takes to put a camp together is so HUGE and i have nothing but so much appreciation to those who put in so much time and resources to make that week of camp what it was! SO MUCH LOVE to each one of you!!
Now for the mounds of laundry to unpack and refold and put back into our suitcase cuz Friday we leave for a glorious week at Shushwap!! Our first big family Vacation (Mom and Dad and Nat and Andy and kids) since Corban was just over a year! Should be SO much fun! Me and the boys are even going to try our hand at RVing for the week! We have a camp site right close to our Ziegenhagel extended family which we are SO excited to once again to blessed to holiday with! I just can't wait! SO full of some more adventures!
Anyhoo, i should go play pirates, apparently my sword is waiting for me!
Love, Melissa

Summer Adventures!!

2011-07-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the summer is already flying by, we have SO much enjoyed the past few weeks of visiting with friends, splashing in our inflatable pool (mommy included), and just enjoying the heat and the sun! It's been good! Good in a sense that i am so many times reminded of what was on our plates last year at this time, and i am thankful to have had an entire year to separate that stress...we are living simply and I have to tell you it's a breath of fresh air and i am content with enjoying that simplicity!
I was asked a few months ago to be the camp speaker at local summer camp in Elkwater...it's a girl's grades 4-6 camp and as i have prayed much over the last few years, God has entrusted yet another oppertunity to use me...although i feel quite underqualified and unadequate for this role for these girls, I think i've given God more room to move since i already know HE is the one at work, not me. I have prayed for these girls to hear from God and truly be inspired by His love for them...i'm just going to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!
The boys get to come with me for the whole week and i'm using it as a little family vacation for the 3 of us to regroup and get a change of pace and just enjoy each other! I am SO excited!
So, here we goooooo!!!!
Happy almost middle of July!!!
i will update when we get back home and let you know how it went! i'm sure there will be some good stories of our camping adventures!
love, melissa

ps...i also wanted to express yet again, my gratitude for those who have been reading and praying and thinking of our family, as well as those who have emailed or facebooked messages of love and support...It still brings me to tears to know that after an entire year, we are still so surrounded by such a strong extended family! There are no words to tell you how comforting and encouraging that is to me!!!
xoxo

God...Help Us Through This Day...

2011-07-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

I know it's not technically July 5th, but i needed to get this post out, before i try to sleep. every time i try to type my tears make it impossible to see the screen and i have to stop to try to compose myself. I just finished reading my post from one year ago...the saddest day of my entire life to date, the day i had to say goodbye to my true love, he took a piece of my heart with him that day...I still don't see that it could've happened any other way, with the pain and suffering he was going through, nothing in me wanted him to endure that any longer...but he's gone...he's gone and he can't ever come back. Still feels like it's a dream...like the fog of shock is still lifting even after an entire year. My worst fears of being left alone and having to be a single mom coming true. I guess there's Praise that has to be given to a God whom i've trusted in to get me through each and every day since He took Colin home to Heaven. I have asked God to carry me through the seemingly impossible task of having to live on after losing the love of my life and HE has done more than that! We have collapsed and cried and knelt and cried for God to heal and we have asked for strength to get up and take His hand to keep stepping one foot in front of the other, we've been able to miss Colin, cry for Daddy to be here with us, but we've also been able to enjoy the things Colin loved with smiles...and Thankfully even been able to laugh from the depths of our bellies and talk about our most favoritist things we loved most about him...We did it...we survived going to bed each nite and waking up each morning not having him with us but having the peace in knowing he is safe and healthy and whole! Laughing with Jesus! We have done our first year of taking off the training wheels to skating lessons with Corban...his first year of Kindergarten, soccer and keegan talking, potty training, finally sleeping through the nite...now rippin up and down the road riding his 'big boy' bike as well! ALthough each moment i knew their Daddy was missing, i knew i owed it to them not to rob them of the joy of the moment! There has not been a day that has gone by that hasn't had thoughts of Colin in it...I am reminded that God never promised an easy ride...it's gonna hurt, but the most healing thing i have done is to just get down to the hurting, and just face it and cry through it...I still am trusting that God is doing what He does best...i don't even begin to understand why he chose these circumstances for our family, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows exactly what He is doing...He loves us, I guess the hardest part is having the patience to stand firm in His promises when there are so many questions, and so many unknowns...i know i have so much appreciated those closest to me...who allow me to laugh and cry sometimes in the same breath...who just listen or offer to help in any way they can! God has provided, in every area, I never doubted that He would...I'm so thankful..thankful for those who have hurt right alongside us all, to help carry us through in order to become better and more equipped to carry out God's plan on the other side!
I've surprised myself...A good friend taught me how to use my lawn mower and weed wacker (although, my dad does a MUCH better job of my lawn...THANK YOU DAD!!!!) I put together a spin bike all by myself...and done so many little 'odd' jobs around the house, that Colin just always took care of...i've put together those annoying toys that Daddy's can just figure out way quicker...i've used my fair share of duct tape, it's kinda my go-to for anything broken! lol! I've come to a place where i'm finally feeling confident that me and the kids can do this...we know our little unit has taken a hit, and we are not whole as God created family to be...but we are so full of love and life and we can smile and laugh and just enjoy each other!
Because, i have to admit, sometimes having the boys was more of a painful reminder of the fact that Colin was not here...each day i would stare in their beautiful faces but my heart would see their Daddy whom i missed so very much...it was so very hard to keep going...BUT there is healing...and i really feel like my sweet Corban, the one we knew before Colin left us, that he's coming back to us, and sweet little Keegan is just so full of love, and now i'm in a beautiful place to fully enjoy them and feel the blessing of having bits and pieces of their Daddy in them...the hurt is lessening and my heart is so thankful to have them as two little gifts!
Although this day is impossible because if i could do anything to rewind the last two years and have my husband back, to have one more hug, one more kiss, smile, laugh.."i love you"...even one more arguement...just to have his presence in our home again...to watch one more Oiler's Game together...cuddle on the couch...BUT i don't, so i'm going to choose to move forward and trust there is beauty rising from our ashes of this trauma in our life...I'm not afraid to face my future head on.. God is still guiding opening doors and closing others...Only one day at a time...just remembering to breath on those days that are a struggle, enjoying the laughter of those easier days! God is GOOD! I have SO much to be thankful for, and SO many blessings!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my sweetness! I pray your celebration will be unforgettable! We all love you down here! We miss you SO much! WE miss you SO SO SO much!

The weird warp of time is just throwing me for a loop, how so many memories can be so vividly clear but how in the same breath it's been an eternity of time since we said good-bye...i can't figure it out, or make sense of it...i guess i don't have to..i will feel what i feel and relive those precious moments and be SO thankful for so many memories!

ps. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me on this "other side" of my journey...it means the world to me that you would still want to check in and read up on how me and the boys are doing...for listening when i need to get those thoughts out! To all our friends and family who are also grieving this day as well...you're in my thoughts and prayers...hang in there, and if any of you need to talk...you know i'm ALWAYS here to listen!!!

Love, Melissa

2011-07-01T13:50:00.001-07:00

Well we have seemingly hit another wall of "firsts" to get through on this weird and crazy journey of grief. Since Father's Day has come and gone with again more emotion in the lead up to the day than the actual day...Now that summer is upon us birthdays and BBQ season has also hit...something Colin always loved along with golfing and baseball...my birthday came and went...last year all i wanted more than anything was to have one more birthday with Colin and God granted me that one last birthday that i could spend with him...even from his bed, i will never forget the lists of things he delegated to our family members to make sure my day was perfect and special...he always made a big deal of making me feel special...this year my friends and family made me feel special but there was just this gigantic hole...which probably had something to do with the equally gigantic migraine that hit half way through the day...but my boys cuddled with me on the couch for the afternoon and Wendy's cooked us an amazing drive-thru meal for supper, which the boys were quite thrilled about...so it was a day that i had one mission in mind...get through it...and i did just that...some days have been harder than others, and there are more hard days ahead...but today the sun came up and we are happy and healthy and we'll just take it one day at a time!
We have come off of quite a busy stretch of weeks...i feel like we haven't stopped to take a breath since Corban finished school...it's been a good busy..visiting with friends and enjoying the warmer days!
July is a busy month for us...i have this funny feeling that this summer is going to be a whirlwind of fun and activity leaving us wondering where the time went...but this summer is bound to be a better one than last year and i'm determined to make sure me and the boys have lots of fun adventures together!
Anyhoo, Corban is wanting to eat once again...man, i'm afraid of when he's a teenager...somedays i already can't keep up with his huge appetite! hehe!
Happy Canada Day!
Love, Melissa

2011-06-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

The most vividly clear memory in my head of the day Colin died was my first real, formed thought after getting off of the bed and walking out of our bedroom for the very last time with him...was this..."How on earth am i going to survive Father's Day"...I don't know why out of all of the 'firsts' and dreaded lonely holidays and special occasions we would have to face, this one stood out...but i guess Mother's Day and Father's day was our special day to show one another how special and very amazing we thought one another was at being a parent...since our boys are still kinda young to understand the importance of the day, we would do our very best in our own individual ways of making each other feel so loved and special. A day to celebrate the precious gift of being entrusted with these sweet perfect little one's. It also just so happens to be Corban's last day of Kindergarten which is the first real thing that from beginning to end, Colin was not apart of. I'm so very proud of my little man, but so very sad because i knew just how badly Colin wanted to hang on, to be able to take Corban to his first day of school...it's these occasions and day's like today when all the dad's were to go to the school for "Donuts for Dad's", which Papa and Uncle Andrew so perfectly filled in for...and then tonite for my little boy's kindergarten graduation that i think shock is still lifting that we don't have Colin with us...it just shouldn't have to be like this for my boys...it's not fair that they don't have their loving, patient Daddy to be their #1 fan, cheering them on...and spending their summer holidays training for the adventures that only Daddy's and son's get to do together.
I do also need to say Thank you to the males in our life that do give so generously of their time to fill that void with my boys...we are blessed beyond measure, but it does sting so badly to see them have to go through these holidays different from everyone else.
To my big brother Andy...you have risen to the task of not only being an amazing support as my brother but an amazing role for my boys to love and look up too, making sure to not only make time for your own kids, but also make my boys feel loved and cared for from a Dad's perspective! You are incredible and I love you beyond words! I could never say thank you enough for how you and Nat have supported me and the boys! I know Colin had to have chatted with God about your getting the job and moving here, but i bet you that he is missing the fact that he's not here to enjoy you...please keep him in mind on the golf course and in the dressingroom, k?!

Finally to my Dad, who without any word or second thought has helped us in every way imaginable...from making sure you talked with Colin before he passed away and followed through with each one of his last wishes and still to this day you are keeping to your word to watch over me and the boys! From the work you put in to plan the funeral and take care of everything to get me back on my feet through those first few months, to being a phone call away when i had water leaks in my basement to mowing my lawn and taking care of the garage and maintainance around our house. You have been a pillar of strength and faith and I am SO proud of who you are and to be called your daughter! Thank you for ALL you do and for how you love so intensely...thank you for your heart of wanting the best for your kids and the very best for your grandkids....We are blessed...and i pray God's RISHEST blessings over you in the things HE has for you! Thank you for being the Godly example my boys need to see in a man as they grow and thank you for taking over the wrestling role as they get bigger and hurt me:) From the very depths of my being, thank you!!! I love you more than words! Please forgive me for not being in a celebratory mood this Father's Day, but i promise you...we are SO thankful for you everyday of the year! XOXO

Well this emotion that i have been feeling since about Wednesday has finally emerged and the floodgates have opened...i should stop before my eyes get puffy..there are many pictures to be taken at my little man's graduation tonite, i need to look my best for him!!
To all of the Dad's and to those who so generously fill in the gaps for those who need a Father's Love...THANK YOU! You are loved and you are so much appreciated for the tireless work you do day in and day out, to provide for your families in so many ways...THANK YOU!!
Happy Father's Day!
Love, Melissa

2011-06-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

Heartbreak is a powerful thing...but i think the stigma that sticks with having your heart broken is that is always has to be an unbelievably painful experience. I have to disagree. What i have come to realize is that having your heart broken brings me to this amazing place of being desperate for anything i can gain in my relationship with my Jesus. Its sad that it’s those painful points if we so choose to use them for growth are the one’s that bring us to the feet of Jesus...i think that was one of the biggest lessons going through Colin’s battle with cancer and how it broke down every wall of comfort and normalcy...i learned to live in that constant state of desperation for setting my sites on Jesus because nothing else matters. If my eyes are focused, somehow i’m not so surprised at the tough stuff in life. He gives me this ability to weed out what really doesn’t matter and feed me with the life lessons that i need to learn and grow from. No verse in the Bible ever promised an easy ride...there were no promises of things being painless...but we do have thousands of promises that HE is with us, and won’t ever allow us to go through it alone, HE promises to guide and protect us from the dangers of what comes to prey on our broken hearts! I am so thankful that i have a constant safe haven. Somewhere to hide and know that there is a God who cares enough to shield me from the depths of hurt that can accompany that dreaded heartbreak. Now, i’m not so afraid of it anymore...i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!
What an honor it was to be apart of our local Relay 4 Life a few weeks ago...our team was really our family...our closest support system of people who carried us through our cancer battle. It was just so fitting to be there, laughing and talking and reliving old memories when life was just simple and fun! And Oh yes, although some had to go sleep to be functioning parents the next day, we appreciated any time from the one’s we love!!! There were 7 of us that stayed awake the entire nite, and let me tell you, i am remotely young still, but honestly...I am not so cut out for all-niters anymore! I guess that’s what kids to do a person! Hehe! It was this beautiful event that emcompassed celebrating the lives of loved one’s and remembering the most amazing people that we miss so desperately each day! My favourite moments were talking to Colin’s best friends and reliving all of those cool old memories that we had over 10 years ago!
I am the luckiest girl in the world...Well, i choose to see as God’s blessing me with friends whom i’ve had in my life since i was in the early years of grade school...not everyday i get to look around and see all those who are close to me have been close to me since i was young....we are truly family now...those people who dropped their lives and put everything on hold to carry Colin and I and our boys...i will say it till the day i die, i am forever grateful and pray God’s richest blessings over each one!
How cool is it, that my family is completely surrounding me....literally, my parents live a few blocks one way and Andy and Nat a bit more than a few blocks in the other direction. My family is one in a million and i look forward to being able to have a random family BBQ on a warm Sunday nite....i’m full, in every sense of the word...filled to the brim of God’s goodness and mom’s great cooking!
This coming week will be Corban’s last week of Kindergarten and it’s hard to believe summer is here and soon, Grade 1 and full time school will come for my little sweet boy! I pray the time doesn’t pass by too quickly...so i can just soak him in! My little Keegie bear is already ripping up and down the street on his big boy bike with training wheels, not even 3 yet, and he’s following hard in his big brother’s footsteps, has to do everything the big boys do!
Anyhoo, i should go...only have a bit of down time before i will fall asleep standing up if i’m not careful...boy oh boy....boys make u tired, but i guess it is kids in general!
Ok! Happy Sunday or what’s left of it
I won’t let it go this long before i write again!
Love, Melissa

Remebering and Cherishing Precious Moments...

2011-05-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, as i sit here at my computer...a ball of nerves and emotions tumbling all around inside of me. Almost 11 months since Colin was welcomed into his Heavenly home...i'm going through pathways of grief i never expected to come up after this time has passed. Just when i thought i was doing ok, i get knocked back by some wave of intense aching. My poor Corban has been feeling it as well. He had a dream a few nights ago, that Colin hadn't left us at all, everything was perfectly normal. As i heard his cries in the night i went to him and asked what was wrong, he asked me so simply to go get Daddy...to my shock i said "what do you mean?" He was comvinced Colin was asleep in my room, in our bed...and how horrified he looked when i reminded him that Daddy was in Heaven. Needless to say i never really went back to sleep that night...sometimes i just ache for my boys, to have their Daddy here, and other times, i ache for me, for me not have to go into each day waking up alone...Just when i think i'm ok to allow God to let me down to walk holding His hand, i'm begging at His feet for Him to pick me back up where it's safe in His arms. What would i do without that hope, His hope...Where would i be if i didn't have His living breathing word to fill me where that dark black hole tries to comsume...Today is a day for our community to come together to be apart of something so much bigger than ourselves...becoming an extended family of friends and families who have been touched by cancer. Relay 4 Life...this is a day specifically for our family and support system to come together and remember Colin...to celebrate what love and life was like when we were SO incredibly blessed to have Colin be apart of our lives...to have closure of what we went through and walk together for so many still going through their journey's. I just never expected for the level of emotion i would be feeling...it is sure to be a powerful event, something we all won't soon forget...a way to give back.
As i was searching for something encouraging this morning in my Bible, i came across these verses and i just had to smile, because it was as if God Himself was cuddling me close breathing the words into my weary soul...
Romans 8:12-17
So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
This resurrection life you recieved from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance!! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we are certainly going to go through the good times with him!!!

So now, i'm gonna pray like crazy that God can use me, in our speaking tonite and with each person i have the honor of meeting as we walk with so many others!
For those local people, festivities are down in Kin Coulee Park, starting with the Opening Ceremonies at 7pm...there will be all sorts of things going on all nite...we would love for you come down and share in this powerful event!

Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

A Mother's Day Moment...

2011-05-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

Weird...I never thought that this day..out of any would hit me as rough but yup...this mother's day was just plain weird...I tell ya, it was nice to sleep in, my parents had the boys for a sleep over (and they woke up SO early for them, i'm so sorry for that), but as i was getting ready for church, in an all too quiet house, it was both a mixture of relaxing and twinges of sadness...usually Sundays were my days to take my time to get ready and feel pretty, and all while i was getting ready upstairs i would hear Colin and the kids with laughter and playing...then when i was all ready, i would come down the stairs and when Colin would see me, he would tell me how beautiful he thought i looked....I miss that, the "coming down the stairs" moments...
But this day, i celebrate my mom whom I have looked up too and admired since i was old enough to appreciate all she has done in our lives. She truly is the SUPER glue that holds us all up and together. She is my rock, the one i tell my everything too, and share all my highs and lows with. It is ONLY her, who can talk me down from worry and fear or laugh with me when i do those "blonde" moments. She is my best friend, and there is not a day that goes by that i don't count my blessings in knowing i have the most amazingly beautiful crowning jewel who is my mom!
I also can't forget to mention that i have so many women, amazing women in my life who have touched me in so many ways, and loved us just by showing me how they mother and how i can be better. These women are my sister in law's and my girlfriends and my mentor's and my family and i thank God for you all today! I pray God's richest blessings on you for shining so brightly your most beautful qualities in being amazing Mom's!
Happy Mother's day!
Love, Melissa

We did it! We did it!!!

2011-05-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well...we made it out to Winnipeg and back home again all in one piece with amazing memories and the feeling of having some really fun adventures under our belt! Honestly, it couldn't have gone more perfectly! We had a great visit in Regina with family and had a minor hiccup of Keegan having some tummy trouble, so with little sleep and having made a pile of laundry for my poor pregnant sister in law, we started to Winnipeg! I think i heard more than a million "are we there yet, Mommy?!" and "How long till we get there mommy?!"...hehe, but the boys did more than amazingly and we made it there to find sunshine and 22 degrees the entire time we spent in Winnipeg! What a beautiful home my bestest friend Sarah has made for her and her husband and her two precious little girls. The kids played fantastically together and we had the best time just talking and catching up and reliving old memories! My friend Sarah is one of my oldest friends, having been close to me since grade nine...she knew me before i met Colin, and she knew and loved Colin as well and we actually introduced her to her now husband, Darren, whom we went to college at Briercrest with.
We had a busy week of Zoo adventures complete with a picnic in the park and a game of soccer to finish it off...we played in the sandbox and went to the park and even played some ball hockey! After the kids were all tucked in bed each night we would laugh and cry and pick up right where we always leave off, I love my sweet Sarah!
We decided to take a chance and head the entire way home on friday and boy oh boy, did my boys do incredibly! we made it in just under 10 hours and we had a nice quiet down day in the van watching movies and just relaxing a bit! We were greeted home to my sweet parents waiting eagerly to have their fill of cuddles that they missed from a week of not seeing the boys and thankfully they helped carry our load of stuff in for me!
so, we r home, safe and sound and I have to say i'm more confident than i left a week ago, i did it, i took my little family on an adventure we will not soon forget and with God protecting us the whole way, we did it! YEAY!
It's good to be home, but i'm so glad we did it!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Family Road Trip!

2011-04-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Can you believe almost an entire month has gone by?! Time, aside from our ugly weather, has been just going at a crazy pace! It seems each new day brings a busy "to-do" list with it, but it's kind of a welcomed pace! Our basement developments were started back in January or early February are coming along quite nicely, and this week there will be carpet installed! God has blessed me all along the way with little gifts that He's taking care of me...with painting and contracting work and electrical...just His way of saying, you can do it and i'll provide the people to help you! It seems to be a theme this spring...feeling ready to stand strong in who i am as a Mom, and also who i am in Christ. So fittinly, i've decided to take our first road trip, just me and the boys...so i've decided, seeing as one of my bestest friends lives out in Winnipeg and we'd have a blast spending time with her, this would be the perfect destination for a road trip! Now that Keegan and Corban are both talking a mile a minute, i'm sure to have some points of regret along this stretch of highway, but we intend to split the trip half way or there abouts...Colin's younger brother Kris and his wife Jennie live in Regina, where we will be staying overnite and then going the rest of the way the next day! I think this change of pace on this long Easter break will be exactly what we all need! Just to get away and be with great friends!
I think it's a way of proving to myself that i'm more than capable and i'm SO ready to have adventures with my boys! Don't worry i have lots of snacks and movies packed!
So, with that news, we are doing good! The boys are both a joy and an exhausting workload, but i'm trying to enjoy each day, too! They keep me on my toes, that's for sure! We are eagerly awaiting some nicer weather to be able to get out more and just enjoy our yard and hopefully soon, our little inflatable pool! Wishful thinking at this point, but i thought i'd throw it out there! lol
anyhoo, here a little food for thought, literally from 1 Peter 1:3-9 (The Msg.)

"What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father, our Master JEsus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven-and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all-life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggrevation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him-with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation."
Happy Easter!
Love, Melissa

A New Day...

2011-03-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

So i think i need to give a 'Thank You' to my Auntie Dawna, who respectfully informed me a few days ago that although she enjoys reading my blog, it was missing the "Me" element! Ok, then it occured to me, a flashback if you will travel with me...to the exact time Colin created this here "blog". We were exhausted from the dozen upon dozens of phone calls and trying to get the word out about what was happening in our world, when Colin's mom suggested we create a blog to have a detailed account straight from the source on all the details. Then we only had to share it once, and whoever wanted to find out could read the facts. I remember sitting down at the computer with Colin, i was sitting on his lap, while he was fussing with the template and the color font and background. Weird. It's so weird how tiny little details come flooding back seeping with so many specific little things that i can remember. It's like it's palpable...i can remember everything that happened in those moments. It's been an entire year since Colin had his relapse, which has affected me in a whole other dimension i never really thought it would. I remember what i was doing when deep down in my heart of hearts, i knew that the cancer was back. Even though it was 2 weeks after that, that we had gotten rediagnosed...The second time around was the most intensely horrific and painful thing i have ever experienced...it's those flashbacks i almost have to choose not to relive, because i find myself spiraling into a tailspin of pain, and it stings more than i want it to. I think it's good though...those memories keep me grounded in the very real fact that all we have is this day in front of us...i need not worry, i don't think i can have that tug-of-war with a God who so perfectly takes care of all of the details in my world with little to no need for me at all! BUT that HE chooses me, little ol' me, He wants to show me His love in each day and use me for His purposes to love so deeply those around me! What an honour! I remember thinking so many days in the hospital how refreshing it would feel to just be able to be a friend, to love with nothing holding me back, those around me! There was nothing i wanted to do more than love the way people were loving us! Now i get to do that, everyday!!!! That is the biggest blessing and God has given in this recovery process~such a gift! I love seeing each day as an open door, endless possibilities, makes me smile with all the adventures that await us!
Anyhoo, i'll see what i think about this new Blog layout, seemed fittingly springy, hope the weather follows suit!
Love Melissa

2011-03-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the most amazing song by Sean McConnell, "Madly In Love With You". To me, it's a love song from my loving Jesus...i discovered it just shortly after Colin went to Heaven. At first it made me cry, healing tears, missing Colin tears, but now, as i listen to it, it makes me smile. A comforting feeling knowing that my Jesus and my beloved Colin are both up there, hangin out, speaking to me through these words! Some of the words are SO rich with comfort, about how I wish i could understand what the plan is in it's entirety, but that i need not lose my faith in the God who knows ALL, but cling to those little things. Like the sun shining, or a beautiful morning sunrise, a kiss and a hug from my boys, being around my family and friends and the people i love and who love us. Those are the things that God uses to show me that He's so completely and madly in love with me! His love is seeping out from every area of his creation, if only i can switch my view and set my sights on those things! Nothing else seems to matter much when i'm choosing to surround myself in that all-encompassing love that is mine for the taking!!!
The sun is trying it's best to come out today, it's been a few days since i've seen it...and felt it's warmth...i miss that yummy warm sun! i'm hurtin to have it peer through my windows in the mornings while i have my coffee!
The boys are doing good! Corban is loving school these days, i'm headed to school with him tomorrow to be his parent helper for the last time in his Kindergarten career. I can't believe that he'll be finished his first year of school in a few short months! My Corban is growing up so very fast, i feel the need to press the pause button, but he won't have any of that, he's determined to be the biggest boy he can be, helping with his dishes after meals, with helping care for keegan...but my most favorite part, is that he's always up for a really good cuddle with mommy! i pray he doesn't grow out of that anytime soon! He still blows me kisses from the window on his school bus...almost makes me cry, as i know those days will be numbered...hence the need for a short time with the pause button on....i am, however, looking forward to have Nat and the kids here this summer...oh boy, i don't know if she quite knows what she's in for, i'll have her days so packed full of swimming and parks and sunning ourselves...i can't wait! Maybe it's my intense need to have a much-needed visit from Mr. Sun!!! lol...oh boy, i should go...Keegan needs some help with his lunch. i'm finding that although he is intensely independent with the majority of things, he still needs mommy...which i'm grateful for, he's also so cuddly and i pray it doesn't get grown out of anytime soon...there's nothing closer to heaven than having them in my arms being cuddled up under a blanket! Mmmmm...LOVE!!!
ok, well i should go here, only so much time before the rowdiness comes out and they have to be reeled back in to sit and eat their lunch!
Happy Monday!!!
XOXO
Melissa

2011-03-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

So...How bout that weather hey?! hehe, ya i'm thinkin this winter is getting a little old as we round out the end of MARCH!!!! But, as the snow fell at the beginning of this week, my boys have been such good sharer's of the nasty chest cold going around! It was a good quiet week to stay home and get them back to 100%...well mission accomplished with Corban, he's back at school today, but my poor little Keegan is a few days behind him, still fighting a high fever and laboured breathing..he always gets it worse, this too shall pass! Lots of fluids and even more cuddles should do the trick just nicely! Seeing as how the stretch from January until now has been some of the longest i've covered so far, i thought that this latest bout of sickness would make me miserable...but i'm learning a really valuable lesson...it's more of a gift than anything else.
I think i've been going about this concept of God's Plan for my life all wrong, or just a little backwards. I always think in future tense..."I wonder what God has for my future, where He's going to take me?!" but it just occured to me that each day is all I have. Every moment i'm awake and breathing is God's future for me...an unfolding plan. My purpose. What an unsettling thought...In God's mind, He has such dreams for each moment i'm breathing but when JEsus was sent in our place to die for all the crap in this world, God's beloved people suddenly also were blessed and cursed with a choice. A free will to decide how we want to shape our each and every day. I'm convicted by how much time i waste busying myself with tasks when i have the blessing of being at home with my boys, or when i have the choice to wake up with a smile and thank God for the coming day, and instead i, "put on my grumpy pants" (as Corban so eloquantly describes it). What rich blessings i'm missing out on, by my own choice...my hat goes off to those single parents and those mom's and dad's who are separated by work that have to hold down the fort alone, it's not easy, but God never ever promised easy. He promised He would walk with us, go before us, carry us...there are so many moments that i look up and think that Colin was my better half in more ways than i can count BUT again, God is reshaping my thinking in removing my need to prove to myself that i can do this...To letting go and giving up that control to HIM! By choosing to be teachable and moldable and submitting to a God who loves me more than i could ever understand or imagine. I need to be honest though, this parenting thing is hard, and on days like the past couple that we've had, it's all i can do to just get through and slump in a pile at the end and count it a triumph that we all survived! God has more...if only i stop and look around...still myself long enough to recieve it. This is a lesson i'm gonna keep trying to get...and when i fall flat, yet again, which i'm guarunteed to do...the beauty of His Grace is sufficient, especially for me! Thank God for that!

ps...i'm on the road of conciously choosing JOY, Thanking God for my days, and i can't tell you the peace, contentment and happiness i have...i'm excited to see what God has for each day...where those "little blessings" come up, they don't seem so little to me anymore, they are the mountain tops of my day! I have a renewed sense of purpose that God can use me, simply just by being open to recieve how i can show His love to the people He has placed in my life, and to my boys...it's not gonna be perfect, but all i have is this day, and all God asks is that i try...so that's what i'm gonna do!
Love, Melissa

2011-03-18T12:04:00.001-07:00

So, i have a confession to make, these next two posts have been previously written out on my kids contruction paper upstairs in bed...it seems that i still have issues with my sleeping or lack there of...and i refuse to use the word insomnia, cuz i just don't like the way it sounds...i'm just having some problems falling asleep at times. (I think when i write it out, it sounds more like denial, but i'm ok with that!)
So anyhoo, late at nite is usually when my mind is racing i get so many things that settle in my heart, so i use the time to mull it over and pray about what God wants to show me...so here's some stuff that i've been thinking about in my late nite quests for sleep!

We all have a story. A story to which is distinctly our own. Have you ever wondered when you are stopped at a red light, what the person in vehicle next to you is going thru?! I do, i thought about it all the time when our life stopped and we began fighting cancer. I used to think that if we, in our twenties, supposedly in the prime of our lives with an open road of possibilities ahead, could have our world haulted so abruptly, i can't imagine the pain and suffering happening all around me or in the same breath the happiness and joy as well! That very thought changed me...it caused me to think before i reacted in impatience or anger and extend grace and love because i just will never know what is going on in the lives of those around me...because i can relate, somedays it goes SO much deeper than just a bad day! The cliche saying of how when babies are born and at the same time people are taking their last breath...i thought of this the day Colin died. On the saddest most devastating day of my life, that very day was the most beautifully amazing day in someone else's. One's perspective of reality is directly affected by what's going on around them. It's in these specific season's of life that God uses to shape who we are and who He has dreamed for us to become! The pain doesn't last forever...blue skies do come, but no matter what the weather or season in life, i think the key is to keep looking UP for our direction and keep praying like mad that we are covered in His Almighty Hands of protection no matter how good or bad life gets.
One sunny day in June of 2009, God took my Grandma home to Heaven and a few short hours later our little miss Myla (my niece) was born. What JOY in it all. Of knowing that one dearest loved one had finished her race and one sweet little girl was just beginning. God, in all of His infinite wisdom knew the JOY and celebration and He so strategically put this all in such rich and amazing perspective for our family. Looking back my heart is so full of thanks and my eyes have tears of knowing the comfort in God's perfect timing. On that day in June, only God knew the road we were all about to travel, that in August of that same summer everything would dramatically change. He had such a special way of using little Myla as this incredible ray of sunshine in our darkness, and together with all of our kids, we focused on the amazing promise of God's brightest future for each one of them, celebrating every little milestone and soaking in all the love and simplicity that each of our kids had to offer! What a blessing!
I can't say enough about my family, but it takes pretty darn special people to drop everything and do whatever is needed to carry us thru...and with such close knit friends surrounding us, we were all able to come through carrying each other on the other side!
I can never repay you for being there; i am and always will be eternally grateful..and i will never be the same because of your love! It's because of you that only solidifies my conviction that there is a very real God and even though bad things do happen in this, our fallen and broken world, He loves us so very much! The exciting thing is this love that i have experienced is only the tip of the ice berg!!!!

Choosing JOY!!!

2011-03-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Whoa...so i've been running into people who have been so thoughtful to tell me that they are still reading my blog posts and then they say in a roundabout sort of way that they are looking for an update...this has been on my "to-do" list since the beginning of last week, so i'm thinking i need to get it done! hehe!
We have been so refreshingly busy! The last week was full of media things for being involved with our local Relay 4 Life through the Canadian Cancer Society...Dad and i had the oppertunity to do a TV interview, which for Dad is not so new, BUT for me, this was my first time doing anything like it. I have to say i was horribly nervous, but once we were there, it was so much fun and very cool to be a part of! Then Dad and i also spoke at the Launch Party for the event as well! What amazing people whom we get to meet and who are working so tirelessly on putting such an incredible event together! I am working on putting some teams together from our support system, so i'll be in touch with details for sure! i am very excited to be able to give back and be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves! It's going to be a powerful way of celebrating Cancer Survivors and to be able to remember and honor those who are no longer with us! God is SO good to allow Dad and I to be sharing our story...i think i am so grateful to be hearing of other's stories as well! What hero's are amoung us and so many hero's we will be honoring!

I'm also learning how incredibly blessed I am to have had the most amazing mom! It's kinda scary how parenting has come back full circle and those things that drove my mom crazy while she was raising Andy and I are now the very things that are driving me absolutely nuts! How eerie it feels to be saying those exact words and hearing them echo from my mom's mouth years ago! I try to tell myself, if i can do just half the job she did, i'll be successful, and I pray even harder that God will protect and keep my boys and help me to raise them up to be powerful Godly men, to influence many and show the love of Jesus wherever they go and whatever they choose to do! What a responsibility to have only one shot at! yikes, there's a lot of pressure when I think of it that way!
It does take a villiage, and what an inspiring villiage we have around us, we are in good hands...I remember a talk that Colin and I had in his final days...he wanted me to know that he wasn't at all worried about leaving us, because he knew full well that we have such great people around us, we'll be ok, we ARE ok, God is SO good! This past week in all the comings and goings and business, it was one nite before bed first Corban then keegan followed, errupting into tears. It has been a long time since our last "Missing Daddy Meltdown"...but now that keegan is talking, it made it doubly heartbreaking because both boys were crying and wanting to have Daddy back. I am finding that the more the boys are growing, the less room i have to cuddle the two of them together during these times. My little keegan kept repeating, "Want Daddy to come home". It just ripped my heart apart to hear it from him. BUT It was just a good healing time to cry, to think of the things we love about Daddy and how thankful we all are to have had Daddy for the time we did...then we prayed that God would continue to heal our hearts and that we could wake each day and choose JOY and that God's JOY could be our strength when we miss Daddy! Then as i tucked Corban into his bed, and hugged him, we talked about who we were thankful for, and those who are here that we spend such great time with, making new really fun memories! We all were able to smile and go to sleep thankful for the MANY rich blessings we have around us...I have to say it again, God is still SO good! I pray that you don't need a crisis to see the richness of God's goodness around you and to be able to hold onto it like you're life depends on it!
All we have is each new day, my prayer lately has been to fully grasp the JOY that God desires for me...to smile so much more and to enjoy whatever we are doing at that moment...speaking of which, i'm being summoned to play some ministick hockey in our bonus room, Corban's a great golie and i need to take some shots and put him in his place, for a few more years, i am still able to beat them....not for long, so i have to take advantage now! hehe!
I can't say enough how thankful i am for the one's who care to follow our journey...this life is so far from simple but that's where the crazy adventure comes from and i'm determined to enjoy it and savor the time we have as a family! I'm excited to see what God has for us!
Love, Melissa

Something that's on My Heart...

2011-02-22T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ya know when you have those days, when it seems all is right with the world, like finally something you’re telling your kids is sinkin in and somehow it feels like you’re moving forward? (honestly, who am i kidding, it may feel like it, but i’m not sure what is really sinkin in..maybe on the 10th or 12th time of saying it...i’ve lost track already...lol)
Maybe it’s those glimpses of The Joy of the Lord that God desires us to have each and every day....could you imagine?! I think it’s become this far off dream of ours that this type of Joy in each day is somehow impossible to attain and even harder to hold on too. The weird, yet common sense thing about it is, I’m thinkin God must be just beating His head against a door because this is probably, simply, what He wants most in our everyday lives.... for us to wake up, say “good Morning, Lord, I choose Your JOY to seep through every aspect of my life and my day, Protect me from being robbed of that JOY You so desire in me”. It comes back to the very point of the intense power of Praising God through each and every circumstance, but then why is it so hard to adopt into our daily living?! It’s a trickledown effect, when we have that JOY, we want to Praise, and we want to believe God to do amazing things in and through us......i think once we’ve caught a glimpse of how it tastes, it becomes harder and harder to let go of and forget about. I think this is the nature of God Himself. That once we taste HIM and His Grace and Love, which we can’t help but want more of that peace and that JOY only HE gives. Too many people look at faith as this chore, like it’s somehow requires you giving up everything that makes you, you, and you no longer can be who you are. But the sad part of that thought is that God knew you before you were ever created, He spend so much time dreaming about your heart, your likes and dislikes..what makes you happy, what is important to you...HE knew before your life began the circumstances that would shape who you are today, and HE loves you more today with all that baggage and life experience than He did the day he dreamed you into being! I just think that our narrow-minded thinking of faith has blanketed all “religions” and branded and robbed people from entering into a really cool friendship with the God of the universe...How many belief systems can say that...I am a friend of God’s! He and I are on speaking terms, we talk, we have a relationship, and a friendship, and it’s up to me how deep i want to take that! So He not only desires to be a part of every area of my life, but He allows me to move through this relationship on my terms?!?!?! Whoa...The thing i’m thinking, is i’m just human, i’m gonna mess it up just like i mess everything else up when i try to do things on my own accord! Yikes, He must love me a whole heck of a lot to do this at the snail’s pace i’ve set before Him...all i’m learning is that He really doesn’t require much...that maybe the 20 something years i’ve been immersed in this faith has actually taken me further away than realizing the simplest of beauties is right in front of me...so pure, so rich, and so full of the most amazing blessings, if only i just accept that Great Loss, God endured by choosing to give His son so we wouldn’t have to face the end that was set up for us...that death doesn’t actually mean death at all, but the start of life, itself...true life, forever of the most amazing life we could ever imagine....and He asks nothing of us but to just believe that He did it for US!!! I don’t think it gets any cooler than that right there, if that doesn’t give you a glimpse of JOY, i don’t know what will. There is something to be said about having the bottom taken out from underneath you that will bring you to the very breaking point of forgetting everything else you “thought” mattered, and dumps you right back to the basics of what it came down to in the very beginning! Doesn’t that make you wanna share this friendship? I sure wanna make sure i’m good and close to the God who know’s what’s before me, and behind me, and beside me and who know’s how to fix the world of damage i manage to find myself in the middle of. It makes me pretty darn thankful, and i really want to Praise a God who has the kind of power to fix it all and still bless me through it....but those blessings i think, are in the journey of finding that closeness...discovering the heart of who God is, what He wants, and what He desires for us as His Beloved!

ps. Hope you can make sense of what's going on in my head...just felt like i had to share it!
p.p.s. The boys and I are good, trying to keep busy, praying spring will come before we either Freeze, or go crazy! haha!

Sweet Memories...

2011-02-14T12:13:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a weekend! Our family went back out to Caronport to be apart of an Alumni Tourney being put on to raise support for the Athletics scholarship in Colin's name. What an honour to be a part of such a great weekend! I hadn't really realized it at first, but i have never been out to Caronport without Colin being with me. It was quite strange not to have him there, i honestly kept thinking...he was just working or something, and making mental notes of all the stuff i had to tell him when i got home...caught myself a few times in those thought patterns! It was weird but not in a bad way, it was this "step back in time" type of feeling when life was so much fun and carefree and simple! I forgot just how much fun and amazing memories we had from that place! It will always have a special place in my heart! I was asked to speak at the Banquet on Saturday night, which gave me a perfect oppertunity to share who Colin was and just a bit about our journey for those who didn't know him or hadn't played hockey with him. I am so incredibly thankful for this oppertunity, because it was an answered prayer...i had prayed many times in my travels back and forth to Calgary and home, that this experience would not be in vain, that we wouldn't have to go silently...that God would use our experience and raise up new believers and encourage others fighting their own battles. What a privilege it was for me to be able to share, i think the blessing was in God providing me the chance to do so, having answered my prayers from so long ago...HE is faithful, I had a great time! Thank you to all who were involved in putting this weekend together and to all who came from near and far to be apart of it!
The kids did great as well, and we had some of my family and some of Colin's family there to visit with and just enjoy catching up and relaxing at the rink together! It stung a little bit to be at the rink watching hockey, because the last time i watched any kind of hockey, Colin was playing...i miss it, i miss the atmosphere of a good hockey game! I miss watching Colin play...
It was great to get out of town, but equally great to get back home and feel refreshed for another week...
On that note, laundry is calling my name and the kitchen looks like a bomb blew off in it, so i must keep on with my day!

Love, Melissa

2011-02-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Whoa! it's been a bit of a stretch without an update! I better get on that now then! Well, dare i say we have a teeny tiny window of time while the boys are healthy again to get out and be social again?! "START THE CAR" haha...that silly Ikea commercial comes to mind. Man, January was a tough one this year, but i remember thinking last year, when Colin was in the thick of all his treatments, they would allow him to go home as long as no one around him was sick. Seriously?! What kids don't ever get sick, and of course so was the case, we wouldn't tell the Doc's our kids were sick cuz Colin didn't want to risk not being able to go home, so he would risk his own health just to get there. So the maddness of hand washing and lysoling after each germ filled hand touch something Colin would touch began...wow, i still can't believe how i didn't go crazy cleaning up after each of them, or how my hands didn't burn off with the lysol amounts that i used! So in a late night cleaning rampage, i remember sitting on the stairs after finishing the railings and light switches and crying into my hands...vowing that when we were able to relax a little more, when a break would come, and the kids were "allowed" to get sick...i promised myself it would be the most freeing feeling, and i remember thinkin i won't worry anymore about it, cuz God obviously had that area under control! So, to be honest, although the days were long, i was so happy to just be free to have "sick days" again with my kids, and not have the anxiety of how this would affect our family time or how fearful i was of how it would affect Colin's health. He's all good! No sickness can touch him again! AND the worry is God's to take from me, that in itself is a huge weight and a freedom that i am spending each day basking in!

So long story short, the past few days have been busy, just scootin around town getting stuff done, along with some much needed catch up time with great friends! it's amazing how much that lifts a person's spirits! This week will be another busy one and on Friday my family and i will head out to Caronport and meet some of Colin's family there to spend a weekend at an Alumni Tourney at Briercrest in Colin's honour. This will be a fundraiser for the College Athletic Scholarship started in Colin's name. It will be very cool to be apart of and i am hoping to see lots of people we went to school with and catch up with lots of guys Colin played hockey with over the years! The best part will be to see the new rink that Colin would spend countless hours dreaming of and wanting to go and play in!
Anyhoo, we're doing good, just pluggin away, taking it one day at time, it's good!
Happy Monday!
Luv, Melissa

Winter Blah's

2011-01-30T12:26:00.000-08:00

So...another dump of snow only compounds on the massive amount we already have around here, adding also to the mounting "slump" that the month of January brings. Yuk...yuk to be having to be inside so much...yuk to not seeing the sun as much as we're used too, yuk that again the kids are fighting some form of the cold/flu that just hangs in waiting until we're almost free from it's grips...again....YUK! What i usually try to do is keep busy when this happens, but with another cold snap and the kids being already sick, that's just not an option. So home it is...again...oh boy, i guess that's when i have to bring in the BIG GUNS, i'm feeling the need to have a dance party with very loud music and singin loud with my boys...sometime today i'm sure that will be in order. It always seems to lift our moods and kill some time when we are feeling a little bit "shut in". For now, Keegan's down for his nap and Corban and i are going to have a little Super Mario Bro's date with the Wii...that should bring some good quiet time for us all!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

2011-01-26T13:24:00.000-08:00

Happy 30th Birthday My Dearest Colin: Thank you for making every season of the life we shared together absolute perfection! Feeling your love, seeing you smile and hearing your laugh are missed by each of those who knew and loved you....after years of waiting for your chance to shine, Jesus called you home with a standing ovation...i was just so very glad to have called you mine!

Today is a day i'm planning on keeping busy, being occupied...i've been able to have this special day to spoil Colin on, for 11 years....i feel so weird because i loved that it was my job to spoil him and make him feel so loved! It stings my heart to know he's really gone, and that point so everpresent as these special days pass us by. I was ok for Christmas...but his birthday is something different..i don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it, but my heart hurts today and when the hurt dulls the sting starts...but i'm determined to smile and lean on our best friends and have the comfort of my family all around me...God is SO good!

To all of you who knew and loved Colin, i'm praying blanket prayers over us all today, that we would be able to face this day with the JOY of knowing where Colin gets to spend his Birthday this year. He's safe and whole and healthy and strong...HE'S HOME!!!! There's nothing more i would want for him!

Thank you for allowing me to lean and for giving me such encouraging words to keep going...God uses you in powerful ways!!! Just Breathe, right?! Doing just that as I type!

Happy Birthday Colin, thinking of you always!!! There is not a day that goes by that you're not being thought of and loved...I promise to keep your memory alive in our hearts and in the lives of our little boys!!!
Love, Melissa

ps...so Corban shared with me this morning that because Daddy was turning 30, and it was such a big number that he was definitely bigger...and he thought he was now ready to start growing a beard...lol...oh the random thoughts of kids!

Birthday Wishes...

2011-01-24T14:04:00.001-08:00

ok, so i have to tell you about the coolest thing. This passed Saturday, a couple of Colin's best friends wanted to plan this really fun day to celebrate Colin. Since it would have been his 30th Birthday on this coming Wednesday the 26th...so we wanted to make this an event to remember and enjoy and celebrate...WOW...Clark and Renate Kurpjuweit hosted the 1st Annual Team Burritt Winter Classic, out at their farm. Clark spent countless hours plowing and flooding a homemade rink...down in the gully just behind their house. When we got down there, they had a fire going and music blasting and people were just hangin out and enjoying the day...when i walked to center ice on this amazing little rink...there was this beautiful Oiler's logo etched into the ice surface, but instead of the Oiler's Name, it had Colin's name in the center with Team Burritt written around the top and Ps. 23 rimming the bottom...wow...if only Colin could have been there, the day was pure magic, bittersweet and i felt like i was in this dream, still coming to grips that Colin was in fact gone...BUT i know he was there, he was looking down from the most fantastic seat in the whole place...and i could feel that beautiful smile that we all know and love of him!!!! His laugh would have been out of this world to hear! We laughed and cried and visited and it was a great chance to catch with people i haven't seen in so long! If you want to see the logo, i have it posted as my profile picture right now on my facebook page...i can't quite figure out how to upload pictures to this blog site, but i will make it my mission so you all can see it and enjoy it!
I couldn't believe how hard it was for me though, packing up his jersey so i could wear it for him...bringing along the sticks that he cut down and taped up and made for our boys...he should've been there, he needed to be the one playing pond hockey with the guys!!! We all miss him SO much but it was such great medicine for us all to be together missing him!
So i have this huge thank you, for the poeple who made it out, the people who brought food and to Chad and Clark for their time and efforts to make it such a fairytale adventurous day! It was perfect and it was more than i ever dreamed it could be to celebrate Colin's 30th Birthday! I am blessed with the most wonderful people in my life...Colin and I knew very well that we were and I AM the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by the great friends in my life!

So as i enter into another one of those impossible weeks, with thoughts of joy and sadness mixed...it's another one of those Firsts that sting really bad...I Miss you my dear sweet Colin, I hope Jesus takes care of that HUGE 30th Birthday Party Bash on my behalf!!! My wish would be to be apart of it somehow, only for a minute! Leave a candle still lit on ur cake for me, k?! XOXO

Happy Monday!
Love, Melissa

Here and Now...

2011-01-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how good it feels to clean the house, top to bottom, with as little interruption as i had this morning..Keegan just following me with his little cloth, dusting and cleaning everything i was! It was awesome, the music was up so loud and we just went to it! I have a dream to one day have the house actually stay clean for an entire day but as long as i have two energetic hurricanes in my house, my dreams will have to be put on hold....i'm positive most of you mom's reading this can relate exactly to what i'm saying! It just feels good to feel good...to be productive. The kids have been playing tag with a nasty chest cold for the past few weeks, so with the cold weather thrown in to that mix, we were a bunch of caged animals, as again, i know so many of you can relate! At least we're not alone right?! We're all pretty much in the same boat, but i don't think it makes it any easier for any of us!
I need to paint a picture for you...i'll do my best to describe it exactly the way i witnessed it. I was in our office, checking my email, listening to some tunes, and usually where the music is, Keegan and I aren't too far behind boppin' to the beats. So as he was dancin' he climbed up onto the loveseat behind me, and stood on the sidearm, it's flat and right up above it is a beautiful picture of our dearest Colin all decked out in his uniform and smiling so magestically! My dearest Keegie Bear puts both his arms up with his hands on the wall, one on either side of the picture, where he starts to have quite a detailed conversation with his Daddy. Telling him about the cars he was playing with, asking him if he was a Policeman and now that he was in heaven, was he still Police?! Then he starts to talk and then giggle, all the while still very intently starring into Daddy's picture...not at all aware that i was watching him with tears in my eyes. I find myself in this default setting, I just still think that maybe he'll come walking in the door, that this wasn't our life, that i didn't have to be the one to lose my love~some of our days with being sick were so long, i remember when Colin and I would be wishing away the time until the kids were in bed, we would pack all of us up and just take a drive and see what fun we could have and where we would end up. So that's what i did, but it just wasn't as fun as it once was...and the boys just wanted to go back home, so i explained to them that we were taking the long way around:) That seemed to appease them and give me a few minutes of peace and quiet, well maybe not quiet, but all i had to do was drive and nothing else! I am trying so desperately to enjoy these times with my boys, but this life was never meant to be spent alone. The beauty of how God created family, the essance of a family unit, i'll never take it for granted again. If God would allow for that unit to be repaired and restored in our lifetime, i guess i'll have to keep seeking Him for our direction, wherever that may take us! I guess i just gotta keep pluggin away...making sure i see the many, many things to be so thankful for...especially when the days feel like years!
The house is quiet, Keegan is having a nap, i'm done cleaning...and i only have about a 45 minute window of some quiet, i'm gonna go enjoy that right now!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa
ps..thanks for thinking to my random thoughts, just what's on my heart right at this moment!

2011-01-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

It's the end of a busier than normal week for us...and it's snowing again! I managed to be organized enough to get my grocery essentials before it got ugly! That almost never happens! Yesturday, from inside our warm, cozy house, as i watched the snow start to fall...i was smelling homemade chicken soup from the slow cooker, freshly baked oatmeal cookies and my coffee, wishing SO much to look forward to someone coming home at the end of the day to share it all with. It was just one of those lonely days i guess. BUT the boys were hungry and ate lots and lots, so i'm not complaining, i did something right, and at least their bellies were filled and we were all warm and cuddled up!
As for this past week...Dad and I had a meeting for the RELAY 4 LIFE through the Canadian Cancer Society) happening locally at the end of May. This year, they asked Dad and I to be the Honorary Co-Chairs for the event! What an absolute honour it is for both of us to be apart of such an inspiring group of people. Mixed with cancer survivors and people affected in some way by the disease. What an amazing way for us to give back and make change happen in our community! I am planning on posting a link and more info on the event or about how you can get involved and register your teams, if you feel you want, too!
Wednesday night was the annual Police Parade held at the Cypress Centre. A chance for the department and their families to get together all dressed up and looking great, might i add, and hear about the previous year and the year ahead. What an incredible group of officers who make up this Police Family...it made me miss the life we would've had being apart of it...Colin was watching though, of that i'm sure! I had the oppertunity to sing O Canada, which was fun, but it was bittersweet. Last Year Colin was apart of his first and last Parade, i'm so grateful he was able to do that, but i wish it wasn't just one year! This past November marked Dad's 30th year in Policing...so it was great to have our whole family there to watch him march and show him how so very proud we are of him!

This week my little Keegan has had this awful chest cold that's making it's rounds, so i've been trying to make sure he's getting better and not any worse, hopefully he can kick it soon!
I wanted to share this quote i read from Oswald Chambers, he wrote one of my most favorite devotional books, and it reads, "We do not need the Grace of God to withstand crises - human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatureal grace of God to live 24 hrs of every day, as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God - but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people - and this is not learned in 5 minutes." The thing that spoke to me about that and the thing that i'm learning so clearly is that i never dreamed how hard it would be to walk through Colin's journey and his fight to the end with his disease...but honestly, i was never fully prepared for how difficult the "after it all" would be. I mean, spiritually, with others carrying us on prayer and surrounding us both physically and spiritually...now, i have to do it on my own. My relationship with God has grown, changed, bloomed, and stretched me to limits i never thought possible, but it is my own...and now is where i have to dig in and get dirty and keep going, praying like crazy i'm prepared for any other battle that comes my way! This has been the most difficult but the most beautiful part of my journey. Most days i go to bed feeling like i've failed miserably in more ways than i can count, but knowing that only God can fill where i come up painfully short, and that He will grant me another day to try again! There is true beauty in ashes, i've never understood that statement so clearly. So as this month of January is usually the longest month at the best of times, the plan is to pray for the "me" to step aside and let God do the extraordinary however He see's fit to do so!
Keegan's sound asleep and it's time for me to have some warm soup and get under a blanket for some quiet time of my own!
Keep warm! Enjoy the day, hopefully from an inside spot!
Love, Melissa

2011-01-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how fast time is flying by so far in this new year! I just remembered that the 5th of this month marked Colin's 6 month birthday in Heaven. It has probably been like the blink of an eye for him up there, but here, a lot of these days have been like an eternity. I can't believe he's been gone 6 months...to some of you reading, it may not seem like that much time, but i guess there's something to be said about being submerged in this reality day in and day out. There's no release from the fact that it's just me and the boys...i feel like i've been able to settle in even more though. I mean that i'm feeling even more like myself again...i forgot what that feels like and i don't think i'm in my entirelty yet. It's good but it's lonely at times. I miss so much how beautiful Colin made me feel, whether i was in my Sunday best coming down the stairs from our room, or just in my favorite sweats and a warm hoodie. There was never a day that he didn't tell me he loved me with everything in him, and there wasn't a day that i doubted i was the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. That's a difficult gear to switch, and i can tell you that my pep talks to myself definitely don't get the point across so effectively. Corban does his best, he's such a sweetie, he tells me quite often that he thinks i'm pretty and then Keegan pipes up and starts copying him, so i'm a lucky girl cuz the boys are filling in now that Colin's gone.
School started up for Corban again, and he's not the most excited about it, so the first day back was a battle of coaxing him on the bus through his tears and my guilt for not wrapping him up in my arms and keeping from the big bad world...BUT i'm getting to know how Corban is, self conscious and it doesn't take much to make him nervous, qualities i'm not sure are from the way he is naturally wired or from losing his Daddy and not having that male influence to daily build his confidence. Why does life have to throw us such curve balls, it's not fair for him to have to go through life this way, and it's like a knife in my heart that i feel so powerless to handle and help him through.
Keegan is growing up, talking WAY more and i sure love how cuddly he is when we're the only one's at home on school days. I love our simple conversations with so much emotion and expression, it's such a sweet thing...even the way he talks about Daddy. The things he has retained and that are still now coming to the surface...even he had a little cry the other day about missing Daddy.
Well, i guess all in all, we're just plugging along doing ok, thanking God for each day and the blessings in it. Like Corban says, "we gotta keep a thankful heart, right Mommy?"
I pray this finds each of you well, and i pray that each one reading finds the many blessings all around you!
Love, Melissa
ps...i just want you to know how blessed i feel having you still reading this blog..makes me feel less alone in it all, i so appreciate the time spent just wondering how we're doing! Thank You! You'll never know how much it means to me!
xoxo

Into the Unknown...2011

2010-12-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

A new year..Already?! Honestly i don't even know what the heck happened this year?! I remember telling everyone i came in contact with last year at this time, that 2010 was our year, cuz really, it couldn't get any worse, right?! Whoa...I believe i was still so incredibly naive. Standing at the door looking into our 2010 ahead, there was so much hope, so much promise and optimism for what was in our future, both with Colin's new career and with our family. We were basking in the amazing change God had brought into our lives and we were given this new perspective of never taking any moment we had together for granted. I'm so grateful for that change, because the first 4 months would be the last we would have together as a complete family unit, whole, healthy and happy enjoying every single minute together! Man, i just can't believe there was still more to come...that our God had other plans that in my human way of thinking, i still can't piece together the gravity of what we lived through. BUT i think there is a Heavenly reason for that. God is my shield and what i have learned through this, is that i have absolutely no control over this life or any of the people whom i love so dearly. God has this incredibly intricate and intertwined plan for us and HIS timing for each of us is set, so perfectly by GOD alone! I am able to see the beauty in that plan, and although however lonely this road is without having someone to share it all with, i fully trust that God has some sort of a plan for me!
Our Christmas was so great! It was good to get away, great to be with family who we love so much and just to be on the farm away from it all, it was the best way to spend our first Christmas with Colin in Heaven. I kinda felt like there was this weird emptiness following me...I just felt lost, with how to even feel this Christmas, that even though there was people around and the house was full, I was alone. I drowned myself with how excited the boys were for Christmas and even though there was some lack of sleep involved, all in all, we had a wonderful Christmas. New Years however, is quiet, but by choice...New Years was always a time for Colin and I to spend together, we would always plan things with friends but secretly enjoyed just spending it together at home with movies and snacks till wee hours of the morning, just the two of us! Speaking of which, i'm gonna go crawl into bed and watch a movie right away here. Just thought i would update how we were holding up...to be honest, as a friend recently explained, it's not the lead up to this holiday season that is the worst, it's after it's all over that is the hard part...the silence, having nothing in the forseeable future to look forward too...So, onto 2011, with not an ounce of knowledge of what our future looks like, but i pray for many smiles and much laughter and memories with the people that i love!
Happy New Year!
Love, Melissa

Christmas With Jesus This Year...

2010-12-23T12:52:00.001-08:00

I want to touch base with you all before we head to Hanna (to my aunt and uncle's farm) for a few days!
We got an early Christmas gift, unwanted of course, of the nasty stomach bug...it's hit Corban first and i'm just praying like crazy it will leave us alone until we can come back home after Christmas in Hanna! I've seen, yet again, the priceless drive and determination from Corban to just plug through whatever comes his way...even in the midst of throwing up literally almost every hour last night, there was not a complaint from him...brought back all too freshly the suffering i saw in Colin during the first few weeks and throughout his relapse! I thank God everyday for these valuable traits that are being passed down from Colin to our boys...the only thing is, my regret is that i didn't say more how much i appreciated those traits in Colin, himself...he knew, but i just wish i had one more time to say it again! I have a simple prayer request, that we can get to Hanna and be surrounded by family for Christmas...i just don't think my heart or my head could handle having to be stranded at home in the quiet of this season without Colin. I was SO dreading this flu bug for that reason, but tis the season i guess...my heart goes out to all of you who have had it or cared for your sweet little one's through it, wow it's nasty!
Someone very dear, who has also experienced a great loss in her own life gave me this poem and the moment i read it, i felt i needed to share it with you as well! My peace for this Christmas comes from knowing that Colin is having a blast up there with our Jesus, praising and partying and being everything God meant for him to be with not a worry or a care in the world! Imagine that kind of freedom, just to be and worship the God of creation on Jesus's Birthday! Oh i wish i could be at that party!

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear,
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmsa songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the Joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know ho much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift,
From my Heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is a gift,
More precious than pure gold,
It was always most important,
In the stories JEsus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Heavenly Father siad to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love,
He has for each of you!
So have a Merry Christmas,
And wipe away that tear,
Remember, I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

-With All My Love...

Now I have to go and wipe my tears and get to packing for our trip, I pray this finds you comfort the it has for me, May God's deepest and richest Blessings fall on each one of you this Christmas! Thank you for blessing me the way you have this past year!
i'll be in touch when we get back home!
Love, Melissa

2010-12-20T18:43:00.001-08:00

Well, there it was...the weekend has come and gone and it was the most fantastic weekend EVER!!!! It started with some shopping on Saturday, supper uninterrupted from kidlets of any kind, getting to stay in a hotel (can't even tell you the last time i did that!), getting in a great Christmas service Sunday morning followed by some more shopping (at a different mall, i love Calgary!) TOPPED OFF WITH THE MOST INCREDIBLE CARRIE UNDERWOOD CONCERT!!!! To be honest, i was SO excited up until we arrived to the concert itself, then i had this inexplicable feeling of homesickness...i really kinda just wanted to go home and crawl into bed BUT then i remembered CARRIE UNDERWOOD!!! ok, no no no, i wanted to be there, but i couldn't help but feel like Colin should have been there sitting with me, laughing hysterically for the fool i was making of myself while dancing and singing almost every word with one miss Carrie, herself! I tried to embrace every moment, because in those moments the last Christmas gift i will ever recieve from my dearest Colin was disappearing, fading only into magical memories. My heart was bursting with excitment to be in those moments, seeing someone whom i've listened to her music almost everyday since she released her first cd. Colin knew this would be so important to me, the coolest thing i will do for a long time, the highlite for a long time to come. Luckily, i had Nat beside me, knowing without me even having to say a word the depth of bittersweetness i was feeling. I had the most amazing time, thanks to the girls! Just what i needed, to get away and regroup a bit! It was good! BUT also, SO good to be home! Corban made a comment to Keegan before i left on Saturday that "mommy was just going to be gone for a few days, she has to go sing with Carrie Underwood" Oh man, i was singin with her alright, but he was quite confused when i showed him the pictures i had, and i wasn't in any of them! He actually asked where i was and why i wasn't there with her on stage?! HE'S MY HERO FOR EVEN MENTIONING IT!!! The kids did great, thanks to my parents for keeping them and to my Brother for putting some time in as well! It means so much to know that i can go away and not have to worry...i know all too well about leaving them, but this was different, it's about time to drive into Calgary for something other than hospitals and treatments, although my heart did skip a beat to drive passed a building where we could've called a second home for most of last year! Just breathe, Nat reminded me:)
So now, onto Christmas! The boys are starting to ask when they can open gifts and what i got for them, so i'm getting more and more excited to see them beam with crazy energy this Christmas!
Anyhoo, i should go clean up, the house was clean for all of 30 seconds when we walked in the door, so much for that idea:)
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa
ps.. when i was telling Nat that i was sad after the concert that it was Colin's last gift to me, she reminded me that our two boys are each treasured gifts that i have from him....and boy, do they keep on giving;)

An Early Christmas Gift...

2010-12-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting for this weekend with such a sweet sadness...and intense excitement! ok, since she was discovered on American Idol, i've been the biggest Carrie Underwood fan....as i'm sure it's impossible for anyone not to be:) And admist the storm that Colin was in, in his last hospital stay in Calgary, he still had his dreamer's heart, but instead of dreaming for himself, he did something to make a dream of mine come true. Colin and my big brother Andy schemed, and Andy did the leg work to get Nat and I tickets to her concert, for a Christmas present. Well we all know that just days after this plan was made, Colin and I recieved the news that he wouldn't get to be around for Christmas...and after the most emotionally painful car-ride i've ever endured back to Medicine Hat, Colin and Andy made a phone call to each other and with his whole body shaking, Colin gave me my last Christmas present i would recieve from him, and in the process he made a little dream come true for me...The guys got us tickets to see Carrie Underwood in Calgary...THIS WEEKEND. Now, the original plan was for me to travel up to Calgary and stay with Andy and Nat...BUT now that they live here too, Nat and I and a couple of friends are going to head up and make a weekend of it...we've booked the hotel (with a hottub, i just want to sit uninterrupted in a hottub, lol, silly, i know!) and we're going to do some shopping and relaxing and just get away for a few days! I am SO excited, i haven't been out of town since the summer, and it will be good to just have some "me" time...Truth is, i've been so looking forward to this weekend, that until now, i didn't know that it typing the explanation of this would be so bittersweet...Each of our Christmas's the most exciting thing to me was always to open what Colin would get me...he just had such a great way of knowing exactly what would make me light up with out me even giving him any ideas...i'm gonna miss that; i'm gonna miss coming home after seeing this concert and bursting with excitment about it and thanking him for this gift...Christmas is still my most favorite time of the year, this Christmas i'm jealous of what Colin will get to experience...can you imagine getting to spend a birthday celebration with Jesus, Himself?!!? I try, but my tiny human brain just cannot fathom what he's going to be apart of! I guess that's what makes me SO happy...although i want Colin here with us, i'm being selfish, because i would much rather him be there partying up a storm with a host of angels and saints that have gone before us...me too, but it's not my time yet;)
For now, i'm going to enjoy little bits of heaven, like my Corban's First school Christmas concert..his class sang 2 songs, and he sang every word and did amazing actions with his sticks and bells! I'm enjoying some cuddle time with Keegan today, thanking God of the blessing in being able to be a stay-at-home mommy, and gearing up to enjoy a weekend away to just have some time as 'me'. I'm going to cherish every minute of watching the boys open presents and taking the intesity of their excitment to fill the hole that Colin has left...a happy hole, of incredible blessings and memories...we'll always have those to hold close!
ok, now i've got a house that needs to be cleaned, laundry with my name all over it, and packing to do...all done with the loudest of Carrie Underwood music...i gotta make sure i know all my words! lol
Happy Weekend everybody!
Love, Melissa

2010-12-11T12:51:00.001-08:00

So again, i'm finding myself with cool things to think about but no one really to share them with, so again, i hope you don't mind listening/reading my spouting off!
God is reminding me what it means to have the simple faith of a child, and how powerful our God can be when we remove all of the idiosyncricies (sp?) that time, age, experiences, hurts, habits, etc, can weigh our faith down to the point that it's so far off in the distance we can hardly remember what it means to have that exciting, growth filled relationship with a loving Heavenly Father. Let me explain...last night Corban was really restless, i could hear him moving around well into the night, and then finally, he started to cry so when i went to him and asked him what was wrong, he told me he had a bad dream. Still mostly asleep, he couldn't tell me what it was about, just that he was afraid. So i did what we always do, i wrapped him up in my arms (although he's harder to scoop up, being so much bigger now)and i prayed in a whisper into his ear, and as i prayed pointedly for Jesus to keep Corban safe and brave, for HIS mightly angels to be around him and protecting him, it was almost instant. The Peace and Comfort just fell over Corban and i could physically feel him release the fear and fall back into that deep peaceful sleep. How simple his faith is, it's what makes it so easy to see God at work. He doesn't have to work at it, Corban just knows, God is real and HE keeps us safe, that's it, that's all. I was incerdibly encouraged to be a witness to that, and i have been trying myself to see it that simply for a while now. It was like God was saying, here, it's this easy, just come and rest in ME. So, that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Plain and simple! How relieving it is for me to know that when i, in all my humanness, when i can't do anything in my power to take away their pain, all i need to do is pray and lay it at the feet of Jesus...Hmmmm...that thought is just has the sweetest peace for me right now! I'm gonna go cuddle with Corban and have some tea!
Thanks for listening to my random tidbits!
Love, Melissa

2010-12-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

Hello All!
It's been too long since i've last posted so i thought i would get you up to speed on what's been going on in our world! The boys and I are keeping busy these days...I was able to help out with worship team this past Sunday morning, and boy, it was great to get involved with music again! What an amazing place to be in the middle of such a loving extended church family! God is good! Since this is the Christmas season, afterall, i am able to get involved a little tiny bit with our church Christmas musical as well...My mom and i are singing in an ensemble, just one song, and the kids are singin' a little song too, so it's gonna be fun. It's this friday (10th) and Saturday (11th) at 7pm at Hillcrest. So our evenings this week have been eaten up by practices, but the boys come and play in the pews, they've been great and very patient.
An update on my dearest Corban...well he has been better, still not entirely himself, but i can't blame him. i'm just now starting to feel like myself, so i'm trying to love him through this rough patch. The hard thing is, that he doesn't ever want to be away from me, not for school, Sunday school, Nana and Papa, nothing...it's been a bit exhausting on my part, but he's already had one parent torn away from him...i'm willing to give him all the comfort and reassurance that i'm not going anywhere, at least thats what i'm praying...i guess it's not up to me at all. God is in complete control, and there's nothing more comfortable in this world than resting in that knowledge and peace!
To be honest, the start of the Christmas season was rough, but right now, i'm loving this time of year, i'm making it a priority to enjoy each day and i'm realizing it's not that bad...i mean of course there's a hole where Colin needs to be, and i'm not fighting that...that hole will always be there, no matter how much time passes, he is dearly missed...but God has these wonderful blessings in this life that i'm choosing to embrace and not pass them by! Christmas is one of those blessings! It's getting easier to laugh and easier not to cry so often...God is SO good!
Corban's school year has been going great and he's even starting to read and writing lots too, i'm just blown away at how Colin's determination to get it perfect has been passed on in our dearest Corban...he won't give up till he gets it right...i'm so very proud of him! He has a Christmas concert at his school next week and i'm thrilled to get the video camera out and watch him! We are busy with friends and just enjoying loving the people around us, which is such a great blessing as well!
As for today, today is a good day, it's a home day, Corban has a bad case of a head cold, so i kept him home from school and we've had the best time just relaxing and taking it easy!
I pray the rest of this Christmas season keeps going well for those of you who are also missing Colin and other loved one's! God's love heals, i pray we'll all be open to receive the gifts in each day!

oh, before i go, i have to tell you the most precious thing i heard Corban say to Keegan this morning. As i was making breakfast, the boys were sitting at their little table, and Corban was trying to explain to Keegan about Christmas being Jesus's Birthday...he then tells Keegan, "Christmas is not a time to get..it's a time to give, cuz it's Jesus's special day"...i wish i could have captured it, but hearing it melted my heart!
Blessings on you today!
love, Melissa

The Making of New Memories!

2010-11-29T19:27:00.000-08:00

Well...this weekend has come and gone, and today (being Corban's actual birthday) was a good day to make new holiday memories as well as celebrate our dearest Corban being SO BIG!!! We had our whole family here, mom and dad, Andy and Nat and the kids...let me tell you how cool it is to all be together on a random Monday night!!!! We are so thankful to have Andy and Nat and the kids close...Uncle Andy was the Project Manager helping us set up the Christmas tree and do the ribbons and the lights...making sure it was done right and looking good! I got the kids a little Charlie Brown looking Christmas tree for our main living room...they could do whatever they wanted to it and while tree docorating was in progress, in true "Mommy" style, we had to have a dance party to Mariah Carey Christmas!!! So all the kids were jumping and singin and we were all laughing and honestly having a great time. I'm determined to keep our little family unit close and making new memories because i know that God has given us each day together...however long and draining it is for me, my sweet boys deserve fun adventures! Speaking of fun adventures, the three of us got all dressed up for playing in the snow and went out and found a cute little hill we could sled down! Let me tell you, i had the most fun i've had in a long time, and after the past week we had, it was about time to just relax and have fun with my boys! It still stings though...how much more fun the boys would've had to have their Daddy rolling down the hills with them...

i just finished watching the last of our "daddy" videos on my video camera...what precious memories we were able to capture for us to have! I didn't even cry, i smiled...at how we tried to make each waking moment a memory. To love intensly know that those moments were our last. But the greatest gift is that I dont' have any regrets...i'm just incredibly blessed to have those precious family memories, knowing that someday our boys will hold those videos so closely never doubting that in every image, their Daddy loved them so completely!
I made it, through another one of the tougher stretches...God is still growing me through these times, and i think i'm clinging closer now than i ever have, but there's nowhere else i'd rather be!
i'm gonna go have tea and sit by the Christmas tree:)
Love, Melissa

2010-11-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

ok, so the inevitable is here...Corban's birthday...my baby is 5 years old, i can't even believe where the time has gone. Oh to gracefully get through this weekend...i am also planning on getting our Christmas decorations out and up..Thankfully my mom and Nat declared it a family affair so i won't be by myself to do it. To be honest i've been pushing this off, just not thinking about it cuz i don't really want to do this stuff alone...BUT i won't allow Satan to steal my JOY. This past week, i have to confess, was one of the worst weeks in a very long time...i've been growing SO much in my relationship with God so the days have kicked off to this amazing start and each day, gradually just gets worse...i've been hit hard with the point that i am crippled as a single parent. I feel like all i do some days is discipline and get mad and play the middle man between the two boys, and i don't want them to start to resent me or push me away because of that. Lately, if i let my guard down and give them an inch, they gang up and take a mile. I know that these are lies and that i am capable and i am sufficient right now, but man, i'm exhasuted from being emotionally attacked.
whoa..i just got a call from Corban's bus driver, she was talking with him yesturday at his bus stop and asked where his Daddy was...whether he worked out of town or something...Corban told her that his Daddy died and that it was his fault because Colin carried him too much and that's why he started having his back pain. Oh wow, where do i even start, and my heart is breaking because this is pain that i just can't spare him from, i can't make it go away or even lessen it. I just wonder some days if i can get them through this without too many scars...i have just been talking with Corban and i asked him honestly if he thought it was his fault, and he said no, but when things come out of his mouth, i guess it's just good i'm aware that he had a thought like that, however fleeting it may be...i'm gonna go pray with him and talk about this and try to shed some light and just keep affirming him...i'll use the information as a tool that i need to help us through...
Can I ask for some prayers of strength and wisdom and that God's healing touch can be over us as we hit some more bumps...that we can stay tightly by HIS side and be safe in HIS ARMS:)
Love, Melissa

A little piece of my Heart.

2010-11-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

Lord,
Help me to be patient in my pain because i don't want to ruin the blessings You have for me in us travelling this journey together. Teach me to keep my eyes and my heart fixed on You, in hope that You, and only You can meet my every need. Thank You that there is beauty in suffering and thank you for continuing to reveal Your heart for me as You teach me what it means to be a woman of God. I praise You for my healing and for this road of recovery that i walk each day! Thank You for holding my hand and showing me the beauty and the rich blessings all around me. I am in awe of the Warrior God I experienced in You fighting the battle of Colin's cancer for us and I am so honored to see and experience Your equally tender and loving heart in the aftermath. You eminate what true beauty is and each day I want to be more like You but i fall so desperately short. Thank You that Your love fills the holes of my imperfections and injects hope where my own human strength runs out. I love You, Thank You for loving me inspite of all of my shortcomings.
For now, i'll wait...and i will continue to trust in You, Lord, in every circumstance...

Trust Me...

2010-11-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

Well, i guess i've been silently waiting for this moment to come. It's been great that time, up until this point, has been passing relatively smoothly. I mean, we have our moments and sometimes our days, and we cry but there has been a good amount of distractions around to keep me busy and the time passes each day quite nicely! But the last little bit, i've found myself looking at the clocks a little more often, and the thoughts of having it blatently clear that I am alone and the only adult in our home is being driven home a little more than i'd like. I'm understanding the family dynamic in a whole new light that i never realized before. The beauty in how God placed each family member in a specific and unique role, how we have something vital to contribute, to feed each other and become this beautiful sheltered environment that operates so perfectly in itself. I so desperately miss that feeling of being "complete". I know, the textbook advice is to allow God to fill that void, and be that role for me and the kids to make us complete. I have to say that although God and I have been through the fires of life's devastation, i'm having a tough time with this one. I guess that in my impatience (a quality i seem to have picked up along my way through life)I expect that this will be felt and just "happen", but i'm slowly learning that I have to learn this new "role" that i'm expecting God to fill. I've always looked at my relationship with the God of the universe to be that father to daughter type of a role, this larger than life being that created me and everything around me, but for Him to love me as a "husband" would love his wife is just something i'm praying for more understanding on. I guess i'm kind of going through a process of mourning layered losses. I know that doesn't make sense just in itself, but let me go more indepth with what i mean. I am grieving for my boys, the loss of those very big and also the very little things that people take for granted, like, when someone asks, "What does your Daddy do for a living?", or those funny little things boys say to each other like, "My Daddy could beat your Daddy at hockey". I miss the precious sound of a child's voice yelling "DADDY" followed by the pitter patter of running feet to jump in for a BIG hug when he gets in the door.
Colin and I shared a lot in our marriage, not only being in a partnership in keeping our household and daily routine but in parenting and i'm mourning that loss and those effects on our boys as they grow up.
I'm grieving a loss of myself as just being able to be a balanced wife and mom...I didn't get to be a wife since Colin was diagnosed because, i can't entirely explain it, but i had to step into a "caregiver" role that spun me into this high-strung, worrier for trying to make sure everyone was taken care of...i'm remembering what my role was in Colin's journey, and i'm sad that we had such separate roles to play...the impossibility of really actually being a family towards the end breaks my heart but i know that we operated in God's timing and in God's perfection to provide comfort and closure and to love our loved one's. I refuse to let the enemy, who only looks out to steal the blessings in this life that God is giving me, i refuse to let him hook in and feed me lies about regrets or worries...I know, i know, i know, God, I trust YOU...I just have to focus on that simple thing. Amidst it all, I feel like I can hear God whisper, "Just keep watching Me, keep focused on Me, I have the Master Plan, I'm going to navigate you through, I promise YOU. Trust ME"
So, I guess after unloading this tonight, I have to pick myself back up and regroup and look UP and keep focussed.
At the end of the month is Corban's birthday, then Christmas, and i feel like it's the last big path of "firsts" we have to get through. I guess i've just never realized how magical the Christmas season is, when it's been just me, doing the shopping and working through our Christmas lists. It's hit me like a ton of bricks, emotionally, i mean.
Sorry for the mishmash of thoughts, I just had to get them out, I kind of felt like I was going to explode!
Well, maybe sleep will come more easily with that out!
I pray there will be some sense into what i've typed, but there has been such healing in this for me, I pray God can use my words...
Sweet Dreams..
Love, Melissa

What's Happenin'

2010-11-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well, where do i begin? It feels like forever ago that i updated you all on how life is going and what we've been filling our time with these days! I feel like we've been busy these past few weeks, but looking back, my mind goes blank with what exactly we were doing! Ha! I can tell you truthfully, that with each passing day, i am feeling more and more like myself again! I feel like me and the boys are in a good place right now, i do still pray everyday that i can be cut in half and multiplied...just so more time can separately be spent with each precious little boy! I just have to trust that God's love is going to do so much filling in the cracks and spaces where i just can't! I still have these flashbacks every so often of what each day was like being with Colin, having him so sick, even looking back at some pictures, the cancer changed him so drastically physically, and i didn't even notice it until now, going through the pictures. I guess God was protecting me, He knew Colin needed me focused on caring for him, so the rest of it just didn't matter, because through sickness and health, well, i just never thought my marriage vows would ever really fully be put to the test!
We have been enjoying spending time with friends and family, and just this last week a great friend of ours offered to take some family photos for the three of us!!! It had been something that had been on my mind for so long and since i wasn't doing anything proactive about, God took matters into His own hands and sent someone to help me out in that area! What a blessing! I've only seen a few pictures so far, but oh my boys! I thought i was in love with them before, but seeing their sweetness captured in a picture, I could just stare at them all day! i'm so proud with how did on that day, too, with a little candies to fill in the cracks, i'm hoping we got some good one's to work with!
God is also showing me what He can do if i can begin to realize my dreams again! This past week, a lifelong dream for me came true. I was able to actually go into a real, live, recording studio and record some background vocals for a friend who is in the midst of preparing her own Cd!!!! Wowee, it was the coolest thing and i was SO nervous, but when i prayed before i went in, all i wanted was to try to enjoy myself and make God proud! It lit a fire to sing more, and maybe dream bigger than i ever have before, in this area!
This coming weekend Andy and Nat are moving down! Wow, there's another HUGE God thing, i only wish my words would make clear how much we've felt God take care of every detail and bless them HUGE along the way! It will be so nice to have them close, a dream come true for sure! Thank YOU Jesus for blessing us!
I also know that Colin's parents are also beginning to make their new place a home as well!
Other than this stuff, i'm just taking each day as it comes, and trying to see God's blessings in all of it....and i'm praying for patience in what God has next for me and the boys! I'm content to just enjoy the friends and family and blessings all around me...God is SO good!
i'll keep you posted on what's to come, i'm still figuring that out myself, so i'll keep you up to speed when God brings me up to speed! haha;)

To YOU...I give Thanks...In ALL of Life's Circumstances

2010-10-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Who knew that a fictional medical show i watched last night would strike such a deep cord with our recent events in real life (well, duh, i guess it's not that surprising). I think it's been building for the entire week. My thoughts have naturally been going to all the memories surrounding Colin's last year and before. With cold and flu season upon us, Keegan has been sniffly and Nana came down with a bad 24 hour flu bug that prompted some more healthy talk about what happened to Daddy. Keegan has been thinking that since Nana has a sick tummy and Daddy was sick that Nana has to go to heaven to get better. I didn't realize that lumping "sick" althogether would be so confusing for our little Keegan, so now i have needed to explain the "C" word. Daddy had cancer, his whole body was sick and Jesus wanted to take him home to heaven to really make sure he was ALL better and never again will he get sick. Nana has a germie that is making her feel sick in her tummy and she just needs to rest and Jesus can make her feel all better here with us. Little by little we'll get there, as he gets older, he'll process more and ask us more questions and i'm glad for the steps, i think it's God's way of keeping us going without overwhelming us!
Last night i had such a strong urge to look back, not too far back but just since Colin's relapse...i cried for Colin, for his pain, for how the cancer in his body ravaged his appearance and still how he so graciously took what he had been given and praised God and trusted him to carry him through all the while so aware of what had been taken from him in this life. I cried for our boys; for what they must have felt in those last days, and for how i just couldn't be there the wa i would've wanted looking back. I cried for me...the life i had always dreamed of and the loss of my best friend and my true love. I just can't quite put a finger on what i feel now the past little while, i guess that's why i haven't written an update, nothing really comes to mind; until tonite. i'm not shying away from these points of pain, it's the only way to heal, to hurt enough and be broken so that God can piece me back together. I want to be new, and whole and restored...My fear is the cost this is having on our boys. How this will effect them and shape their future, BUT again, i have to trust that God's got this major detail covered, i keep holding so tight to that promise! Psalm 55:22 "Give your worries and cares to the LORD, and He will take care of you, he will never let His people down".
I feel like right now, i am able to sit back and watch God bless those who have taken care of us...To see God work in HIS most perfect timing, and bring every last detail together is the coolest thing to watch...i just wish Colin were here to see it all unfold...our prayers are being answered, my sweetie, please can you give Jesus a HUGE hug for me, for allowing Andy and Nat to move closer...i know that we prayed so much for God to bless them for taking us in and sharing their home up in Calgary with us...i haven't stopped praying for God to carry them and all our family and friends and bless them. i just wish i could celebrate with you and give you a hug and kiss you and jump up and down and have you tell me how weird and wonderful i am to you! heehee...I don't have enough kleenex left to share their stories entirely from Andy and Nat or Colin's parent's stories of God's provision and timing, but Colin also wanted more than anything for his parents to have a home, and not be in unheaval and God has answered those prayers and we have spoke so often of how amazing it would be to share life as we know it with Andy and Nat and their kids in the same city and now that, too, has been an answered prayer...oh to give Praise face to face to the One that makes everything happen! Colin...you have the best job up there, to sit and give thanks at the feet of Jesus, let Him know how thankful we all are as well!
there is peace and unspeakable blessings in being carried by God, in His perfect timing, no matter the situation. I saw it in the midst of our darkest hour, how Andy and Nat and Colin and i ordered our last "low-key" yummy meal before we brought him home for his last days, and remembering back to that perfect evening, of laughing and crying and just being real to speak whatever we wanted to each other no matter how aweful it sounded...and how when Andy offered for Colin to wear his Flames jersey as his outfit to be buried in...Colin quickly told Andy that he would for never get into heaven with that thing on! haha..How perfect that night was, just the four of us processing...we had actually planned to rush home that night, but i'm grateful we listened to God's gentle urge to stay put. And now too, in our healing, with so much to be thankful for, God is still ushering us through this life with His utmost care and showing us His timing is ALWAYS perfection...JOY, copious amounts of Joy is how i feel at this moment.

Desperation Brings Me to Praise!

2010-10-14T07:41:00.001-07:00

Yesturday, i was reminded yet again of that "Dangerous Prayer" i was praying back in March before Colin's relapse. It is a song by Kathleen Carnali, which i prayed a lot over the course of a few weeks, "Jesus, reign on my parade, strip me down again so i'm desperate for you, Jesus, whatever it takes bring me to my end, so i'm desperate for you again". Whoa, if i could go back i would shake my self and say "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" But i know that God's will is powerful and His plans for Colin were already in motion, BUT my prayer, along with many others, was answered. I have been completely changed in how i view my need for a Savior. I am desperate for Him...desperate for Him to protect me through this crator of life that i'm travelling through, i'm desperate for Him to show me how to be a parent who loves unconditionally and shows Grace and patience and i'm incredibly desperate for God to fill in the Daddy role to my boys...i could go on and on, but i'm finding that living in this dangerous desperation is actually the most safe i've ever felt in my whole life. Looking back, i had no way of knowing what my prayers were going to do and how that would fit with God's plan in my life, and it has been completely terrifying, but also a place filled with much peace. It feels so good to throw up my hands and just let God lead..this crator of grief and loss isn't so bad to travel through when i have a God who comforts me minute by minute and provides for my every need even when i am not aware of it! I am so increibly humbled and grateful for Him, to walk alongside little old me. That He would love us so much to shield and protect us from the depths of pain and suffering in this world! Praise is the order of the day! I choose to praise despite whatever comes up today!
Oh ya, i almost forgot! Corban was awarded the "Student of Character" for his school for the month of September. His award said they chose him for his good behavior, his gentle and kind spirit, always working hard and making really great friends! Isn't that SO cute?! We put it into a frame already! I SO wish Colin was here but i know he's looking down...he's got a good seat up there, i'm sure!
Gotta go! Keegie and i have a "toffee" (coffee) date on the couch under a warm blanket!
Love, Melissa

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-10-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Well, we made it through the last week, aside from all of our firsts, Tuesday marked 3 months that Colin has been with Jesus. I keep thinking how so very thankful i am that he didn't suffer or have to agonize through very many days, he's up in heaven having "fun" as Keegan says..."Daddy, sick, Daddy, Heaven, Fun, Daddy, Fun!"...Keegan also seems to think that there's puppies up in Heaven helping Daddy have fun!
I have to report that Corban did amazingly well as his first skating lesson, and he's been asking every day since, when he gets to go back! Like someone wise who has gone before me on this journey has said, the leading up to the event is often much worse than the event we were dreading! Again, this rings true with Thanksgiving...I am honestly truely thankful, for everyone and everything that is around me. I have never felt so full and so blessed and God's blessings keep me smiling each day...not a day goes by that we don't miss Colin, or think of what we are missing without him here, but i know that he would want us to be happy and enjoy each other and the life that God has blessed us with! So, my dearest Colin, this is a Thanksgiving that is so very empty without you but more importantly i am so thankful that you have shown us how to appreciate what we have right here in front of us, and holding your hand through our life together has forever etched into my heart the importance of our families and friends and how eternally blessed we are both in the simplicities of life as well as the monumental moments. I miss you, as we get ready to have a yummy home-cooked Thanksgiving meal, and spend some time together as a family, there is this gigantic hole but oh how fansty of a feast you must be having with Jesus! I am thankful for Heavenly Thanksgivings, although mom's cooking i'm sure comes close, i can't imagine the yumminess of a Heavenly feast!
To all of our friends and family, I am so incredibly thankful for what you have done in my life and for my boys! Colin was always at peace with leaving me to be with Jesus, because he never doubted for a second that me and our boys would be taken care of...I knew that as well, but I have been blown away by just how cared for we have been! I thank you! Blessings on you this Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

2010-10-07T12:58:00.000-07:00

Whoa, it's been a whirlwind of the past week and a bit so forgive me for not posting sooner! We've entered into another set of "firsts" for me and the boys, so let me update you! Last weekend was such a great time, i have wanted to take Corban to a movie just the two of us since before Colin was sick and i just never got to it, and i've been making a huge effort to make sure i'm not putting precious one on one time off with each of my boys. So, Last saturday, Corban and i went to an afternoon movie and i don't think i watched a second of it, i was fixated on how cute he was sitting there in the theatre seat, with a drink on one side the size of his arm length and a bag of popcorn almost as big as he is....his eyes were SO wide, and he kept whispering random thoughts to me all the while never once taking his eyes from the screen...we had a great time and we made sure to bring some treats home for Keegan after his nap, too!
Aside from our usual routine to start this week, today was another first. Corban's first field trip! Keegan and i went along as well, to catch him in the action. First they toured the Police Station, which i have to say was a proud moment for me, because i am and always have been incredibly proud to be a Policeman's daughter and i've always been super proud of my Dad, but i was very much saddened at the fact that Colin couldn't be there, to show Corban around and tag along on this personal adventure into a place that has and always will be apart of who we are. Needless to say, i took so many pictures and Keegan even got to go on his own field trip up to the Office of the Chief and hang out with Papa for a bit while i was mezmorized by my sweet Corban in his class with the other students! I am sure proud of him, he was so good and attentive, a little surprising i have to say, cuz for me as his mommy, i find it difficult to stay attentive and not talk a lot, so i kinda assumed he would have a similar problem :) Then off we went to the Fire Station and there, too, the boys were caught up in the sirens and lights and they even got to shoot the fire hose! So cool! That's where i had to take Keegan back home for his nap, but Corban and his class went off to a greenhouse for lunch and then to play in a pumkin patch until school is over! Fun!!!
Wow, as if that were all, but tonite is going to sting even worse than today did i'm sure, it's Corban's first skating lesson, a dream Colin had from his time of birth! I hate that i have to put him in lessons, because Colin had always dreamed of being the one to teach our dearest Corban how to skate and they both have had tons of fun together going public skating....so again, it makes my heart hurt a little that Colin can't be here to tie his skates and tell him to get back up and keep trying again...that's it's gonna get easier and that he's so proud of a great job that Corban's doing...God is teaching me how to be in this role now, and i'm grateful my parents will come and watch and also that we have friends who can come and fill in those cracks...A huge thank you to a good friend Clark for lending us some really cute hockey skates that fit Corban perfectly and he even got them all sharpened up with skate guards so Corban's all set! I pray it goes well, and i pray i have the words of encouragement for Corban when he's wanting to quit because he just can't get the hang of it...Colin was always good at those talks, me, not so much, but i'm willing to learn, so tonite i have a lesson, too!
Each new day, God is teaching me that me and the boys are apart of something so much bigger than ourselves and our situation. We sadly, aren't alone in our loss..each day different families are hurting and experiencing loss and all i know how to do is to keep trusting that God has HIS master plan in action and that only HE knows how this all will fit for the good of those who love Him! I am thankful for having had these experiences because now i feel more equipped to pray for others and more prepared for how to help out!
So, here i go, off to get Corban from school pretty soon and then i pray we have a great night learning something new, the both of us!

2010-09-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yet again, i'm so thankful for an outlet to put my thoughts when they just don't let me find rest at the end of another long day. I am reminded again at the simplicity of our human understanding when it comes to death and life thereafter. I mean, really, i'm only going off of what i can understand of my bible, and even then, i'm pretty slow at catching on...Honestly, I still can't imagine the fact that i watched Colin pass away...but how did it really happen?! I mean, of course it happened, but i just somehow don't get it, even after seeing it and experiencing all that's going along with it. I don't even know if this makes any sense...let me back up a little, so you understand where my thoughts are coming from.
My whole life, i've always been careful, like i said before, i even packed a bag before i went to sleep of those things that were most precious to me, just in case something happened where i needed to make a quick exit. The same went and still goes for making sure i told my loved one's "I love you", before leaving them for any length of time. I never wanted to have the regret of not being able to say it one more time, and i'm so thankful i was able to tell Colin almost hourly that i loved him before he went to be with Jesus. I've been going through some of my "memories", in my huge hope chest in the basement and to this point i've just always stuffed things in and not sat down to take a look at all the "stuff" that i was accumulating. I have to tell you, ever since i met Colin, i had this urge to keep every single little detail of our story in tact, literally every letter, every picture, every note, skittles wrapper, movie ticket, EVERYTHING. I am so grateful i trusted my instincts enough, even as young as i was, because now i have this beautiful paper trail of our "story". How heartbroken i am, that it had to end so soon. That's something i'll just never understand, how could this be happening?! Like i was trying to piece through before, i just don't understand this "death" stuff sometimes...all i know is that he's gone, and there are times when it hurts real bad, and times more so than not that i can find it bareable to get through each day. I never realized how much of a physical tole emotions can place on a person, and it's been all i can do to be productive the past couple days. So by putting these strangley weird thoughts out, maybe it can release me to keep moving forward in this grieving process. "The year of firsts" is ahead, looming, and i'm already begging for it to stand still, Thankgiving is coming, and maybe i can just feel it...last year there was so much hope in the prognosis and so much to be thanful for...please don't get me wrong, i have SO much to be thankful for still, but i will have no one to hold hands with under the table when we pray, and no one to take pictures with on the steps for our Christmas card...and my boys, my sweet boys... Corban starts skating lessons next week and i just...this seems SO wrong that Colin is not here doing this with him. I used to tell Colin i think i willed Corban to be a boy when i was pregnant, because Colin had such big plans for a first born son, that i just pleaded with God to bless us with a boy and now he's gone. Each night i go to bed with this heaviness that i didn't do enough, couldn't spend enough quality time with each of them, that i shouldn't have gotten angry or could've been easier with my discipline, BUT they need to be parented and i'm determined to raise good Godly men. Colin was always my balance, and i'm feeling a little out of balance and i think there is this lonely place that no one on this earth can do in this family what Colin did for us, and now, i'm mourning that "secondary" loss...physically, Colin's gone, i guess each day i realize just how HUGE that loss really is, and how much our lives have and will continue to change because of it. Each day, i pray i can do better and be better for my boys and for myself and that God will teach me little tidbits in how to be better. As i try to rest tonight, so will be my prayer...My mom would always tell after a bad day, tomorrow we get to wake up and start fresh and new, and i will never forget it, what a blessing, a new fresh start in each new day!

So Small...

2010-09-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, i'm pleasantly surprise to report that Keegan is on day #4 of potty training and he is on day #2 of being accident free and telling me when he has to go! For some reason, I thought that he would give me a whole lot more trouble in this milestone but I also think that God knows what i can handle right now, and He's making this easy on all parties! I like to think of it as a confidence builder in the parenting department, like God is saying, "See? You're gonna be just fine, look you're doing it!"....BUT i will be the first to say that i take no credit in this stuff...i just squeeze my eyes shut (so to speak) and hold on tight! I'm VERY proud of my little man, he's doing amazing and he's growing in every way and i'm enjoying every minute of it! Today was another milestone in my parenting journey...my first parent/teacher interview!!! Yikes, now there's a scary thought...every time my parents came from one of those there was always one constant thing to report. "Melissa is doing good, but she would do better if she would STOP talking so much"...so this is what i was half expecting for Corban, but his teacher was very happy to report that he is doing great and constantly improving his printing and coloring skills and he's a good listener (he should bring that skill home with him) and very kind and loving to the other kids. There, i did it...i may have shed a tear or two on the way (good thing it was out in Seven Persons)...I just always looked forward to having Colin by my side for these types of things, i'm still getting used to doing this stuff on my own.

It brings me to this thought that i just can't get out of my head today...me, and what i am going through is just one teenie tiny speck in what God does...When i look around at the many people i come into contact throughout my days, i can't help but wonder what they are going through and what they're story is. God is SO BIG...i am SO small but that's why it's such a comfortable fit, i'm glad i'm not big, i'd rather trust the One who created it all, and all of us, to be in control cuz He's the expert, not me, i'm just trusting Him for each day...making sure i can be the best friend and sister and daughter and most importantly Mommy that i can possibly be, and by doing that i wanna be as teachable as i can...i don't have the slightest clue how to do this, but i do know God does, i'm just so glad i can rest in that!

I was reminded today that i had dreamed of winning this battle with cancer and that Colin and I would come out together, strong and completely changed. I guess it kinda happened but i pictured that the way we would celebrate was to renew our wedding vows...i've always wanted to do that, always seen it in the movies. On my drives to and from Calgary amongst other things, i would think of how we would plan it, who would be there, and what love songs we would dance the night away too. I even planned on a song that i would sing to Colin, if i could ever do it without bawling my eyes out...maybe i'll think of something cool to do for Colin's 30th Birthday...He would have been 30 this coming January, and a friend gave me this cool idea of celebrating Colin on his birthday...stay tuned for those plans!

My heart is so heavy for another family who has been affected by cancer and devastated by it's effects, I haven't asked permission to mention any names, but to think of another family going through what we have gone through brings everything back so fresh...I think i was in so much shock when i was going through it with Colin that i didn't have time to stop and really process what all had happened and what we were really doing in those last moments...now, knowing that another family has to do the same brings me right back to the gravity of it all...the intense loss we all experienced. My prayers are with these families tonight! May His everlasting peace comfort and guide you!
We are but one of so many but how perfect God's plan for each of us no matter how lost or small we may feel! I think there is such intense raw beauty in each of our story, how God has raised us on top of mountains and walked with or carried us through those extreme valleys...I keep Job in the forefront of my mind, when i start to feel sorry for myself. Job just kept going through all of the loss and pain and devastation, he kept praising God and trusting His master plan, that's my prayer, that i can be more like Job!
I need to say thank you, again, for being the one's whom i can come and talk too and share my journey through this unknown with...you have brought so much comfort and there has been so much healing done by being able to share my story!
Love, Melissa

Oh How Quickly I forgot! ON PURPOSE!!!

2010-09-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the lack of blogging lately, but my little Keegan has decided he is not going to wear diapers any longer and he is going to pee on the potty like his big brother! Oh wow, if only it were just that simple! I knew from the moment Keegan was born he wasn't going to be the breeze of a child that Corban has been...nope, our little Keegie Bear is a stinker, and potty training has been no exception to that rule! I am 2.5 days into potty training (something i was purposely putting off) and he's starting to show signs of progress but it's slow going...i'm glad i feel like i have my barings, cuz although it's busy cleaning up after him and adjusting to getting him to sit on the potty all the time, it's ok, maybe just a tad busier than we were...there's something with the second child that seems to just "be", than with the first, we were all nervous with every new chapter in his life, with Keegan, i feel comfortable and confident, which is good right now! It sure brings it all back from Corban's potty training days, and in the same breath, how quickly we forget(how i can't wait to forget again!!!) So, wish me luck, or more effectively, maybe just whisper a prayer that we get this soon!

Alot of people were asking about the book i am starting for our women's bible study and it's a book called, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge also author's of a book for men called, "Wild At Heart". I have already reread the first chapter because i have enjoyed it so much the first time through and i can't wait for this semester, and beyond for where God will take me through this book! Very Excited!
This past week has been quite quiet, i purposely planned it that way...it's been good and i've seen the boys actually begin to play, without needing me to intervene so much! It's refreshing to just sit back and watch for a change and just see how they play on their own, for a few moments anyway...we'll get there, i know these stages of our boys are busy, but i only get one chance, so i'm doing my best to make the absolute best of it, i don't want to regret a single minute!

Corban is standing beside me waiting so patiently for me to come play, so i need to practice what i'm typing here and get going...we have a busy afternoon of playing with Colby and Myla (my niece and nephew) and visiting with Andy and Nat...it's been good to have them come for a visit, i miss them like crazy since we've all settled back into our "own" routines again, there's so much comfort in having them come, because they had such a huge impact on getting us through Colin's journey!

Not much else to report, Corban's skating lessons are starting up in October and our first little parent teacher interviews are this next week...i'm sure i'll have stories so stay tuned! i'll keep ya posted on Keegan's potty training adventures as well, again, lots more stories so just you wait!
Have a Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

oh SO Good!

2010-09-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i have declared Wednesdays as the new highlight of my week! We have an amazing group of women who meet at Hillcrest Church on Wednesday mornings, and spilt off into different study groups. Usually, i have signed up for either a marriage study, or a parenting study...BUT this time as i was going to sign up for another parenting study, I felt God kind of "shuv" me down the end of the sign up table where there was a book totally and completely for me. At first, i kinda felt a little guilty to sign up for something that would benefit no one else but me...But God is making me realize that it's ok to focus on myself and there is a healing that is happening by taking some time to rebuilt who i am, and who God want me to be and what His plans are.
Have you ever had that weird but so cool thing that happens when you read something or someone speaks and it's like they are words that are solely for you? This book even just through the introduction and first chapter have done exactly that...man oh man, i was fighting back the tears of relief that something/someone out there knows exactly what is in my heart right now...it digs deep and i am SO excited for what God has in store for me through this book! A dear friend who was leading the study felt God had a need for me to be in this study, but she said not a word, and then God placed me right where i needed to be, isn't that cool?! God is SO real in those little things, my life is filled with those little touches/fingerprints of God and it makes me smile and also keeps me believing that i can keep stepping one foot in front of the other!
The boys are doing good, too, our routine of school and playing and just spending time together is going good...gotta be honest, sometimes they both drive me absolutey CRAZY with how much they love to love each other one minute and the next they are fighting like cats and dogs! Corban has this soft spirit of wanting to help me, with keegan, with dishes, with cooking...i have to remember that although it's WAY more work to let him help, he needs to do that, too, so i love it! Little Keegan is our stinker, the minute i turn my back, he heads right into anything that he's not supposed to be doing...keeps me on my toes!
It's honestly odd to say this, like i feel a little guilty, BUT life is good...God is blessing us, and although i'm kinda used to holding my breath a little when i say out loud that life is good...i have to just take this day and enjoy it...because we just never know tomorrow, nor do i need to be worried about tomorrow, God is carrying us and i trust He's going to carry us through ANYTHING, just like He already has...each time i felt like our life was good and back to normal, something "else" happened with Colin's health, so it's this trigger that goes off in me, a habit of having what happened, happen. GOD is a good God, and we were still able to smile and laugh through all of that darkness and sorrow, i still was able to make Colin's hospital room as homey as i could...we would have all the nurses checking in with us on those really great TV premier nights and when a show got good, i would run down in commercials to give an update at the desk! It's the little things in life...the simple love of others being around us, just enjoying people and loving them with our whole hearts! We have had the honor to meet so many people we would've normally not met this past year, and our lives are so much richer and full because of that! So, THANK YOU, for enriching my life and helping us smile and easing the stress of life, you have no idea how much you have impacted us! I say "us" meaning Colin, too, because i know how much he appreciated people taking the time to stop him and talk about what he was going through, there was nothing he loved more than just hangin' out with other people and getting to know them~ I miss him like crazy, but there still is so much to be thankful for...Keegan is up from his nap and i'm thinking the boys are going to help me make supper...yikes, but it should be fun!
Love, Melissa

Could it be?!

2010-09-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Man, just when i thought my sleep patterns were getting back to normal, i start struggling to fall asleep again...and when i can't fall asleep, i come down and write on the blog! What a week this one has been...in a good way! Corban seems to be settling in at school, and Keegan and I are having a good time together maning the rest of things around home! Well, between groceries and playdates and running a bunch of other errands, home hasn't been on the top of the places we've spent a lot of time this week. So today, on this nice and cozy Saturday, we spent the day at home...aside from a great run/stroller/bike ride (i'm sure you'd be able to fill in the blanks on who was doing what!)we enjoyed some fresh air with Nana and Papa and then just did our thing at home...perfect! I feel like the feeling of wanting to sleep forever and ever is finally lifting and i can be productive in my days...and by the end, although i'm exhausted, i feel like i've done something! It feels good. I'm feeling WAY better about how i am as a parent as well...there's something they fail to mention when you lose a spouse/co-parent...that while you, yourself have to grieve and find a way to keep going, you also are responsible for getting your kids through the same tramatic ordeal. BUT WAIT...i've never done this before, so how am i supposed to do that?! Good thing i have a God who has been carrying us, but i honestly have to admit, my mood swings have been all over the map...something else "they" failed to mention can happen...and after seeing my Doctor, i'm discovering that this kind of thing is normal with this kind of stress...i sure don't ever want those moods to be normal for me...it's hard enough just being a parent and wanting to be a good parent cuz my kids deserve that from me, but i'm not proud of how short my fuze was in those first few weeks or months...it's getting better...i'm feeling like myself again, at least as a parent and it's been a lot longer than Colin's passing since i've felt that way, so i pray it's safe to say i'm headed in a good direction! I have to tell you the cutest story, because, honestly more than anything i miss having someone to "tell" those cute stories to at the end of each day...i used to keep a little note pad for things to tell Colin when he would get home from work (my memory is awful, and i didn't want to forget all their cuteness) it still stings when the supper table is set and only 3 of us are eating...still more adjustments to be made, but i'll tell you the cute story that happened at bedtime tonite. I was putting the boys to bed, after reading stories in Corban's bed all three of us said our prayers, and tonite, it so happened that literally, all 3 of us prayed our different prayers at the exact same time! oh man, only God knows what we actually said, keegan is even praying his "me prays", mommy?! haha...so after tucking Corban into bed and giving hugs and kisses me and keegan went to the door, but keegan ran back to Corban and they had to hug and kiss and it was the sweetest thing, because they missed the first time and giggled until they both fell over and then on the second kiss they smacked their lips so loud the giggling just continued...precious moments. Moments which have been so overlooked through the initial parts of my grief, i am SO grateful that i am able to see those moments and truly appreciate them...our little family, just the 3 of us. It's not looking so lonely or scary to me anymore...my boys are so full of life and energy and they are raw with emotion and feelings and i love that...i love that i'm excited to see each new day...thoughts still flitter by throughout my days when there still is a sting in my heart, but only for a moment...Praise God...they truly do mean it when they say it does get easier and "this too shall pass", it's been my motto since Colin was diagnosed, and before when we were apart for 3 months of his police training...now, i don't want to wish away each day, i want to live it, and enjoy every minute of it...it's all Colin and i wanted to do, every moment we had with our little family, was enjoy every ounce of precious time we had, so i'm gonna keep doing just that!
p.s. About 2.5 months ago, i really didn't believe that anyone could "heal" from someone they loved most in this world being torn away from it, but God had this funny way of putting just enough in front of me to not get overwhelmly broken and in those beginning days He kept me aware long enough each day to see the gigantic blessings of provision and comfort and the kindness of others...and TIME...God's timing and just the blessing of time in general...God can heal, ALL WOUNDS, ALL HURTS, ALL those STRESSES...I have nothing but Praise in my heart, and it feels good to know beyond anything else, that God is with me, taking care of me and my boys...healing me and my boys! When we were desperately praying for Colin's healing and for our miracle of his healing, i wasn't fully aware how God would use those prayers for healing, and extend them far beyond just Colin, but also to all of those who knew and loved him...and to all of you who walked and are still walking this road with us!

2010-09-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much i love to sing! Ok, you're probably thinkin', "huh?" but i've grown up in the church singing my heart out...my whole life I feel like God put oppertunities to share throuh song, in my path with school, grads and stuff and programs through choir and music at our church, I felt like God entrusted me with a gift and i always just loved to sing! In the van, at home, in the backyard, now with my kids. Only now i feel like it's ok to sing again. Obviously God used this period in my life to teach me a set of completely different lessons and i am so grateful He did. This period of crisis taught me to LISTEN...around every corner, or every turn of events, there were so many things we just did not know. How treatments were going to go, how quickly Colin would recover, who was going to help us care for the boys and how we were going to make it all work. I learned very early on, with my wanting to figure it all out fast kind of nature, God was forcing me to sit and LISTEN and WAIT on Him to work it all out and make it all happen. HIS plan was what was important...not the plan i worked out perfectly in my head for how i thought things were supposed to go. By beginning to learn this hard lesson, i also felt like i just couldn't open up to singing in anywhere more public than alone, in my car on the trips to and from Calgary. I never lost my love to sing, but my singing was my pleading prayers to God through worshiping in my car. If i was headed to Calgary, i would plead for God to keep the boys safe and to bless those who were caring for them...to get my head in the game to being a cargiver to my husband....then on the way back home, if Colin wasn't able to be with me, i would plead for God to keep Colin and heal him from this aweful disaster of a situation which was our life at that point. Singing is such a personal part of how i'm able to share my heart, but i was really trying to soak in the lessons of listening and hearing where God was wanting to use us through it all. Even if we were able to be at church, i just couldn't actually make an audible tune...i was silenced by actually listening to the words of those songs, the one's you grow up singing week after week...they lose their meaning..but i was learning to love the meaning of those songs, and God was showing me how beautiful music can be, if we quiet ourselves long enough to listen. Along with loving to sing, i'm finding it in me once again to praise...Praise is a powerful thing, it has this amazing way of bringing healing and release to my exhausted soul...it empowers me that through Christ, i can keep running, i am able to keep going because this life hasn't stopped for us. God has something, and i'm slowly realizing that it's ok to want or believe that God is going to bring good, and He already has, but that we can thrive and grow and be excited that God has not forgotten about us here! His plans for Colin have been carried out...but there are still plans in the works for us here, and i'm learning that it's ok to be excited for that...ok, i admit that again, my picture is probably WAY off of what God will actually bring about, and that scares me a little, having gone through the past year..BUT...God is a good God, and i have to TRUST that HE is guiding me....HE hasn't steered me wrong yet...i have no reason NOT to trust HIM..so i'm jumping in and holding on for dear life for what's next!

The song by Christy Nokels, "Healing is in Your Hands" says;
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know, can keep us from Your love
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough, to keep us from Your love
How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your Hands
How Deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand, Healing is in Your Hands
Our present, our future, our past is in Your hands, we're covered by Your Blood
In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerors, we're covered by Your Blood!
These rich words, are words that have brought me such healing and promise and passion to keep seeking and keep drawing on a God who has vowed to love and protect me since time began! I pray that these words, no matter where you are in life, can give you that same rich meaning and promise, and that you can find praise and healing wherever you are!
Sweet Dreams!
Luv, Melissa

Again, I'm Speechless!

2010-09-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

Did you know that although being a small city, Medicine Hat is the most incredible little city i could have ever dreamed possible?! I say this not for it's amazing topography or the breathtaking views..(catch the sarcasm), but for the most amazing people who reside here! Today the Medicine Hat Police Association hosted a fundraiser BBQ and garage sale in hopes to help with our boy's future educations! I have already seen such blessings from all of our extended family at the Medicine Hat Police Service, and again, i am found speechless at how blessed we have been through these people who again and again go above and beyond! From the minute Colin was hired to be a policeman in this city, he was so very honoured to be apart of these men and woman who work so hard to keep us safe! I can say so very honestly that Colin is smiling SO hugely, with tears streaming down his face (from where he is in Heaven) again, SO proud to have been apart of this community and this local Police family! I am also so very honoured to be apart of this extended police family, even now that Colin is gone, you have taken such GREAT loving care of me and my boys, and we are so very thankful for you all!
To those friends and family and people from the community who came out and donated garage sale items to support us on this day, again, i say that i am so richly blessed to be apart of such a kind and generous city of people who surround and support each other through time of crisis and need! I pray God's Richest Blessings over each one of you, I don't know you all, but God does! A big Thank you to our neighbours who is also apart of our Police family, who donated all the HUMONGOUS bouncy castles for all the kids to play on (Bounce of Fun, i believe the name is)....speaking on behalf of my own two boys, they were sweaty and red faced and i couldn't wipe their smiles away if i wanted too! There are just no words to properly thank each one of you who has taken time out of this day and days leading up to today to help out! God is good, Thank you for allowing HIM to use YOU to bless our boys!
Loving each one of you!
Melissa (and Corban and Keegan)

Tidbits of Strength...

2010-09-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Our first real week of this "school" thing is almost done and i'm thinking we can get the hang of it for sure! Corban has done well, a few tears today but he said his teacher cheered him up! What a blessing to have good teachers to care for our beloved little ones!
i'm really lovin' this cozy day, it's been a busy one, Keegan and i have been all over visiting friends and getting stuff crossed off my list! He's my BIG helper! We're having a lot of fun reading TONS of books, too, it's bringing it all back from what i used to do with Corban...reading the same one's over and over and over...need i say more?! haha it's funny how fast you forget just having one child when #2 hits the ground running! haha
i'm thankful...God's presence is continually showing me where to step and how to get through this...AND that i can stand on my own two feet and do this!...i'm seeing HIS encouragement in the kid's bible stories, where before i was just reading words to my kids, it's like God is speaking to me in more than just my quiet times, and i love how safe that makes us! I pray my boys feel that same peace, and safety that is surrounding us! I feel like a kid looking back at their parents yelling, "look at me, Daddy! i'm really doing it!" Not me, per say, but God is going before me each day, and at times, i can even tell that He's set me down to walk on my own beside Him for a time...carrying is still in the order, but He's showing me that i can walk with HIM and that i will weather this storm and come out stronger through Christ for having walked it! Sometimes i can feel a little of that strength and other times, there's not an ounce in me and i'm begging God for any little bit HE can spare...one day at a time...and tonite, my blanket, hot cup of tea and the fireplace upstairs is calling my name...need to go relax and watch some good shows!
Love, Melissa

Just Keep Swimming...

2010-09-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Corban:
You went to school today! Your first day of kindergarten! My heart is broken but so full of joy. You have begun a process of growth and learning, an adventure to fin who you are and who God is dreaming you to become! God has such BIG plans for you, my boy! Such a gentle and loving spirited little man. I want you to know that today and each day forward i could not be more proud and in love with you! I pray that as the days, months and years pass you will be open to our God and HIS purpose in your life! I promise you, that not a day will go by that you will not know the love your Daddy had for you but also the intense love that your Father in Heaven has for you! How proud they both are of you, in this moment, and in the many moments to come! May you always know the love of your Heavenly Father who hurts with you, cries for you and heals your broken heart as many times as needed! HE longs to love you more than any earthly daddy could be capable of loving...I'd say you're a pretty blessed little boy to know and experience that kind of love! Keegan and I will miss you so much when you're gone, but we will be praying down the minutes till we see you after school! You'll be ok, and when you're not, i'll be here to hold you and we'll pray your tears away! What a BIG boy you are and what an indescribable JOY you have brought to my life! I love you beyond words! Be Blessed today, your first day of school!
Love, Your Mommy

Ps. I write this as Corban is fast asleep, exhausted from a fun and full day at school! What fun he had, and such great stories he told me about hunting for pictures of animals and having 3 recesses! We finished the day with a bike ride after supper and he was singing little songs from his music class...He told Keegan he was too tired from school to play ball with him...a few minutes later they were wrestling on the floor:) God is GOOD! We ALL had a good day, it was quiet for me and keegan but we dove into a TON of books and he was mommy's little helper all day! His nap was the first quiet time thru the day i've had in over 2.5 years~never realized how much i loved that mid-day bit of down time! Nothing like i imagined the first day of school of my little man....i whispered a number of times in the van on the way to the school how much i missed Colin and how our plans to face this day together didn't get to be played out, but he was there, I believe he had a little bird's eye view of his little social butterfly having a great first day!
Onto planning for Thursday...Corban's schedule is Tues, Thurs and Friday's so we'll see how the rest of the week plays out...tonite, i know he'll sleep good! So will I! i'm glad that this day is under our belts...."just keep swimming" is chiming thru my head...lol....I remembered to breathe, you'd be proud of me, a lot of deep breaths, Keegan was even echoing my breaths...pretty cute!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Getting into a Good Groove...

2010-09-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

A verse that has been on my heart and in my mind today has been one out of James (a personal favorite of mine to read), chapter 1 verse 2-4: "Consider it pure JOY, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
Again i am reminded how much our lives have been changed forever by the course of events over the last year and a bit now....it was 2 whole months, yesturday, that Colin has been gone....i don't even know what to say to respond to that time. What i can tell you is that we are feeling so safe and cozy and settled in our new home, which was the best decision God layed out for me and the boys to have a fresh start. I keep looking around still in awe that we got the house of our dreams, Colin would be just over the moon excited about this house if he were here. Me and the boys are establishing our little family unit again, and i feel so good about the progress we've been making. Obviously life has been pretty quiet, just catching up with friends and having lots of playdates to keep busy...but the past few days, for the first time since Colin's been gone, i feel like i'm safe enough to stay home...not having to be so busy all the time. I feel the beginning of healing and restoration taking place, and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, my heart hurts, but i know God is hurting with me, and He's also the One carrying me through that hurt to have some good happy heart times too! I've never heard anywhere that this life we live won't bring us trials or tough times, but i do know that God has already overcome this world, so we can find our hope in those promises! Today, i've already cleaned the bathrooms, planned out Corban's lunch, i have his backpack all packed up and ready to go, and we've already planned breakfast in the morning, too! We are as ready as we'll ever be for this day. Boy, everything i envisioned for this moment is so backwards...Colin and i were just trying to get him to be there for this day, but God had other plans, and we have to be ok with that. I may not like it, but i'm ok with it, because we had bigger prayers of healing that needed to be addressed and i guess God knew and trusted me alone, to handle this momentous occasion in our son's life. I can honestly tell you i am so completely excited for him to start school, to watch him learn and grow and make friends...he deserves this time to learn! I am also so grateful to have some "catch up" time with Keegan...i feel like i completely missed out on his little life from age 1 until 2, so now for tomorrow when we get back home from getting Corban off to school, i am planning on getting the biggest stack of books and just sitting on the couch with my littlest man, and catching up on all the reading i missed out on! I know, i don't have to do it all in one day, i'm sure we won't get very far, but he loves to read, and i want to honor that and be with him to read those books, like mommy's do! I am being a mommy, exactly what i've wanted to do and to be my whole life, and i'm so excited that we are falling into this groove of the 3 of us that feels so simple and perfect and normal. Our normal, and i'm determined to make it the best normal life for my two little men! I just never thought this transition would come, it was always far off, and now it's tomorrow....i'm praying like crazy it all goes ok...don't worry i'll be updating you on how we make out tomorrow! Just Breathe...right?! oh ya, i actually need to do it, and not just write it;)
love, Melissa

Candid Thoughts

2010-09-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how fast this week has flown by! Here i think i have an entire week to prepare for Corban's first day of school and it's fast approaching! I have heard so many mom's being in that same place over the last few weeks and to all of you moms out there who have sent your babies off to school or high school or college, i admire your strength and courage, and pray i have the same when the day comes. There's comfort in knowing we are not alone and that so many mommy's have walked this path and are there to offer all sorts of wisdom and advice!
I am quickly learning the power that stress has on the human body....something that you can't see, only feel the effects of, kinda like God's Spirit and His power, but totally negative;) I guess the adrenaline and fast-paced life of Colin's last few months is now finally catching up....whoa, headaches have been my body's way of showing stress, which was good cuz i can push through a headache but the last 5 days of a bad headache slowly turned into a migraine which was like none i've ever had so far! Today, i'm am SO thankful that i am pain-free from that nasty headache! We've been out to the park and had a picnic on the driveway when we came home, and the best part is that the boys are having a "good, well-behaved" day, well, so far...i won't say an entire day until i see it happen. lol!
Sadly, i am coming to realize that my days of having that one or two or maybe three cups of AMAZING coffee in the morning, are dwindling...over the past year, i have become quite attatched to my coffee's each day, they were the only constant routine item in our whirlwind life....and i often wondered when my body would say, enough coffee for a bit....it's easy to stop drinking it when the instant i drink it, my stomach starts a small wildfire! Not sure what to do with that one, but i've written it on my "to ask" at the Doc when i go...ok, so enough information, i have been pretty candid, so i'm gonna stop now....I don't want this to sound like i'm complaining, no wait, let me reread it first....
ok so i just read it thru and it's all here, real and in truth with how we're living right now, so no need to change it...
whoa, my journal is laying open on the desk in front of me and i just read a portion of Ps 23: "Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me". Just like that tears freely flow cuz this portion of Gods word was what Colin constantly repeated the night before he passed away...for me the meaning of this verse is just how God takes us to the mountain by routing us thru the valley ~ He guides us right into His presence and for Colin, he was guided right into heaven's gates to be home with Jesus! The power of God to take any ounce of fear away from him....it was inspiring to be apart of that, and see God so alive in those moments. Since then i see God's power to take away my fear, to ease our pain, and to erase my worries. I am reminded again to "just breathe" God is gonna take us through the rest and handle the details along the way. I sure hope my mountain comes....I can only imagine what an amazing mountain top Colin is on....we miss you sweetie...our thoughts are consumed by the amazing example of Christ you were, and how you loved so fully and so deeply, we are SO very blessed to have been on the recieving end of that love!
Love, Melissa

Keegan's Thoughts...

2010-08-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am reminded yet again how, at such a young age, my little Keegan has such a profound understanding of our situation. I had to wash his bedding so i switched his pillow case to one of his Daddy's favorite t-shirts (it's Corban's thing, he has to have a t-shirt for a pillow case, just something Colin thought about and wanted them to do to remember him and feel close to him) anyhoo, Keegan sits up just before going to sleep and through his jumbled "just learning" little words, points to the t-shirt and says Daddy?! If you can picture the cutest perflexed look on a 2 year old's face, and then he proceeds to tell me about Daddy being gone, and points to different parts of his face and tells me about Daddy's owies and that he was sick! Then he squeezes his face together and says "cry", mommy, daddy, cry?! WOW...all of this almost 2 whole months after Colin's passing! So i then tried to simply explain that Daddy is not sick anymore, that he's all better in heaven playing with Jesus. But that we will all miss him very much. Needless to say i kinda lost him, but he nodded anyway, probably just to make me feel better. I need to give him more credit with the amount of information he retains these days, he's not a little baby anymore, he my big boy.
So on the coldest day of the week, tonite me and the boys went on a bike ride to Nana and Papa's house and picked them up and we all went for a great little bike ride all around the trails in our neighbourhood...just before getting to the turn where we go up to our new house, Corban wants to take the alley way instead so we had to keep going straight instead of making the turn...Keegan starts to cry and yell, "home, home", because he thinks we're not headed home! aww, again just another example of both how much he know without me really being aware of it, and just how much me and my boys feel home and settled in our new house! God is SO good, and amisdt of our daily reminders that it's just the three of us now, this move and this new routine that we're settling into is good, it's healing, so far i haven't been able to really consciously feel like there is any "healing" taking place. BUT it is, whether i'm aware of it or not, it is and we are just trying to keep our heads up and enjoy each other and our families and friends, and oh what amazing friends and family that are around us! I am still so constantly being reminded that although Colin isn't here, our friends are still so generously taking care of me and the boys, keeping us busy with playdates and suppers and just hangin' out! We have SO much to be SO thankful for!
Corban still has this week off and come next Tuesday, Sept. 7th, he's gonna be a big school boy! I'm secretly glad we still have this week for me to prepare, he's so pumped, but i'm a big ball of nerves, which with every worry, i'm praying them to God to take care of, He's taken care of everything so far, so i'm just gonna keep going with a really great thing!
ok, i'm gonna go muster up some energy to be productive of some kind this evening! Keep warm!
Night!
Luv, Melissa

Sunday Treats!

2010-08-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, your comments are too kind! I love sitting at the computer and scrolling to my blog and reading your encouraging words, cuz it makes me smile....Thank You!
Guess What!??! Today was Sunday #2 that i was able to actually sit in a pew in church and be a sponge to soak up God's word and comfort! YEAY...Most of our summer and well, the past year, has been getting the boys in to their respective Sunday school classes and making sure they are comfortable to stay...usually with me hovering around close by...which is my number 1 priority, but it has been extra special for me to be able to get some time to go into my own "sunday school" and get filled up a bit too....it's been too long and i feel so blessed that me and my boys are settling back into our Sunday Church routine!
i'm sitting here looking at Keegan, his face full of crusted on icing from his Timbits we got after church...that was our thing....every Sunday for a treat after church, Colin and i would take the boys on a Tim's date and get a coffee and Tim Bits to enjoy...i want to keep that little "treat" for me and the boys! Especially on a rainy day like today, what's better than a hot coffee and quiet boys because they are enjoying their "mini donuts" as Corban calls them!
Each day music is a big part of our being at home life...but lately, Corban is not able to listen to anything but up beat tunes....he cries every time he hears a slower song or a worship song...he says he misses daddy...poor lil guy...but i guess i'm just trying to be sensitive to him and we have a good cry and a good talk, so it brings out more communication which i'm grateful for. AND our little Keegie, boy he's gonna be a worshipper, that one! All he wants to do is sit at the computer and sing or "shin" as he calls it....man i have the cutest kids in the world...i guess i'm biased! lol. Well the past few days have been quiet and i love it, last night i actually sat and watched a movie again....i can't even remember the last time i did that! Just getting back to the basics and keepin' life pretty simple, that's been the best thing so far!
ok, i need to go get lunch ready...happy cozy Sunday!
love, Melissa

Sometimes Hard to Read...

2010-08-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Whoa! I have to apologize, that last entry was a little rambled and jumbled together. It must be hard to read my scattered thoughts on this blog...makes me realize what amazing people i have in my life to even take the time out to read my thoughts and experiences at all! So, THANK YOU!

Gettin' Back To Business...

2010-08-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

I need to be quick, cuz i just refilled my coffee and i told the boys i would be right back down. They are riding their scooters in the basement, honestly, we've been having so much fun. I finally feel like my boys are back and i have a little bit of me back too, we've all been talking lots and just enjoying each other. Is it just me or did this week fly by? We have been enjoying bike riding and playing at the park this week and just doing a whole lot of nothing....I'm finding it so incredibly refreshing to be a friend again. To whisper more than breath prayers for my friends and family is the most amazing thing. I've had so many people invest their prayers and time and efforts and energy into Colin, the boys and myself over the last year and now...I am finally able to start investing in my friends and really pray not just little prayers when i say i'm going to pray. It feels so good! Being able to have suppers with friends and family and just enjoy the moments fully and completely! Speaking of which, i think we're going to go for a Booster Juice field trip, a date morning with my boys! FUN!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

Night Lights and BIG Dreams...

2010-08-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Man, sleep just isn't coming for me tonite. I keep closing my eyes and having falshbacks to Colin's last hours before he passed away. The last night i spend rushing around at all hours of the night tending to his every needs...giving him injections of pain meds and anti-anxiety stuff to help keep him as comfortable as possible. I'm having a tough time even envisioning how that was me...how was i able to function efficiently when i felt like everyone around me needed something from me...well, i'm actually not quite sure how effective i was, i'll let family and friends decide that for me, but if it wasn't for the beautiful calming Grace of God, i wouldn't have survive it.
As me and the boys were in our van driving today, i was thinking, in the 7 short but so wonderful years Colin and I were married, i'm pretty sure all my dreams came true. I know you're thinking, "such a cliche". Honestly, for as long as i can remember, all i dreamed of was getting out of school, meeting my perfect God-sent husband, who God absolutely delivered and blew me away with Colin! AND getting married and having a family. In my mind, true success and riches was emcompassed in this very simple but so beautiful picture...All i ever wanted to do when i grew up was to be a wife and a mommy, and God granted me all of my dreams. In another breath, i'm left in this weird nothingness...trying to be a fully function parent, and honestly making it my goal in each day not to be so impatient with my boys. Mentally making the choice to smile and find the good that God has blessed us with in each moment. But now my new reality is that i have to start back at the beginning with my dreams....i don't even know what that really means, i'm just trying to figure out who my boys are after all of this, not to mention that i don't really even know who i am anymore! I mean, i know who i am in Christ, and i guess that's all i need to worry about but i know that God desires us to dream BIG dreams and i pray i'll someday feel like i can start to dream again! The day of the funeral, when i was ready to leave and everyone had already gone home, this friend of our family's came to me and hugged me, and she told me she was excited to see what God has in the days ahead, what He has for my future. I keep forgetting that i'm still here to have the future....and it's ok for me to pray that God will bless the future that me and my boys have ahead of us.
I bought myself a night light today...everyone has a crutch, and for my whole life mine has been that i don't like being in the dark alone. When Colin and I got married to remember telling him that i was so excited to be able to go to bed every night for the rest of my life not having to be alone in the dark anymore. Lately with my not sleeping very well, the dark is so deafening and i find myself anxiously awaiting my late night wake ups, having to turn on a light to get myself back to sleep again....so now, i'm proud to say, me and the boys have great night lights in all our rooms, albeit the boys have cooler one's than mine, but if we can all sleep a little more peacefully, what's the harm?! I'm sure not afraid to share my fear, i've shared so much with you all already, you might as well know everything!
ok, now to go up and try it out, hopefully this will be the start of more dreams being born....or maybe someday soon!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Long Overdue Good Days!

2010-08-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Wow...i just finished cutting the huggest, juiciest red onion! I'm still crying from it, so forgive me if i make some typo's more so than usual:)
Well, we have been kinda long overdue on having a stretch of good days, and i'm so very thankful to report we are on day #2 of some REALLY good days! Quiet, has been the common theme, no one around just kinda doing our own thing...i've made it my priority to try to spend as much quality and quantity time with Corban, alongside Keegna, haha! It has been a blast! I've notice an immediate change in Corban as well, for the good. Your comments and advice on kids trying to depict their emotions whatever they may be was SO helpful and i so much appreciate and FEEL your prayers with my boys! I'm glad we are havin some good times, the momentum keeps us floating in the tough ones! i've been catching up with a lot of my friends that i haven't been able to spend time with throughout this past year....i'm enjoying being a friend again and hearing and investing in my beauitful friends, since they have spent so much of their time investing in us lately!
I'm entering into this extreme tired phase, or something, i just can't get energy for a whole lot lately, i mean, i'm trying my best with the boys and i'm running around but it takes every fibre in me to keep that pace the whole day till bedtimes! It would help tremendously if i could get some quality sleeping time in, but i think that might be asking for too much right now! I don't want to complain, just kinda checking off on the list of things that are so called "normal" through this process. Normal, such an overrated word, and really i've found it means pretty much nothing...each of us are so unique and our situations are so different, i hate being placed into a box of normal, it's too easy! Whoa, sorry. Just venting my "normal" frustrations:) i'm done now!
Tonight the boys are going to spend some time with my parents while i go hang out with some of our best friends for fondue! I can't wait, should be a good time! I am still trying to get used to the fact that i'm on my own for our "couple" hang out times, but having these people in my life and being supported by them is non-negotiable for me, so they are stuck with "Missy" whether they like it or not! haha
Anyhoo, gotta go have a mean game of Mario Kart with Corban on the Wii!
Talk Soon!
Luv, Melissa

Fork in the Road...

2010-08-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

Waking up to no Reverse Osmosis water coming out of the tap this morning as i tried to make my coffee, then rushing downstairs with that sinking feeling, and sure enough stepping onto the basement floor with water puddling through my toes, was not such a relaxing start! It was well after 1030am that i had the kids fed and watered and the "water" situation in the basement all cleaned up. Thanks to my Dad always being, "just a phone call away", we had the plumber called and the problem fixed within the hour. My mom came with the shop vac and together we cleaned up and cleared out the "wet" areas and put the fans on to air everything out. Did you know that this was the first time i've ever had a problem like that?! Even with Colin being around, we had never had anything like that happen to us. What a blessing. As i went around with teh vacuum hose sucking up all the water, i wondered how much "more" was going to happen?! I'm not even going to go there...Breathe, and i did, and it was ok...after we all got dressed and ready and i finally got my great cup of coffee, i found myself at a crossroads to my day...good or bad, my choice, to be honest, that's a powerful choice, one which i wish i don't always have to decide....so, we did what anyone in my position would do. I turned up our favorite mix of music and me and the boys had a nice long fabulous DANCE PARTY! I remember reading somewhere, or maybe not, that dancing works off stress, and stress was the order of the day, so what a GREAT way to destress our morning! We were all laughing and smiling, although i had to choose to put my smile there, all i really felt like doing was going back to bed and laying in a puddle of my own tears, but as each song played, it got easier and i soon didn't have to try so hard anymore! God is GOOD!
"Sigh"..i am at my wits end for my dearest Corban though, i just don't know what it has been lately, but he is just a different kid...something that i've been before in him from time to time, just testing us out and seeing how consistent we still are on the rules....BUT each time in the past, Colin would take him and "talk" with him and it was like he somehow had this magical recipe for getting Corban to "come out" of whatever funk he was in....but now i don't have my sweet Colin to call on for back up, and i'm a little lost on what to do...just trying not to get aggrevated at some of the things he does or says is a battle in itself....i just hate having to do this, with his great big wound still oozing and fresh....i'm overwhelmed and so tired and i know that no one else but me can get him through this....just makes me see how long the road is ahead for our missing "daddy". This sucks...it just plain sucks and i hate living through this, but one thing i read in the first grief book i opened the other day was that God doesn't take away the pain of grief, He grieves with us, and cries with us, it's how God's love really works! "That's why every person who truly deeply share the pain of your grief with you is going God's work!" (Kenneth C. Haugk) How profoud of a statement! How comforting i feel with the blanket of God's love around me! Walking with God hasn't kept us from the pain of the process BUT it has opened us up to such a raw and unfailing, reckless abandon, kind of love....A God who has felt and hurt and been just as broken as we have been through this....HE KNOWS and I am trying not to lose sight that God has some sort of "something" good to bring out of this. Colin was SO precious, and such a rare gift for us all to have shared, but sometimes i forget that God has something for us, the one's who are left here to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess of the aftermath! Oh God, bring fruit from such intense pain, please, i beg of You to keep carrying me, and all of us who are walking this grief together!
By you who encourage, you are being used beyond your wildest dreams to bless me and keep me going through this time....i am FOREVER changed and thankful for your kindness and willingness to be used in that way!
Love, Melissa

Lonely Dayz..

2010-08-15T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I kinda feel more like things are getting back to a new normal. We are planning for school shopping for Corban this week and hopefully getting out to take a tour at the school sometime before he starts! Groceries, playdates...you know the normal "life" kind of stuff. It's lonely though...we went for brunch this morning after church and i keep noticing all these couples, not younger, but the one's who have been married for 20 something years....Now i have to start all over again, if i even make it that far....How heartbreaking in Corban's Sunday School class this morning when all the kids were saying that their Daddy's all have bibles and do fun things with them...Corban couldn't say that....not that he even showed it bothered him, but it bothered me to hear it and not hear the same excitment in Corban's voice. Colin was SUCH an incredible Daddy, something i just loved to sit back and watch him do, something we was born to be, a Daddy. I am just so sad today that we don't get to watch him be that "daddy" to our boys anymore. How do others get used to this loss? I sometimes have good days where i think, "ok, we're gonna go this, we're gonna be just fine", then i have overwhelming thoughts of, "we've only just begun, how are we ever gonna make it without him?". This cyclical emotional wave pattern that i am going through is really getting old. I am finding such comfort and peace in being in our new home, being settled and establishing the "3" of us now. I'm getting more and more comfortable with just being "us" on our own. God is good, even Keegan is starting to say his prayers now, i wish Colin could sit and listen to him try to pray with Corban and i now, it's the cutest thing in the whole world! I guess, in this season, Sundays are tough days right now, because Colin and i loved just being the 4 of us, and Sundays were just another perfect excuse to do that, have more family time, and it's just really lonely here without him to be with us on these comfy cozy Sundays....it's the silly little things that get me;) We'll be ok!
On to a new week with lots to do, our days are filling and it's good to stay at least a little busy right now! Ya know? I used to be this "homebody", where you couldn't pay me enough to be busy and running errands, being right in the center of my home and my family was where i wanted to be every second...now i'm finding i just can't do as much of that anymore...it hurts too much to be totally at home all the time, without the 5 o'clock Daddy's home time when he comes in the front door and we all catch up on our days, this fall i am dreading that the most...i completely love being a mommy to my boys, but it's just not the same without my other half, my "better" half! i find i just can't quite enjoy things in the same way i used too! I hope it gets back really really soon!
Luv,
Melissa
p.s. Sorry i'm a downer...kinda feel like more of the "fog" has been lifting lately...guess it's par for the course!

Glass: Half Empty & Half Full!

2010-08-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

Having coffee on the deck in the mornings used to be one of those things that Colin and i viewed as getting pretty close to heaven. I mean, just sitting on the loungers, watching the boys play while we talked about dreams and daily duties, we just felt so content and kinda like life couldn't get any better. Don't get me wrong, i still enjoy my coffee every morning, it is my staple of morning activites, but i find myself not really wanting to go out to the deck and have it by myself....it just isn't the same anymore. I pray someday i'll get back to being pretty near heavenly coffee breaks...but athought we have so many blessings around us, being without my sweetie pie is anything but heavenly. At the same time, GOD IS A GOOD GOD, and i'm really trying to enjoy my family and my boys...man, you guys have no idea how much my parents have done over the last month...they took me on their holidays, their time to relax and instead of relaxing, had exhausting adventures at the beach with me and the boys, and then after coming back spent that time helping me pack and move into our new home, then unpacking us and making sure that everything was finished for us to feel settled and at home...i am so thankful for them! There still are those pangs of pain that our loss is still so great....i feel like my thoughts are all mishmashed, and it's not all a constant down in the dumps life that we're living, just the last stretch of days have been hard...sleep or lack there of could have part in the blame. My sister in law, Nat, said i should find a good book and drown myself in some other fictional drama rather than be with my thoughts of our own situation, take a holiday from my mind....i think i'm gonna be on the hunt sooner than later! Time just doesn't stop, each day i wake up, with this sinking feeling like Corban's first day of school is just around the corner, and i have nothing done, and more importantly my mind just isn't able to get there, to be without Colin on this monumental occasion....i so despterately don't want to do it on my own. Especially because all Colin would talk about when planning for treatments was that it be his number one priority to be with Corban on his first day of school. We had it all planned out, i would go with him on the bus to the school, and Colin would follow in the van with Keegan and we would all be there together to hug him and say how very proud we are of him and wish a good first day in class. This is so not the way it should have been, it's not fair, but it's our reality and i can't change it, so i guess i type it out, share it, give it to GOD and plead for HIM to keep on carrying me, apparently i'm still not yet strong enough to stand walk beside HIM yet.
To be honest, on the brighter side of things, i feel like bedtimes and getting the kids settled for the night and having quiet evenings to myself are refreshing and nice right now...kinda the only oppertunity in my days to take some time out to have tea and just be "me" with "me". I can't remember the last time i was able to do just that...so it's not all bad, i am determined to find the "goods" to be thankful for....i know it'll get easier, i guess my impatience gets the best of me right now. Another thing i am extremely thankful for, is that we're settled in our new home before the fall and we can enjoy what's left of our summer together without distractions....i have no regrets in moving and making it a quicker move than some would've liked....it worked, and God was in every inch of it, and so i give Thanks to the ONE who rains those blessings down upon us! It feels so good to be taken care of and God is doing such a great job of prompting people to stop by or call or text or email me and support us...i Can't tell you how good it is to have this support system around us....such a safe place!
I should go, Corban and I have a date to watch CARS while Keegan is napping!
Love, Melissa

Can this Day End Already?!

2010-08-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ya know those days where you either wish you could just erase it and start all over again, or just completely bipass it altogether...yup, i'm havin' one of "those" days today. Started out with having to make a bunch of phone calls, which aparently gives the boys permission to do things they would normally never dream of getting away with...I had to go to the office to get a paper with a file number and i find Keegan on the floor in front of the fridge with my acidopholis pills trying to get them open to eat them really quickly while i wasn't looking. (Good thing it was only a few steps away!) Then the boys find it that perfect time to start fighting over a skipping rope that i forgot to put away, which they then pulled so tight each holding an end that it flung across the room when Corban let go, and of course, hit keegan along the way....those are just the tip of the ice berg for the morning. I don't even want to think about what they did while i tried to shower super fast! Wow...it was like my parenting didn't even make a dent today, i'm sure so many of you are smiling right now, thinking, "oh man, have i had those days"! At least we're not alone, right?!
Let's just say, i'm glad i'm at the end of this day and we're gonna try again tomorrow for another good day....today has been an "on the verge" day for me missing Colin, as well, which i'm positive didn't help the parenting situation....some of our best friends were doing their yard in sod tonite, a place where Colin and i would have been helping the instant we were given a time to show up...but i couldn't be there, i didn't have a "we" to give any help at all, and it made my heart break, for Colin's best friend, i can just imagine all the fun they would've had..doing the yard together, they always did have such great times together...just those random moments that make me miss him....i made this great recipe tonite for supper that Colin made in the weeks before his passing, he was so hungry and wanting to try new things to cook, and this one hit it out of the park! Don't know why i did that, with this day, didn't help the "missing him" aspect....when it rains it pours, i guess....i just hope the boys decide to have a better "listening" day tomorrow, not sure i'm cut out for another day like today! God knows, He's carrying this load, too, just some days are harder than others:)
I should go, my vanilla tea is done steeping...gonna go see what i can find on TV.
Luv, Melissa

Heavenly Home

2010-08-07T23:07:00.001-07:00

I used to be afraid, so afraid of death...when i was little, i remember having a bag packed with my most valuable items placed right by my bed, and i would plan my escape if anything would come in the night that would cause me or my family any harm. I don't think i've ever shared that with anyone before...honestly, i would pray every time i thought about it, "Jesus, please forgive my sins, please save me from death". I just had this fear of what death was, and what it meant. I would never be with my family again, never say i love you to my most dearest friends and people whom i love. I would never grow up and get married and have babies of my own...all i wanted was to get out of school and be an adult and find the man of my dreams and have him whisk me off into the sunset of forever and then life would REALLY begin! You wanna know what? It happened and my life kicked into high gear when it did. Everyone around us told us time would keep getting faster as we got older, but i never really thought it applied to me and Colin. Safe and so in love and happy in our little cacoon of our life together. We had so much fun....fun doing absolutely nothing, but we were best friends and we just so honestly enjoyed being with each other, it just never got old, car washes, groceries, trips to Totem for random things and popcorn for the kids...only this past year did i have to start going to get groceries on my own....up to this point in our married life we just always did it together, weird eh!? I'm so missing everything about our beautiful little life together....BUT i am forever changed on how i view death and dieing! Changed for the better...it still isn't really real for me to think of only weeks ago, an entire month actually....that i was beside my husband in bed while he passed away. Something that once terrified me to no end, was now this strange peaceful resting place to bring comfort, restoration and healing....healing for Colin is the best part...healing for me and our families and friends, now that's the part that isn't so fun. I pray God's protection in our grief, it's the most painful place i've ever had to be, and i thought the last year with all that we went through was the toughest, but nothing beats having to pick up these scattered pieces of life and try to put it back together with such a huge hole missing from the center of it. i think i'm still in shock that any of this at all has happened...just this aweful dream, ya know the one's where you wake up and think, "man, thank goodness that was just a dream!".
Then there are times like last night, where when my parents left in the early evening, Corban, Keegan and i had the most amazing time, cuddling on the couch which turned into a wrestling/tickling match...then we went to the basement and played hockey/soccer/basketball all within the course of an hour and then came back upstairs where we made popcorn and watched cartoons and then i put each of them to bed and felt truely blessed for these amazing gifts that i have been given, in the wake of what's happened, it just feels weird to feel blessed....like i can't really enjoy the good things in life because Colin's not here to make it that much better with us....BUT my kids don't desrve that...they need true happiness and Corban and i are learning to have "thankful..happy hearts" ALL the time...it's a lesson not just kids need to come back too! I have a thankful heart in these early morning hours, because i have a hope that proceeds this life, and i don't ever have to fear death, for when it comes, my home will way beyond my wildest expectations! All thanks to a God who gave up HIS only son, so no one else would have to suffer that way again! Now i can go to sleep, not having to pack a bag or plan my escape, just trusting and knowing that with God carrying me, i have nothing to be afraid of at all!

A Day to Smile!

2010-08-05T19:59:00.001-07:00

WHEW!! what a whirlwind the past few days have been! But we're in!!! We have moved into our beautiful new home and it's really, already, starting to feel just that, like HOME!!!! i never knew how cool it could be for everything to have a place, to be put away!!! It's amazing and Corban and Keegan and I love it very much....we count it the most amazing blessing God could give us right now. It's so cool how even in a new space, Colin's fingerprints are everywhere. We were sitting outside today while Dad was working in our new yard, building a space for the garden and the play area, i was looking at our sweet boys drinking and laying together on a chair...Corban just looks so much like his Daddy, each day i notice it more and more. I love it, i love having that little mirror image of such a handsome man in my boys! Today was another productive day at getting things out of boxes and into their respective places and just filling in the cracks of things that we needed to do. I already feel so excited to make this more of a home! It's made us all smile so much these last few days....i look at not what i'm leaving behind in our precious first home, but what we are taking with us and continuing to build in this gorgeous new home! (well, new to us!)
Anyways, i wanted to just post something quickly, i have some more to do before i head to bed, so i should go...but today is a day to smile, and i'm enjoying each and every one of them as well as the smiles on the faces of my boys! A good day had by all!
Much Love!
Melissa

Protect My Hurting Heart.

2010-08-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

To be honest, today has been a day that i have been dreading since Colin passed away. Today waking up, i just needed to ask for strength to get through this day as fast as possible. Our 7th Anniversary...we didn't quite make it, but i count it 7 of the most wonderful years filled with so much love and happiness. How incredibly lucky i am to have had my true love for those years. I have never met a man who had more patience and love than Colin. How he was as husband and a daddy, just blew me away that someone would be so constant and unchanging in those things, one of the most precious things to me, one of many reasons why i married him, his patience...and how he loved so strongly by being so patient. My heart hurts so bad...it was easier to keep busy all day, but i found myself being unpleasantly impatient with our boys...it makes me so sad, because i can hear Colin's words to me, just breathe, sweetie, it's ok. It's not ok, he's gone....what i wouldn't give to have just one more hour with him, to see him smile so big and beautiful....to hear his one in a million laugh and the sound of him when he got excited playing with the boys. Tears, healing tears are streaming down my face....i wish i could have one more date night...one more time that i could hold his hand or give him a kiss. I wish i could have gotten to go and meet Jesus with him, how amazing of a time he must be having there in heaven, whole....i kept making sure that in the days before he passed that he would make sure if he saw Jesus that he would come and get me, and try to explain to me, if he could, what it was like....All he was able to do was yell for me and say that he saw Jesus and that He was hugging him, so tightly and it wasn't stopping....i feel that too, just not in the same way i'm sure.
I have this aweful feeling of homesickness that won't go away...I want for just a moment for things to go back to the 4 of us. For one more walk to the park, one more lunch or supper out at Subway...one more cuddle night watching cartoons before the boys go to bed. "With every song and every breath, i will do it Praising You, When i must fight with all that's left, I will do it Praising You..." those words i am bathing in now as i type listening to some of our favorite worship music. One song by Kerri Roberts called "No Matter What". It is the most fitting song for me in our situation, there is one line that says, "before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through YOUR Hands.." I have never thought of this before i heard that verse, and i believe so strongly this is what God is doing in my life...HE is controlling the level of my aching heart, and HE is making sure that I can still go on, as long as i'm trusting and needing and loving HIM!!! I have nothing in me but Praise for a loving God who would care to protect me from this kind of pain! As for my thoughts, i have no more words, i just need to take some "me" time, in the quiet that surrounds me, it's not bad, it's kinda nice, healing in it's own way....Thanks for listening to me ramble, i seem to do it alot!
Love, Melissa

Switching Gears..

2010-08-01T20:38:00.001-07:00

HOME SWEET HOME... to Medicine Hat...oh what a great holiday it was! We stayed at two very beautiful bed and breakfasts and spent the days lazing around the beach with the Ziegenhagel Clan who camp at Pierre's Point each summer! What great medicine and just what i needed to switch gears back into a "mommy" role. It's been a long time, or so it feels and i have forgotten what it feels like to kick back and be carefree with our boys! Corban tried water skiing and both boys were on a little beginner ski trainer, oh yes, even Keegan, being pulled behind the boat!! I have water babies!!! i'm surprised their skin isn't falling off right now for how much they were in the water the last 6 days! What precious time to get away, but oh the heart ache i felt while we were there....i spent a lot of time in thought about how much fun Colin would've had with the boys, and me:) I was thrilled to see the boys so involved with the boat and trying new things, but i was equally heart-broken that i was alone in my joy for them both....i know we had family and friends around, but no one can fill that void that Colin filled, i wish so much they could, but they can't....
On our drive home tonite we drove through Calgary on 16th Ave, and my heart just about stopped when we passed Foothills Hospital....such saddness for a journey that feels like an eternity has passed between us...but oddly feels like it's as fresh as yesturday that we walked out for the last time never to return....God knows, the turmoil in joy and sorrow....Keegan found it that time to start calling out "daddy, daddy?" He was upset in wanting to know where his daddy has been and why he is not coming back and i just had no words to offer, only to try to hold back a tidal wave of emotion for fear Corban would follow if i let it go....Corban just simply tried to explain to him that Daddy was gone to heaven and he was not ever coming back...although so sweet and simple words to show his understanding....they cut like a knife for me....like it was news to me all over again....Holidays are over, and we are back to the reality that Colin/Daddy is gone and we miss him so much....oh wow, we are missing him so much!
One thing me and the boys are looking forward too, is being settled and moving into our new home, and making it just that...our home...taking each and every precious memory of our dearest Colin with us...I have such a precious peace going through this and i feel like this is a breath of fresh air that me and the boys need for a fresh start.
As for now, i desperately need my bed...sleep was not a strong point for the boys on this trip, so now we will play catch up with all that we missed...thankfully the fun was pretty much never-ending so sleep didn't have to be too much of a priority, i hope we can get caught up now that we're back home!
I will be in touch, but sleep is now calling my name:)
Sweet Dreams!
Luv, Melissa

Holidays and Quiet Moments...

2010-07-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hello All!
what an amazing past few days it has been! It's been great to be up here in calgary with Andy, Nat and their kids...getting the kids together and watching them laugh an have so much fun is just the best thing right now! It's actually been good to be up here, i thought maybe a bit hard to be here considering all of our time spent up here. I've still been in this rut of getting up and thinking i need to get ready to head up to the hospital or that i need to call and check in with Colin while i'm playing here with the kids...i really miss him like crazy and i miss him every time i think of how much fun he would be having with our boys and the rest of the family. We spent the day with some great family friends yesturday and it was the first day that i feel like i relaxed a little bit. We went to a little local beach and man made lake and it got us all so pumped to get out to Shushwap...the kids had so much fun! They made us this huge sea-food an fresh veggie feast for supper and i couldn't help but think how much Colin would have been over the moon to have been treated to such an amazing meal!
Today has been quiet...just playing around the yard and maybe later we'll head up to the mall. Not much us going on, but i've missed being with Andy and Nat and their family, it's kinda been a security blanket for me and they still are...it's such a safe and quiet place to come and get away from it all....holidays are going to be great, i never knew how much i needed to get away until we actually just got out of town:)
Life will be waiting for us when we get back, but for now, i'm going to soak up every uninterupted minute with my family!
I just wanted to say a huge thank you for those of you who came to support Colin's family at the Memorial Tea that was held for him yesturday! I haven't heard much yet, but from what i did hear and the pics that i saw, there were so many who knew and loved Colin and his family....what a blessing it is to have you there and to have had you apart of his life! I know that Colin's mom and Grandma and i know there were others, who did so much to make it a special event!
Anyways, i think i hear a little Keegan who is coming up the stairs from his nap, i better go!
Love, Melissa

What a Strange but Perfect Gift...TIMING

2010-07-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

What Good medicine it is to be around great friends! We had a little party tonite with some of our very bestest friends and it was just what we all needed! Our little Keegie Bear is turning two years old in the morning and i just can't believe how these years have flown! Such a monumental week..Corban is riding his two-wheeler bike and keegan is turning two and all of a sudden finding his voice, and TONS of words along with it! I never could have dreamed to have such a warm, loving, and support close-knit group of friends, we are so thankful for these precious memories and excited for many more to come!
I've been thinking a lot about the verb of the word "mourn". To be in mourning has so many layers to it. To this point in my life, i've only thought of that word as a devastatingly sad and lonely concept. What God is showing me is that mourning is a whole lot more complicated than just sad and lonely...BUT complicated in an almost positive sense...ok, am i losing you yet?! heehee...I have found myself being lost in memories of the love Colin and I shared, and the love he had for our boys, and it makes me smile, it makes me happy...something i didn't think was associated with mourning. I have also been learning that i need to let things go, I was so blessed to have had the most amazing 10 years of my life with the love of my life....i am satisfied in that and content that although this is going to be so painful and lonely, I need to dig my heels in and still live like we only have this one day....i can't go back, we won't ever be able to go back, so we must ask God to carry us forward. AND HE HAS!!! This may come as a sudden shock to some, but i maintain that God is guiding me and my boys and we are confident in HIS leading....Although we were not looking to move, God has in a sense "dropped" a house in our laps, and with much prayer and being open for God to either open the door or close it shut...HE has opened it and allowed for me and my boys to get a house that is perfect for our every need for a permanent amount of time!!! Before Colin relapsed, we were set to begin looking for a house to move up into...our little home is a starter home and we have been noticing that we are quickly bursting at the seams, so with that in mind, we made a list together that although simple would meet our long term needs to find another perfect home for our family. When i walked through the doors of this house.....i quickly found and mentally checked off every single one of our simple requests for another home...all the way down to details that we only shared with each other about what we wanted...God Knows, and i know that Colin would have loved this home for us. I understand that others will have opinions but i only operate in direction with The BIG Guy, and I am fully at peace that this has been orchestrated by God, Himself. God also knew how very stressed i get when thinking about the time and effort it would take to list our house and try to sell it....and He also took care of that side of things, and we were able to find a buyer and we privately sold our house as well! PRAISE THE LORD!!! I am still in complete awe at how He fits everything perfectly into place....i am excited to have a home to start new and amazing memories with our boys....and as i have been packing up and going through things, i have this strange sense that this house is no longer our home with Colin not here with us in it....I just am sad that Colin couldn't be here to jump around and hug me and say "we did it, we found the house we've been dreaming for! This is our time!" Up until his last days, we were still talking about finding another house.....
Tomorrow we are packed and ready to hit the road for Calgary for the weekend to be with Andy and Nat, which has kinda been more our home this past year than any, to be honest! Then Monday Mom, Dad, Me and the boys will be headed out to shushwap for about a week to have some down time and hang out with some great friends! So if you don't hear from me for a bit, at least you know what's been going on in our life!
God is Good, ALL the Time!
If i can, i will update from our holidaying, if not, i will as soon as we return!
Blessings,
Melissa

BIG Cheers!!!

2010-07-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have to write today with the most amazingly exciting news!!!!! Our BIGGEST little boy Corban just decided at about 2:00pm that he wanted his Papa and come over and take his training wheels off of his bike....so he waited until after supper when Papa was over and we took his training wheels off and literally OFF he went! I honestly don't know what i was prepared for, i thought he would get frustrated and discouraged and want it to go back to the way it was, BUT he was determined and so brave and he just went for it, and away he went down our back alley way! WOW! What a villiage it took...i mean the saying that it takes a villiage to raise a child, it's completely true, more so now that ever before! With a little lesson from Papa and Nana keeping Keegan from getting in the way and Steph (my cousin) with the camera in hand capturing every second of it, and me, masking my tears with such extreme albeit bittersweet excitement....being his biggest fan running after him...it's such a kneejerk reaction to run into the house and want to show Colin all the pictures and have Corban tell him all about it...but we can't, so i just told Corban that Daddy and Jesus were cheering him on, SO proud of his accomplishment! i knew these days would come, but i just wasn't prepared for any this soon:)
Tonite Corban and i had a little cry, for missing Daddy again..we do it mostly around bedtime, when we cuddle and talk, and i'm so glad he is open to keep me in the loop when he's feeling those things....i'm in this place of remembering, i mean, just looking back and having my mind take me to memories of Colin and I...finding old pictures and looking back...it's weird, i didn't think i would have to look back until i was old and the kids were grown, BUT, it's here and now, and i am choosing to allow those memories to bless me....and be so thankful that God would entrust me to be a wife and a caregiver to such an amazing man, my sweetness, my Colin...I just wish i could still be in that role...that just wasn't God's will, so i'm praying for God to keep me, and guide me and for His plan to continue to take shape with me and our boys! Enough..i need to go watch the Bachlorette, oh man, i just butchered the spelling on that one, i'm drawing a blank which usually means, i'm done for this day! haha:)
Good Night!
Luv, Melissa

Simple and a little Boring:)

2010-07-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well, i am afraid that in this new phase of our journey, i might bore some of you. It's a little refreshing that i don't have to report any new and detrimental state of Colin's health. HE IS HEALED!!! Again, i keep having to remind myself that he is no longer in pain and agony, but guarunteed to be playing some sort of heavenly rendition of an earthly sport he so loved! I find so much peace in knowing he must be having the best time up there being able to be free from all of the earhtly hassle that surrounded him in his last year. Honestly, the last couple days have been pretty relaxed and worry free for me and the boys as well. Today Corban, Keegan and I were altogether in the pool for a time, then had a good little cuddle on a big beach blanket out in our backyard, the simplicity in our life right now is the most refreshing thing...it makes me smile because i just keep thinking of how extatic Colin would be with how simple we are being. Our whole married life was full of simple...something we both loved, it didn't take much to make either one of us happy, as long as we were together, just loving being together. I miss him, but it's so strange that i don't feel devastated....i love him so desperately, but i wanted so much for him to be free from his pain and his battle....it's kinda like i carried his burden in a totally different way, having to watch him suffer and be able to do so little to relieve it or make it better. It fills my heart with so much JOY to know he is restored in heaven...JOY being my operative word...in my mind the definition of joy is not happiness, but a relief in so much sorrow...this mix of bitter and sweet...kinda like when Jesus died on the cross for my sin...makes me so incredibly grateful that HE would save me from an eternity of pain and suffering in hell and take me to be with HIM in the heavenly beauty that is to come..BUT HE had to suffer such terrible pain that can't even be expressed to get me there....Hmmmmm, there are no words, just JOY that HE would think of me, and you, and want to save US!
It will all continue to take time, but I am still being carried by God Himself and i am so grateful to so many who are praying on our behalf..Thank you again, and again, and a thousand times over, How God works in and through people and situations truly amazes me!
Today was a good day, and i guess tomorrow..we will decide what kind of day tomorrow is when it gets here!
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa

Numbness...Busy...Protection?

2010-07-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

whoa...i have been spending most of the week trying to get the "life" details organized....i had no idea that the most simplist of accounts, like the cellphone...would give me the most grief of the whole process! YIKES!!! I've had to ask God for some EXTRA grace when speaking with these lovely people on the phone...i think just a few more stops tomorrow morning, and things should all be taken care of.....I have to say the biggest THANK YOU to my Dad for helping carry the brunt of the mountain of details...he's made me have the easy job, it's been the biggest blessing!
To be honest, i'm doing ok, mostly because the energy the boys wake up with in the morning is the same level the whole day until they go to bed! I'm finding God's timing is the same "perfect" as it has been throughout this journey so far. Today was the day for a bit of change. I've been feeling like i'm drowning in "stuff" all around me at home....since Colin relapsed in March, it's been 18 weeks of not being able to keep on top of things at home, and so explains why i feel i'm drowning in our stuff....just so much to go through and get a handle on. I bought the biggest rubbermaid bin i could find the other day and today, i started to put Colin's things into that bin. I've been finding it almost harder to come into our room at the end of a tiring day and see all of his things surrounding me, makes me more than a little sad...and i'm not sure what to do, and since i've had such great encouragement about each person doing this greiving thing differently, i'm figuring that whatever i do, is just a.o.k.
I feel God is surrounding me with such a protection....like i'm under this barrier that keeps me from really feeling the gravity of my situation. I find myself being able to smile throughout my day...because of my kiddos...they are just so much fun and they bring so much joy. I've been really enjoying putting Keegan to bed again...he cuddles so much and we are really bonding again. Corban is going through a testing stage...not sure what is age and what is just stress of all that's going on...this too shall pass:) I almost feel numb today...hope that passes too, but maybe it's part of God's protection...who knows...one day at a time....
i've just gotten off of the phone with Colin's mom out in BC and she has mentioned that because of the family and friends that weren't able to come out to our Celebration of Life service in Medicine Hat, there will be a Memorial Tea on
July 24,2010 at 10:00am in the Greendale MB Church Gym. Darlene informed me that all you from BC would know where that is, and if you are able to come celebrate with the Burritt family, they would be honored to have you there.
Anyhoo, again another evening has flown by and i should start heading to bed....I really want to thank all of those people who have blessed us with meals in the last few weeks, fresh and frozen, THANK YOU!!!! For the flowers that so many have sent, they are BEAUTIFUL and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh flowers! THANK YOU!
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa

Beginning the Long Road Ahead

2010-07-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

This is it...silence....no one around but me and mom and dad (who are home, taking some much needed quiet time, themselves!) Andy and Nat left this afternoon, and it kinda felt like a bandaid being peeled away except multiplied by a thousand. I didn't think i would be this attached, but they make me feel a little closer to Colin, since the four of us spent so much time bonding this past year (whether we liked it or not, lol). I keep having these shooting pains, not physically, but just inside, my heart or deeper, i don't know, i can't really explain it, it just hurts. It only last for a minute or two, every so often, when i've slowed down enough to feel it. Being in this house in the quiet again, i'm realizing all of Colin's fingerprints over so much. It's kinda like he's still here, just gone for a time. His shoes, hoodies, toothbrush, etc. Keegan has been lookng for him a lot today, just wondering where he is. I still have this knee-jerk reaction to call him and check in, like he's in the hospital or something, it's weird. He's really gone...i don't even really know what to do with myself....i've never been the best person to be alone in life, so this is really going to hurt, i'm sure, but i know i'm not alone, it's just that my sweetie isn't here, and i wish so much that my parents and all of those who love us so much could fill that, but they just can't, but Praise God, they are the next best thing, right?!
whoa, this is gonna be tough....just breathe....i'm gonna go have a good cry...and by then i'm sure the kids will be up to something that will make me smile again. Ya, know? i've been thinking and it's been a long time since i was able to really laugh...i don't even know what that feels like anymore, just to have a good gut laugh, from the depths.....i just noticed the other day, i try but i just can't....i guess it'll come in time. Now onto a new week with more paperwork to be done and more signatures to be signed to make this new identity of being "just me" really for real. Here we go....oh i should go, i hear Keegan's cries, and Corban wants a snack...life goes on....whether i want it too or not.
Sorry to unload, i just have this heavy lump in my gut, and i can't get rid of it. I need to have some good "Jesus Time" today, HE is the best at lessening this load!
Love, Melissa

We Got Thru It....and Did A.O.K!!

2010-07-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

WE DID IT!! Yesturday was the most beautiful celebration for our Colin....it sounds weird, almost wrong to talk about a funeral like that, but i really didn't see it as a funeral, it was exactly what we wanted, a celebration of his amazing life. I am just so honored to have been a part of that life for as long as God allowed us to be together! My only desire in life was to fall head over heels, deeply in love, and God granted me the desires of my heart! How blessed i have been! Our families were so very honored to have each one who could attend our celebration and even those who coudn't, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and well-wishes! I am a hugger, and i sure got my share at the BBQ, thank you to each one who waited to speak with me, i was so overwhelmed with your support and blessed beyond measure through your words!
When i got to taste the BBQ beef, MAN, THAT WAS GREAT!!!! it was a good day, not what i expected to be honest....i mean, it was difficult, but so positive, i didn't feel the devastation i thought i would. My heart still has that familiar ache, as i'm sure that's not going to go away for a long time, but i guess it just takes some time....most of family has already packed up and gone. Colin's parents just packed the car and now they are on their way as well. It's gonna get pretty quiet pretty fast...but i guess there's no time like the present to start learning how to do this, getting a hold on our new normal and trying to establish some stability and routine....oh man, i'm glad i'm just working on a few hours at a time, God will carry us, i'm trusting HIM for that!
Today, my cousin Steph helped me declare a "BRAIN SHUTDOWN DAY", haha, sounds funny, but it's exactly what i'm gonna do, just be....and enjoy the simplicity of life today....love and laugh with my boys and enjoy being a full-time Mommy...something i have dreamed of doing for such a long time....Thank You Lord, that You have promise to comfort and heal and restore us, too, not just Colin, but for us still here on earth! I'm gonna hold Him too that promise, that's for sure!
this afternoon is quiet, not sure what to think of that yet, i'm almost afraid of the quiet....but just breathe, the rest God's gotta do for me right now!
ok i should go cuddle with my Corban!
happy Saturday, and thank you again for supporting us yesturday, you all were apart of making it the most amazing day to be apart of! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!
Love, Melissa

Lord, Get Me Through This Day...

2010-07-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, today is the day i have been dreading this whole week....secretly i was just hoping that i could skip around it altogether...BUT IT'S....ok...it's ok to cry, to show emotion, and i don't know what in my mind was telling me otherwise....today is going to be another one of those hardest days of my life....i just never imagined at a fresh 27 years, that i would have to lay my best friend and my love to rest. This isn't fair, BUT God only knows what perfection HE will bring through our troubles....I keep trying to look at Job...in the Bible, to give me advice. I used to think something like this could never happen to me, or that i'd only be affected by cancer and it's suffering through the "grape vine". God is good, i have jumbled thoughts and my prayer is that we can find a way to release Colin in his freedom in Heaven this day....That his perfection through Jesus will be complete and we can find a way to formally say Good-bye to our Dear One.
I still just can't believe he's gone......just breathe...in and out....I am praying God and Colin show us great things through this service today!
Luv, Melissa

I'm Stuck...

2010-07-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

ahhh, i feel like i just don't even want to face the next few days, it's creeping up and i just don't know if i will ever be ready for tomorrow....but i know God is here, i just hope i can make it through without too much, of, well, i don't know what. Honestly, i am excited for the celebration service, God has orchestrated so many little details, and when it's all flowing together i fully know that God and Colin will be teaching us and pouring into all of us, so be ready to be full! I feel like my tears are stuck, it's the only way to describe it, like i have this huge burm and it's gonna get too full and explode, but i'm just afraid cuz i don't know when that explosion will take place. I guess i've been open and honest with you all to this point, so i will continue to do so....I need to shower and get ready and face this day head on....family and friends trickling in....Corban and i are going to say goodbye to Daddy just the two of us today....please pray for me, for strength and for Corban's understanding and just for the words of Christ to speak to him through me. I am definitely not cut out for all of this, BUT it's not about me, God has HIS plan and perfect purpose, and I have gone too far with HIM to start to doubt now.
ok, this is a short one, just remembering to breath once again, i think i stopped there for a few seconds....gonna go shower....
See you tomorrow! Thank you all for taking the time to be with us there tomorrow, it means so much!
Love, Melissa

Loud Silence...

2010-07-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

I think it just hit me...Colin's really gone. With the business and people around to keep me busy, i've been putting off coming to that fact. He's gone...not coming back, it's something both Corban and i are having a tough time processing. What do you tell a 4 year old when he wants to pass away so he, too, can go be with Jesus and his Daddy. I want him back so much, i know i'm not alone, but there this huge emptiness that just isn't going away. I guess i'm just a bit overwhelmed and exhausted and just trying to adjust to this reality....He's really gone....it feels so short the 10 years i had him....never enough time, even if he had hung on to fight more days, it would have never been enough time. And then i feel so relieved that he is whole, healed and free. I am almost excited for him to feel that new and fresh and healthy....He was so brave and faught so hard for so long, he deserves to just rest in the Arms of The Almighty....i'm a bit envious for that...BUT, i have to remember to keep breathing, keep living and loving and laughing for our families and our boys. It doesn't make the pain stop, maybe just a little easier to push through it. I just don't know how i'm gonna do it, BUT I WILL...Oh with GOD's supernatural help, we will weather this storm....i am absolutely terrified, but i am determined to keep going.....i'm not sure where i'm gonna keep going too, lol, but we'll regain some kind of new normal and new routine and me and my boys will just keep truckin through, making sure each day is dedicated to being stronger in Christ.
I just have to go take some time now to cry, that is gonna be my medicine right now, some healing tears and resting in God's Holy Presence!
Love to you all!
oh ya, i almost forgot to mention, i don't want black to be the "usual" staple color at the celebration of life service on Friday....please be confident, like we are, in where Colin is and that he is made new....please dress comfortable and colorful, or just where whatever you want! HUGS!!!

Soon Some Rest, or Realisation....

2010-07-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

I honestly think i'm still in a state of shock. Today started as i have dreamed for so long....I actually got to get up with my boys, i got them dressed and ready and i got a shower in before 11am, that never happens! Then we came downstairs, had breakfast together and i had a good cup of hot coffee followed by a trip to the backyard for some much needed sandbox time with both kids! All before 9am! WOW!! Praise God for the little things, because after 10am we started into the business that no one wants to trudge through. We got all of the funeral arrangements handled, ran around to numerous places who all of a sudden now, need my signature, and came back to have some down time and get the service part of things going...whoa man, there was more than i had invisioned, but one minute at a time, and now i sit and look back at another tough day and feel like we got a whole lot accomplished. I hope sleep comes for us, it seems we all didn't have the greatest sleep last nite, the kids got a great rest in, but the adults just made more coffee to combat the fatigue....i pray rest comes soon, we all need it.
I feel so torn, like this whole thing really isn't settled in with me yet, it's not real, the business is keeping me from that reality, i'm not sure when it will hit me, but i feel more like i'm walking around in a fog. I'm happy with the details coming together and i know Colin would be thrilled with how things will look for Friday. This is just never in a million years where i wanted to be at 27 years old with our two boys....BUT then in that same breath, God is SO good, and HE is here with me still going before me, and beside me and behind me, and carrying me....How comfortable i am in HIS peace and presence!
I should head to bed, to at least try to get some rest...i pray we can get the things written and thoughts out on paper that we so desire to honor for Colin's memory! Thank you for encouragements and prayers, they continue to carry us....i wish i could hug each one who has ministered to us, so please feel my arms squeezing each of you tight!
Good Night,
Luv, Melissa

My Most Difficult Day

2010-07-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Here i sit, in our bed, all set back up after the hospital beds are already moved out. My True love and my brave sweet beloved is now resting in the loving arms of Our Lord Jesus. Last nite we had a rough go of things, paranoia and anxiety were overtaking him and after about 330am he was completely unresponsive. Nothing but the terrifying sounds of gasps for breath and a shallow pulse. Death is upon us and we, too, were learning along the way, but we both knew the end was near, and so Colin wouldn't let me go too far yesturday....This morning at 1033am, while we were sitting and visiting and laughing around him, Colin's sweet, loving, beautiful spirit went home....Praise God he is now fully restore and he is free from disease and pain. There is this strange but very real peace surrounding me today, this is not a devastating day but a day to rejoice that our healing can finally begin. Colin is completely healed and our prayers have been answered, Thank You Jesus! The only thing he would have wanted is for us all to Praise God for his Heavenly Entrance....and to be happy in remembering him here on earth.
Like so many of you have said before, there are no words, and now in this quiet, peaceful moment, i have no words. Such a mixture of an achy sorrow that i am now left alone, without my love to share my life with, BUT such relief that this chapter has come to an end....i feel guilty, a little bit for those feelings....the rough and bumpy days are ahead of that i'm certain, but i know that God will not let go of me now, not while HE has carried our family through this life so far. I keep remembering to breath, if i can do that simple task, each second and minute will take care of itself.
We are in the process of making arrangements still, but our "CELELBRATION OF LIFE" service will be held at 2:00pm on Friday, July 9, 2010 at Hillcrest Church in Medicine Hat, Alberta. We have and will continue to keep this journey as open as possible to share of each one who would want to come share in celebrating Colin's life. We would be honored to have all who desire to come be apart of that day!

To My Beloved, You will be so dearly missed, and you are so deeply loved....my heart has a hole without you by my side...i will do my very best to raise our boys in the full knowledge of Christ and with full understanding of the amazing man their Daddy was. For you this may only be a blink of an eye, but to me, it will feel like an eternity until we meet again. Thank you for the very best years of my life, you have changed me, and now just as you are being made new, it will be my prayer that God will fill and repair my broken heart to somehow, someday restore me as well. You have given me two of the most precious gifts in our boys and each day i wake up, i will see your shining, handsome face in them both. I don't know how to get up yet, to go on, but there are so many here to take care of me and the kids, God is SO good! Be Free, finally be able to just bask in the presence of our God. Kiss His cheek for me, tell Him i will serve Him always and hold close to His promises, but i guess i can do that myself right here, right now. Goodbye my dear sweetie, i love you so so so much!
All my love,
Melissa
ps. if it's ok with all of you, my blogging days are not over, i will continue to share our next chapter of this journey with all of you...if you will allow me. Thank you for all of your support and prayers, i feel them right now, they are what is carrying me through the most difficult days of my life!

Heavenly Promises....

2010-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today i feel this sinking in the pit of my stomach that the end is more near than we know. The pain has begun, Colin woke me up around 430am this morning and was terrified, he was breathing so fast and heavy and he was so disoriented and confused and just wanted water from his sponge and for me to be awake with him. In a weird wonderful way, it was such a comforting time to just release him, we talked in choppy bits about him not being afraid to go be with Jesus but afraid for the pain and suffering he will endure until that time comes. The pain in his head is leaving him very disoriented....he is not our dearest Colin any more, i think yesturday morning was the last i saw of my dear sweet Colin. As we laid together, we prayed and i told him it was ok to let go and he told me he just didn't know how to do that yet, the pain meds are probably going to have to be adjusted again, but i think i caught his head ache in time to keep him comfortable. I don't know how much longer we will be able to care for him here at home, that will be another level of grief of having him leave and never will he return to our home.
Oh God, help...i have an ache today, I always told Colin that being a single mom would be the hardest job in the world, and here i am facing my worst fears.
God is good, the time i got to have in the peace and quiet of the early morning was more than i could have ever asked for, and for a time, he was the same Colin, in little bits and pieces. I just want him to go peacefully to be with his Savior.
Thank you for God's Words...sometimes it's all i have time to do is sit and read the words typed on the our blog, so thank you for filling me with Heavenly promises! It is a true honor to be apart of God's Family....I wonder what church would be like in Heaven this day....maybe soon, Colin will be able to get back to church, and oh goodness, what a service it's going to be!!!!!
Love, Melissa

My Bestest Friend

2010-07-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

My poor Colin has been having a rough couple of days...After they adjusted his pain meds, he has been having crazy feelings of floating and being off Kilter. He has not been eating very well and he's been kinda confused a lot. Not able to make the simplist of decisions, i'm afraid the best days are behind us and the tough one's are only beginning...Oh Lord, please don't let him suffer any more. This morning he has been unable to find a comfortable position, my brother and i have been trying to adjust him on and off all morning, now he has finally fallen back to sleep. He told me he just wants to be done and i kissed his forehead and told him he can go to be with Jesus whenever he needs to go, we don't want him to hold on and suffer, my desire is for him to be healed and fully restored, Heaven is his home. My fingers are shaking while i type, i hate that we have to live through this, i'm jealous my true love has to go without me to meet our Jesus, like Corban said, "do we get to go with Daddy when he meets Jesus?" I wanna go, BUT God has a plan, i am holding onto that promise that HE is directing our path, whatever or however that may look. I am afraid to walk through this valley, but our support has been mind-blowing, and there are so many blessings around each corner, i have nothing but Praise to a God who would care to carry us through this, or more realistically, HE is going before us through this, to make sure we are protected the entire way. These days, not many words come when i am quiet to pray. I am bathing in the promise to "Be still and know that I AM GOD". So honestly i have been leaning so heavily on the prayers of so many, beacuse in this time, we just don't have those words, and many of you do, so please don't stop carrying us in prayer....you have no idea the impact you are having on our lives each minute of every day!
For now, it's quiet, that sounds seems SO loud, but so refreshing, just to sit and be in this moment....God is here, sitting in our room with us, Colin is at peace with that etrnal fact that he will be going to his true home....he is not at peace with the discomfort and weird symptoms from all the meds and the disease, my heart also aches for what i can't take away. Jesus, if it be Your will, take this cup from him, but if not, please protect Colin every second while he continues this battle. I miss my best friend, the one i could come to and sit with and share evry thought with, but now i have my Heavenly Father to do that with, i did before, but Colin is my earthly everything, and some days i don't know how i'm gonna get through this life without him by my side, i honestly don't know where i end and he begins, it terrifies me to try. For now, we live, today we have more love and cuddles and i have more time to just sit and study every detail...one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.
Lots of Love, Melissa

Birthday Wishes...COME TRUE!!!

2010-07-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

woweeee, again just finished reading all of those amazing comments, what smiles and tears and memories and just great feelings! Only God will know how you have helped carry this burden. I have said it so many times but i will say it again, what a privilege and an honor to be apart of the family of God! THANK YOU!!!
Since i didn't get a chance to post yesturday...we were having a party...i got my birthday wish of having Colin to celebrate with me one last time, he had everything arranged from a beautiful card and bouquet of flowers to the ice cream cake that we can't live without when anyone has a birthday! What a day, lots of laughter and fun. i mean tamed down fun since Colin can't handle too much these days, just before sitting down to supper last nite, made by Nicole (Colin's sister)YUM...MediCare just showed up with two hospital beds!!!! HAPPY BIRHTDAY to me, they had two so it isn't even like we're separate at all, we even got the deluxe versions with remotes to adjust to different positions. Even though Colin didn't do much but lay while we carried him in and out in bed sheets, he was so restless and exhausted last nite, with all teh hustle and bustle.
Today, Colin had a good morning spending it with his mom and dad while me and the kids had pancakes at my parents house, it was honestly the first time i left the house in over a week. i hadn't even noticed! The Doc's came today and adjusted Colin's pain meds again, up another level, each day it just gets a little worse. Today was the realization that he has nothing left for use in his extremeties, his hands just don't work....even to try to scratch his face, or hold teh straw to drink, someone has to help. This is so tough for him, so today he has been trying to just let things go...i'm so proud of him, he has done very well. We had a little quiet time this afternoon together, more good talks, and while Colin napped i just tried to study his features to make sure i don't soon forget....i had some journal time and Jesus time and it really was what i needed to recharge. I felt like today i had a really great day with all 3 of my boys. Corban even got a cuddle with Daddy in, he just sat and tickled Daddy's chest, so i captured it with my camera, i do that a lot these days!
Each day has truly been a precious gift, we are so blessed to be together again for another day, i pray for more great times tomorrow, Andy and Nat and the kids are here this weekend, so we'll have some family time with the Motz side....we are so blessed to have had the time with all of our immediate family.....i am blown away by our HUGE support system, i am sadly reminded of those who aren't so blessed, THANK YOU!
I need to go cuddle with my sweet hubby! i will keep you posted!
Much Love to you all!
Night Night
Luv, Melissa

Such a Precious Gift

2010-06-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Honestly, i don't know how to begin this post....i just finished reading the 46 comments of our friends, family and so many loved ones to Colin here in our bed. Our hearts are SO full of gratitude...we literally feel filled up with love and encouragements, and God has used each one of you to strengthen us for the fight ahead. We are in awe...speechless at the generousity and support, where to even begin to find the words of thanks and love that we feel....We have prayed so many times for God to SO richly bless each one of you, and i wholeheartedly believe our prayers will be answered!
With each passing day Colin is requiring more care and it's getting more and more difficult to get him that level of care at home...God knows, and the Doc and nurse were by from Palliative care today and they see the need for Colin to be in a hospital bed. I've been dreading this for some time, i guess the time has just felt like it's gotten away from me, and i've been trying to keep Colin in our bed, for my selfish reasons of just not wanting to let him go....i feel like all i have left is being able to sleep and lay beside him each nite, his arms are not able to wrap around me anymore and although he tries so hard, his kisses are just not the same. So now, we face moving him to a bed that will keep him more comfortable and my number one priority is his comfort, BUT God knows, and the Doc saw how it pained me to have to get to this point so quickly, so he's going to do his best to find me a hospital bed to clamp together with Colin's so we can still be beside each other. What amazing care, and love for others, these Palliative Care people provide, we are so thankful!
Today Colin had a nice long nap this afternoon, and i was able to get my bathing suit on and get into our blow up pool with the kids for a while....i can't believe how cold that water was but how much fun we had...then into the sand box for all sorts of Digger Fun!!! Today, Corban was struggling, we could tell all day he was just holding in his emotions and needing to just have a good cry, but trying to find the appropriate timing to do so, he almost seemed so angry towards me, which made it so hard on me....i just have been struggling to find the balance with and my boys, it just sucks that the two have to be so separate. I just think we thought we'd have more quality of life for Colin left, but he's just not able. AFter i finally grabbed Corban and just hugged him so tight, he just started to cry, and from there i asked him to forgive my having to separate my time between him and Daddy.....i just pray no damage is done and that we can have that open communication that i so desire, he's allowed to have his difficult days, too, we all do. Keegan is also visibly reeling...so clingy with me and not smiling too much, just being tentative with everyone, and just wanting to be held, so he's hitched a permanent ride on my hip for the time being, i hope he can deal with this and find some comfort along the way.
Tomorrow is a new day, and i pray we get Colin's comfort figured out with the bed situation...For now, i need to get my cuddles in and be with Colin while he's bright eyed, it's not always the case for our evenings, so i have to take advantage.
Each day we are so blessed by our support system, and the bigger family we are apart of, thank you and we love each of you!
Luv, Melissa

Hopefully a Good Night..

2010-06-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

Once again i marvel at the encouragement and support of so many. There are no words, we are so thankful for your your support. God knows when we need to lean, and He has sent so many for us to lean on. What a day and what a great ending, your prayers have been answered....Colin is resting comfortably upstairs in our bed...i made sure he stayed in bed all day and loved ones came to him, to save his strength and alleviate the stress on him. Palliative Care changed his pain meds to a constant drip, the drugs are strong, but he was pain free for most of the day, God so graciously answered our prayers. Today was such a great day, we laughed and cried and prayed and loved the people who came to see us, Colin just mentioned to me how thankful he was that our loved one's have come and made time to share with us today! We both realize our days are numbered, but i know we do have at least a few left, so we make sure each day we have some funny times...like when the Doc's told us with the new pain meds that he would be hallucinating, but they are more like little side tracked points in conversation that don't make sense. We have laughed about those little things, and Colin is even joining in because he knows how random his thoughts have been, i think it's cute. His little laugh that comes up, with the combination of his face not moving, the sound is so refreshing, just little shoulder shakes and belly giggles, i love being apart of that! Today we are reminded to be thankful for the little time he has left, because the suffering will be much and we want JESUS to take him and fully restore him like only our Savior can. Colin is peacfully sleeping....today he is not able to really have any mobility with his hands at all, just more signs of deterioration, but his mind and his beautifully kind and loving spirit are very much here and we are soaking in those precious moments with him. Speaking of which, i want to go up to bed to be with him, even when he sleeps i love just having him in bed with me, close, i want to hold on to these times!
I read your comments and encouragement to Colin each day, he cries at the generousity of our huge Body of Christ and beyond, what amazing people we are privileged to know and how amazed we are for those who we don't know to even take the time to follow our journey....Thank you!
Sweet Dreams, i pray we have a restful night, i don't know how many more sleepless ones i can handle! That's where i end and God begins:) Acutally, these days it's just God doing the work..i'm just along for this bumpy ride.
Luv, Melissa

2010-06-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have made it my priority each morning to read our blog comments....because we are truly drawing and leaning on your prayers and encouragement through this fight. My worst fear are coming to reality that Colin's battle with intense pain is beginning. Last night before bed it started and i have never witnessed him in such agony, even with all he has been through this past year...he told me through tears that he has never felt such pain....and then he was broken with gratitude for what our Savior, Jesus went through for us on that dark day that he died for our every sin. All that Colin could do was Praise God for what he did for us and ask him to help him carry this burden of pain as well.....As i prayed for God to protect him through his moans, we just cried and held each other's hands and said how much we loved each other and how he loved our boys...he wants to hang on for us, but i told him our deepest desire for him is to be whole and healthy and to be with Jesus.
Yesturday we got to take some pictures of our family, and candid moments of being together out in our backyard...my cousin Steph was so gracious to just take pics of whatever she could capture. What a blessing....our time is running out, we both can feel it, but our prayer is that there would be no anger towards our Powerful Heavenly Father through this time, Colin nor i have an ounce of anger....we are so sad that our time is cut short, and we are so broken with how our future will be separated, BUT our prayers are being answered and our miracle is that Colin will have an end to this ever-growing burden....he can lay it at the feet of JESUS and be whole with the One who has created him....true perfection....I agree, Colin is quite a man, his love for his friends and family, and his desire to be the best daddy he could be was something he worked on daily, and i admire the fact that he was constantly not content to be complacent in his faith...there was always more growth, something more he could do to be closer with our God.
I so desperately want him to stay with me, i don't want to be left alone...it isn't fair, it's not how life was supposed to turn out, but i'm not the judge of when God wants someone home, and i am SO blessed to have been SO enriched by having him in my life. My one True love....i need to go be with him, he is just in so much pain, today we are having Palliative care come in to change his meds to liquids to get it in faster and stronger and more constant....so little time, i hope our boys do ok through this...gotta go
luv, Melissa

More Time...Please....

2010-06-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well today all of Colin's siblings and immediate family will be here....it will be good to spend some time together, altogether since it has been so long.
Yesturday was one of the hardest days, of making palliative care arrangements and helping me have a "plan B" and also making funeral arrangments...Wow, never at our ages did i ever dream of having to do something so incredibly painful. God is good and HE held us up and kept us strong for the entire day....we had a rough night last night...at one point we just wept in each other's arms....so sad, just don't want to have to say goodbye this soon....today is an emotional day for me in particular, i'm sure it will be with Colin's family as well....so much to do in soo little time....LORD give me and the boys some more good memories...give Colin's family great memories to hold on to, and for my family as well!
Corban and i talked about Daddy going to be with Jesus....i am profoundly amazed at how he has understanding for such an adult issue....i think he has more clarity than us adults do at times! Our term that we are using is "passing away" Corban wishes to use, so we will make that our term....God has given him such a smart mind to process this right now, and i am so lucky to have this special little boys as my oldest, he and i will get through this together, he is such a big helper with Keegan! I am so lucky to have little pieces of Colin in our boys, i am so honored to bring them up...my wish would not to have to do it alone, i pray i can give them what they need and help them hold on to their Daddy. I have been getting such sweet little moments on camera and video, so hopefully it will help them as they get older to see how much they were loved by such an amazing Daddy. Oh Lord give us more time! Ok, right now, i am going to go and be with Colin, i will keep posting as we keep processing, we thank you all so much for your impact with support and prayers through this time! I truly am so thankful to each one of you!
Luv, Missy

A Moment We Were Never Prepared For...

2010-06-24T21:26:00.001-07:00

I have always dreaded this post, or ever having to write a post like i will this evening....Tonite we are home, i know it's Thursday, and treatments go until friday. We recieved news back yesturday that more lymphoma has come back in Colin's spinal fluid, more than 77% is full of the cancer again. It is with incerdibly heavy hearts that the Doc's told us there was no need to go any further with any more treatments. It comes to a point when enough is enough, and all Colin wanted more than anything in the world was to come home and be with our boys.
At the beginning of August 2009 when Colin first came up, he made such a mark on the medical staff, his bravery and calm amidst so much pain just blew them away and his soft spirit and gentle smile spoke to so many of what a loving and caring man of God he is. In their history, they have no record of having a patient with Burkitt's Lymphoma grow resistant to treatment. They were so burdened and sad for us, with what was supposed to be such a full life ahead of us...we are now faced with a number of weeks before things get really bad. Today we took care of our legal lose ends and tomorrow we meet to make funeral arrangements. More than anything we want Colin to speak his final wishes and then record them, so we can put it to rest for as long as we go on living. All of us know our days are numbered, but nothing is worse than hearing a Doctor tell you, you have a matter of weeks to make a lifetime of happy memories to hold on too. Each day Colin deteriorates....The scary part of Burkitt's Lymphoma is how fast growing it is, and she did say that he would lose his cognitive abilities and have much pain in his last days...I don't anything could have prepared us for this kind of news, we drove home this morning and it was the most emotionally taxing drive we've ever done. Talking about everything we both wanted to say to each other and crying because we couldn't possibly have this limited amount of time to share together. To be honest, it comes in waves...this is such inchartered territory for all involved, friends, family, loved ones. More than anything we want to be real and not have a huge elephant in the room that the end is near....we talk, we cry, we hug, we laugh and we hug a while longer. We don't know how to do this...another steep learning curve to say the least....unfortunately this is the one aspect of life, we can't really get an easy way out of. Don't misunderstand...Colin is very much at peace with death, he knows Jesus is waiting for him, and to be honest i'm a little jealous we can't meet Him together! There is so much pain in grieving a loss before it even happens....Constantly wondering if this day was the last we would be able to just sit and talk, or for him to tell me that he loves me....i feel robbed of enjoying him fully, his smile, his mischiveous expressions, his hugs and kisses. Nothing is how it should be right now, honestly it's not fair, BUT God is still in control, HE is still here with us carrying us through another open door. We are relieved to be at home, Colin is already SO much better in his own space around the boys, fun and laughter....the boys don't know anything, the adults are doing our best to keep our composure...Colin and I are praying God will give us the right timing with the right words to explain to Corban what is happening, right now, all he know is that we're home and that we don't have to back up to Calgary anymore, that's all he needs to know right now.
My thoughts are so scattered, as i think of things, i type them. Doc's are never right on their time estimations, but please pray that our family has some great times, enough to make some incredible memories, enough for us all to hold on too for our lifetime....Please pray for God's strength for each loved one and for appropriate closure to be felt by all involved who love Colin. It's overwhelming to say the least, and i find myself on teh verge of just yelling for someone to take us away to hide from this whole mess, just make it all go away. But that's not how life works. I don't have control over Colin's days, i was so very to have had him for 10 of the most amazingly wonderful year of my adult life, my one true love, my best friend and my most valuable treasure. Each day i have known him, i am in awe of his patience and kindness towards me and our boys...such a teacher and my fear is that can't possibly raise our kids without him, or go through this life without sharing each day with him. Oh God, there are no words, I know YOU, God are here, please send more peace, please take care of the details that seem to look like mountains. Our God is SO good, We have not one regret, our journey has made us different people, better people....I have such an intimate understanding of how God desires HIS Body of Christ to operate, and i have never in my life been so grateful and felt so safe to be apart of that! You have been the Hands and Feet of Christ, and your prayers and support are carrying us right now....Praise God today that we could come home, and that Colin could give the boys hugs and kisses and cuddles, and that we could all join and eat a really yummy supper together....Oh yes my friends, God is still SO SO incerdibly good!
I promise we will navigate through these rough waters together, i will update on tomorrow.....
Luv, Melissa

Today We Are Thankful....

2010-06-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hey!
I just wanted to update really quick so if i don't get too later, then you're all up to date!
So like i said yesturday the MRI was done last nite and this morning hematology came to do the spinal in Colin's crammed little room. It went good...the Doc said there wasn't any increase in spinal fluid pressure (which is a good thing) and it was looking pretty clear, which is also a good thing, but to the naked eye, it only tells so much. We may be lucky to get some preliminary results today, but i'm not holding my breath. Colin is resting now, and he will continue to lay flat for a couple hours to reduce the risk of those wicked spinal headaches. Sleep is the best thing for him, so i'm happy he's resting. Radiation was rescheduled today for 4pm and then they told us I COULD TAKE COLIN HOME TO ANDY AND NAT'S!!!!!! YEAYEAYEYAYE I am so excited to have him back with me full time, and for his mind, he does SO much better at our home away from home! See? there was no point last night to worry about today because today we have so much to be thankful for! I think every day we have so much to be thankful for, but as for today....it is a good day!
Just wanted to let you know where things are at!
i'll be in touch if not today, tomorrow with how things are going and if we've heard anything from our Doc's!
Luv, Melissa

What Tomorrow Will Bring...

2010-06-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Not much new to report on today, Colin had his treatment as scheduled this morning at 1130 and then he had his MRI this evening around 7pm..tomorrow sometime should be his spinal tap, so again we just wait. Ironically enough it's been more difficult on him to function in the hospital than out. At home, we have our system, our ways of doing things, and he just can't handle having to try to do things in the hospital. It's not good for him mentally to be couped up all day long, a home is so much better, and our nurse Karen told us today that she saw nothing wrong with us being able to have things back to normal by friday to get back home to our boys! We're just wanting to be done...so tired of what is ahead and seeing no improvements just makes things tough. Things are getting to the point now where it's sometimes just easier for me to feed him his meals, and walking is limited only to the bathroom and back or to get himself as far as the wheelchair. This is why home is better, he gets around easier and he forces himself to be more active.
The Doc's are looking into Colin's spiratic blood sugars, today they were up over 25 and they should be down around 4-7...so they are thinking this is diabetes being chemically induced by the steriod he is on. BUT he cannot be taken off of the steriods because of the swelling going on in his brain, so he will have be on medication and restricted diet to combat the evil effects of the high sugars, just one more thing to an already teetering pile. We're both just feeling overwhelmed today, we just wanna go home and have it all go away. BUT God will use our much needed rest tonite to strengthen us for a whole new day tomorrow. For now, i need to get to the rest part, and we'll take tomorrow when tomorrow comes! Thank God we have a hope and a safe place to "rest".
No word on when the results come back from the tests, hopefully by the time we drive home on friday we should know something more than we know now, i won't promise anything:)
i'll update when i can! Hopefully it will report that Colin can come back to Andy and Nat's for the duration of the week! Please pray for that, he needs to get out of that hospital!
ok, Good Night!
Luv, Melissa

How Bad is Bad Before Better? AND when will better be?

2010-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

I wish i was coming to you with better news, and well, i guess if i try to see the glass half full, this can be good news....After Colin was done treatment today the medical staff in radiation were concerned with Colin's growing lack of dexterity in his arms and hands, more so on his left side. Within 3-4 days, literally he has lost all mobility and function in his entire left arm and hand....not good. We thought this was a result of things getting worse before they were to get better, but our Doc told us he was concerned and that this symptom does not add up...so he admitted Colin on the spot, in hopes of getting him fast tracked to MRI and another spinal tap. I guess what they are wanting to know is if there is any more lymphoma growing and also, what, if any, improvements are showing with radiation treatments so far. He seemed a little dissatisfied with the lack of any improvement in Colin's symptoms so far. He did say that each patient is different and that he hopes we will see something get better this week.
Our hearts have dropped at this news, we both just got the wind knocked out of our sails with this...poor Colin, now that he is admitted under the radiation department, we do things the normal way....he is tucked away on some trama unit which is on constant lock down due to brain injury's and we aren't allowed any cell phone activity with all the life support machines and everything else...wow, a far cry from Unit 57! BUT the nurses seemed nice, also the young female roomate Colin is sharing a room with seems nice. Not sure how she is without her percocets but i hope we're out before we find out:)
With yet another "new" weird symptom that no one can explain, it's just making Colin's way of life more frustrating.....don't get me wrong, he'd sooner do it out at home than ever have to stay for an extended hospital visit....we just were SO hoping to find some exciting new improvement before anything else went wrong.....now, yet again, we sit and hold our breath until they come back and tell us what 'else' is happening.
As we were sitting, so sad, and so homesick having supper down in a little cafeteria, we cried as we talked to the boys, who were also crying telling us they missed us and that they needed us to come home....we just wanted to get up and go home and make it all go away so badly! This really nice woman handed me a kleenex....after i was finished on the phone and collected myself after talking to the kids i looked up and just happened to overhear them talking about the flooding that is bringing so much damage and displacement to Medicine Hat. So i caught their eye and asked if they were from Medicine Hat....they said YES, as i looked at them, they looked like people i had seen before, and i said as much. They said Hillcrest Church! WOW! They have a loved one who has been battling her own cancer, with not much hope or help from the medical profession. I actually didn't ask their permission to share their story, so i won't use any names, and please forgive me if i have said too much.....but through this "God ordained" encounter we felt the loving arms of Jesus coming over us in their love and well wishes and in their renewed hope and joy, because God did a miracle of healing their loved one!!!! PRAISE GOD, we cried with them, tears of happiness and hope and joy and relief!!! I pray they sleep good tonite! I also prayed that they be blessed with how God uses the Body of Christ to be HIS HANDS and FEET and HIS HUGS!
I don't know that those people will read this, and i know they will know who they are if they do, but thank you, for giving Colin and i HOPE. Our God is a God of doing the unthinkable, the impossible, and we PRAISE YOU FOR THAT, LORD!
Miracles are happening all around us, Colin and i are reminded of them often, and today we were reminded that when we need a hug from God Himself,He'll have someone there to make sure it get's to us, at the exact moment we need it most!
So tonite Colin is sleeping in the hospital and he will continue with his treatments for this week and we hope the MRI and spinal tap will be soon, so that he can get out of there and back to Andy and Nat's, our home away from home!
i plan on getting him outside in the sunshine as much as possible tomorrow, and again, God is a GOOD God, ALL THE TIME....i need to sleep now.....so tired from this day, i will keep you posted with how this all plays out....it sucks, and Colin and I are concerned, but God is in that room with Colin, sustaining him and giving him strength and keeping him at peace with whatever news may come!
I just wish some good news could come soon, something to give us some momentum to keep going strong....God give us strength this week, please prepare us for whatever may come, and thank you for all the support we have around us, and thank you for the amazingly warm hug of being apart of the Family of God!
Good Night! I hope this all makes sense, but since i see it as our journal, i hope you'll look over any spots that don't make sense, i won't make a habit of being up this late very much anymore!
Luv, Melissa

Happy Father's Day!!!!

2010-06-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hello All!
Once again we are at home, taking it easy and enjoying our surroundings. Just being able to be with the kids is such good medicine! We are 7 treatments down and 13 more to go! Colin is feeling ok, he is getting a great deal weaker, but his fighting spirit hasn't gone anywhere! We were able to put our new "borrowed" wheelchair to great use yesturday and we all went for a walk as a family! Nat and the kids were still here and now Colin's mom is here again, so we ALL got to go, and get some sun and some fresh air! This morning he also tried out his new shower/tub chair also borrowed but AWESOME...it's amazing how these things make life so much easier! I even straight shaved Colin today for the first time in our married life, and there was no blood! haha....he looks like a million bucks for Father's Day today! The kids gave him his cards and his new hoodie this morning and for supper mom is bringing over BBQ ribs and all the fixin's so we'll have a great Father's Day supper!
Tomorrow we head up again for another week...our appointment is at 3:15 so we'll leave just before lunch. We hope to get Colin out in the warm sun and fresh air again today, he's resting now, the shower and shave took a lot out of him, so he's trying to keep the little energy he has left to be able to eat with all of us for supper, and if he can't, we'll just all have a picnic in his bed with him:)
For now, Corban and i are having some much needed cuddles so i should go and maximize my time with him while the house is quiet!
i'll update this week with how Colin is doing with his second full week of treatment, i sure hope it goes as fast as the last week went!
I'm starting to get that sad feeling about leaving the boys, but they are in good hands and it's only for a short time, still easier said than done! We've had some good cry's together this weekend, it's good to make sure we're all getting that out especially for Corban....those dosages of emotion are good for him, so we've been told, so we'll just keep talking lots and loving each other and making all the good memories we can:)
I just want to mention to both Colin's Dad, Neil and my Dad, Glen, that you guys are the most amazing Dads Colin and I could ever have been blessed with....please know we are thinking of you both today and that we love you both so very much! Thank you for everything you've done for us through this process and your unwavering love and support as we continue through this!
I hope you all have enjoyed a great Father's Day weekend! Wishing all of you Dad's out there the bestest day today!
Luv, Melissa

Keeping Up With Our HOPE!!!

2010-06-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, tonite's post is going to be quick, this day has just gotten away from me, and again i should be getting to bed. Today we spent the better part of the morning at the hospital. Along with Colin's treatment, he will also see our Doc every thursday just for checking in to make sure all is going ok. Today they had some other options for managing Colin's pain levels and staying on top of things rather than playing catch up, like we've been spending each day this week doing more of. It'll take a good day or two of the new meds getting into his system, but he actually fell asleep this afternoon for 2 whole hours, he hasn't been able to sleep this whole week so far, so this is HUGE!!! He actually felt good enough to come for a car ride to the Marble Slab so i could get him an ice cream snack after supper. He is definitely getting weaker, the stairs sometimes prove to be too much for him, but that is when he's trying to rush, so i keep encouraging him, to just take his time. So today was ok, again the Doc's explained to us that their main objective with this radiation treatment is to get him relief from his symptoms, they are not confident they can get him into remission or to a 5 year cure....but to try to keep the Burkitt's at bay.....kinda the same unnerving details at the beginning meeting....we know it will work, but we don't know how long it will work for....BUT God is SO good TODAY....Colin has SO much hope....God doesn't stop where medicine has it's limits, our God has no limits, how cool is that?!?!?! Each day is our miracle, and we are still asking God for a total healing, and we haven't stopped doing that since August 2009, so we'll keep on....God knows, we will just take each day, and fill it with hope and joy and happiness and laughter and hugs and all those great things that HE has blessed us with!!!
Tonite we talked to the boys again....Keegan said "Daddy" and "Mommy"....another first time for his new words...before it was just Dad and Mama, so we were just beaming over the phone, it brought so much joy for him to show off his new words...Corban is just concerned about his cousin leaving him tomorrow and the fact that Auntie Natalie has to leave....but i hope he's excited to have us home for the weekend:)
I will update when we get home....but our first week is almost over, and God is Good!
Thank you again for your prayers!
Luv, Melissa

No Complaints

2010-06-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

All i can say is that it's a good thing Colin was doing better at the beginning of the week. By "better" i should clarify that it's all mentally, physically, he is usually always the same. Bedridden except for meals, and him being determined to keep moving. The nurses are always telling him each day, "make sure you keep resting, get your rest in at every moment possible". Each day this week has been getting progressively worse, more exhaustion (like, that is even possible), and more and more pain BUT we were told that it would be getting worse before better, so i am holding onto that, that this somehow could get better, soon. This morning we had an early appointment and i was concerned about how i could get Colin up and moving in time to be there, and factoring in Calgary traffic, we actually did ok, and he even got in early for his appointment. I found a wheelchair close by where i parked, so God was taking care of us, for sure!
Once i got Colin home and made him breakfast, i got him settled in bed again for a nap, and then went and ran some errands and came home just in time for lunch and then after Colin's nap #2, he had enough energy mustered up to stay in the tub for a quick cleaning before having to get back to bed....while he was resting, i changed his PICC line dressing (used more for bloodwork and chemo, but they haven't removed it yet). Tonite he has been having a lot more pain and discomfort so i'm praying we have it under control enough that he can get a good sleep. He's tucked into bed for the night now, and i'm headed that way myself very soon. I just wanted to update and let you know what the week is looking like for us. Still no nausea, PRAISE GOD, as for the rest, i'm learning that my role as a caregiver has only just begun, and there was SO much that i took advantage of when Colin was up in Unit 57! Those nurses are AMAZING, i sure know nursing is NOT my calling, but there is nowhere else i would rather be than by my husband's side getting him through each day....we make sure we are able to laugh, even if it's just his shoulders that move, and that we can crack jokes and keep things light....tomorrow is our last full day up here, and i can't believe we're already 1/4 of the way through, well this schedule anyway, we'll see what they decide to do after these four weeks are done.
I've been talking to Nat and she is doing fantastically with the kids, after mom is done work each day this week, they have been loving all the kiddos together....we are so thankful for that! When we talked to boys tonite just before bedtime, Keegan actually said "ya you Dad" it was supposed to be, "Love you Dad", which is the first time i've heard him say that to anyone, so it lifted Colin's spirit's SO much!
Today was ok, we have nothing to complain about so we'll just pray tomorrow goes ok, and make sure Colin is resting lots....he's started doing some squats at bedtime, he has lost almost all of his muscle mass in his legs just skin and bone is all that's left, and it's such a struggle to get him up stairs, so we have to keep that up....so there isn't so much physio needing to be done at the end....see, Unit 57 was on top of all of this stuff, and now it's my turn, so the learning curve isn't too bad, i'm just trying to remember everything that needs to be done each day:) There are so many out there fighting this cancer battle that have no support of a Unit 57, they do every step as an outpatient...AMAZING, i keep thinking of all of those all around us trudging through this painful journey. We are so lucky to have had the teaching and knowledge of the Staff of 57....We are so blessed!!
Anyhoo, i should lay my head down for the night, hope my brain shuts off to take a break as well!
Sleep tight!
luv, Melissa

Monday's Don't Always Have to Be that Bad!

2010-06-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday Everyone!
Today we left Medicine Hat around 11am and headed back up for the first full week in Calgary for Colin's treatments. He had radiation today at 3pm so we made it in good time and even had a little extra time to grab a snack in Strathmore. Today is a good day! Colin has been feeling good, we had such a great time talking and sharing our thoughts with each other on the trip up....much needed for us to just connect again and get ready for the week to come! The weekend actually went pretty good. We are both finding we have to get back into the mind-set of just "getting through" each day rather than the "recovery" mindset. We are not quite at the recovery stage yet, and we've been here before, with chemo, but it still is a routine we didn't want to have to get used too again. Colin was rested and comfortable for most of the weekend, some of his nights were a little rough, but nothing we couldn't handle. Last night we ALL got a great restful sleep, God is good!
Now that we've had our first weekend under our belts with how it's gonna be with the boys and me trying to handle things around the house, it's gonna be ok....just one day at a time, and it's exercising for me to reach out and say i need help...mom and dad and Steph(my cousin) helped us so much this weekend, and Dad got his hands on a wheelchair for us and a chair to fit in the tub, so life will be a whole lot easier now at home, we are SO thankful for that!
On the way out of the hospital today, Colin was being a funny guy, cracking jokes, i could tell he was feeling ok, and that's so good to see him with all he's been going through lately! I had to fill gas before we got to Andy and Nat's and Colin wanted to go on a "car-wash" date with me, so we drove through an automatic carwash at the gas station and had a quick date...lol:)
So, for now, we're cuddling on the couch and watching some TV.....hopefully we can have an equally good night. It's certainly not getting any easier to leave our boys, but with this, there is an end in sight, so we'll keep praying this goes quickly until we can all be together again at length!! i'll update each day as the week progresses! Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers!!!!
Luv, Melissa

Down to Business...

2010-06-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hello All!
well, we're home, Colin is doing as well as he can be, extrememly exhausted, just to eat a meal makes him ready for another nap....we had a meeting with the Radiation nurses and therapists(the people who actually do the treatment each day) yesturday and they had said that this would be the most difficult treatment and fight of Colin's life....in her words radiation is going to kick Colin's butt! They have gone through with us what resources we have available to us....she said Colin should be getting phyical activity....like a wheelchair ride around the block....i asked her if she was kidding, and she told me that would be all he will be able to do. So, i am in the process of setting up the house and getting in touch with homecare to make sure we have things at home here for after treatment is finished, it will only be worse for a couple 2-3 months after he finishes as well. There was an indication of Colin possibly doing more treatment to his spine after this full brain radiation. The reason they are not doing it all together is because the Doc took one look at Colin upon meeting him and said he was positive he would not be able to handle both treatments at once. BUT we know for sure the treatments are for the next four weeks, and we'll take the rest as it comes, they will decide once they see how Colin has responded to this four week process.
Honestly you guys, Colin's activity is limited to getting in and out of bed to get to the bathroom, sitting up to eat meals, and if he is feeling good, he'll venture downstairs to sit on the couch and be around the boys for a few hours. Aside from this he is in and out of sleeping all day and all night, and this will be the extent of how he will physically cope with getting through this process. It will only get worse from here, but we are getting a handle on how to function both in Calgary and here at home....our goal is to do this without Colin having to be hospitalized, they also said that it was likely that hospitalization could be needed.
There is so much to be overwhelmed about at the front end of this, but Andy and Nat have made their home in Calgary our home for the weekdays, which we are SO grateful for, and we have my parents and Colin's mom coming out again for help while we are all at home, and to watch the kids while we are away.
This next week Nat (my sis-in-law) will be staying with her kiddos here and taking our boys on as well, and then by the end of the week Darlene (Colin's mom) is flying in to Calgary and we will pick her up on the way back home for the weekend!
To each and every one of you who is helping us out with watching the kids, Darlene, Nat, Mom and Dad....we thank you so very much....to each one who is helping us out with meals, we thank you so very much....The little cards and notes of encouragement that we have been getting is SO apprecaited....you have no idea how much it means to us and to Colin that people are thinking and praying for him. It makes all the difference when he comes to the end of his rope, God gives him the strength he needs to endure and to hold on to HIM!!!
i am learning that we will be needing help, and that i need to speak up and ask. God has been so faithful with sending the help before i even have to ask, for that i am so very thankful, all of you are so tangibly showing us God's provision...God is using you to bless our family so much. You have brought us so much joy and you are showing us God's faithfulness when we pray for him to continually provide for us! You are the hands and feet of Jesus, i don't know if you really understand how powerful that is!!!!
We love you!!!! i will be in touch, i will try to do each day, but i can't promise anything at this point....on weekends especially with being with the boys, i will have more time hopefully on the weekdays when we're up in Calgary for treamtents to let you know how we are making out!
Luv, Melissa

Kinda Mellowdramatic...

2010-06-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Well, today was an off day....We went to Colin's 1015 appointment and it was so fast...he was in and out in less than half an hour, and they told us it would usually be faster than that, but today they had to take some pics of his initial state. He was feeling exhausted to begin with but as the day wore on, it only increased and he's been on morphine pretty steady since his treatment....he got sick only once so far, but he was in some pretty intense pain in his eyes. They told us that there would be some swelling around the brain initially, and that everything was going to get way worse, before it gets better....i pray it doesn't get any worse for his sake. Once we got into the groove with getting his nausea under control, and getting ahead of his pain, then he fell asleep and got a few good hours of rest, and now he's had a couple pieces of toast and he's sitting beside me on the couch. I pray we can get some rest tonite, and i just hope i can keep up on his symptoms, because we've learned the hard way along this journey that playing catch up with pain is an impossible thing. For now, we are just trying to be normal and watch some TV...he doesn't really watch, his eyes don't work too much for that right now, but he's just such a trooper!!! I can't believe how much he endures without an ounce of bitterness or complaint or anything else i would be doing if i was in his situation!!! IT's tough to watch, but way worse to be going through....my brain isn't working much for writing right now, just making sure Colin is ok, so i should go, but thank you for your prayers today.....it was a surprise to us that he would feel any different from just one treatment, and feeling worse he is, BUT PRAISE GOD THAT it is working, and making a difference and doing exactly what we've been told it will do....GOD is at work here, HE is using this to bring healing and relief to Colin...i pray it comes soon, so very soon!
I will update tomorrow from home, Colin's appointment is at noon and then we should be on the road headed home for the weekend....
Luv, Melissa