ok, so i know i'm a few days late, but i need to tell you about the coolest thing that happened to me this past weekend! So my aunt is home in Hanna by herself and so she decided to come and stay with me and the boys for the weekend! So we did all the super fun girl things...ya know, stayed up so stupid late and talked each other's ears off...and in those late nite converstations i had mentioned to her that my poor bedroom was in need of a little facelift but i didn't want to paint or do anything drastic...so she told me we would pick out a few things and she would help me make it a pretty space just for me!
well, i can't even describe to you the beautiful room makeover she did....a complete transformation and it is now my beautiful oasis that is pretty and cozy and such a peaceful space for me to unwind! What a gift! She recruited some of my closest friends and Nat and they shut me out of my room for hours waiting to see the final reveal!
Even more than the room makeover, it was SO good for my heart to have our home busy and full of people...seriously, it just filled me to overflowing and i couldn't stop smiling! What a great weekend! I also have to credit my aunt for helping me do a little facelift to the blog as well, and showing me how to upload pics and all that fun stuff! man! i've been missing out on loads of fun with just posting!
One more week until school starts for Corban and this morning we are off to do back to school shopping and some groceries...just trying to keep busy and enjoy the last bit of summertime activites before the fall hits, but to be honest..i'm ready for the everyday grind of routine to come! What a great summer tho!
ok, without further adeu, i will post my before and after pics!




ps...just so you all know, i have never had a rhyme or reason to any bedroom i've ever had...just not creative like that, so this is a BIG dream come true for me!!!
THANK YOU...Auntie Dawna, Christine and Duane and Nat!!! You guys are amazing!

WOW!! I can't believe it's been a month since i've updated this blog! let me tell you, i've been thinking about it SO much but to actually sit down and type is two different things! let me see...where do i begin...
Well i guess i need to tell you about our family holiday to Shushwap! I honestly can't even begin to describe to you how amazing it was! To have two entire families, the Motz's and the Ziegenhagels altogether at the lake!! 16 people ate together every night for supper and we all had a blast just hangin out swimming and skiing, boating and tubing! The weather wasn't amazing and the water levels were so high there wasn't much of a beach, but watching all our kids playing in the water and just being able to 'be' altogether was so refreshing and SO much needed!



I realized something one morning when me and the kids were at the water, just me sippin my coffee and our toes in the sand talkin....i realized that i feel "me" again...i feel healed...like i'm standing and those broken pieces have been healed over into beautiful scares that i won't ever hide or look away from, but i can smile and really laugh and just be "me" again...mind you, i promised Colin and myself that i would make some much needed changes and i am trying my best in making sure those changes become apart of me...things like not being afraid of risks...because whether i fall flat on my face or come out in success...i took a risk and it removes that fear that can literally paralyze a person from truly living! I have learned to be in the moment...that nothing else matters other than that very precious moment i'm in...because i'll never get it back! I have learned to breathe...just breathe and that through those beautiful cleansing, healing breaths, i have strength from my God who guides and protects me each step i take! I have learned that even though i have two young kids, being spontaneous is a pretty awesome thing, and i too, can be pretty spontaneous...i've been able to relax...to lose that worrisome nature that i have always hated about myself...i can be at peace in knowing there's a God bigger than us all who has promise 'little ol me' that HE can figure it all out FOR me!!!
I am also learning to allow myself to dream and i am discovering dreams from my childhood that i have stifled because i have just repeated that they just aren't possible...well why the heck NOT?!!? I can dream, and those dreams can come true! Just you wait!!!
Whoa, sorry, got a bit sidetracked there...where was i? oh yes, holidays, i proved to myself on holidays that i could camp with my boys, not tenting but the 5th wheel we rented was AWESOME and i am officially coverted to that kinda camping!! The 3 of us are experiencing new things together and i am finally confident that i can do this kinda stuff with my boys...so we decided to extend our time in BC and take some extra days to come home, we stopped over in Canmore, stayed in a hotel for the first time just the 3 of us...spent the day in Calgary before coming home and we had an absolute blast together...i feel as though this summer has bonded us in the coolest way, and so now as we enter back to school time, i'm almost grieving that our time is coming to an end, Corban is gonna be full time in Grade 1 and my little Keegie Bear is going to be a lost puppy without his bestest friend and big brother. They are playing SO good together and having SO much fun, sometimes i just sit and watch them, just soak it in because all too quickly they start fighting and wrestling, then back to loving again! it's crazy cute and such an honor for me to parent these two precious little boys!
Yes, as i mentioned so many times before, i have SO much to be thankful for...BUT i'm thankful that God has put me back together again, and He's woven new qualities and changes that will forever be engrained into who i am today...i'm changed, i'm better, i'm whole and most importantly, i'm HIS....and now i'm getting so very excited to see what our next chapter is gonna be...i'm JOYFULLY dreaming BIG dreams, and praying like crazy they all come true!

As i sit and write this post, i have music playing, and Keegan is standing beside me in his little musical zone, making up his own words but keeping tune just singing away! I love these little sweet moments where i can just smile to myself and see such sweetness!
I have no words that could even match what an amazing time we had out at camp this last week! My heart is just so completely full of what i was blessed to be apart of! The love the girls both staff and cousellors showed to me and my boys was just fantastic! To get to know such beautiful girls who were campers! It was an honor to be there in whatever capacity we were able to...Corban and i even got to shoot a bow and arrow and go climbing on the climbing wall together! Adventures and smiles and laughter! Wow, it was just the most perfect change of pace!
God used what material i was able to put together and i was SO thankful to be used however God wanted to use me! Literally, i just have no words, but i'm sure you all can completely relate when you come back from such an amazing camp experience. Unless you were there, there's just nothing you can say that can compare to what it was like! I made new friends and was able to catch up with some long time friends! The time and effort and volunteer energy that it takes to put a camp together is so HUGE and i have nothing but so much appreciation to those who put in so much time and resources to make that week of camp what it was! SO MUCH LOVE to each one of you!!
Now for the mounds of laundry to unpack and refold and put back into our suitcase cuz Friday we leave for a glorious week at Shushwap!! Our first big family Vacation (Mom and Dad and Nat and Andy and kids) since Corban was just over a year! Should be SO much fun! Me and the boys are even going to try our hand at RVing for the week! We have a camp site right close to our Ziegenhagel extended family which we are SO excited to once again to blessed to holiday with! I just can't wait! SO full of some more adventures!
Anyhoo, i should go play pirates, apparently my sword is waiting for me!
Love, Melissa

Summer Adventures!!

Well, the summer is already flying by, we have SO much enjoyed the past few weeks of visiting with friends, splashing in our inflatable pool (mommy included), and just enjoying the heat and the sun! It's been good! Good in a sense that i am so many times reminded of what was on our plates last year at this time, and i am thankful to have had an entire year to separate that stress...we are living simply and I have to tell you it's a breath of fresh air and i am content with enjoying that simplicity!
I was asked a few months ago to be the camp speaker at local summer camp in Elkwater...it's a girl's grades 4-6 camp and as i have prayed much over the last few years, God has entrusted yet another oppertunity to use me...although i feel quite underqualified and unadequate for this role for these girls, I think i've given God more room to move since i already know HE is the one at work, not me. I have prayed for these girls to hear from God and truly be inspired by His love for them...i'm just going to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!
The boys get to come with me for the whole week and i'm using it as a little family vacation for the 3 of us to regroup and get a change of pace and just enjoy each other! I am SO excited!
So, here we goooooo!!!!
Happy almost middle of July!!!
i will update when we get back home and let you know how it went! i'm sure there will be some good stories of our camping adventures!
love, melissa

ps...i also wanted to express yet again, my gratitude for those who have been reading and praying and thinking of our family, as well as those who have emailed or facebooked messages of love and support...It still brings me to tears to know that after an entire year, we are still so surrounded by such a strong extended family! There are no words to tell you how comforting and encouraging that is to me!!!
xoxo

God...Help Us Through This Day...

I know it's not technically July 5th, but i needed to get this post out, before i try to sleep. every time i try to type my tears make it impossible to see the screen and i have to stop to try to compose myself. I just finished reading my post from one year ago...the saddest day of my entire life to date, the day i had to say goodbye to my true love, he took a piece of my heart with him that day...I still don't see that it could've happened any other way, with the pain and suffering he was going through, nothing in me wanted him to endure that any longer...but he's gone...he's gone and he can't ever come back. Still feels like it's a dream...like the fog of shock is still lifting even after an entire year. My worst fears of being left alone and having to be a single mom coming true. I guess there's Praise that has to be given to a God whom i've trusted in to get me through each and every day since He took Colin home to Heaven. I have asked God to carry me through the seemingly impossible task of having to live on after losing the love of my life and HE has done more than that! We have collapsed and cried and knelt and cried for God to heal and we have asked for strength to get up and take His hand to keep stepping one foot in front of the other, we've been able to miss Colin, cry for Daddy to be here with us, but we've also been able to enjoy the things Colin loved with smiles...and Thankfully even been able to laugh from the depths of our bellies and talk about our most favoritist things we loved most about him...We did it...we survived going to bed each nite and waking up each morning not having him with us but having the peace in knowing he is safe and healthy and whole! Laughing with Jesus! We have done our first year of taking off the training wheels to skating lessons with Corban...his first year of Kindergarten, soccer and keegan talking, potty training, finally sleeping through the nite...now rippin up and down the road riding his 'big boy' bike as well! ALthough each moment i knew their Daddy was missing, i knew i owed it to them not to rob them of the joy of the moment! There has not been a day that has gone by that hasn't had thoughts of Colin in it...I am reminded that God never promised an easy ride...it's gonna hurt, but the most healing thing i have done is to just get down to the hurting, and just face it and cry through it...I still am trusting that God is doing what He does best...i don't even begin to understand why he chose these circumstances for our family, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows exactly what He is doing...He loves us, I guess the hardest part is having the patience to stand firm in His promises when there are so many questions, and so many unknowns...i know i have so much appreciated those closest to me...who allow me to laugh and cry sometimes in the same breath...who just listen or offer to help in any way they can! God has provided, in every area, I never doubted that He would...I'm so thankful..thankful for those who have hurt right alongside us all, to help carry us through in order to become better and more equipped to carry out God's plan on the other side!
I've surprised myself...A good friend taught me how to use my lawn mower and weed wacker (although, my dad does a MUCH better job of my lawn...THANK YOU DAD!!!!) I put together a spin bike all by myself...and done so many little 'odd' jobs around the house, that Colin just always took care of...i've put together those annoying toys that Daddy's can just figure out way quicker...i've used my fair share of duct tape, it's kinda my go-to for anything broken! lol! I've come to a place where i'm finally feeling confident that me and the kids can do this...we know our little unit has taken a hit, and we are not whole as God created family to be...but we are so full of love and life and we can smile and laugh and just enjoy each other!
Because, i have to admit, sometimes having the boys was more of a painful reminder of the fact that Colin was not here...each day i would stare in their beautiful faces but my heart would see their Daddy whom i missed so very much...it was so very hard to keep going...BUT there is healing...and i really feel like my sweet Corban, the one we knew before Colin left us, that he's coming back to us, and sweet little Keegan is just so full of love, and now i'm in a beautiful place to fully enjoy them and feel the blessing of having bits and pieces of their Daddy in them...the hurt is lessening and my heart is so thankful to have them as two little gifts!
Although this day is impossible because if i could do anything to rewind the last two years and have my husband back, to have one more hug, one more kiss, smile, laugh.."i love you"...even one more arguement...just to have his presence in our home again...to watch one more Oiler's Game together...cuddle on the couch...BUT i don't, so i'm going to choose to move forward and trust there is beauty rising from our ashes of this trauma in our life...I'm not afraid to face my future head on.. God is still guiding opening doors and closing others...Only one day at a time...just remembering to breath on those days that are a struggle, enjoying the laughter of those easier days! God is GOOD! I have SO much to be thankful for, and SO many blessings!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my sweetness! I pray your celebration will be unforgettable! We all love you down here! We miss you SO much! WE miss you SO SO SO much!

The weird warp of time is just throwing me for a loop, how so many memories can be so vividly clear but how in the same breath it's been an eternity of time since we said good-bye...i can't figure it out, or make sense of it...i guess i don't have to..i will feel what i feel and relive those precious moments and be SO thankful for so many memories!

ps. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me on this "other side" of my journey...it means the world to me that you would still want to check in and read up on how me and the boys are doing...for listening when i need to get those thoughts out! To all our friends and family who are also grieving this day as well...you're in my thoughts and prayers...hang in there, and if any of you need to talk...you know i'm ALWAYS here to listen!!!

Love, Melissa

Well we have seemingly hit another wall of "firsts" to get through on this weird and crazy journey of grief. Since Father's Day has come and gone with again more emotion in the lead up to the day than the actual day...Now that summer is upon us birthdays and BBQ season has also hit...something Colin always loved along with golfing and baseball...my birthday came and went...last year all i wanted more than anything was to have one more birthday with Colin and God granted me that one last birthday that i could spend with him...even from his bed, i will never forget the lists of things he delegated to our family members to make sure my day was perfect and special...he always made a big deal of making me feel special...this year my friends and family made me feel special but there was just this gigantic hole...which probably had something to do with the equally gigantic migraine that hit half way through the day...but my boys cuddled with me on the couch for the afternoon and Wendy's cooked us an amazing drive-thru meal for supper, which the boys were quite thrilled about...so it was a day that i had one mission in mind...get through it...and i did just that...some days have been harder than others, and there are more hard days ahead...but today the sun came up and we are happy and healthy and we'll just take it one day at a time!
We have come off of quite a busy stretch of weeks...i feel like we haven't stopped to take a breath since Corban finished school...it's been a good busy..visiting with friends and enjoying the warmer days!
July is a busy month for us...i have this funny feeling that this summer is going to be a whirlwind of fun and activity leaving us wondering where the time went...but this summer is bound to be a better one than last year and i'm determined to make sure me and the boys have lots of fun adventures together!
Anyhoo, Corban is wanting to eat once again...man, i'm afraid of when he's a teenager...somedays i already can't keep up with his huge appetite! hehe!
Happy Canada Day!
Love, Melissa

The most vividly clear memory in my head of the day Colin died was my first real, formed thought after getting off of the bed and walking out of our bedroom for the very last time with him...was this..."How on earth am i going to survive Father's Day"...I don't know why out of all of the 'firsts' and dreaded lonely holidays and special occasions we would have to face, this one stood out...but i guess Mother's Day and Father's day was our special day to show one another how special and very amazing we thought one another was at being a parent...since our boys are still kinda young to understand the importance of the day, we would do our very best in our own individual ways of making each other feel so loved and special. A day to celebrate the precious gift of being entrusted with these sweet perfect little one's. It also just so happens to be Corban's last day of Kindergarten which is the first real thing that from beginning to end, Colin was not apart of. I'm so very proud of my little man, but so very sad because i knew just how badly Colin wanted to hang on, to be able to take Corban to his first day of school...it's these occasions and day's like today when all the dad's were to go to the school for "Donuts for Dad's", which Papa and Uncle Andrew so perfectly filled in for...and then tonite for my little boy's kindergarten graduation that i think shock is still lifting that we don't have Colin with us...it just shouldn't have to be like this for my boys...it's not fair that they don't have their loving, patient Daddy to be their #1 fan, cheering them on...and spending their summer holidays training for the adventures that only Daddy's and son's get to do together.
I do also need to say Thank you to the males in our life that do give so generously of their time to fill that void with my boys...we are blessed beyond measure, but it does sting so badly to see them have to go through these holidays different from everyone else.
To my big brother Andy...you have risen to the task of not only being an amazing support as my brother but an amazing role for my boys to love and look up too, making sure to not only make time for your own kids, but also make my boys feel loved and cared for from a Dad's perspective! You are incredible and I love you beyond words! I could never say thank you enough for how you and Nat have supported me and the boys! I know Colin had to have chatted with God about your getting the job and moving here, but i bet you that he is missing the fact that he's not here to enjoy you...please keep him in mind on the golf course and in the dressingroom, k?!

Finally to my Dad, who without any word or second thought has helped us in every way imaginable...from making sure you talked with Colin before he passed away and followed through with each one of his last wishes and still to this day you are keeping to your word to watch over me and the boys! From the work you put in to plan the funeral and take care of everything to get me back on my feet through those first few months, to being a phone call away when i had water leaks in my basement to mowing my lawn and taking care of the garage and maintainance around our house. You have been a pillar of strength and faith and I am SO proud of who you are and to be called your daughter! Thank you for ALL you do and for how you love so intensely...thank you for your heart of wanting the best for your kids and the very best for your grandkids....We are blessed...and i pray God's RISHEST blessings over you in the things HE has for you! Thank you for being the Godly example my boys need to see in a man as they grow and thank you for taking over the wrestling role as they get bigger and hurt me:) From the very depths of my being, thank you!!! I love you more than words! Please forgive me for not being in a celebratory mood this Father's Day, but i promise you...we are SO thankful for you everyday of the year! XOXO

Well this emotion that i have been feeling since about Wednesday has finally emerged and the floodgates have opened...i should stop before my eyes get puffy..there are many pictures to be taken at my little man's graduation tonite, i need to look my best for him!!
To all of the Dad's and to those who so generously fill in the gaps for those who need a Father's Love...THANK YOU! You are loved and you are so much appreciated for the tireless work you do day in and day out, to provide for your families in so many ways...THANK YOU!!
Happy Father's Day!
Love, Melissa