Saturday, October 8, 2011

SO Full of SO Much Thanks!!

I love those times when i find a thought provoking concept that just makes me excited and inspires me...i think its like the concrete examples that God can show us He is growing us! Sometimes, i have to digest these things in my heart before i get them out...usually in written form...this blog has been my “journal” i thank you again for allowing me to bare my soul and share these times of growth and inspiration with prayer is that God can use a morsel of my words to speak to you and bring your heart closer and draw out that intense inspiration that only God can bring!
So i’m loving the beginning of the school year when activites get started again and we can be apart of our community of friends to connect....Wednesdays Mornings, there is a large group of ladies who meet together (along with great coffee) and this is my time to do be with friends who can share their wisdom and experiences...and i’ve been able to get into a parenting book that is already challenging me and breaking down the stereotypes that we silently place on ourselves and on our families. I’ve been realizing that my “ideal” life is a non-existant...but by who’s standards do we place these impossibly high expectations on ourselves...and how much JOY are we robbing ourselves and our families of, by not measuring up!
I was asked to share a bit of my story last weekend at a women’s retreat in Elkwater...and it was there i met a woman who challenged me, yet again, to take a closer look at the standards i’m placing on me and the boys. It convicted me...and it made me sad at the time i have spend wasting on being impatient or busy “doing” instead of just “being”. Its a freeing concept to be completely honest...being “real” is just how i desire us to be...God doesn’t use perfectly put together people, He uses the broken and bruised who are on their knees knowing that the only ideal is to be used and loved by a God who just wants to love us!!
The guest speaker who is from Calgary, at the retreat, introduced this concept of “living loved”....which means that there is this constant buffer because no matter what we go through in this life...we know...undoubtedly that we are loved by our support system around us...that no matter what the risk involved, we can have freedom to jump because even if we fail, we are loved....i think that this concept is so simple yet so profound...isn’t that what God has designed in family and friends and the body of Christ on this earth to be?! We are matter lets be share when we are tired, angry, hurt or full of Praise....instead of judging and comparing ourselves and others....lets love and create that safe buffer of love....then it occurred to me, I AM LOVED...and i am so filled to overflowing in how that blesses my each and every day!
During the time that Colin was sick after he had relapsed...when we both just “knew” he was terminal...i made a promise both to him and to keep dreaming, and that by dreaming those dreams, i would commit to the risk...the risk in living my most dreaded fear...single parenting...risking to navigate through this life without him, to seek God in who I am, and risk following Him into the unchartered territory ahead. I committed to not just staying safe but to step out and blindly has truly changed me, it has brought freedom, and allowed me to really live...for that i am SO thankful!

Please forgive me if this is scattered...i just don’t want to lose what i’ve got in my heart so i need to just express it and pray God puts it into perfect order!
Another weird thought just occurred to me...this is already the second Thanksgiving without Colin...i have to be honest, last year was WAY too quiet and we had no plans...this year it was my prayer to be completely surrounded by family and that is exactly what is happening, some actual family and others my extended family of bonded friends....WE ARE LOVED...and i am SO thankful....Colin is in such a beautiful place, how can i not just be so full of praise for the blessings around heart is so full...we are so very blessed...i have no words to full express that!
That’s why these Holidays are filled with so much more richness and depth...our celebrations are just the extension of what is happening in Heaven!
The most precious thing i am Thankful for is the gift of life that God gave through His Son...
I believe...not because i was raised in this faith, and not because i feel the need to keep the rules and law of any given religion...but because I am a sinner....conflict and worry, my need to control and my discontentment...this sin leads to death without any way out. Jesus, He, is the way taking on all the sin and disease of this world, he cancelled everything, every debt and washed my slate clean by His precious blood and His desire is to live a life that is being inspired by a God who gave His only son to die on my behalf! How dare i keep that gift to myself or keep it contained inside...FOR THIS I AM THANKFUL....for the freedom of being able to have this voice to share it and be real with what makes me excited and truly feeling alive!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

after reading this post back, it literally just spilled out of me...these words exactly how they are, are what is in my heart...untouched in the mumble jumble of it all...but i guess that's how i wanted it to be...just real, and 100% me:)