Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Mish Mash of the Past Few Months!

I'm sitting here at my computer this morning, coffee in hand..or on the desk in front of me...shaking my head at how long it's been since i've sat down to write a post...Thanksgiving! October 8th?~ Wow, has it really been that long??? It feels like just yesturday...there used to be a time when i was so afraid of the dreaded dragging on of everyday...those days when you look at the clock and wonder how only 3 minutes have passed when it feels like 30?? Thankfully those days aren't so often around here... the boys and i have fallen into this really good groove...we have finally figured out how to be a good little team of 3! i'm not saying that everyday is easy with a 6 and 3 year old...but i have figured out how to embrace God's gift of JOY in my life...and it has brought me to this beautiful place of contentment! I have been feeling for a little while like i need to fill you in on the boys...tell you about the growth and changes i've seen in them over the past year and a half since their Daddy has been in Heaven. Our dearest Corban has obviously had the brundt of the pain because he is the oldest and he and Colin were literally inseparable...and there are still things i have very vivid flashbacks about...still even now...i'm remembering parts of what we went through..i guess that's the beauty of getting them in small sort through them and grieve them as they come...anyways, about a week ago, i was reminded of that moment. The moment i most felt terrified for, and so unprepared to do. The moment Corban walked up our front steps and came through the front door and saw me sitting on the couch (which, when Colin was in his last weeks, i NEVER did). The moment he saw me sitting down, it was instant, he immediately asked where Daddy was, and it was then i had to do the most horrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life...I had to tell my little boy that his Daddy was gone and he could never come back. i'm crying even now typing this...i think that's why this blog has been my saving Grace in processing these memories. In that moment of such extreme pain in Corban's world i prayed he would someday understand that there was nothing else for Colin but to be healed in Heaven, and that we would all try to wrap our heads around this new reality. i will never forget his a mom , especially with young kids, you have this God-given ability to be able to take away the pain of your kids...That is my job...and nothing i could say or do in that moment and so many moments to follow could, or ever will, be able to take that pain away from my boys...i have these times of grief not for me, but i feel i'm grieving for them...those times and memories they have been robbed of with their Dad. BUT...i am thankful...because we have made to sure to draw near to God in our pain, and He promised that He would draw near to us. And He has...we are in a good place. We can think back and remember Colin with happy faces and not crying hurting hearts. We miss him, so so much, but now we can sit and cuddle on the couch and talk about what our favorite things about Colin were. This is a place that seemed like an unattainable goal at times. I am SO thankful to be in this place with my boys. Just yesturday Keegan and i were getting groceries and while waiting in line a lady made a comment to Keegan about playing with his Daddy...and Keegan smiled so matter of factly and said respectfully, that his Daddy is in Heaven. She looked at me so embarrassed and suprised and i warmly tried to ease the akwardness of the situation...its our reality now, and it's ok...God is good, we are Blessed and we have so much to be thankful for, and i make it my priority to help the boys understand that.
My sweet Corban was at skating lessons last week where they ended the class with getting balloons, and while we were getting our skates off and readying to leave the rink a little girl not much older than 2, accidentally popped her balloon...her face was so sad and her head sunk with such disappointment that she no longer had her balloon...and without hesitation, Corban walked over to her and gave her his balloon...i could not have been more proud in that moment of seeing his heart swell, and that light bulb moment of experiencing how good it feels to give...what a lesson, what a gift! i'm learning to understand the person God is molding him to be...He is so kind, generous and concerned about others and making them feel welcomed and loved...He is a typical firstborn trying so hard to help parent Keegan...which i constantly keep reminding him that its my job and he gets the best role of being big brother and best friend to Keegan.
My little keegie bear is musical and free-spirited, which is in the meaning of his name...He loves to sing and dance, and more than anything he loves to laugh and make others laugh...he, too, is learning to share and figuring out that its better to listen to our rules and evade consequences, for a much happier mommy, and much happier Keegan in the long run:) He is 3, we have our moments, and our days, but he is a blessing!
I have been blessed with both my boys wanting to cuddle ALOT...i won't ever wish away the times when i have SO much to do around the house but the best moments for me is to drop it all and just sit. Sit and talk, sit and laugh, or sit and be silent...but what a gift and a lesson for me. These are those most important times that i won't ever regret taking! Our favorite things to do together has been playing nerf guns, tossing (gently) around the football in the basement which usually ends in a wrestling/tickling match! Corban has found a love for lego and keegan is usually somewhere in his imagination being a brave knight fighting off the dragons that keep popping up all over the house;) Life is so good!

Last weekend, I was able to have 2 dreams of mine come true...some girls i've been friends with for so long, and myself...all went to Las Vegas for 4 days...our mission was to run the Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 marathon that routes along the entire strip and around the sights of VEGAS...13.1 miles seemed like a good idea...Vegas and the race were 2 things on my bucket list, and we were on a mission to do some shopping as well as just take in the sights and sounds of a city that never sleeps! Our trip started with a limo ride which toured us around before heading to our hotel (Planet Hollywood) was like out of a movie! Little ol' Small-town-girl was on sights and sounds overload! There were 44,000 people registered for the race itself...5000 for the full marathon and the rest running the half with the four of us! We were wall to wall people the entire 13.1 miles! Early on, when i realized my high hopes for a good finish time would not be at all possible, i set my goal to run the entire race...i wanted to say i RAN it seemed like a great goal for the first 6 miles...but rounding mile 9 i was in tears and every joint in my lower body was SCREAMING for me to stop...BUT i prayed...i asked God to give me the strength and endurance i needed to push through the pain and keep going, to keep my mind strong in the fight i was having within myself to stop...and by 2hours and 29minutes, i had crossed the finish line!! Everything in me hurt...but i think that what was so bittersweet for me was that i was all alone...obviously the 4 of us girls couldn't stay together the whole way through, but the one person i shared my dreams of running too, was Colin...i again, i was brought back to the day we were driving home from the hospital, after transplant, and he asked me a very pointed question.."what do u want? What can i do for u to say thank u for caring for me?" and i said i wanted to that Christmas 2009, he bought me my first "fitted" pair of runners and when everyone was asleep each day for their afternoon naps, i would go for my run...a time when i would zone out, and just be me, with no demands on me or anything required of me...just me and fresh air and my music as loud as i wanted in my ears!
I wore those runners last week for my first race...and i cried when i finished that he wasn't there...something that for one of the first times in my life, i've dreamed of and followed through on...that was emotional for me...i have proven to myself that it's ok to dream, and that i am capable (with a lot of help from my God) to see those dreams happen! So...I did it...but don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean i'm hooked to the races now...i think my 1/2 marathon is crossed off and i have no wishes at this point to do another...someday in the near future i will do my full marathon, but i am content to wait until the freshness of the pain eases from my mind on this one!
The trip and the girls i was with were once in a lifetime, and i am SO thankful i had the oppertunity to parents and Natalie being SO generous to take the kids while i was away! Even though it was anything BUT relaxing, i felt recharged and thankful to have had some time made me better appreciate my role as a was SO healthy to do that...
As Christmas rushes up out of nowhere, i am SO excited to have the desire to want to stay at home...I didn't have that last year and we were ever so grateful to go to my aunt and uncles' farm in Hanna to get away! But this year, being surround by family and friends is my wish come true...I am completely surrounded by people who love me and the boys and we are this beautiful family who can be real with each other and grow together in our journey's (wherever they may be at) with God! We are happy, but i think it goes so much deeper than that. I have JOY...having gone through pain and our journey of healing, I see the Grace of a God who loves me more than anything in this world, and i have promise after promise that He won't ever let us fall...isn't that what He intended for His Grace to be?! That soft pillow landing from the depth of the pain and suffering that goes on in this world! I have a gift that i am forgiven and that someday me and the boys will get to see Colin again and fill him in on all of our adventures after he left...I have JOY because we have come so far, and we are still going, i'm excited for what is coming for us...for what God is doing in and through us...I have HOPE because of a little baby boy, born so many years ago with a very concrete purpose to save me and all those i love from death, and bypass us right through to true life itself, the way God intended from the very beginning of time...oh to get a glimpse of that life!!! But when i look at it through the perspective of pure JOY, i guess i have glimpses, everyday, wherever i am!
My prayer is for you too, to find that same gift of JOY and God's amazing Grace in this season!
Merry Christmas!!!
Luv, Melissa