Sunday, January 30, 2011

Winter Blah's

So...another dump of snow only compounds on the massive amount we already have around here, adding also to the mounting "slump" that the month of January brings. Yuk...yuk to be having to be inside so much...yuk to not seeing the sun as much as we're used too, yuk that again the kids are fighting some form of the cold/flu that just hangs in waiting until we're almost free from it's grips...again....YUK! What i usually try to do is keep busy when this happens, but with another cold snap and the kids being already sick, that's just not an option. So home it is...again...oh boy, i guess that's when i have to bring in the BIG GUNS, i'm feeling the need to have a dance party with very loud music and singin loud with my boys...sometime today i'm sure that will be in order. It always seems to lift our moods and kill some time when we are feeling a little bit "shut in". For now, Keegan's down for his nap and Corban and i are going to have a little Super Mario Bro's date with the Wii...that should bring some good quiet time for us all!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Happy 30th Birthday My Dearest Colin: Thank you for making every season of the life we shared together absolute perfection! Feeling your love, seeing you smile and hearing your laugh are missed by each of those who knew and loved you....after years of waiting for your chance to shine, Jesus called you home with a standing ovation...i was just so very glad to have called you mine!

Today is a day i'm planning on keeping busy, being occupied...i've been able to have this special day to spoil Colin on, for 11 years....i feel so weird because i loved that it was my job to spoil him and make him feel so loved! It stings my heart to know he's really gone, and that point so everpresent as these special days pass us by. I was ok for Christmas...but his birthday is something different..i don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it, but my heart hurts today and when the hurt dulls the sting starts...but i'm determined to smile and lean on our best friends and have the comfort of my family all around me...God is SO good!

To all of you who knew and loved Colin, i'm praying blanket prayers over us all today, that we would be able to face this day with the JOY of knowing where Colin gets to spend his Birthday this year. He's safe and whole and healthy and strong...HE'S HOME!!!! There's nothing more i would want for him!

Thank you for allowing me to lean and for giving me such encouraging words to keep going...God uses you in powerful ways!!! Just Breathe, right?! Doing just that as I type!

Happy Birthday Colin, thinking of you always!!! There is not a day that goes by that you're not being thought of and loved...I promise to keep your memory alive in our hearts and in the lives of our little boys!!!
Love, Melissa Corban shared with me this morning that because Daddy was turning 30, and it was such a big number that he was definitely bigger...and he thought he was now ready to start growing a the random thoughts of kids!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Birthday Wishes...

ok, so i have to tell you about the coolest thing. This passed Saturday, a couple of Colin's best friends wanted to plan this really fun day to celebrate Colin. Since it would have been his 30th Birthday on this coming Wednesday the we wanted to make this an event to remember and enjoy and celebrate...WOW...Clark and Renate Kurpjuweit hosted the 1st Annual Team Burritt Winter Classic, out at their farm. Clark spent countless hours plowing and flooding a homemade rink...down in the gully just behind their house. When we got down there, they had a fire going and music blasting and people were just hangin out and enjoying the day...when i walked to center ice on this amazing little rink...there was this beautiful Oiler's logo etched into the ice surface, but instead of the Oiler's Name, it had Colin's name in the center with Team Burritt written around the top and Ps. 23 rimming the only Colin could have been there, the day was pure magic, bittersweet and i felt like i was in this dream, still coming to grips that Colin was in fact gone...BUT i know he was there, he was looking down from the most fantastic seat in the whole place...and i could feel that beautiful smile that we all know and love of him!!!! His laugh would have been out of this world to hear! We laughed and cried and visited and it was a great chance to catch with people i haven't seen in so long! If you want to see the logo, i have it posted as my profile picture right now on my facebook page...i can't quite figure out how to upload pictures to this blog site, but i will make it my mission so you all can see it and enjoy it!
I couldn't believe how hard it was for me though, packing up his jersey so i could wear it for him...bringing along the sticks that he cut down and taped up and made for our boys...he should've been there, he needed to be the one playing pond hockey with the guys!!! We all miss him SO much but it was such great medicine for us all to be together missing him!
So i have this huge thank you, for the poeple who made it out, the people who brought food and to Chad and Clark for their time and efforts to make it such a fairytale adventurous day! It was perfect and it was more than i ever dreamed it could be to celebrate Colin's 30th Birthday! I am blessed with the most wonderful people in my life...Colin and I knew very well that we were and I AM the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by the great friends in my life!

So as i enter into another one of those impossible weeks, with thoughts of joy and sadness's another one of those Firsts that sting really bad...I Miss you my dear sweet Colin, I hope Jesus takes care of that HUGE 30th Birthday Party Bash on my behalf!!! My wish would be to be apart of it somehow, only for a minute! Leave a candle still lit on ur cake for me, k?! XOXO

Happy Monday!
Love, Melissa

Friday, January 21, 2011

Here and Now...

You have no idea how good it feels to clean the house, top to bottom, with as little interruption as i had this morning..Keegan just following me with his little cloth, dusting and cleaning everything i was! It was awesome, the music was up so loud and we just went to it! I have a dream to one day have the house actually stay clean for an entire day but as long as i have two energetic hurricanes in my house, my dreams will have to be put on hold....i'm positive most of you mom's reading this can relate exactly to what i'm saying! It just feels good to feel be productive. The kids have been playing tag with a nasty chest cold for the past few weeks, so with the cold weather thrown in to that mix, we were a bunch of caged animals, as again, i know so many of you can relate! At least we're not alone right?! We're all pretty much in the same boat, but i don't think it makes it any easier for any of us!
I need to paint a picture for you...i'll do my best to describe it exactly the way i witnessed it. I was in our office, checking my email, listening to some tunes, and usually where the music is, Keegan and I aren't too far behind boppin' to the beats. So as he was dancin' he climbed up onto the loveseat behind me, and stood on the sidearm, it's flat and right up above it is a beautiful picture of our dearest Colin all decked out in his uniform and smiling so magestically! My dearest Keegie Bear puts both his arms up with his hands on the wall, one on either side of the picture, where he starts to have quite a detailed conversation with his Daddy. Telling him about the cars he was playing with, asking him if he was a Policeman and now that he was in heaven, was he still Police?! Then he starts to talk and then giggle, all the while still very intently starring into Daddy's picture...not at all aware that i was watching him with tears in my eyes. I find myself in this default setting, I just still think that maybe he'll come walking in the door, that this wasn't our life, that i didn't have to be the one to lose my love~some of our days with being sick were so long, i remember when Colin and I would be wishing away the time until the kids were in bed, we would pack all of us up and just take a drive and see what fun we could have and where we would end up. So that's what i did, but it just wasn't as fun as it once was...and the boys just wanted to go back home, so i explained to them that we were taking the long way around:) That seemed to appease them and give me a few minutes of peace and quiet, well maybe not quiet, but all i had to do was drive and nothing else! I am trying so desperately to enjoy these times with my boys, but this life was never meant to be spent alone. The beauty of how God created family, the essance of a family unit, i'll never take it for granted again. If God would allow for that unit to be repaired and restored in our lifetime, i guess i'll have to keep seeking Him for our direction, wherever that may take us! I guess i just gotta keep pluggin away...making sure i see the many, many things to be so thankful for...especially when the days feel like years!
The house is quiet, Keegan is having a nap, i'm done cleaning...and i only have about a 45 minute window of some quiet, i'm gonna go enjoy that right now!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa
ps..thanks for thinking to my random thoughts, just what's on my heart right at this moment!

Friday, January 14, 2011

It's the end of a busier than normal week for us...and it's snowing again! I managed to be organized enough to get my grocery essentials before it got ugly! That almost never happens! Yesturday, from inside our warm, cozy house, as i watched the snow start to fall...i was smelling homemade chicken soup from the slow cooker, freshly baked oatmeal cookies and my coffee, wishing SO much to look forward to someone coming home at the end of the day to share it all with. It was just one of those lonely days i guess. BUT the boys were hungry and ate lots and lots, so i'm not complaining, i did something right, and at least their bellies were filled and we were all warm and cuddled up!
As for this past week...Dad and I had a meeting for the RELAY 4 LIFE through the Canadian Cancer Society) happening locally at the end of May. This year, they asked Dad and I to be the Honorary Co-Chairs for the event! What an absolute honour it is for both of us to be apart of such an inspiring group of people. Mixed with cancer survivors and people affected in some way by the disease. What an amazing way for us to give back and make change happen in our community! I am planning on posting a link and more info on the event or about how you can get involved and register your teams, if you feel you want, too!
Wednesday night was the annual Police Parade held at the Cypress Centre. A chance for the department and their families to get together all dressed up and looking great, might i add, and hear about the previous year and the year ahead. What an incredible group of officers who make up this Police made me miss the life we would've had being apart of it...Colin was watching though, of that i'm sure! I had the oppertunity to sing O Canada, which was fun, but it was bittersweet. Last Year Colin was apart of his first and last Parade, i'm so grateful he was able to do that, but i wish it wasn't just one year! This past November marked Dad's 30th year in it was great to have our whole family there to watch him march and show him how so very proud we are of him!

This week my little Keegan has had this awful chest cold that's making it's rounds, so i've been trying to make sure he's getting better and not any worse, hopefully he can kick it soon!
I wanted to share this quote i read from Oswald Chambers, he wrote one of my most favorite devotional books, and it reads, "We do not need the Grace of God to withstand crises - human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatureal grace of God to live 24 hrs of every day, as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God - but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people - and this is not learned in 5 minutes." The thing that spoke to me about that and the thing that i'm learning so clearly is that i never dreamed how hard it would be to walk through Colin's journey and his fight to the end with his disease...but honestly, i was never fully prepared for how difficult the "after it all" would be. I mean, spiritually, with others carrying us on prayer and surrounding us both physically and, i have to do it on my own. My relationship with God has grown, changed, bloomed, and stretched me to limits i never thought possible, but it is my own...and now is where i have to dig in and get dirty and keep going, praying like crazy i'm prepared for any other battle that comes my way! This has been the most difficult but the most beautiful part of my journey. Most days i go to bed feeling like i've failed miserably in more ways than i can count, but knowing that only God can fill where i come up painfully short, and that He will grant me another day to try again! There is true beauty in ashes, i've never understood that statement so clearly. So as this month of January is usually the longest month at the best of times, the plan is to pray for the "me" to step aside and let God do the extraordinary however He see's fit to do so!
Keegan's sound asleep and it's time for me to have some warm soup and get under a blanket for some quiet time of my own!
Keep warm! Enjoy the day, hopefully from an inside spot!
Love, Melissa

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I can't believe how fast time is flying by so far in this new year! I just remembered that the 5th of this month marked Colin's 6 month birthday in Heaven. It has probably been like the blink of an eye for him up there, but here, a lot of these days have been like an eternity. I can't believe he's been gone 6 some of you reading, it may not seem like that much time, but i guess there's something to be said about being submerged in this reality day in and day out. There's no release from the fact that it's just me and the boys...i feel like i've been able to settle in even more though. I mean that i'm feeling even more like myself again...i forgot what that feels like and i don't think i'm in my entirelty yet. It's good but it's lonely at times. I miss so much how beautiful Colin made me feel, whether i was in my Sunday best coming down the stairs from our room, or just in my favorite sweats and a warm hoodie. There was never a day that he didn't tell me he loved me with everything in him, and there wasn't a day that i doubted i was the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. That's a difficult gear to switch, and i can tell you that my pep talks to myself definitely don't get the point across so effectively. Corban does his best, he's such a sweetie, he tells me quite often that he thinks i'm pretty and then Keegan pipes up and starts copying him, so i'm a lucky girl cuz the boys are filling in now that Colin's gone.
School started up for Corban again, and he's not the most excited about it, so the first day back was a battle of coaxing him on the bus through his tears and my guilt for not wrapping him up in my arms and keeping from the big bad world...BUT i'm getting to know how Corban is, self conscious and it doesn't take much to make him nervous, qualities i'm not sure are from the way he is naturally wired or from losing his Daddy and not having that male influence to daily build his confidence. Why does life have to throw us such curve balls, it's not fair for him to have to go through life this way, and it's like a knife in my heart that i feel so powerless to handle and help him through.
Keegan is growing up, talking WAY more and i sure love how cuddly he is when we're the only one's at home on school days. I love our simple conversations with so much emotion and expression, it's such a sweet thing...even the way he talks about Daddy. The things he has retained and that are still now coming to the surface...even he had a little cry the other day about missing Daddy.
Well, i guess all in all, we're just plugging along doing ok, thanking God for each day and the blessings in it. Like Corban says, "we gotta keep a thankful heart, right Mommy?"
I pray this finds each of you well, and i pray that each one reading finds the many blessings all around you!
Love, Melissa
ps...i just want you to know how blessed i feel having you still reading this blog..makes me feel less alone in it all, i so appreciate the time spent just wondering how we're doing! Thank You! You'll never know how much it means to me!