Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'm feeling the need to be candid with u right's been a huge struggle for me the past few weeks or so as to how two "little" ones...whom I love and adore have this ability to beat me down and frey every last nerve I can must be a mixture of winter and this HORRIBLY LONG month among other things! Keegan has decided to throw a curve ball at me and cut his naps as well as wake everyone up at ungodly hours of the morning...if I could even call it morning...I'm tired...and the days r long and yes I'm complaining...this is hard...Even right now as i'm typing this, i am in the midst of the biggest battle of wills i've had to date with keegan. He is crying in his room for me to come, and here i sit not going up until he stops crying. I don't have the answers, which is why i can only pray and beg God to give me some sort of insight to be able to get through to him. I feel disheveled and beaten down...and this discourages me but also has brought perspective for me...with my dearest little men come with them their sweet little problems (although they seem like mountains for us all at the time)...and with age and maturity (or lack there of)...come a pile of BIG problems...I need to stay thankful and humbled that somehow God chose this path for me...for reasons I'm realizing r true blessings. Things like being able to empathize and relate to others whom r also single parents. My boys r so precious but so often...I choose dishes or cleaning over that sacred time with them, and before long that time will have passed me by...I pray I keep that in mind...Jesus keep my perspective where it matters most! I need to keep making sure i'm parenting in a way that brings Glory to God...something that humbles and terrifies me! Some days r so good and others are just a series of uphill battles...we have all been there, i find comfort in knowing i'm not the only one! I just felt the need to vent, hoping u don't mind it!
Aside from this, the boys r good! Corban is losing teeth...#2 is about ready to fall out and he loves being around people and spending time with his aunt and uncle and cousins...Keegan is a sweetheart...stubborn and persisent at times but a mischievous little sweetheart and we r in that stage where he tries every bit of patience I have...but his heart is so sweet and he is SO colorful in his actions and reactions...and lately both boys would talk every minute of the day if I let them! Makes me smile...and appreciate what my parents must have gone thru raising me;)

It's Colin's birthday tomorrow (26th)...the second one without him being here...he would have been 31!! I can guaruntee u I would be buggin him just like I bug my brother and Nat about being over 30:)..oops! sorry for throwing that out there! ;)
We woulda had ice cream and supper with my family...who knows what me and the boys would have found for him for a present...that thought is so unsettling right now...who knows...I don't know what he would have been into at this point or been excited to want to have for his's been a year and a half already...and so quickly u forget those teeny tiny scares me to death that I'm not going to remember things for when the boys want to know certain details....and at times in the last week...guilt has crept in and made its home in my mind....because reality is...He's not here anymore...I will always love him...he was my first "one true love"...he gave me so much love and happiness and he blessed me with the boys...but I can't possibly move forward if I'm not allowing myself to let go...but how do you let go and prevent the time and distance in making you forget? I feel caught between a rock and hard place...and naturally there will be things that we r gonna forget...I guess I'm thankful for our memories thru so many pictures and videos...
And in being honest with all of these thoughts...I second guess myself on these kinds of posts because half the time they don't make sense to's kind of just what's swirling around inside that I need to get out or I'll explode! I need to be honest and real and I guess in doing that I take a risk of exposing myself. It's kind of a scary place to be, but it frees me as well. i'm on this crazy cool path of discovering who God made me to be and how He is using these events and experiences in my life to rewire my heart and mind. i'm realizing that there are things about me which i need some constant prayer and working on...i'm a pleaser...who knew?! well, maybe the people closest to me knew all along, but i'm just figuring out what God wants to teach me through this, and try my darnest to have Him rewire these stubborn tendancies in me...the list is WAY too long to share in the things i feel like He wants me to shed and do some "house cleaning" to make more room for His presence in me, but i'm workin on it! My perspective is changing...who am i in God's huge master plan?! Why am i so quick to live so selfishly that He is here for me, and not that i am here for this time for HIM....these switches have come from a book we are studying through on wednesday mornings called "crazy love" by Francis'm humbled and convicted and in awe, and so thankful...and we are only in the first Chapter! More growing pains...they hurt...
Now, i feel like i've unloaded what i need too, Keegan is still crying, and so the waiting game goes on...Jesus please bring a resolve that teaches both of us what we need to differently to be better!
I guess there are some days that i'm not afraid to admit that i have started the bedtime countdown...and yes my friends, it's just after lunch!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

So my saved copy of a half blog post in Microsoft Word is just going to have to wait...For some reason, my inspiration seems to be best thought out when written off the top of my head...and today i'm inspired!
It has become evidently clear to me in the last couple days that God is reminding me of a really cool thing. The amazing simplicity of our faith doesn't happen in the troubled times and crises of life. Although God wants nothing more than to lead us through the fire in safety and protection...and believe me when i say i've experienced first hand the power of prayer and protection in our darkest moments in life! BUT How dare we sell God short of living true freedom and the abundance of blessing by ONLY coming to Him in those toughest of times...God desires to shower His love and provisions over us EACH day...good and bad, sickness and health...if its so easy for us to make those vows and promises to our spouses and family members...why do we forget our Creator?! Afterall, His plans for us are perfect and His timing is exact and calculated to bring about such Grace and peace and JOY...How dare we sell Him short of all that He could do in and through us?! i made a promise to God and to myself that once things settled down in our lives, that things wouldn't settle down in my faith...that lukewarm laziness that happens when we really dont NEED God, because life is good and things are going well for us...To be truly honest, I experienced a revival, an awakening in my soul in the darkest moments of my deepest pain and loss...and i have to say that i am forever changed from grieves me to think i used to be the kind of person to really come to the Feet of Jesus only when i had a, the kids, Colin's job related...How dare I use such a selfless and Holy God at my disposal and kick Him aside when i felt i could do life better...i'm convicted but also humbled that God would still choose to keep loving me, keep using me, and want to keep growing me...and now that those changes have happened and that awakening is in me...i'm excited!! i'm excited to see things happening around me, God awakening others and drawing us closer so we can grow together! 2012 is a year that i have a quiet anticipation for what God wants to do in my family and friends lives and its going to be a year of being blessed in our faith and in growing and learning what God desires for us!
My Utmost For His Highest puts it so perfectly (excuse my paraphrasing), So often our prayers are only prayed when we have a need and we eagerly expect the answers we desire...but in essence, God's heart's cry for our prayers to be a way to be close to Him, whether we seek answers or just to talk...He is ALWAYS there, and believe it or not, He too, has so much He wants to share with us!
I am SO encouraged by the fact that our Faith is a journey of growth and learning...if we really grasp the importance of our relationship with Christ, we can't stay in one spot, as life throws us battles and experiences, we don't ever stay the same, nor does our relationships with our people close to us, and nor should our relationship with our God!
AND how cool is it that this morning in church our pastor is so very pointedly preaching on breathing new life into our spiritual growth...that our faith has to change and grow or else, we're going to seriously miss out!! Hold on, this new year has come and if we're not careful, we can miss out on so much of the inspiration that God wants to use to change us and breathe new life in us!

One thing i do want to add is that this Christmas was such a welcomed change from last year...We welcomed being at home enjoying time with family and friends and of course having Keegan get a bad case of croupe right before, we barely made it to Christmas without him being hospitalized...but God was good, He allowed us to all stay home and get healthy and enjoy our quiet rest! I have ALWAYS loved staying at home for Christmas and although the sting was still there that Colin couldnt be with us on Christmas morning to watch the boys open gifts, the 3 of us talked a lot about what Daddy was doing with Jesus and what kinds of festivies would be happening in Heaven for His Birthday! What a party that would be!!
AND to ring in the new year...the boys finally saved enough money for their fish!! i have promised them fish for a long time so we enjoyed taking a family field trip to the pet store to get them each a fish and a little tank and all the decorations to make the fishies comfortable in their new home!
So now its January, and even though this time of year always makes me a bit sad...that my favorite time of year has once again come to an end, and that January seems to be the longest most boring month out of the entire year...i'm looking forward to the adventures of what we can accomplish and to what God has to show us!!

I am not one to send out Christmas cards or holiday letters, but i guess this is what's on my heart at the moment and i just thought i would share it, if only to get it out and process through it for myself...i pray u can take tidbits and be encouraged or challenged in what God has for you this coming year!

Blessings to you and yours,