Friday, June 17, 2011

The most vividly clear memory in my head of the day Colin died was my first real, formed thought after getting off of the bed and walking out of our bedroom for the very last time with him...was this..."How on earth am i going to survive Father's Day"...I don't know why out of all of the 'firsts' and dreaded lonely holidays and special occasions we would have to face, this one stood out...but i guess Mother's Day and Father's day was our special day to show one another how special and very amazing we thought one another was at being a parent...since our boys are still kinda young to understand the importance of the day, we would do our very best in our own individual ways of making each other feel so loved and special. A day to celebrate the precious gift of being entrusted with these sweet perfect little one's. It also just so happens to be Corban's last day of Kindergarten which is the first real thing that from beginning to end, Colin was not apart of. I'm so very proud of my little man, but so very sad because i knew just how badly Colin wanted to hang on, to be able to take Corban to his first day of's these occasions and day's like today when all the dad's were to go to the school for "Donuts for Dad's", which Papa and Uncle Andrew so perfectly filled in for...and then tonite for my little boy's kindergarten graduation that i think shock is still lifting that we don't have Colin with just shouldn't have to be like this for my's not fair that they don't have their loving, patient Daddy to be their #1 fan, cheering them on...and spending their summer holidays training for the adventures that only Daddy's and son's get to do together.
I do also need to say Thank you to the males in our life that do give so generously of their time to fill that void with my boys...we are blessed beyond measure, but it does sting so badly to see them have to go through these holidays different from everyone else.
To my big brother have risen to the task of not only being an amazing support as my brother but an amazing role for my boys to love and look up too, making sure to not only make time for your own kids, but also make my boys feel loved and cared for from a Dad's perspective! You are incredible and I love you beyond words! I could never say thank you enough for how you and Nat have supported me and the boys! I know Colin had to have chatted with God about your getting the job and moving here, but i bet you that he is missing the fact that he's not here to enjoy you...please keep him in mind on the golf course and in the dressingroom, k?!

Finally to my Dad, who without any word or second thought has helped us in every way imaginable...from making sure you talked with Colin before he passed away and followed through with each one of his last wishes and still to this day you are keeping to your word to watch over me and the boys! From the work you put in to plan the funeral and take care of everything to get me back on my feet through those first few months, to being a phone call away when i had water leaks in my basement to mowing my lawn and taking care of the garage and maintainance around our house. You have been a pillar of strength and faith and I am SO proud of who you are and to be called your daughter! Thank you for ALL you do and for how you love so intensely...thank you for your heart of wanting the best for your kids and the very best for your grandkids....We are blessed...and i pray God's RISHEST blessings over you in the things HE has for you! Thank you for being the Godly example my boys need to see in a man as they grow and thank you for taking over the wrestling role as they get bigger and hurt me:) From the very depths of my being, thank you!!! I love you more than words! Please forgive me for not being in a celebratory mood this Father's Day, but i promise you...we are SO thankful for you everyday of the year! XOXO

Well this emotion that i have been feeling since about Wednesday has finally emerged and the floodgates have opened...i should stop before my eyes get puffy..there are many pictures to be taken at my little man's graduation tonite, i need to look my best for him!!
To all of the Dad's and to those who so generously fill in the gaps for those who need a Father's Love...THANK YOU! You are loved and you are so much appreciated for the tireless work you do day in and day out, to provide for your families in so many ways...THANK YOU!!
Happy Father's Day!
Love, Melissa

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Heartbreak is a powerful thing...but i think the stigma that sticks with having your heart broken is that is always has to be an unbelievably painful experience. I have to disagree. What i have come to realize is that having your heart broken brings me to this amazing place of being desperate for anything i can gain in my relationship with my Jesus. Its sad that it’s those painful points if we so choose to use them for growth are the one’s that bring us to the feet of Jesus...i think that was one of the biggest lessons going through Colin’s battle with cancer and how it broke down every wall of comfort and normalcy...i learned to live in that constant state of desperation for setting my sites on Jesus because nothing else matters. If my eyes are focused, somehow i’m not so surprised at the tough stuff in life. He gives me this ability to weed out what really doesn’t matter and feed me with the life lessons that i need to learn and grow from. No verse in the Bible ever promised an easy ride...there were no promises of things being painless...but we do have thousands of promises that HE is with us, and won’t ever allow us to go through it alone, HE promises to guide and protect us from the dangers of what comes to prey on our broken hearts! I am so thankful that i have a constant safe haven. Somewhere to hide and know that there is a God who cares enough to shield me from the depths of hurt that can accompany that dreaded heartbreak. Now, i’m not so afraid of it anymore...i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!
What an honor it was to be apart of our local Relay 4 Life a few weeks ago...our team was really our family...our closest support system of people who carried us through our cancer battle. It was just so fitting to be there, laughing and talking and reliving old memories when life was just simple and fun! And Oh yes, although some had to go sleep to be functioning parents the next day, we appreciated any time from the one’s we love!!! There were 7 of us that stayed awake the entire nite, and let me tell you, i am remotely young still, but honestly...I am not so cut out for all-niters anymore! I guess that’s what kids to do a person! Hehe! It was this beautiful event that emcompassed celebrating the lives of loved one’s and remembering the most amazing people that we miss so desperately each day! My favourite moments were talking to Colin’s best friends and reliving all of those cool old memories that we had over 10 years ago!
I am the luckiest girl in the world...Well, i choose to see as God’s blessing me with friends whom i’ve had in my life since i was in the early years of grade school...not everyday i get to look around and see all those who are close to me have been close to me since i was young....we are truly family now...those people who dropped their lives and put everything on hold to carry Colin and I and our boys...i will say it till the day i die, i am forever grateful and pray God’s richest blessings over each one!
How cool is it, that my family is completely surrounding me....literally, my parents live a few blocks one way and Andy and Nat a bit more than a few blocks in the other direction. My family is one in a million and i look forward to being able to have a random family BBQ on a warm Sunday nite....i’m full, in every sense of the word...filled to the brim of God’s goodness and mom’s great cooking!
This coming week will be Corban’s last week of Kindergarten and it’s hard to believe summer is here and soon, Grade 1 and full time school will come for my little sweet boy! I pray the time doesn’t pass by too i can just soak him in! My little Keegie bear is already ripping up and down the street on his big boy bike with training wheels, not even 3 yet, and he’s following hard in his big brother’s footsteps, has to do everything the big boys do!
Anyhoo, i should go...only have a bit of down time before i will fall asleep standing up if i’m not careful...boy oh boy....boys make u tired, but i guess it is kids in general!
Ok! Happy Sunday or what’s left of it
I won’t let it go this long before i write again!
Love, Melissa