Monday, November 29, 2010

The Making of New Memories!

Well...this weekend has come and gone, and today (being Corban's actual birthday) was a good day to make new holiday memories as well as celebrate our dearest Corban being SO BIG!!! We had our whole family here, mom and dad, Andy and Nat and the kids...let me tell you how cool it is to all be together on a random Monday night!!!! We are so thankful to have Andy and Nat and the kids close...Uncle Andy was the Project Manager helping us set up the Christmas tree and do the ribbons and the lights...making sure it was done right and looking good! I got the kids a little Charlie Brown looking Christmas tree for our main living room...they could do whatever they wanted to it and while tree docorating was in progress, in true "Mommy" style, we had to have a dance party to Mariah Carey Christmas!!! So all the kids were jumping and singin and we were all laughing and honestly having a great time. I'm determined to keep our little family unit close and making new memories because i know that God has given us each day together...however long and draining it is for me, my sweet boys deserve fun adventures! Speaking of fun adventures, the three of us got all dressed up for playing in the snow and went out and found a cute little hill we could sled down! Let me tell you, i had the most fun i've had in a long time, and after the past week we had, it was about time to just relax and have fun with my boys! It still stings much more fun the boys would've had to have their Daddy rolling down the hills with them...

i just finished watching the last of our "daddy" videos on my video camera...what precious memories we were able to capture for us to have! I didn't even cry, i how we tried to make each waking moment a memory. To love intensly know that those moments were our last. But the greatest gift is that I dont' have any regrets...i'm just incredibly blessed to have those precious family memories, knowing that someday our boys will hold those videos so closely never doubting that in every image, their Daddy loved them so completely!
I made it, through another one of the tougher stretches...God is still growing me through these times, and i think i'm clinging closer now than i ever have, but there's nowhere else i'd rather be!
i'm gonna go have tea and sit by the Christmas tree:)
Love, Melissa

Saturday, November 27, 2010

ok, so the inevitable is here...Corban's baby is 5 years old, i can't even believe where the time has gone. Oh to gracefully get through this weekend...i am also planning on getting our Christmas decorations out and up..Thankfully my mom and Nat declared it a family affair so i won't be by myself to do it. To be honest i've been pushing this off, just not thinking about it cuz i don't really want to do this stuff alone...BUT i won't allow Satan to steal my JOY. This past week, i have to confess, was one of the worst weeks in a very long time...i've been growing SO much in my relationship with God so the days have kicked off to this amazing start and each day, gradually just gets worse...i've been hit hard with the point that i am crippled as a single parent. I feel like all i do some days is discipline and get mad and play the middle man between the two boys, and i don't want them to start to resent me or push me away because of that. Lately, if i let my guard down and give them an inch, they gang up and take a mile. I know that these are lies and that i am capable and i am sufficient right now, but man, i'm exhasuted from being emotionally attacked.
whoa..i just got a call from Corban's bus driver, she was talking with him yesturday at his bus stop and asked where his Daddy was...whether he worked out of town or something...Corban told her that his Daddy died and that it was his fault because Colin carried him too much and that's why he started having his back pain. Oh wow, where do i even start, and my heart is breaking because this is pain that i just can't spare him from, i can't make it go away or even lessen it. I just wonder some days if i can get them through this without too many scars...i have just been talking with Corban and i asked him honestly if he thought it was his fault, and he said no, but when things come out of his mouth, i guess it's just good i'm aware that he had a thought like that, however fleeting it may be...i'm gonna go pray with him and talk about this and try to shed some light and just keep affirming him...i'll use the information as a tool that i need to help us through...
Can I ask for some prayers of strength and wisdom and that God's healing touch can be over us as we hit some more bumps...that we can stay tightly by HIS side and be safe in HIS ARMS:)
Love, Melissa

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A little piece of my Heart.

Help me to be patient in my pain because i don't want to ruin the blessings You have for me in us travelling this journey together. Teach me to keep my eyes and my heart fixed on You, in hope that You, and only You can meet my every need. Thank You that there is beauty in suffering and thank you for continuing to reveal Your heart for me as You teach me what it means to be a woman of God. I praise You for my healing and for this road of recovery that i walk each day! Thank You for holding my hand and showing me the beauty and the rich blessings all around me. I am in awe of the Warrior God I experienced in You fighting the battle of Colin's cancer for us and I am so honored to see and experience Your equally tender and loving heart in the aftermath. You eminate what true beauty is and each day I want to be more like You but i fall so desperately short. Thank You that Your love fills the holes of my imperfections and injects hope where my own human strength runs out. I love You, Thank You for loving me inspite of all of my shortcomings.
For now, i'll wait...and i will continue to trust in You, Lord, in every circumstance...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Trust Me...

Well, i guess i've been silently waiting for this moment to come. It's been great that time, up until this point, has been passing relatively smoothly. I mean, we have our moments and sometimes our days, and we cry but there has been a good amount of distractions around to keep me busy and the time passes each day quite nicely! But the last little bit, i've found myself looking at the clocks a little more often, and the thoughts of having it blatently clear that I am alone and the only adult in our home is being driven home a little more than i'd like. I'm understanding the family dynamic in a whole new light that i never realized before. The beauty in how God placed each family member in a specific and unique role, how we have something vital to contribute, to feed each other and become this beautiful sheltered environment that operates so perfectly in itself. I so desperately miss that feeling of being "complete". I know, the textbook advice is to allow God to fill that void, and be that role for me and the kids to make us complete. I have to say that although God and I have been through the fires of life's devastation, i'm having a tough time with this one. I guess that in my impatience (a quality i seem to have picked up along my way through life)I expect that this will be felt and just "happen", but i'm slowly learning that I have to learn this new "role" that i'm expecting God to fill. I've always looked at my relationship with the God of the universe to be that father to daughter type of a role, this larger than life being that created me and everything around me, but for Him to love me as a "husband" would love his wife is just something i'm praying for more understanding on. I guess i'm kind of going through a process of mourning layered losses. I know that doesn't make sense just in itself, but let me go more indepth with what i mean. I am grieving for my boys, the loss of those very big and also the very little things that people take for granted, like, when someone asks, "What does your Daddy do for a living?", or those funny little things boys say to each other like, "My Daddy could beat your Daddy at hockey". I miss the precious sound of a child's voice yelling "DADDY" followed by the pitter patter of running feet to jump in for a BIG hug when he gets in the door.
Colin and I shared a lot in our marriage, not only being in a partnership in keeping our household and daily routine but in parenting and i'm mourning that loss and those effects on our boys as they grow up.
I'm grieving a loss of myself as just being able to be a balanced wife and mom...I didn't get to be a wife since Colin was diagnosed because, i can't entirely explain it, but i had to step into a "caregiver" role that spun me into this high-strung, worrier for trying to make sure everyone was taken care of...i'm remembering what my role was in Colin's journey, and i'm sad that we had such separate roles to play...the impossibility of really actually being a family towards the end breaks my heart but i know that we operated in God's timing and in God's perfection to provide comfort and closure and to love our loved one's. I refuse to let the enemy, who only looks out to steal the blessings in this life that God is giving me, i refuse to let him hook in and feed me lies about regrets or worries...I know, i know, i know, God, I trust YOU...I just have to focus on that simple thing. Amidst it all, I feel like I can hear God whisper, "Just keep watching Me, keep focused on Me, I have the Master Plan, I'm going to navigate you through, I promise YOU. Trust ME"
So, I guess after unloading this tonight, I have to pick myself back up and regroup and look UP and keep focussed.
At the end of the month is Corban's birthday, then Christmas, and i feel like it's the last big path of "firsts" we have to get through. I guess i've just never realized how magical the Christmas season is, when it's been just me, doing the shopping and working through our Christmas lists. It's hit me like a ton of bricks, emotionally, i mean.
Sorry for the mishmash of thoughts, I just had to get them out, I kind of felt like I was going to explode!
Well, maybe sleep will come more easily with that out!
I pray there will be some sense into what i've typed, but there has been such healing in this for me, I pray God can use my words...
Sweet Dreams..
Love, Melissa

Friday, November 5, 2010

What's Happenin'

Well, where do i begin? It feels like forever ago that i updated you all on how life is going and what we've been filling our time with these days! I feel like we've been busy these past few weeks, but looking back, my mind goes blank with what exactly we were doing! Ha! I can tell you truthfully, that with each passing day, i am feeling more and more like myself again! I feel like me and the boys are in a good place right now, i do still pray everyday that i can be cut in half and multiplied...just so more time can separately be spent with each precious little boy! I just have to trust that God's love is going to do so much filling in the cracks and spaces where i just can't! I still have these flashbacks every so often of what each day was like being with Colin, having him so sick, even looking back at some pictures, the cancer changed him so drastically physically, and i didn't even notice it until now, going through the pictures. I guess God was protecting me, He knew Colin needed me focused on caring for him, so the rest of it just didn't matter, because through sickness and health, well, i just never thought my marriage vows would ever really fully be put to the test!
We have been enjoying spending time with friends and family, and just this last week a great friend of ours offered to take some family photos for the three of us!!! It had been something that had been on my mind for so long and since i wasn't doing anything proactive about, God took matters into His own hands and sent someone to help me out in that area! What a blessing! I've only seen a few pictures so far, but oh my boys! I thought i was in love with them before, but seeing their sweetness captured in a picture, I could just stare at them all day! i'm so proud with how did on that day, too, with a little candies to fill in the cracks, i'm hoping we got some good one's to work with!
God is also showing me what He can do if i can begin to realize my dreams again! This past week, a lifelong dream for me came true. I was able to actually go into a real, live, recording studio and record some background vocals for a friend who is in the midst of preparing her own Cd!!!! Wowee, it was the coolest thing and i was SO nervous, but when i prayed before i went in, all i wanted was to try to enjoy myself and make God proud! It lit a fire to sing more, and maybe dream bigger than i ever have before, in this area!
This coming weekend Andy and Nat are moving down! Wow, there's another HUGE God thing, i only wish my words would make clear how much we've felt God take care of every detail and bless them HUGE along the way! It will be so nice to have them close, a dream come true for sure! Thank YOU Jesus for blessing us!
I also know that Colin's parents are also beginning to make their new place a home as well!
Other than this stuff, i'm just taking each day as it comes, and trying to see God's blessings in all of it....and i'm praying for patience in what God has next for me and the boys! I'm content to just enjoy the friends and family and blessings all around me...God is SO good!
i'll keep you posted on what's to come, i'm still figuring that out myself, so i'll keep you up to speed when God brings me up to speed! haha;)