Trust Me...

Well, i guess i've been silently waiting for this moment to come. It's been great that time, up until this point, has been passing relatively smoothly. I mean, we have our moments and sometimes our days, and we cry but there has been a good amount of distractions around to keep me busy and the time passes each day quite nicely! But the last little bit, i've found myself looking at the clocks a little more often, and the thoughts of having it blatently clear that I am alone and the only adult in our home is being driven home a little more than i'd like. I'm understanding the family dynamic in a whole new light that i never realized before. The beauty in how God placed each family member in a specific and unique role, how we have something vital to contribute, to feed each other and become this beautiful sheltered environment that operates so perfectly in itself. I so desperately miss that feeling of being "complete". I know, the textbook advice is to allow God to fill that void, and be that role for me and the kids to make us complete. I have to say that although God and I have been through the fires of life's devastation, i'm having a tough time with this one. I guess that in my impatience (a quality i seem to have picked up along my way through life)I expect that this will be felt and just "happen", but i'm slowly learning that I have to learn this new "role" that i'm expecting God to fill. I've always looked at my relationship with the God of the universe to be that father to daughter type of a role, this larger than life being that created me and everything around me, but for Him to love me as a "husband" would love his wife is just something i'm praying for more understanding on. I guess i'm kind of going through a process of mourning layered losses. I know that doesn't make sense just in itself, but let me go more indepth with what i mean. I am grieving for my boys, the loss of those very big and also the very little things that people take for granted, like, when someone asks, "What does your Daddy do for a living?", or those funny little things boys say to each other like, "My Daddy could beat your Daddy at hockey". I miss the precious sound of a child's voice yelling "DADDY" followed by the pitter patter of running feet to jump in for a BIG hug when he gets in the door.
Colin and I shared a lot in our marriage, not only being in a partnership in keeping our household and daily routine but in parenting and i'm mourning that loss and those effects on our boys as they grow up.
I'm grieving a loss of myself as just being able to be a balanced wife and mom...I didn't get to be a wife since Colin was diagnosed because, i can't entirely explain it, but i had to step into a "caregiver" role that spun me into this high-strung, worrier for trying to make sure everyone was taken care of...i'm remembering what my role was in Colin's journey, and i'm sad that we had such separate roles to play...the impossibility of really actually being a family towards the end breaks my heart but i know that we operated in God's timing and in God's perfection to provide comfort and closure and to love our loved one's. I refuse to let the enemy, who only looks out to steal the blessings in this life that God is giving me, i refuse to let him hook in and feed me lies about regrets or worries...I know, i know, i know, God, I trust YOU...I just have to focus on that simple thing. Amidst it all, I feel like I can hear God whisper, "Just keep watching Me, keep focused on Me, I have the Master Plan, I'm going to navigate you through, I promise YOU. Trust ME"
So, I guess after unloading this tonight, I have to pick myself back up and regroup and look UP and keep focussed.
At the end of the month is Corban's birthday, then Christmas, and i feel like it's the last big path of "firsts" we have to get through. I guess i've just never realized how magical the Christmas season is, when it's been just me, doing the shopping and working through our Christmas lists. It's hit me like a ton of bricks, emotionally, i mean.
Sorry for the mishmash of thoughts, I just had to get them out, I kind of felt like I was going to explode!
Well, maybe sleep will come more easily with that out!
I pray there will be some sense into what i've typed, but there has been such healing in this for me, I pray God can use my words...
Sweet Dreams..
Love, Melissa