Thursday, March 31, 2011

A New Day...

So i think i need to give a 'Thank You' to my Auntie Dawna, who respectfully informed me a few days ago that although she enjoys reading my blog, it was missing the "Me" element! Ok, then it occured to me, a flashback if you will travel with the exact time Colin created this here "blog". We were exhausted from the dozen upon dozens of phone calls and trying to get the word out about what was happening in our world, when Colin's mom suggested we create a blog to have a detailed account straight from the source on all the details. Then we only had to share it once, and whoever wanted to find out could read the facts. I remember sitting down at the computer with Colin, i was sitting on his lap, while he was fussing with the template and the color font and background. Weird. It's so weird how tiny little details come flooding back seeping with so many specific little things that i can remember. It's like it's palpable...i can remember everything that happened in those moments. It's been an entire year since Colin had his relapse, which has affected me in a whole other dimension i never really thought it would. I remember what i was doing when deep down in my heart of hearts, i knew that the cancer was back. Even though it was 2 weeks after that, that we had gotten rediagnosed...The second time around was the most intensely horrific and painful thing i have ever's those flashbacks i almost have to choose not to relive, because i find myself spiraling into a tailspin of pain, and it stings more than i want it to. I think it's good though...those memories keep me grounded in the very real fact that all we have is this day in front of us...i need not worry, i don't think i can have that tug-of-war with a God who so perfectly takes care of all of the details in my world with little to no need for me at all! BUT that HE chooses me, little ol' me, He wants to show me His love in each day and use me for His purposes to love so deeply those around me! What an honour! I remember thinking so many days in the hospital how refreshing it would feel to just be able to be a friend, to love with nothing holding me back, those around me! There was nothing i wanted to do more than love the way people were loving us! Now i get to do that, everyday!!!! That is the biggest blessing and God has given in this recovery process~such a gift! I love seeing each day as an open door, endless possibilities, makes me smile with all the adventures that await us!
Anyhoo, i'll see what i think about this new Blog layout, seemed fittingly springy, hope the weather follows suit!
Love Melissa

Monday, March 28, 2011

I'm listening to the most amazing song by Sean McConnell, "Madly In Love With You". To me, it's a love song from my loving Jesus...i discovered it just shortly after Colin went to Heaven. At first it made me cry, healing tears, missing Colin tears, but now, as i listen to it, it makes me smile. A comforting feeling knowing that my Jesus and my beloved Colin are both up there, hangin out, speaking to me through these words! Some of the words are SO rich with comfort, about how I wish i could understand what the plan is in it's entirety, but that i need not lose my faith in the God who knows ALL, but cling to those little things. Like the sun shining, or a beautiful morning sunrise, a kiss and a hug from my boys, being around my family and friends and the people i love and who love us. Those are the things that God uses to show me that He's so completely and madly in love with me! His love is seeping out from every area of his creation, if only i can switch my view and set my sights on those things! Nothing else seems to matter much when i'm choosing to surround myself in that all-encompassing love that is mine for the taking!!!
The sun is trying it's best to come out today, it's been a few days since i've seen it...and felt it's warmth...i miss that yummy warm sun! i'm hurtin to have it peer through my windows in the mornings while i have my coffee!
The boys are doing good! Corban is loving school these days, i'm headed to school with him tomorrow to be his parent helper for the last time in his Kindergarten career. I can't believe that he'll be finished his first year of school in a few short months! My Corban is growing up so very fast, i feel the need to press the pause button, but he won't have any of that, he's determined to be the biggest boy he can be, helping with his dishes after meals, with helping care for keegan...but my most favorite part, is that he's always up for a really good cuddle with mommy! i pray he doesn't grow out of that anytime soon! He still blows me kisses from the window on his school bus...almost makes me cry, as i know those days will be numbered...hence the need for a short time with the pause button on....i am, however, looking forward to have Nat and the kids here this summer...oh boy, i don't know if she quite knows what she's in for, i'll have her days so packed full of swimming and parks and sunning ourselves...i can't wait! Maybe it's my intense need to have a much-needed visit from Mr. Sun!!! lol...oh boy, i should go...Keegan needs some help with his lunch. i'm finding that although he is intensely independent with the majority of things, he still needs mommy...which i'm grateful for, he's also so cuddly and i pray it doesn't get grown out of anytime soon...there's nothing closer to heaven than having them in my arms being cuddled up under a blanket! Mmmmm...LOVE!!!
ok, well i should go here, only so much time before the rowdiness comes out and they have to be reeled back in to sit and eat their lunch!
Happy Monday!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

So...How bout that weather hey?! hehe, ya i'm thinkin this winter is getting a little old as we round out the end of MARCH!!!! But, as the snow fell at the beginning of this week, my boys have been such good sharer's of the nasty chest cold going around! It was a good quiet week to stay home and get them back to 100%...well mission accomplished with Corban, he's back at school today, but my poor little Keegan is a few days behind him, still fighting a high fever and laboured breathing..he always gets it worse, this too shall pass! Lots of fluids and even more cuddles should do the trick just nicely! Seeing as how the stretch from January until now has been some of the longest i've covered so far, i thought that this latest bout of sickness would make me miserable...but i'm learning a really valuable's more of a gift than anything else.
I think i've been going about this concept of God's Plan for my life all wrong, or just a little backwards. I always think in future tense..."I wonder what God has for my future, where He's going to take me?!" but it just occured to me that each day is all I have. Every moment i'm awake and breathing is God's future for unfolding plan. My purpose. What an unsettling thought...In God's mind, He has such dreams for each moment i'm breathing but when JEsus was sent in our place to die for all the crap in this world, God's beloved people suddenly also were blessed and cursed with a choice. A free will to decide how we want to shape our each and every day. I'm convicted by how much time i waste busying myself with tasks when i have the blessing of being at home with my boys, or when i have the choice to wake up with a smile and thank God for the coming day, and instead i, "put on my grumpy pants" (as Corban so eloquantly describes it). What rich blessings i'm missing out on, by my own hat goes off to those single parents and those mom's and dad's who are separated by work that have to hold down the fort alone, it's not easy, but God never ever promised easy. He promised He would walk with us, go before us, carry us...there are so many moments that i look up and think that Colin was my better half in more ways than i can count BUT again, God is reshaping my thinking in removing my need to prove to myself that i can do this...To letting go and giving up that control to HIM! By choosing to be teachable and moldable and submitting to a God who loves me more than i could ever understand or imagine. I need to be honest though, this parenting thing is hard, and on days like the past couple that we've had, it's all i can do to just get through and slump in a pile at the end and count it a triumph that we all survived! God has more...if only i stop and look around...still myself long enough to recieve it. This is a lesson i'm gonna keep trying to get...and when i fall flat, yet again, which i'm guarunteed to do...the beauty of His Grace is sufficient, especially for me! Thank God for that!

ps...i'm on the road of conciously choosing JOY, Thanking God for my days, and i can't tell you the peace, contentment and happiness i have...i'm excited to see what God has for each day...where those "little blessings" come up, they don't seem so little to me anymore, they are the mountain tops of my day! I have a renewed sense of purpose that God can use me, simply just by being open to recieve how i can show His love to the people He has placed in my life, and to my's not gonna be perfect, but all i have is this day, and all God asks is that i that's what i'm gonna do!
Love, Melissa

Friday, March 18, 2011

So, i have a confession to make, these next two posts have been previously written out on my kids contruction paper upstairs in seems that i still have issues with my sleeping or lack there of...and i refuse to use the word insomnia, cuz i just don't like the way it sounds...i'm just having some problems falling asleep at times. (I think when i write it out, it sounds more like denial, but i'm ok with that!)
So anyhoo, late at nite is usually when my mind is racing i get so many things that settle in my heart, so i use the time to mull it over and pray about what God wants to show here's some stuff that i've been thinking about in my late nite quests for sleep!

We all have a story. A story to which is distinctly our own. Have you ever wondered when you are stopped at a red light, what the person in vehicle next to you is going thru?! I do, i thought about it all the time when our life stopped and we began fighting cancer. I used to think that if we, in our twenties, supposedly in the prime of our lives with an open road of possibilities ahead, could have our world haulted so abruptly, i can't imagine the pain and suffering happening all around me or in the same breath the happiness and joy as well! That very thought changed caused me to think before i reacted in impatience or anger and extend grace and love because i just will never know what is going on in the lives of those around me...because i can relate, somedays it goes SO much deeper than just a bad day! The cliche saying of how when babies are born and at the same time people are taking their last breath...i thought of this the day Colin died. On the saddest most devastating day of my life, that very day was the most beautifully amazing day in someone else's. One's perspective of reality is directly affected by what's going on around them. It's in these specific season's of life that God uses to shape who we are and who He has dreamed for us to become! The pain doesn't last skies do come, but no matter what the weather or season in life, i think the key is to keep looking UP for our direction and keep praying like mad that we are covered in His Almighty Hands of protection no matter how good or bad life gets.
One sunny day in June of 2009, God took my Grandma home to Heaven and a few short hours later our little miss Myla (my niece) was born. What JOY in it all. Of knowing that one dearest loved one had finished her race and one sweet little girl was just beginning. God, in all of His infinite wisdom knew the JOY and celebration and He so strategically put this all in such rich and amazing perspective for our family. Looking back my heart is so full of thanks and my eyes have tears of knowing the comfort in God's perfect timing. On that day in June, only God knew the road we were all about to travel, that in August of that same summer everything would dramatically change. He had such a special way of using little Myla as this incredible ray of sunshine in our darkness, and together with all of our kids, we focused on the amazing promise of God's brightest future for each one of them, celebrating every little milestone and soaking in all the love and simplicity that each of our kids had to offer! What a blessing!
I can't say enough about my family, but it takes pretty darn special people to drop everything and do whatever is needed to carry us thru...and with such close knit friends surrounding us, we were all able to come through carrying each other on the other side!
I can never repay you for being there; i am and always will be eternally grateful..and i will never be the same because of your love! It's because of you that only solidifies my conviction that there is a very real God and even though bad things do happen in this, our fallen and broken world, He loves us so very much! The exciting thing is this love that i have experienced is only the tip of the ice berg!!!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Choosing JOY!!! i've been running into people who have been so thoughtful to tell me that they are still reading my blog posts and then they say in a roundabout sort of way that they are looking for an update...this has been on my "to-do" list since the beginning of last week, so i'm thinking i need to get it done! hehe!
We have been so refreshingly busy! The last week was full of media things for being involved with our local Relay 4 Life through the Canadian Cancer Society...Dad and i had the oppertunity to do a TV interview, which for Dad is not so new, BUT for me, this was my first time doing anything like it. I have to say i was horribly nervous, but once we were there, it was so much fun and very cool to be a part of! Then Dad and i also spoke at the Launch Party for the event as well! What amazing people whom we get to meet and who are working so tirelessly on putting such an incredible event together! I am working on putting some teams together from our support system, so i'll be in touch with details for sure! i am very excited to be able to give back and be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves! It's going to be a powerful way of celebrating Cancer Survivors and to be able to remember and honor those who are no longer with us! God is SO good to allow Dad and I to be sharing our story...i think i am so grateful to be hearing of other's stories as well! What hero's are amoung us and so many hero's we will be honoring!

I'm also learning how incredibly blessed I am to have had the most amazing mom! It's kinda scary how parenting has come back full circle and those things that drove my mom crazy while she was raising Andy and I are now the very things that are driving me absolutely nuts! How eerie it feels to be saying those exact words and hearing them echo from my mom's mouth years ago! I try to tell myself, if i can do just half the job she did, i'll be successful, and I pray even harder that God will protect and keep my boys and help me to raise them up to be powerful Godly men, to influence many and show the love of Jesus wherever they go and whatever they choose to do! What a responsibility to have only one shot at! yikes, there's a lot of pressure when I think of it that way!
It does take a villiage, and what an inspiring villiage we have around us, we are in good hands...I remember a talk that Colin and I had in his final days...he wanted me to know that he wasn't at all worried about leaving us, because he knew full well that we have such great people around us, we'll be ok, we ARE ok, God is SO good! This past week in all the comings and goings and business, it was one nite before bed first Corban then keegan followed, errupting into tears. It has been a long time since our last "Missing Daddy Meltdown"...but now that keegan is talking, it made it doubly heartbreaking because both boys were crying and wanting to have Daddy back. I am finding that the more the boys are growing, the less room i have to cuddle the two of them together during these times. My little keegan kept repeating, "Want Daddy to come home". It just ripped my heart apart to hear it from him. BUT It was just a good healing time to cry, to think of the things we love about Daddy and how thankful we all are to have had Daddy for the time we did...then we prayed that God would continue to heal our hearts and that we could wake each day and choose JOY and that God's JOY could be our strength when we miss Daddy! Then as i tucked Corban into his bed, and hugged him, we talked about who we were thankful for, and those who are here that we spend such great time with, making new really fun memories! We all were able to smile and go to sleep thankful for the MANY rich blessings we have around us...I have to say it again, God is still SO good! I pray that you don't need a crisis to see the richness of God's goodness around you and to be able to hold onto it like you're life depends on it!
All we have is each new day, my prayer lately has been to fully grasp the JOY that God desires for smile so much more and to enjoy whatever we are doing at that moment...speaking of which, i'm being summoned to play some ministick hockey in our bonus room, Corban's a great golie and i need to take some shots and put him in his place, for a few more years, i am still able to beat them....not for long, so i have to take advantage now! hehe!
I can't say enough how thankful i am for the one's who care to follow our journey...this life is so far from simple but that's where the crazy adventure comes from and i'm determined to enjoy it and savor the time we have as a family! I'm excited to see what God has for us!
Love, Melissa