Friday, October 22, 2010

To YOU...I give Thanks...In ALL of Life's Circumstances

Who knew that a fictional medical show i watched last night would strike such a deep cord with our recent events in real life (well, duh, i guess it's not that surprising). I think it's been building for the entire week. My thoughts have naturally been going to all the memories surrounding Colin's last year and before. With cold and flu season upon us, Keegan has been sniffly and Nana came down with a bad 24 hour flu bug that prompted some more healthy talk about what happened to Daddy. Keegan has been thinking that since Nana has a sick tummy and Daddy was sick that Nana has to go to heaven to get better. I didn't realize that lumping "sick" althogether would be so confusing for our little Keegan, so now i have needed to explain the "C" word. Daddy had cancer, his whole body was sick and Jesus wanted to take him home to heaven to really make sure he was ALL better and never again will he get sick. Nana has a germie that is making her feel sick in her tummy and she just needs to rest and Jesus can make her feel all better here with us. Little by little we'll get there, as he gets older, he'll process more and ask us more questions and i'm glad for the steps, i think it's God's way of keeping us going without overwhelming us!
Last night i had such a strong urge to look back, not too far back but just since Colin's relapse...i cried for Colin, for his pain, for how the cancer in his body ravaged his appearance and still how he so graciously took what he had been given and praised God and trusted him to carry him through all the while so aware of what had been taken from him in this life. I cried for our boys; for what they must have felt in those last days, and for how i just couldn't be there the wa i would've wanted looking back. I cried for me...the life i had always dreamed of and the loss of my best friend and my true love. I just can't quite put a finger on what i feel now the past little while, i guess that's why i haven't written an update, nothing really comes to mind; until tonite. i'm not shying away from these points of pain, it's the only way to heal, to hurt enough and be broken so that God can piece me back together. I want to be new, and whole and restored...My fear is the cost this is having on our boys. How this will effect them and shape their future, BUT again, i have to trust that God's got this major detail covered, i keep holding so tight to that promise! Psalm 55:22 "Give your worries and cares to the LORD, and He will take care of you, he will never let His people down".
I feel like right now, i am able to sit back and watch God bless those who have taken care of us...To see God work in HIS most perfect timing, and bring every last detail together is the coolest thing to watch...i just wish Colin were here to see it all unfold...our prayers are being answered, my sweetie, please can you give Jesus a HUGE hug for me, for allowing Andy and Nat to move closer...i know that we prayed so much for God to bless them for taking us in and sharing their home up in Calgary with us...i haven't stopped praying for God to carry them and all our family and friends and bless them. i just wish i could celebrate with you and give you a hug and kiss you and jump up and down and have you tell me how weird and wonderful i am to you! heehee...I don't have enough kleenex left to share their stories entirely from Andy and Nat or Colin's parent's stories of God's provision and timing, but Colin also wanted more than anything for his parents to have a home, and not be in unheaval and God has answered those prayers and we have spoke so often of how amazing it would be to share life as we know it with Andy and Nat and their kids in the same city and now that, too, has been an answered prayer...oh to give Praise face to face to the One that makes everything happen! have the best job up there, to sit and give thanks at the feet of Jesus, let Him know how thankful we all are as well!
there is peace and unspeakable blessings in being carried by God, in His perfect timing, no matter the situation. I saw it in the midst of our darkest hour, how Andy and Nat and Colin and i ordered our last "low-key" yummy meal before we brought him home for his last days, and remembering back to that perfect evening, of laughing and crying and just being real to speak whatever we wanted to each other no matter how aweful it sounded...and how when Andy offered for Colin to wear his Flames jersey as his outfit to be buried in...Colin quickly told Andy that he would for never get into heaven with that thing on! haha..How perfect that night was, just the four of us processing...we had actually planned to rush home that night, but i'm grateful we listened to God's gentle urge to stay put. And now too, in our healing, with so much to be thankful for, God is still ushering us through this life with His utmost care and showing us His timing is ALWAYS perfection...JOY, copious amounts of Joy is how i feel at this moment.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Desperation Brings Me to Praise!

Yesturday, i was reminded yet again of that "Dangerous Prayer" i was praying back in March before Colin's relapse. It is a song by Kathleen Carnali, which i prayed a lot over the course of a few weeks, "Jesus, reign on my parade, strip me down again so i'm desperate for you, Jesus, whatever it takes bring me to my end, so i'm desperate for you again". Whoa, if i could go back i would shake my self and say "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" But i know that God's will is powerful and His plans for Colin were already in motion, BUT my prayer, along with many others, was answered. I have been completely changed in how i view my need for a Savior. I am desperate for Him...desperate for Him to protect me through this crator of life that i'm travelling through, i'm desperate for Him to show me how to be a parent who loves unconditionally and shows Grace and patience and i'm incredibly desperate for God to fill in the Daddy role to my boys...i could go on and on, but i'm finding that living in this dangerous desperation is actually the most safe i've ever felt in my whole life. Looking back, i had no way of knowing what my prayers were going to do and how that would fit with God's plan in my life, and it has been completely terrifying, but also a place filled with much peace. It feels so good to throw up my hands and just let God lead..this crator of grief and loss isn't so bad to travel through when i have a God who comforts me minute by minute and provides for my every need even when i am not aware of it! I am so increibly humbled and grateful for Him, to walk alongside little old me. That He would love us so much to shield and protect us from the depths of pain and suffering in this world! Praise is the order of the day! I choose to praise despite whatever comes up today!
Oh ya, i almost forgot! Corban was awarded the "Student of Character" for his school for the month of September. His award said they chose him for his good behavior, his gentle and kind spirit, always working hard and making really great friends! Isn't that SO cute?! We put it into a frame already! I SO wish Colin was here but i know he's looking down...he's got a good seat up there, i'm sure!
Gotta go! Keegie and i have a "toffee" (coffee) date on the couch under a warm blanket!
Love, Melissa

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Well, we made it through the last week, aside from all of our firsts, Tuesday marked 3 months that Colin has been with Jesus. I keep thinking how so very thankful i am that he didn't suffer or have to agonize through very many days, he's up in heaven having "fun" as Keegan says..."Daddy, sick, Daddy, Heaven, Fun, Daddy, Fun!"...Keegan also seems to think that there's puppies up in Heaven helping Daddy have fun!
I have to report that Corban did amazingly well as his first skating lesson, and he's been asking every day since, when he gets to go back! Like someone wise who has gone before me on this journey has said, the leading up to the event is often much worse than the event we were dreading! Again, this rings true with Thanksgiving...I am honestly truely thankful, for everyone and everything that is around me. I have never felt so full and so blessed and God's blessings keep me smiling each day...not a day goes by that we don't miss Colin, or think of what we are missing without him here, but i know that he would want us to be happy and enjoy each other and the life that God has blessed us with! So, my dearest Colin, this is a Thanksgiving that is so very empty without you but more importantly i am so thankful that you have shown us how to appreciate what we have right here in front of us, and holding your hand through our life together has forever etched into my heart the importance of our families and friends and how eternally blessed we are both in the simplicities of life as well as the monumental moments. I miss you, as we get ready to have a yummy home-cooked Thanksgiving meal, and spend some time together as a family, there is this gigantic hole but oh how fansty of a feast you must be having with Jesus! I am thankful for Heavenly Thanksgivings, although mom's cooking i'm sure comes close, i can't imagine the yumminess of a Heavenly feast!
To all of our friends and family, I am so incredibly thankful for what you have done in my life and for my boys! Colin was always at peace with leaving me to be with Jesus, because he never doubted for a second that me and our boys would be taken care of...I knew that as well, but I have been blown away by just how cared for we have been! I thank you! Blessings on you this Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Whoa, it's been a whirlwind of the past week and a bit so forgive me for not posting sooner! We've entered into another set of "firsts" for me and the boys, so let me update you! Last weekend was such a great time, i have wanted to take Corban to a movie just the two of us since before Colin was sick and i just never got to it, and i've been making a huge effort to make sure i'm not putting precious one on one time off with each of my boys. So, Last saturday, Corban and i went to an afternoon movie and i don't think i watched a second of it, i was fixated on how cute he was sitting there in the theatre seat, with a drink on one side the size of his arm length and a bag of popcorn almost as big as he is....his eyes were SO wide, and he kept whispering random thoughts to me all the while never once taking his eyes from the screen...we had a great time and we made sure to bring some treats home for Keegan after his nap, too!
Aside from our usual routine to start this week, today was another first. Corban's first field trip! Keegan and i went along as well, to catch him in the action. First they toured the Police Station, which i have to say was a proud moment for me, because i am and always have been incredibly proud to be a Policeman's daughter and i've always been super proud of my Dad, but i was very much saddened at the fact that Colin couldn't be there, to show Corban around and tag along on this personal adventure into a place that has and always will be apart of who we are. Needless to say, i took so many pictures and Keegan even got to go on his own field trip up to the Office of the Chief and hang out with Papa for a bit while i was mezmorized by my sweet Corban in his class with the other students! I am sure proud of him, he was so good and attentive, a little surprising i have to say, cuz for me as his mommy, i find it difficult to stay attentive and not talk a lot, so i kinda assumed he would have a similar problem :) Then off we went to the Fire Station and there, too, the boys were caught up in the sirens and lights and they even got to shoot the fire hose! So cool! That's where i had to take Keegan back home for his nap, but Corban and his class went off to a greenhouse for lunch and then to play in a pumkin patch until school is over! Fun!!!
Wow, as if that were all, but tonite is going to sting even worse than today did i'm sure, it's Corban's first skating lesson, a dream Colin had from his time of birth! I hate that i have to put him in lessons, because Colin had always dreamed of being the one to teach our dearest Corban how to skate and they both have had tons of fun together going public again, it makes my heart hurt a little that Colin can't be here to tie his skates and tell him to get back up and keep trying again...that's it's gonna get easier and that he's so proud of a great job that Corban's doing...God is teaching me how to be in this role now, and i'm grateful my parents will come and watch and also that we have friends who can come and fill in those cracks...A huge thank you to a good friend Clark for lending us some really cute hockey skates that fit Corban perfectly and he even got them all sharpened up with skate guards so Corban's all set! I pray it goes well, and i pray i have the words of encouragement for Corban when he's wanting to quit because he just can't get the hang of it...Colin was always good at those talks, me, not so much, but i'm willing to learn, so tonite i have a lesson, too!
Each new day, God is teaching me that me and the boys are apart of something so much bigger than ourselves and our situation. We sadly, aren't alone in our loss..each day different families are hurting and experiencing loss and all i know how to do is to keep trusting that God has HIS master plan in action and that only HE knows how this all will fit for the good of those who love Him! I am thankful for having had these experiences because now i feel more equipped to pray for others and more prepared for how to help out!
So, here i go, off to get Corban from school pretty soon and then i pray we have a great night learning something new, the both of us!