Friday, December 31, 2010

Into the Unknown...2011

A new year..Already?! Honestly i don't even know what the heck happened this year?! I remember telling everyone i came in contact with last year at this time, that 2010 was our year, cuz really, it couldn't get any worse, right?! Whoa...I believe i was still so incredibly naive. Standing at the door looking into our 2010 ahead, there was so much hope, so much promise and optimism for what was in our future, both with Colin's new career and with our family. We were basking in the amazing change God had brought into our lives and we were given this new perspective of never taking any moment we had together for granted. I'm so grateful for that change, because the first 4 months would be the last we would have together as a complete family unit, whole, healthy and happy enjoying every single minute together! Man, i just can't believe there was still more to come...that our God had other plans that in my human way of thinking, i still can't piece together the gravity of what we lived through. BUT i think there is a Heavenly reason for that. God is my shield and what i have learned through this, is that i have absolutely no control over this life or any of the people whom i love so dearly. God has this incredibly intricate and intertwined plan for us and HIS timing for each of us is set, so perfectly by GOD alone! I am able to see the beauty in that plan, and although however lonely this road is without having someone to share it all with, i fully trust that God has some sort of a plan for me!
Our Christmas was so great! It was good to get away, great to be with family who we love so much and just to be on the farm away from it all, it was the best way to spend our first Christmas with Colin in Heaven. I kinda felt like there was this weird emptiness following me...I just felt lost, with how to even feel this Christmas, that even though there was people around and the house was full, I was alone. I drowned myself with how excited the boys were for Christmas and even though there was some lack of sleep involved, all in all, we had a wonderful Christmas. New Years however, is quiet, but by choice...New Years was always a time for Colin and I to spend together, we would always plan things with friends but secretly enjoyed just spending it together at home with movies and snacks till wee hours of the morning, just the two of us! Speaking of which, i'm gonna go crawl into bed and watch a movie right away here. Just thought i would update how we were holding be honest, as a friend recently explained, it's not the lead up to this holiday season that is the worst, it's after it's all over that is the hard part...the silence, having nothing in the forseeable future to look forward too...So, onto 2011, with not an ounce of knowledge of what our future looks like, but i pray for many smiles and much laughter and memories with the people that i love!
Happy New Year!
Love, Melissa

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas With Jesus This Year...

I want to touch base with you all before we head to Hanna (to my aunt and uncle's farm) for a few days!
We got an early Christmas gift, unwanted of course, of the nasty stomach's hit Corban first and i'm just praying like crazy it will leave us alone until we can come back home after Christmas in Hanna! I've seen, yet again, the priceless drive and determination from Corban to just plug through whatever comes his way...even in the midst of throwing up literally almost every hour last night, there was not a complaint from him...brought back all too freshly the suffering i saw in Colin during the first few weeks and throughout his relapse! I thank God everyday for these valuable traits that are being passed down from Colin to our boys...the only thing is, my regret is that i didn't say more how much i appreciated those traits in Colin, himself...he knew, but i just wish i had one more time to say it again! I have a simple prayer request, that we can get to Hanna and be surrounded by family for Christmas...i just don't think my heart or my head could handle having to be stranded at home in the quiet of this season without Colin. I was SO dreading this flu bug for that reason, but tis the season i heart goes out to all of you who have had it or cared for your sweet little one's through it, wow it's nasty!
Someone very dear, who has also experienced a great loss in her own life gave me this poem and the moment i read it, i felt i needed to share it with you as well! My peace for this Christmas comes from knowing that Colin is having a blast up there with our Jesus, praising and partying and being everything God meant for him to be with not a worry or a care in the world! Imagine that kind of freedom, just to be and worship the God of creation on Jesus's Birthday! Oh i wish i could be at that party!

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear,
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmsa songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the Joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know ho much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift,
From my Heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is a gift,
More precious than pure gold,
It was always most important,
In the stories JEsus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Heavenly Father siad to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love,
He has for each of you!
So have a Merry Christmas,
And wipe away that tear,
Remember, I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

-With All My Love...

Now I have to go and wipe my tears and get to packing for our trip, I pray this finds you comfort the it has for me, May God's deepest and richest Blessings fall on each one of you this Christmas! Thank you for blessing me the way you have this past year!
i'll be in touch when we get back home!
Love, Melissa

Monday, December 20, 2010

Well, there it was...the weekend has come and gone and it was the most fantastic weekend EVER!!!! It started with some shopping on Saturday, supper uninterrupted from kidlets of any kind, getting to stay in a hotel (can't even tell you the last time i did that!), getting in a great Christmas service Sunday morning followed by some more shopping (at a different mall, i love Calgary!) TOPPED OFF WITH THE MOST INCREDIBLE CARRIE UNDERWOOD CONCERT!!!! To be honest, i was SO excited up until we arrived to the concert itself, then i had this inexplicable feeling of homesickness...i really kinda just wanted to go home and crawl into bed BUT then i remembered CARRIE UNDERWOOD!!! ok, no no no, i wanted to be there, but i couldn't help but feel like Colin should have been there sitting with me, laughing hysterically for the fool i was making of myself while dancing and singing almost every word with one miss Carrie, herself! I tried to embrace every moment, because in those moments the last Christmas gift i will ever recieve from my dearest Colin was disappearing, fading only into magical memories. My heart was bursting with excitment to be in those moments, seeing someone whom i've listened to her music almost everyday since she released her first cd. Colin knew this would be so important to me, the coolest thing i will do for a long time, the highlite for a long time to come. Luckily, i had Nat beside me, knowing without me even having to say a word the depth of bittersweetness i was feeling. I had the most amazing time, thanks to the girls! Just what i needed, to get away and regroup a bit! It was good! BUT also, SO good to be home! Corban made a comment to Keegan before i left on Saturday that "mommy was just going to be gone for a few days, she has to go sing with Carrie Underwood" Oh man, i was singin with her alright, but he was quite confused when i showed him the pictures i had, and i wasn't in any of them! He actually asked where i was and why i wasn't there with her on stage?! HE'S MY HERO FOR EVEN MENTIONING IT!!! The kids did great, thanks to my parents for keeping them and to my Brother for putting some time in as well! It means so much to know that i can go away and not have to worry...i know all too well about leaving them, but this was different, it's about time to drive into Calgary for something other than hospitals and treatments, although my heart did skip a beat to drive passed a building where we could've called a second home for most of last year! Just breathe, Nat reminded me:)
So now, onto Christmas! The boys are starting to ask when they can open gifts and what i got for them, so i'm getting more and more excited to see them beam with crazy energy this Christmas!
Anyhoo, i should go clean up, the house was clean for all of 30 seconds when we walked in the door, so much for that idea:)
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa
ps.. when i was telling Nat that i was sad after the concert that it was Colin's last gift to me, she reminded me that our two boys are each treasured gifts that i have from him....and boy, do they keep on giving;)

Friday, December 17, 2010

An Early Christmas Gift...

I have been waiting for this weekend with such a sweet sadness...and intense excitement! ok, since she was discovered on American Idol, i've been the biggest Carrie Underwood i'm sure it's impossible for anyone not to be:) And admist the storm that Colin was in, in his last hospital stay in Calgary, he still had his dreamer's heart, but instead of dreaming for himself, he did something to make a dream of mine come true. Colin and my big brother Andy schemed, and Andy did the leg work to get Nat and I tickets to her concert, for a Christmas present. Well we all know that just days after this plan was made, Colin and I recieved the news that he wouldn't get to be around for Christmas...and after the most emotionally painful car-ride i've ever endured back to Medicine Hat, Colin and Andy made a phone call to each other and with his whole body shaking, Colin gave me my last Christmas present i would recieve from him, and in the process he made a little dream come true for me...The guys got us tickets to see Carrie Underwood in Calgary...THIS WEEKEND. Now, the original plan was for me to travel up to Calgary and stay with Andy and Nat...BUT now that they live here too, Nat and I and a couple of friends are going to head up and make a weekend of it...we've booked the hotel (with a hottub, i just want to sit uninterrupted in a hottub, lol, silly, i know!) and we're going to do some shopping and relaxing and just get away for a few days! I am SO excited, i haven't been out of town since the summer, and it will be good to just have some "me" time...Truth is, i've been so looking forward to this weekend, that until now, i didn't know that it typing the explanation of this would be so bittersweet...Each of our Christmas's the most exciting thing to me was always to open what Colin would get me...he just had such a great way of knowing exactly what would make me light up with out me even giving him any ideas...i'm gonna miss that; i'm gonna miss coming home after seeing this concert and bursting with excitment about it and thanking him for this gift...Christmas is still my most favorite time of the year, this Christmas i'm jealous of what Colin will get to experience...can you imagine getting to spend a birthday celebration with Jesus, Himself?!!? I try, but my tiny human brain just cannot fathom what he's going to be apart of! I guess that's what makes me SO happy...although i want Colin here with us, i'm being selfish, because i would much rather him be there partying up a storm with a host of angels and saints that have gone before too, but it's not my time yet;)
For now, i'm going to enjoy little bits of heaven, like my Corban's First school Christmas concert..his class sang 2 songs, and he sang every word and did amazing actions with his sticks and bells! I'm enjoying some cuddle time with Keegan today, thanking God of the blessing in being able to be a stay-at-home mommy, and gearing up to enjoy a weekend away to just have some time as 'me'. I'm going to cherish every minute of watching the boys open presents and taking the intesity of their excitment to fill the hole that Colin has left...a happy hole, of incredible blessings and memories...we'll always have those to hold close!
ok, now i've got a house that needs to be cleaned, laundry with my name all over it, and packing to do...all done with the loudest of Carrie Underwood music...i gotta make sure i know all my words! lol
Happy Weekend everybody!
Love, Melissa

Saturday, December 11, 2010

So again, i'm finding myself with cool things to think about but no one really to share them with, so again, i hope you don't mind listening/reading my spouting off!
God is reminding me what it means to have the simple faith of a child, and how powerful our God can be when we remove all of the idiosyncricies (sp?) that time, age, experiences, hurts, habits, etc, can weigh our faith down to the point that it's so far off in the distance we can hardly remember what it means to have that exciting, growth filled relationship with a loving Heavenly Father. Let me explain...last night Corban was really restless, i could hear him moving around well into the night, and then finally, he started to cry so when i went to him and asked him what was wrong, he told me he had a bad dream. Still mostly asleep, he couldn't tell me what it was about, just that he was afraid. So i did what we always do, i wrapped him up in my arms (although he's harder to scoop up, being so much bigger now)and i prayed in a whisper into his ear, and as i prayed pointedly for Jesus to keep Corban safe and brave, for HIS mightly angels to be around him and protecting him, it was almost instant. The Peace and Comfort just fell over Corban and i could physically feel him release the fear and fall back into that deep peaceful sleep. How simple his faith is, it's what makes it so easy to see God at work. He doesn't have to work at it, Corban just knows, God is real and HE keeps us safe, that's it, that's all. I was incerdibly encouraged to be a witness to that, and i have been trying myself to see it that simply for a while now. It was like God was saying, here, it's this easy, just come and rest in ME. So, that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Plain and simple! How relieving it is for me to know that when i, in all my humanness, when i can't do anything in my power to take away their pain, all i need to do is pray and lay it at the feet of Jesus...Hmmmm...that thought is just has the sweetest peace for me right now! I'm gonna go cuddle with Corban and have some tea!
Thanks for listening to my random tidbits!
Love, Melissa

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hello All!
It's been too long since i've last posted so i thought i would get you up to speed on what's been going on in our world! The boys and I are keeping busy these days...I was able to help out with worship team this past Sunday morning, and boy, it was great to get involved with music again! What an amazing place to be in the middle of such a loving extended church family! God is good! Since this is the Christmas season, afterall, i am able to get involved a little tiny bit with our church Christmas musical as well...My mom and i are singing in an ensemble, just one song, and the kids are singin' a little song too, so it's gonna be fun. It's this friday (10th) and Saturday (11th) at 7pm at Hillcrest. So our evenings this week have been eaten up by practices, but the boys come and play in the pews, they've been great and very patient.
An update on my dearest Corban...well he has been better, still not entirely himself, but i can't blame him. i'm just now starting to feel like myself, so i'm trying to love him through this rough patch. The hard thing is, that he doesn't ever want to be away from me, not for school, Sunday school, Nana and Papa,'s been a bit exhausting on my part, but he's already had one parent torn away from him...i'm willing to give him all the comfort and reassurance that i'm not going anywhere, at least thats what i'm praying...i guess it's not up to me at all. God is in complete control, and there's nothing more comfortable in this world than resting in that knowledge and peace!
To be honest, the start of the Christmas season was rough, but right now, i'm loving this time of year, i'm making it a priority to enjoy each day and i'm realizing it's not that bad...i mean of course there's a hole where Colin needs to be, and i'm not fighting that...that hole will always be there, no matter how much time passes, he is dearly missed...but God has these wonderful blessings in this life that i'm choosing to embrace and not pass them by! Christmas is one of those blessings! It's getting easier to laugh and easier not to cry so often...God is SO good!
Corban's school year has been going great and he's even starting to read and writing lots too, i'm just blown away at how Colin's determination to get it perfect has been passed on in our dearest Corban...he won't give up till he gets it right...i'm so very proud of him! He has a Christmas concert at his school next week and i'm thrilled to get the video camera out and watch him! We are busy with friends and just enjoying loving the people around us, which is such a great blessing as well!
As for today, today is a good day, it's a home day, Corban has a bad case of a head cold, so i kept him home from school and we've had the best time just relaxing and taking it easy!
I pray the rest of this Christmas season keeps going well for those of you who are also missing Colin and other loved one's! God's love heals, i pray we'll all be open to receive the gifts in each day!

oh, before i go, i have to tell you the most precious thing i heard Corban say to Keegan this morning. As i was making breakfast, the boys were sitting at their little table, and Corban was trying to explain to Keegan about Christmas being Jesus's Birthday...he then tells Keegan, "Christmas is not a time to's a time to give, cuz it's Jesus's special day"...i wish i could have captured it, but hearing it melted my heart!
Blessings on you today!
love, Melissa

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Making of New Memories!

Well...this weekend has come and gone, and today (being Corban's actual birthday) was a good day to make new holiday memories as well as celebrate our dearest Corban being SO BIG!!! We had our whole family here, mom and dad, Andy and Nat and the kids...let me tell you how cool it is to all be together on a random Monday night!!!! We are so thankful to have Andy and Nat and the kids close...Uncle Andy was the Project Manager helping us set up the Christmas tree and do the ribbons and the lights...making sure it was done right and looking good! I got the kids a little Charlie Brown looking Christmas tree for our main living room...they could do whatever they wanted to it and while tree docorating was in progress, in true "Mommy" style, we had to have a dance party to Mariah Carey Christmas!!! So all the kids were jumping and singin and we were all laughing and honestly having a great time. I'm determined to keep our little family unit close and making new memories because i know that God has given us each day together...however long and draining it is for me, my sweet boys deserve fun adventures! Speaking of fun adventures, the three of us got all dressed up for playing in the snow and went out and found a cute little hill we could sled down! Let me tell you, i had the most fun i've had in a long time, and after the past week we had, it was about time to just relax and have fun with my boys! It still stings much more fun the boys would've had to have their Daddy rolling down the hills with them...

i just finished watching the last of our "daddy" videos on my video camera...what precious memories we were able to capture for us to have! I didn't even cry, i how we tried to make each waking moment a memory. To love intensly know that those moments were our last. But the greatest gift is that I dont' have any regrets...i'm just incredibly blessed to have those precious family memories, knowing that someday our boys will hold those videos so closely never doubting that in every image, their Daddy loved them so completely!
I made it, through another one of the tougher stretches...God is still growing me through these times, and i think i'm clinging closer now than i ever have, but there's nowhere else i'd rather be!
i'm gonna go have tea and sit by the Christmas tree:)
Love, Melissa

Saturday, November 27, 2010

ok, so the inevitable is here...Corban's baby is 5 years old, i can't even believe where the time has gone. Oh to gracefully get through this weekend...i am also planning on getting our Christmas decorations out and up..Thankfully my mom and Nat declared it a family affair so i won't be by myself to do it. To be honest i've been pushing this off, just not thinking about it cuz i don't really want to do this stuff alone...BUT i won't allow Satan to steal my JOY. This past week, i have to confess, was one of the worst weeks in a very long time...i've been growing SO much in my relationship with God so the days have kicked off to this amazing start and each day, gradually just gets worse...i've been hit hard with the point that i am crippled as a single parent. I feel like all i do some days is discipline and get mad and play the middle man between the two boys, and i don't want them to start to resent me or push me away because of that. Lately, if i let my guard down and give them an inch, they gang up and take a mile. I know that these are lies and that i am capable and i am sufficient right now, but man, i'm exhasuted from being emotionally attacked.
whoa..i just got a call from Corban's bus driver, she was talking with him yesturday at his bus stop and asked where his Daddy was...whether he worked out of town or something...Corban told her that his Daddy died and that it was his fault because Colin carried him too much and that's why he started having his back pain. Oh wow, where do i even start, and my heart is breaking because this is pain that i just can't spare him from, i can't make it go away or even lessen it. I just wonder some days if i can get them through this without too many scars...i have just been talking with Corban and i asked him honestly if he thought it was his fault, and he said no, but when things come out of his mouth, i guess it's just good i'm aware that he had a thought like that, however fleeting it may be...i'm gonna go pray with him and talk about this and try to shed some light and just keep affirming him...i'll use the information as a tool that i need to help us through...
Can I ask for some prayers of strength and wisdom and that God's healing touch can be over us as we hit some more bumps...that we can stay tightly by HIS side and be safe in HIS ARMS:)
Love, Melissa

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A little piece of my Heart.

Help me to be patient in my pain because i don't want to ruin the blessings You have for me in us travelling this journey together. Teach me to keep my eyes and my heart fixed on You, in hope that You, and only You can meet my every need. Thank You that there is beauty in suffering and thank you for continuing to reveal Your heart for me as You teach me what it means to be a woman of God. I praise You for my healing and for this road of recovery that i walk each day! Thank You for holding my hand and showing me the beauty and the rich blessings all around me. I am in awe of the Warrior God I experienced in You fighting the battle of Colin's cancer for us and I am so honored to see and experience Your equally tender and loving heart in the aftermath. You eminate what true beauty is and each day I want to be more like You but i fall so desperately short. Thank You that Your love fills the holes of my imperfections and injects hope where my own human strength runs out. I love You, Thank You for loving me inspite of all of my shortcomings.
For now, i'll wait...and i will continue to trust in You, Lord, in every circumstance...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Trust Me...

Well, i guess i've been silently waiting for this moment to come. It's been great that time, up until this point, has been passing relatively smoothly. I mean, we have our moments and sometimes our days, and we cry but there has been a good amount of distractions around to keep me busy and the time passes each day quite nicely! But the last little bit, i've found myself looking at the clocks a little more often, and the thoughts of having it blatently clear that I am alone and the only adult in our home is being driven home a little more than i'd like. I'm understanding the family dynamic in a whole new light that i never realized before. The beauty in how God placed each family member in a specific and unique role, how we have something vital to contribute, to feed each other and become this beautiful sheltered environment that operates so perfectly in itself. I so desperately miss that feeling of being "complete". I know, the textbook advice is to allow God to fill that void, and be that role for me and the kids to make us complete. I have to say that although God and I have been through the fires of life's devastation, i'm having a tough time with this one. I guess that in my impatience (a quality i seem to have picked up along my way through life)I expect that this will be felt and just "happen", but i'm slowly learning that I have to learn this new "role" that i'm expecting God to fill. I've always looked at my relationship with the God of the universe to be that father to daughter type of a role, this larger than life being that created me and everything around me, but for Him to love me as a "husband" would love his wife is just something i'm praying for more understanding on. I guess i'm kind of going through a process of mourning layered losses. I know that doesn't make sense just in itself, but let me go more indepth with what i mean. I am grieving for my boys, the loss of those very big and also the very little things that people take for granted, like, when someone asks, "What does your Daddy do for a living?", or those funny little things boys say to each other like, "My Daddy could beat your Daddy at hockey". I miss the precious sound of a child's voice yelling "DADDY" followed by the pitter patter of running feet to jump in for a BIG hug when he gets in the door.
Colin and I shared a lot in our marriage, not only being in a partnership in keeping our household and daily routine but in parenting and i'm mourning that loss and those effects on our boys as they grow up.
I'm grieving a loss of myself as just being able to be a balanced wife and mom...I didn't get to be a wife since Colin was diagnosed because, i can't entirely explain it, but i had to step into a "caregiver" role that spun me into this high-strung, worrier for trying to make sure everyone was taken care of...i'm remembering what my role was in Colin's journey, and i'm sad that we had such separate roles to play...the impossibility of really actually being a family towards the end breaks my heart but i know that we operated in God's timing and in God's perfection to provide comfort and closure and to love our loved one's. I refuse to let the enemy, who only looks out to steal the blessings in this life that God is giving me, i refuse to let him hook in and feed me lies about regrets or worries...I know, i know, i know, God, I trust YOU...I just have to focus on that simple thing. Amidst it all, I feel like I can hear God whisper, "Just keep watching Me, keep focused on Me, I have the Master Plan, I'm going to navigate you through, I promise YOU. Trust ME"
So, I guess after unloading this tonight, I have to pick myself back up and regroup and look UP and keep focussed.
At the end of the month is Corban's birthday, then Christmas, and i feel like it's the last big path of "firsts" we have to get through. I guess i've just never realized how magical the Christmas season is, when it's been just me, doing the shopping and working through our Christmas lists. It's hit me like a ton of bricks, emotionally, i mean.
Sorry for the mishmash of thoughts, I just had to get them out, I kind of felt like I was going to explode!
Well, maybe sleep will come more easily with that out!
I pray there will be some sense into what i've typed, but there has been such healing in this for me, I pray God can use my words...
Sweet Dreams..
Love, Melissa

Friday, November 5, 2010

What's Happenin'

Well, where do i begin? It feels like forever ago that i updated you all on how life is going and what we've been filling our time with these days! I feel like we've been busy these past few weeks, but looking back, my mind goes blank with what exactly we were doing! Ha! I can tell you truthfully, that with each passing day, i am feeling more and more like myself again! I feel like me and the boys are in a good place right now, i do still pray everyday that i can be cut in half and multiplied...just so more time can separately be spent with each precious little boy! I just have to trust that God's love is going to do so much filling in the cracks and spaces where i just can't! I still have these flashbacks every so often of what each day was like being with Colin, having him so sick, even looking back at some pictures, the cancer changed him so drastically physically, and i didn't even notice it until now, going through the pictures. I guess God was protecting me, He knew Colin needed me focused on caring for him, so the rest of it just didn't matter, because through sickness and health, well, i just never thought my marriage vows would ever really fully be put to the test!
We have been enjoying spending time with friends and family, and just this last week a great friend of ours offered to take some family photos for the three of us!!! It had been something that had been on my mind for so long and since i wasn't doing anything proactive about, God took matters into His own hands and sent someone to help me out in that area! What a blessing! I've only seen a few pictures so far, but oh my boys! I thought i was in love with them before, but seeing their sweetness captured in a picture, I could just stare at them all day! i'm so proud with how did on that day, too, with a little candies to fill in the cracks, i'm hoping we got some good one's to work with!
God is also showing me what He can do if i can begin to realize my dreams again! This past week, a lifelong dream for me came true. I was able to actually go into a real, live, recording studio and record some background vocals for a friend who is in the midst of preparing her own Cd!!!! Wowee, it was the coolest thing and i was SO nervous, but when i prayed before i went in, all i wanted was to try to enjoy myself and make God proud! It lit a fire to sing more, and maybe dream bigger than i ever have before, in this area!
This coming weekend Andy and Nat are moving down! Wow, there's another HUGE God thing, i only wish my words would make clear how much we've felt God take care of every detail and bless them HUGE along the way! It will be so nice to have them close, a dream come true for sure! Thank YOU Jesus for blessing us!
I also know that Colin's parents are also beginning to make their new place a home as well!
Other than this stuff, i'm just taking each day as it comes, and trying to see God's blessings in all of it....and i'm praying for patience in what God has next for me and the boys! I'm content to just enjoy the friends and family and blessings all around me...God is SO good!
i'll keep you posted on what's to come, i'm still figuring that out myself, so i'll keep you up to speed when God brings me up to speed! haha;)

Friday, October 22, 2010

To YOU...I give Thanks...In ALL of Life's Circumstances

Who knew that a fictional medical show i watched last night would strike such a deep cord with our recent events in real life (well, duh, i guess it's not that surprising). I think it's been building for the entire week. My thoughts have naturally been going to all the memories surrounding Colin's last year and before. With cold and flu season upon us, Keegan has been sniffly and Nana came down with a bad 24 hour flu bug that prompted some more healthy talk about what happened to Daddy. Keegan has been thinking that since Nana has a sick tummy and Daddy was sick that Nana has to go to heaven to get better. I didn't realize that lumping "sick" althogether would be so confusing for our little Keegan, so now i have needed to explain the "C" word. Daddy had cancer, his whole body was sick and Jesus wanted to take him home to heaven to really make sure he was ALL better and never again will he get sick. Nana has a germie that is making her feel sick in her tummy and she just needs to rest and Jesus can make her feel all better here with us. Little by little we'll get there, as he gets older, he'll process more and ask us more questions and i'm glad for the steps, i think it's God's way of keeping us going without overwhelming us!
Last night i had such a strong urge to look back, not too far back but just since Colin's relapse...i cried for Colin, for his pain, for how the cancer in his body ravaged his appearance and still how he so graciously took what he had been given and praised God and trusted him to carry him through all the while so aware of what had been taken from him in this life. I cried for our boys; for what they must have felt in those last days, and for how i just couldn't be there the wa i would've wanted looking back. I cried for me...the life i had always dreamed of and the loss of my best friend and my true love. I just can't quite put a finger on what i feel now the past little while, i guess that's why i haven't written an update, nothing really comes to mind; until tonite. i'm not shying away from these points of pain, it's the only way to heal, to hurt enough and be broken so that God can piece me back together. I want to be new, and whole and restored...My fear is the cost this is having on our boys. How this will effect them and shape their future, BUT again, i have to trust that God's got this major detail covered, i keep holding so tight to that promise! Psalm 55:22 "Give your worries and cares to the LORD, and He will take care of you, he will never let His people down".
I feel like right now, i am able to sit back and watch God bless those who have taken care of us...To see God work in HIS most perfect timing, and bring every last detail together is the coolest thing to watch...i just wish Colin were here to see it all unfold...our prayers are being answered, my sweetie, please can you give Jesus a HUGE hug for me, for allowing Andy and Nat to move closer...i know that we prayed so much for God to bless them for taking us in and sharing their home up in Calgary with us...i haven't stopped praying for God to carry them and all our family and friends and bless them. i just wish i could celebrate with you and give you a hug and kiss you and jump up and down and have you tell me how weird and wonderful i am to you! heehee...I don't have enough kleenex left to share their stories entirely from Andy and Nat or Colin's parent's stories of God's provision and timing, but Colin also wanted more than anything for his parents to have a home, and not be in unheaval and God has answered those prayers and we have spoke so often of how amazing it would be to share life as we know it with Andy and Nat and their kids in the same city and now that, too, has been an answered prayer...oh to give Praise face to face to the One that makes everything happen! have the best job up there, to sit and give thanks at the feet of Jesus, let Him know how thankful we all are as well!
there is peace and unspeakable blessings in being carried by God, in His perfect timing, no matter the situation. I saw it in the midst of our darkest hour, how Andy and Nat and Colin and i ordered our last "low-key" yummy meal before we brought him home for his last days, and remembering back to that perfect evening, of laughing and crying and just being real to speak whatever we wanted to each other no matter how aweful it sounded...and how when Andy offered for Colin to wear his Flames jersey as his outfit to be buried in...Colin quickly told Andy that he would for never get into heaven with that thing on! haha..How perfect that night was, just the four of us processing...we had actually planned to rush home that night, but i'm grateful we listened to God's gentle urge to stay put. And now too, in our healing, with so much to be thankful for, God is still ushering us through this life with His utmost care and showing us His timing is ALWAYS perfection...JOY, copious amounts of Joy is how i feel at this moment.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Desperation Brings Me to Praise!

Yesturday, i was reminded yet again of that "Dangerous Prayer" i was praying back in March before Colin's relapse. It is a song by Kathleen Carnali, which i prayed a lot over the course of a few weeks, "Jesus, reign on my parade, strip me down again so i'm desperate for you, Jesus, whatever it takes bring me to my end, so i'm desperate for you again". Whoa, if i could go back i would shake my self and say "ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" But i know that God's will is powerful and His plans for Colin were already in motion, BUT my prayer, along with many others, was answered. I have been completely changed in how i view my need for a Savior. I am desperate for Him...desperate for Him to protect me through this crator of life that i'm travelling through, i'm desperate for Him to show me how to be a parent who loves unconditionally and shows Grace and patience and i'm incredibly desperate for God to fill in the Daddy role to my boys...i could go on and on, but i'm finding that living in this dangerous desperation is actually the most safe i've ever felt in my whole life. Looking back, i had no way of knowing what my prayers were going to do and how that would fit with God's plan in my life, and it has been completely terrifying, but also a place filled with much peace. It feels so good to throw up my hands and just let God lead..this crator of grief and loss isn't so bad to travel through when i have a God who comforts me minute by minute and provides for my every need even when i am not aware of it! I am so increibly humbled and grateful for Him, to walk alongside little old me. That He would love us so much to shield and protect us from the depths of pain and suffering in this world! Praise is the order of the day! I choose to praise despite whatever comes up today!
Oh ya, i almost forgot! Corban was awarded the "Student of Character" for his school for the month of September. His award said they chose him for his good behavior, his gentle and kind spirit, always working hard and making really great friends! Isn't that SO cute?! We put it into a frame already! I SO wish Colin was here but i know he's looking down...he's got a good seat up there, i'm sure!
Gotta go! Keegie and i have a "toffee" (coffee) date on the couch under a warm blanket!
Love, Melissa

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Well, we made it through the last week, aside from all of our firsts, Tuesday marked 3 months that Colin has been with Jesus. I keep thinking how so very thankful i am that he didn't suffer or have to agonize through very many days, he's up in heaven having "fun" as Keegan says..."Daddy, sick, Daddy, Heaven, Fun, Daddy, Fun!"...Keegan also seems to think that there's puppies up in Heaven helping Daddy have fun!
I have to report that Corban did amazingly well as his first skating lesson, and he's been asking every day since, when he gets to go back! Like someone wise who has gone before me on this journey has said, the leading up to the event is often much worse than the event we were dreading! Again, this rings true with Thanksgiving...I am honestly truely thankful, for everyone and everything that is around me. I have never felt so full and so blessed and God's blessings keep me smiling each day...not a day goes by that we don't miss Colin, or think of what we are missing without him here, but i know that he would want us to be happy and enjoy each other and the life that God has blessed us with! So, my dearest Colin, this is a Thanksgiving that is so very empty without you but more importantly i am so thankful that you have shown us how to appreciate what we have right here in front of us, and holding your hand through our life together has forever etched into my heart the importance of our families and friends and how eternally blessed we are both in the simplicities of life as well as the monumental moments. I miss you, as we get ready to have a yummy home-cooked Thanksgiving meal, and spend some time together as a family, there is this gigantic hole but oh how fansty of a feast you must be having with Jesus! I am thankful for Heavenly Thanksgivings, although mom's cooking i'm sure comes close, i can't imagine the yumminess of a Heavenly feast!
To all of our friends and family, I am so incredibly thankful for what you have done in my life and for my boys! Colin was always at peace with leaving me to be with Jesus, because he never doubted for a second that me and our boys would be taken care of...I knew that as well, but I have been blown away by just how cared for we have been! I thank you! Blessings on you this Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Whoa, it's been a whirlwind of the past week and a bit so forgive me for not posting sooner! We've entered into another set of "firsts" for me and the boys, so let me update you! Last weekend was such a great time, i have wanted to take Corban to a movie just the two of us since before Colin was sick and i just never got to it, and i've been making a huge effort to make sure i'm not putting precious one on one time off with each of my boys. So, Last saturday, Corban and i went to an afternoon movie and i don't think i watched a second of it, i was fixated on how cute he was sitting there in the theatre seat, with a drink on one side the size of his arm length and a bag of popcorn almost as big as he is....his eyes were SO wide, and he kept whispering random thoughts to me all the while never once taking his eyes from the screen...we had a great time and we made sure to bring some treats home for Keegan after his nap, too!
Aside from our usual routine to start this week, today was another first. Corban's first field trip! Keegan and i went along as well, to catch him in the action. First they toured the Police Station, which i have to say was a proud moment for me, because i am and always have been incredibly proud to be a Policeman's daughter and i've always been super proud of my Dad, but i was very much saddened at the fact that Colin couldn't be there, to show Corban around and tag along on this personal adventure into a place that has and always will be apart of who we are. Needless to say, i took so many pictures and Keegan even got to go on his own field trip up to the Office of the Chief and hang out with Papa for a bit while i was mezmorized by my sweet Corban in his class with the other students! I am sure proud of him, he was so good and attentive, a little surprising i have to say, cuz for me as his mommy, i find it difficult to stay attentive and not talk a lot, so i kinda assumed he would have a similar problem :) Then off we went to the Fire Station and there, too, the boys were caught up in the sirens and lights and they even got to shoot the fire hose! So cool! That's where i had to take Keegan back home for his nap, but Corban and his class went off to a greenhouse for lunch and then to play in a pumkin patch until school is over! Fun!!!
Wow, as if that were all, but tonite is going to sting even worse than today did i'm sure, it's Corban's first skating lesson, a dream Colin had from his time of birth! I hate that i have to put him in lessons, because Colin had always dreamed of being the one to teach our dearest Corban how to skate and they both have had tons of fun together going public again, it makes my heart hurt a little that Colin can't be here to tie his skates and tell him to get back up and keep trying again...that's it's gonna get easier and that he's so proud of a great job that Corban's doing...God is teaching me how to be in this role now, and i'm grateful my parents will come and watch and also that we have friends who can come and fill in those cracks...A huge thank you to a good friend Clark for lending us some really cute hockey skates that fit Corban perfectly and he even got them all sharpened up with skate guards so Corban's all set! I pray it goes well, and i pray i have the words of encouragement for Corban when he's wanting to quit because he just can't get the hang of it...Colin was always good at those talks, me, not so much, but i'm willing to learn, so tonite i have a lesson, too!
Each new day, God is teaching me that me and the boys are apart of something so much bigger than ourselves and our situation. We sadly, aren't alone in our loss..each day different families are hurting and experiencing loss and all i know how to do is to keep trusting that God has HIS master plan in action and that only HE knows how this all will fit for the good of those who love Him! I am thankful for having had these experiences because now i feel more equipped to pray for others and more prepared for how to help out!
So, here i go, off to get Corban from school pretty soon and then i pray we have a great night learning something new, the both of us!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yet again, i'm so thankful for an outlet to put my thoughts when they just don't let me find rest at the end of another long day. I am reminded again at the simplicity of our human understanding when it comes to death and life thereafter. I mean, really, i'm only going off of what i can understand of my bible, and even then, i'm pretty slow at catching on...Honestly, I still can't imagine the fact that i watched Colin pass away...but how did it really happen?! I mean, of course it happened, but i just somehow don't get it, even after seeing it and experiencing all that's going along with it. I don't even know if this makes any sense...let me back up a little, so you understand where my thoughts are coming from.
My whole life, i've always been careful, like i said before, i even packed a bag before i went to sleep of those things that were most precious to me, just in case something happened where i needed to make a quick exit. The same went and still goes for making sure i told my loved one's "I love you", before leaving them for any length of time. I never wanted to have the regret of not being able to say it one more time, and i'm so thankful i was able to tell Colin almost hourly that i loved him before he went to be with Jesus. I've been going through some of my "memories", in my huge hope chest in the basement and to this point i've just always stuffed things in and not sat down to take a look at all the "stuff" that i was accumulating. I have to tell you, ever since i met Colin, i had this urge to keep every single little detail of our story in tact, literally every letter, every picture, every note, skittles wrapper, movie ticket, EVERYTHING. I am so grateful i trusted my instincts enough, even as young as i was, because now i have this beautiful paper trail of our "story". How heartbroken i am, that it had to end so soon. That's something i'll just never understand, how could this be happening?! Like i was trying to piece through before, i just don't understand this "death" stuff sometimes...all i know is that he's gone, and there are times when it hurts real bad, and times more so than not that i can find it bareable to get through each day. I never realized how much of a physical tole emotions can place on a person, and it's been all i can do to be productive the past couple days. So by putting these strangley weird thoughts out, maybe it can release me to keep moving forward in this grieving process. "The year of firsts" is ahead, looming, and i'm already begging for it to stand still, Thankgiving is coming, and maybe i can just feel it...last year there was so much hope in the prognosis and so much to be thanful for...please don't get me wrong, i have SO much to be thankful for still, but i will have no one to hold hands with under the table when we pray, and no one to take pictures with on the steps for our Christmas card...and my boys, my sweet boys... Corban starts skating lessons next week and i just...this seems SO wrong that Colin is not here doing this with him. I used to tell Colin i think i willed Corban to be a boy when i was pregnant, because Colin had such big plans for a first born son, that i just pleaded with God to bless us with a boy and now he's gone. Each night i go to bed with this heaviness that i didn't do enough, couldn't spend enough quality time with each of them, that i shouldn't have gotten angry or could've been easier with my discipline, BUT they need to be parented and i'm determined to raise good Godly men. Colin was always my balance, and i'm feeling a little out of balance and i think there is this lonely place that no one on this earth can do in this family what Colin did for us, and now, i'm mourning that "secondary" loss...physically, Colin's gone, i guess each day i realize just how HUGE that loss really is, and how much our lives have and will continue to change because of it. Each day, i pray i can do better and be better for my boys and for myself and that God will teach me little tidbits in how to be better. As i try to rest tonight, so will be my prayer...My mom would always tell after a bad day, tomorrow we get to wake up and start fresh and new, and i will never forget it, what a blessing, a new fresh start in each new day!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

So Small...

So, i'm pleasantly surprise to report that Keegan is on day #4 of potty training and he is on day #2 of being accident free and telling me when he has to go! For some reason, I thought that he would give me a whole lot more trouble in this milestone but I also think that God knows what i can handle right now, and He's making this easy on all parties! I like to think of it as a confidence builder in the parenting department, like God is saying, "See? You're gonna be just fine, look you're doing it!"....BUT i will be the first to say that i take no credit in this stuff...i just squeeze my eyes shut (so to speak) and hold on tight! I'm VERY proud of my little man, he's doing amazing and he's growing in every way and i'm enjoying every minute of it! Today was another milestone in my parenting first parent/teacher interview!!! Yikes, now there's a scary thought...every time my parents came from one of those there was always one constant thing to report. "Melissa is doing good, but she would do better if she would STOP talking so much" this is what i was half expecting for Corban, but his teacher was very happy to report that he is doing great and constantly improving his printing and coloring skills and he's a good listener (he should bring that skill home with him) and very kind and loving to the other kids. There, i did it...i may have shed a tear or two on the way (good thing it was out in Seven Persons)...I just always looked forward to having Colin by my side for these types of things, i'm still getting used to doing this stuff on my own.

It brings me to this thought that i just can't get out of my head, and what i am going through is just one teenie tiny speck in what God does...When i look around at the many people i come into contact throughout my days, i can't help but wonder what they are going through and what they're story is. God is SO BIG...i am SO small but that's why it's such a comfortable fit, i'm glad i'm not big, i'd rather trust the One who created it all, and all of us, to be in control cuz He's the expert, not me, i'm just trusting Him for each day...making sure i can be the best friend and sister and daughter and most importantly Mommy that i can possibly be, and by doing that i wanna be as teachable as i can...i don't have the slightest clue how to do this, but i do know God does, i'm just so glad i can rest in that!

I was reminded today that i had dreamed of winning this battle with cancer and that Colin and I would come out together, strong and completely changed. I guess it kinda happened but i pictured that the way we would celebrate was to renew our wedding vows...i've always wanted to do that, always seen it in the movies. On my drives to and from Calgary amongst other things, i would think of how we would plan it, who would be there, and what love songs we would dance the night away too. I even planned on a song that i would sing to Colin, if i could ever do it without bawling my eyes out...maybe i'll think of something cool to do for Colin's 30th Birthday...He would have been 30 this coming January, and a friend gave me this cool idea of celebrating Colin on his birthday...stay tuned for those plans!

My heart is so heavy for another family who has been affected by cancer and devastated by it's effects, I haven't asked permission to mention any names, but to think of another family going through what we have gone through brings everything back so fresh...I think i was in so much shock when i was going through it with Colin that i didn't have time to stop and really process what all had happened and what we were really doing in those last, knowing that another family has to do the same brings me right back to the gravity of it all...the intense loss we all experienced. My prayers are with these families tonight! May His everlasting peace comfort and guide you!
We are but one of so many but how perfect God's plan for each of us no matter how lost or small we may feel! I think there is such intense raw beauty in each of our story, how God has raised us on top of mountains and walked with or carried us through those extreme valleys...I keep Job in the forefront of my mind, when i start to feel sorry for myself. Job just kept going through all of the loss and pain and devastation, he kept praising God and trusting His master plan, that's my prayer, that i can be more like Job!
I need to say thank you, again, for being the one's whom i can come and talk too and share my journey through this unknown have brought so much comfort and there has been so much healing done by being able to share my story!
Love, Melissa

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oh How Quickly I forgot! ON PURPOSE!!!

My apologies for the lack of blogging lately, but my little Keegan has decided he is not going to wear diapers any longer and he is going to pee on the potty like his big brother! Oh wow, if only it were just that simple! I knew from the moment Keegan was born he wasn't going to be the breeze of a child that Corban has been...nope, our little Keegie Bear is a stinker, and potty training has been no exception to that rule! I am 2.5 days into potty training (something i was purposely putting off) and he's starting to show signs of progress but it's slow going...i'm glad i feel like i have my barings, cuz although it's busy cleaning up after him and adjusting to getting him to sit on the potty all the time, it's ok, maybe just a tad busier than we were...there's something with the second child that seems to just "be", than with the first, we were all nervous with every new chapter in his life, with Keegan, i feel comfortable and confident, which is good right now! It sure brings it all back from Corban's potty training days, and in the same breath, how quickly we forget(how i can't wait to forget again!!!) So, wish me luck, or more effectively, maybe just whisper a prayer that we get this soon!

Alot of people were asking about the book i am starting for our women's bible study and it's a book called, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge also author's of a book for men called, "Wild At Heart". I have already reread the first chapter because i have enjoyed it so much the first time through and i can't wait for this semester, and beyond for where God will take me through this book! Very Excited!
This past week has been quite quiet, i purposely planned it that's been good and i've seen the boys actually begin to play, without needing me to intervene so much! It's refreshing to just sit back and watch for a change and just see how they play on their own, for a few moments anyway...we'll get there, i know these stages of our boys are busy, but i only get one chance, so i'm doing my best to make the absolute best of it, i don't want to regret a single minute!

Corban is standing beside me waiting so patiently for me to come play, so i need to practice what i'm typing here and get going...we have a busy afternoon of playing with Colby and Myla (my niece and nephew) and visiting with Andy and's been good to have them come for a visit, i miss them like crazy since we've all settled back into our "own" routines again, there's so much comfort in having them come, because they had such a huge impact on getting us through Colin's journey!

Not much else to report, Corban's skating lessons are starting up in October and our first little parent teacher interviews are this next week...i'm sure i'll have stories so stay tuned! i'll keep ya posted on Keegan's potty training adventures as well, again, lots more stories so just you wait!
Have a Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

oh SO Good!

Ok, so i have declared Wednesdays as the new highlight of my week! We have an amazing group of women who meet at Hillcrest Church on Wednesday mornings, and spilt off into different study groups. Usually, i have signed up for either a marriage study, or a parenting study...BUT this time as i was going to sign up for another parenting study, I felt God kind of "shuv" me down the end of the sign up table where there was a book totally and completely for me. At first, i kinda felt a little guilty to sign up for something that would benefit no one else but me...But God is making me realize that it's ok to focus on myself and there is a healing that is happening by taking some time to rebuilt who i am, and who God want me to be and what His plans are.
Have you ever had that weird but so cool thing that happens when you read something or someone speaks and it's like they are words that are solely for you? This book even just through the introduction and first chapter have done exactly oh man, i was fighting back the tears of relief that something/someone out there knows exactly what is in my heart right digs deep and i am SO excited for what God has in store for me through this book! A dear friend who was leading the study felt God had a need for me to be in this study, but she said not a word, and then God placed me right where i needed to be, isn't that cool?! God is SO real in those little things, my life is filled with those little touches/fingerprints of God and it makes me smile and also keeps me believing that i can keep stepping one foot in front of the other!
The boys are doing good, too, our routine of school and playing and just spending time together is going good...gotta be honest, sometimes they both drive me absolutey CRAZY with how much they love to love each other one minute and the next they are fighting like cats and dogs! Corban has this soft spirit of wanting to help me, with keegan, with dishes, with cooking...i have to remember that although it's WAY more work to let him help, he needs to do that, too, so i love it! Little Keegan is our stinker, the minute i turn my back, he heads right into anything that he's not supposed to be doing...keeps me on my toes!
It's honestly odd to say this, like i feel a little guilty, BUT life is good...God is blessing us, and although i'm kinda used to holding my breath a little when i say out loud that life is good...i have to just take this day and enjoy it...because we just never know tomorrow, nor do i need to be worried about tomorrow, God is carrying us and i trust He's going to carry us through ANYTHING, just like He already has...each time i felt like our life was good and back to normal, something "else" happened with Colin's health, so it's this trigger that goes off in me, a habit of having what happened, happen. GOD is a good God, and we were still able to smile and laugh through all of that darkness and sorrow, i still was able to make Colin's hospital room as homey as i could...we would have all the nurses checking in with us on those really great TV premier nights and when a show got good, i would run down in commercials to give an update at the desk! It's the little things in life...the simple love of others being around us, just enjoying people and loving them with our whole hearts! We have had the honor to meet so many people we would've normally not met this past year, and our lives are so much richer and full because of that! So, THANK YOU, for enriching my life and helping us smile and easing the stress of life, you have no idea how much you have impacted us! I say "us" meaning Colin, too, because i know how much he appreciated people taking the time to stop him and talk about what he was going through, there was nothing he loved more than just hangin' out with other people and getting to know them~ I miss him like crazy, but there still is so much to be thankful for...Keegan is up from his nap and i'm thinking the boys are going to help me make supper...yikes, but it should be fun!
Love, Melissa

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Could it be?!

Man, just when i thought my sleep patterns were getting back to normal, i start struggling to fall asleep again...and when i can't fall asleep, i come down and write on the blog! What a week this one has a good way! Corban seems to be settling in at school, and Keegan and I are having a good time together maning the rest of things around home! Well, between groceries and playdates and running a bunch of other errands, home hasn't been on the top of the places we've spent a lot of time this week. So today, on this nice and cozy Saturday, we spent the day at home...aside from a great run/stroller/bike ride (i'm sure you'd be able to fill in the blanks on who was doing what!)we enjoyed some fresh air with Nana and Papa and then just did our thing at home...perfect! I feel like the feeling of wanting to sleep forever and ever is finally lifting and i can be productive in my days...and by the end, although i'm exhausted, i feel like i've done something! It feels good. I'm feeling WAY better about how i am as a parent as well...there's something they fail to mention when you lose a spouse/co-parent...that while you, yourself have to grieve and find a way to keep going, you also are responsible for getting your kids through the same tramatic ordeal. BUT WAIT...i've never done this before, so how am i supposed to do that?! Good thing i have a God who has been carrying us, but i honestly have to admit, my mood swings have been all over the map...something else "they" failed to mention can happen...and after seeing my Doctor, i'm discovering that this kind of thing is normal with this kind of stress...i sure don't ever want those moods to be normal for's hard enough just being a parent and wanting to be a good parent cuz my kids deserve that from me, but i'm not proud of how short my fuze was in those first few weeks or's getting better...i'm feeling like myself again, at least as a parent and it's been a lot longer than Colin's passing since i've felt that way, so i pray it's safe to say i'm headed in a good direction! I have to tell you the cutest story, because, honestly more than anything i miss having someone to "tell" those cute stories to at the end of each day...i used to keep a little note pad for things to tell Colin when he would get home from work (my memory is awful, and i didn't want to forget all their cuteness) it still stings when the supper table is set and only 3 of us are eating...still more adjustments to be made, but i'll tell you the cute story that happened at bedtime tonite. I was putting the boys to bed, after reading stories in Corban's bed all three of us said our prayers, and tonite, it so happened that literally, all 3 of us prayed our different prayers at the exact same time! oh man, only God knows what we actually said, keegan is even praying his "me prays", mommy?! after tucking Corban into bed and giving hugs and kisses me and keegan went to the door, but keegan ran back to Corban and they had to hug and kiss and it was the sweetest thing, because they missed the first time and giggled until they both fell over and then on the second kiss they smacked their lips so loud the giggling just continued...precious moments. Moments which have been so overlooked through the initial parts of my grief, i am SO grateful that i am able to see those moments and truly appreciate them...our little family, just the 3 of us. It's not looking so lonely or scary to me boys are so full of life and energy and they are raw with emotion and feelings and i love that...i love that i'm excited to see each new day...thoughts still flitter by throughout my days when there still is a sting in my heart, but only for a moment...Praise God...they truly do mean it when they say it does get easier and "this too shall pass", it's been my motto since Colin was diagnosed, and before when we were apart for 3 months of his police, i don't want to wish away each day, i want to live it, and enjoy every minute of's all Colin and i wanted to do, every moment we had with our little family, was enjoy every ounce of precious time we had, so i'm gonna keep doing just that!
p.s. About 2.5 months ago, i really didn't believe that anyone could "heal" from someone they loved most in this world being torn away from it, but God had this funny way of putting just enough in front of me to not get overwhelmly broken and in those beginning days He kept me aware long enough each day to see the gigantic blessings of provision and comfort and the kindness of others...and TIME...God's timing and just the blessing of time in general...God can heal, ALL WOUNDS, ALL HURTS, ALL those STRESSES...I have nothing but Praise in my heart, and it feels good to know beyond anything else, that God is with me, taking care of me and my boys...healing me and my boys! When we were desperately praying for Colin's healing and for our miracle of his healing, i wasn't fully aware how God would use those prayers for healing, and extend them far beyond just Colin, but also to all of those who knew and loved him...and to all of you who walked and are still walking this road with us!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I forgot how much i love to sing! Ok, you're probably thinkin', "huh?" but i've grown up in the church singing my heart whole life I feel like God put oppertunities to share throuh song, in my path with school, grads and stuff and programs through choir and music at our church, I felt like God entrusted me with a gift and i always just loved to sing! In the van, at home, in the backyard, now with my kids. Only now i feel like it's ok to sing again. Obviously God used this period in my life to teach me a set of completely different lessons and i am so grateful He did. This period of crisis taught me to LISTEN...around every corner, or every turn of events, there were so many things we just did not know. How treatments were going to go, how quickly Colin would recover, who was going to help us care for the boys and how we were going to make it all work. I learned very early on, with my wanting to figure it all out fast kind of nature, God was forcing me to sit and LISTEN and WAIT on Him to work it all out and make it all happen. HIS plan was what was important...not the plan i worked out perfectly in my head for how i thought things were supposed to go. By beginning to learn this hard lesson, i also felt like i just couldn't open up to singing in anywhere more public than alone, in my car on the trips to and from Calgary. I never lost my love to sing, but my singing was my pleading prayers to God through worshiping in my car. If i was headed to Calgary, i would plead for God to keep the boys safe and to bless those who were caring for get my head in the game to being a cargiver to my husband....then on the way back home, if Colin wasn't able to be with me, i would plead for God to keep Colin and heal him from this aweful disaster of a situation which was our life at that point. Singing is such a personal part of how i'm able to share my heart, but i was really trying to soak in the lessons of listening and hearing where God was wanting to use us through it all. Even if we were able to be at church, i just couldn't actually make an audible tune...i was silenced by actually listening to the words of those songs, the one's you grow up singing week after week...they lose their meaning..but i was learning to love the meaning of those songs, and God was showing me how beautiful music can be, if we quiet ourselves long enough to listen. Along with loving to sing, i'm finding it in me once again to praise...Praise is a powerful thing, it has this amazing way of bringing healing and release to my exhausted empowers me that through Christ, i can keep running, i am able to keep going because this life hasn't stopped for us. God has something, and i'm slowly realizing that it's ok to want or believe that God is going to bring good, and He already has, but that we can thrive and grow and be excited that God has not forgotten about us here! His plans for Colin have been carried out...but there are still plans in the works for us here, and i'm learning that it's ok to be excited for that...ok, i admit that again, my picture is probably WAY off of what God will actually bring about, and that scares me a little, having gone through the past year..BUT...God is a good God, and i have to TRUST that HE is guiding me....HE hasn't steered me wrong yet...i have no reason NOT to trust i'm jumping in and holding on for dear life for what's next!

The song by Christy Nokels, "Healing is in Your Hands" says;
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know, can keep us from Your love
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough, to keep us from Your love
How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your Hands
How Deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand, Healing is in Your Hands
Our present, our future, our past is in Your hands, we're covered by Your Blood
In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerors, we're covered by Your Blood!
These rich words, are words that have brought me such healing and promise and passion to keep seeking and keep drawing on a God who has vowed to love and protect me since time began! I pray that these words, no matter where you are in life, can give you that same rich meaning and promise, and that you can find praise and healing wherever you are!
Sweet Dreams!
Luv, Melissa

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Again, I'm Speechless!

Did you know that although being a small city, Medicine Hat is the most incredible little city i could have ever dreamed possible?! I say this not for it's amazing topography or the breathtaking views..(catch the sarcasm), but for the most amazing people who reside here! Today the Medicine Hat Police Association hosted a fundraiser BBQ and garage sale in hopes to help with our boy's future educations! I have already seen such blessings from all of our extended family at the Medicine Hat Police Service, and again, i am found speechless at how blessed we have been through these people who again and again go above and beyond! From the minute Colin was hired to be a policeman in this city, he was so very honoured to be apart of these men and woman who work so hard to keep us safe! I can say so very honestly that Colin is smiling SO hugely, with tears streaming down his face (from where he is in Heaven) again, SO proud to have been apart of this community and this local Police family! I am also so very honoured to be apart of this extended police family, even now that Colin is gone, you have taken such GREAT loving care of me and my boys, and we are so very thankful for you all!
To those friends and family and people from the community who came out and donated garage sale items to support us on this day, again, i say that i am so richly blessed to be apart of such a kind and generous city of people who surround and support each other through time of crisis and need! I pray God's Richest Blessings over each one of you, I don't know you all, but God does! A big Thank you to our neighbours who is also apart of our Police family, who donated all the HUMONGOUS bouncy castles for all the kids to play on (Bounce of Fun, i believe the name is)....speaking on behalf of my own two boys, they were sweaty and red faced and i couldn't wipe their smiles away if i wanted too! There are just no words to properly thank each one of you who has taken time out of this day and days leading up to today to help out! God is good, Thank you for allowing HIM to use YOU to bless our boys!
Loving each one of you!
Melissa (and Corban and Keegan)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Tidbits of Strength...

Our first real week of this "school" thing is almost done and i'm thinking we can get the hang of it for sure! Corban has done well, a few tears today but he said his teacher cheered him up! What a blessing to have good teachers to care for our beloved little ones!
i'm really lovin' this cozy day, it's been a busy one, Keegan and i have been all over visiting friends and getting stuff crossed off my list! He's my BIG helper! We're having a lot of fun reading TONS of books, too, it's bringing it all back from what i used to do with Corban...reading the same one's over and over and over...need i say more?! haha it's funny how fast you forget just having one child when #2 hits the ground running! haha
i'm thankful...God's presence is continually showing me where to step and how to get through this...AND that i can stand on my own two feet and do this!...i'm seeing HIS encouragement in the kid's bible stories, where before i was just reading words to my kids, it's like God is speaking to me in more than just my quiet times, and i love how safe that makes us! I pray my boys feel that same peace, and safety that is surrounding us! I feel like a kid looking back at their parents yelling, "look at me, Daddy! i'm really doing it!" Not me, per say, but God is going before me each day, and at times, i can even tell that He's set me down to walk on my own beside Him for a time...carrying is still in the order, but He's showing me that i can walk with HIM and that i will weather this storm and come out stronger through Christ for having walked it! Sometimes i can feel a little of that strength and other times, there's not an ounce in me and i'm begging God for any little bit HE can day at a time...and tonite, my blanket, hot cup of tea and the fireplace upstairs is calling my name...need to go relax and watch some good shows!
Love, Melissa

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Just Keep Swimming...

My Dearest Corban:
You went to school today! Your first day of kindergarten! My heart is broken but so full of joy. You have begun a process of growth and learning, an adventure to fin who you are and who God is dreaming you to become! God has such BIG plans for you, my boy! Such a gentle and loving spirited little man. I want you to know that today and each day forward i could not be more proud and in love with you! I pray that as the days, months and years pass you will be open to our God and HIS purpose in your life! I promise you, that not a day will go by that you will not know the love your Daddy had for you but also the intense love that your Father in Heaven has for you! How proud they both are of you, in this moment, and in the many moments to come! May you always know the love of your Heavenly Father who hurts with you, cries for you and heals your broken heart as many times as needed! HE longs to love you more than any earthly daddy could be capable of loving...I'd say you're a pretty blessed little boy to know and experience that kind of love! Keegan and I will miss you so much when you're gone, but we will be praying down the minutes till we see you after school! You'll be ok, and when you're not, i'll be here to hold you and we'll pray your tears away! What a BIG boy you are and what an indescribable JOY you have brought to my life! I love you beyond words! Be Blessed today, your first day of school!
Love, Your Mommy

Ps. I write this as Corban is fast asleep, exhausted from a fun and full day at school! What fun he had, and such great stories he told me about hunting for pictures of animals and having 3 recesses! We finished the day with a bike ride after supper and he was singing little songs from his music class...He told Keegan he was too tired from school to play ball with him...a few minutes later they were wrestling on the floor:) God is GOOD! We ALL had a good day, it was quiet for me and keegan but we dove into a TON of books and he was mommy's little helper all day! His nap was the first quiet time thru the day i've had in over 2.5 years~never realized how much i loved that mid-day bit of down time! Nothing like i imagined the first day of school of my little man....i whispered a number of times in the van on the way to the school how much i missed Colin and how our plans to face this day together didn't get to be played out, but he was there, I believe he had a little bird's eye view of his little social butterfly having a great first day!
Onto planning for Thursday...Corban's schedule is Tues, Thurs and Friday's so we'll see how the rest of the week plays out...tonite, i know he'll sleep good! So will I! i'm glad that this day is under our belts...."just keep swimming" is chiming thru my remembered to breathe, you'd be proud of me, a lot of deep breaths, Keegan was even echoing my breaths...pretty cute!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Monday, September 6, 2010

Getting into a Good Groove...

A verse that has been on my heart and in my mind today has been one out of James (a personal favorite of mine to read), chapter 1 verse 2-4: "Consider it pure JOY, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
Again i am reminded how much our lives have been changed forever by the course of events over the last year and a bit was 2 whole months, yesturday, that Colin has been gone....i don't even know what to say to respond to that time. What i can tell you is that we are feeling so safe and cozy and settled in our new home, which was the best decision God layed out for me and the boys to have a fresh start. I keep looking around still in awe that we got the house of our dreams, Colin would be just over the moon excited about this house if he were here. Me and the boys are establishing our little family unit again, and i feel so good about the progress we've been making. Obviously life has been pretty quiet, just catching up with friends and having lots of playdates to keep busy...but the past few days, for the first time since Colin's been gone, i feel like i'm safe enough to stay home...not having to be so busy all the time. I feel the beginning of healing and restoration taking place, and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, my heart hurts, but i know God is hurting with me, and He's also the One carrying me through that hurt to have some good happy heart times too! I've never heard anywhere that this life we live won't bring us trials or tough times, but i do know that God has already overcome this world, so we can find our hope in those promises! Today, i've already cleaned the bathrooms, planned out Corban's lunch, i have his backpack all packed up and ready to go, and we've already planned breakfast in the morning, too! We are as ready as we'll ever be for this day. Boy, everything i envisioned for this moment is so backwards...Colin and i were just trying to get him to be there for this day, but God had other plans, and we have to be ok with that. I may not like it, but i'm ok with it, because we had bigger prayers of healing that needed to be addressed and i guess God knew and trusted me alone, to handle this momentous occasion in our son's life. I can honestly tell you i am so completely excited for him to start school, to watch him learn and grow and make friends...he deserves this time to learn! I am also so grateful to have some "catch up" time with Keegan...i feel like i completely missed out on his little life from age 1 until 2, so now for tomorrow when we get back home from getting Corban off to school, i am planning on getting the biggest stack of books and just sitting on the couch with my littlest man, and catching up on all the reading i missed out on! I know, i don't have to do it all in one day, i'm sure we won't get very far, but he loves to read, and i want to honor that and be with him to read those books, like mommy's do! I am being a mommy, exactly what i've wanted to do and to be my whole life, and i'm so excited that we are falling into this groove of the 3 of us that feels so simple and perfect and normal. Our normal, and i'm determined to make it the best normal life for my two little men! I just never thought this transition would come, it was always far off, and now it's tomorrow....i'm praying like crazy it all goes ok...don't worry i'll be updating you on how we make out tomorrow! Just Breathe...right?! oh ya, i actually need to do it, and not just write it;)
love, Melissa

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Candid Thoughts

I can't believe how fast this week has flown by! Here i think i have an entire week to prepare for Corban's first day of school and it's fast approaching! I have heard so many mom's being in that same place over the last few weeks and to all of you moms out there who have sent your babies off to school or high school or college, i admire your strength and courage, and pray i have the same when the day comes. There's comfort in knowing we are not alone and that so many mommy's have walked this path and are there to offer all sorts of wisdom and advice!
I am quickly learning the power that stress has on the human body....something that you can't see, only feel the effects of, kinda like God's Spirit and His power, but totally negative;) I guess the adrenaline and fast-paced life of Colin's last few months is now finally catching up....whoa, headaches have been my body's way of showing stress, which was good cuz i can push through a headache but the last 5 days of a bad headache slowly turned into a migraine which was like none i've ever had so far! Today, i'm am SO thankful that i am pain-free from that nasty headache! We've been out to the park and had a picnic on the driveway when we came home, and the best part is that the boys are having a "good, well-behaved" day, well, so far...i won't say an entire day until i see it happen. lol!
Sadly, i am coming to realize that my days of having that one or two or maybe three cups of AMAZING coffee in the morning, are dwindling...over the past year, i have become quite attatched to my coffee's each day, they were the only constant routine item in our whirlwind life....and i often wondered when my body would say, enough coffee for a's easy to stop drinking it when the instant i drink it, my stomach starts a small wildfire! Not sure what to do with that one, but i've written it on my "to ask" at the Doc when i go...ok, so enough information, i have been pretty candid, so i'm gonna stop now....I don't want this to sound like i'm complaining, no wait, let me reread it first....
ok so i just read it thru and it's all here, real and in truth with how we're living right now, so no need to change it...
whoa, my journal is laying open on the desk in front of me and i just read a portion of Ps 23: "Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me". Just like that tears freely flow cuz this portion of Gods word was what Colin constantly repeated the night before he passed away...for me the meaning of this verse is just how God takes us to the mountain by routing us thru the valley ~ He guides us right into His presence and for Colin, he was guided right into heaven's gates to be home with Jesus! The power of God to take any ounce of fear away from was inspiring to be apart of that, and see God so alive in those moments. Since then i see God's power to take away my fear, to ease our pain, and to erase my worries. I am reminded again to "just breathe" God is gonna take us through the rest and handle the details along the way. I sure hope my mountain comes....I can only imagine what an amazing mountain top Colin is on....we miss you sweetie...our thoughts are consumed by the amazing example of Christ you were, and how you loved so fully and so deeply, we are SO very blessed to have been on the recieving end of that love!
Love, Melissa

Monday, August 30, 2010

Keegan's Thoughts...

I am reminded yet again how, at such a young age, my little Keegan has such a profound understanding of our situation. I had to wash his bedding so i switched his pillow case to one of his Daddy's favorite t-shirts (it's Corban's thing, he has to have a t-shirt for a pillow case, just something Colin thought about and wanted them to do to remember him and feel close to him) anyhoo, Keegan sits up just before going to sleep and through his jumbled "just learning" little words, points to the t-shirt and says Daddy?! If you can picture the cutest perflexed look on a 2 year old's face, and then he proceeds to tell me about Daddy being gone, and points to different parts of his face and tells me about Daddy's owies and that he was sick! Then he squeezes his face together and says "cry", mommy, daddy, cry?! WOW...all of this almost 2 whole months after Colin's passing! So i then tried to simply explain that Daddy is not sick anymore, that he's all better in heaven playing with Jesus. But that we will all miss him very much. Needless to say i kinda lost him, but he nodded anyway, probably just to make me feel better. I need to give him more credit with the amount of information he retains these days, he's not a little baby anymore, he my big boy.
So on the coldest day of the week, tonite me and the boys went on a bike ride to Nana and Papa's house and picked them up and we all went for a great little bike ride all around the trails in our neighbourhood...just before getting to the turn where we go up to our new house, Corban wants to take the alley way instead so we had to keep going straight instead of making the turn...Keegan starts to cry and yell, "home, home", because he thinks we're not headed home! aww, again just another example of both how much he know without me really being aware of it, and just how much me and my boys feel home and settled in our new house! God is SO good, and amisdt of our daily reminders that it's just the three of us now, this move and this new routine that we're settling into is good, it's healing, so far i haven't been able to really consciously feel like there is any "healing" taking place. BUT it is, whether i'm aware of it or not, it is and we are just trying to keep our heads up and enjoy each other and our families and friends, and oh what amazing friends and family that are around us! I am still so constantly being reminded that although Colin isn't here, our friends are still so generously taking care of me and the boys, keeping us busy with playdates and suppers and just hangin' out! We have SO much to be SO thankful for!
Corban still has this week off and come next Tuesday, Sept. 7th, he's gonna be a big school boy! I'm secretly glad we still have this week for me to prepare, he's so pumped, but i'm a big ball of nerves, which with every worry, i'm praying them to God to take care of, He's taken care of everything so far, so i'm just gonna keep going with a really great thing!
ok, i'm gonna go muster up some energy to be productive of some kind this evening! Keep warm!
Luv, Melissa

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sunday Treats!

Oh, your comments are too kind! I love sitting at the computer and scrolling to my blog and reading your encouraging words, cuz it makes me smile....Thank You!
Guess What!??! Today was Sunday #2 that i was able to actually sit in a pew in church and be a sponge to soak up God's word and comfort! YEAY...Most of our summer and well, the past year, has been getting the boys in to their respective Sunday school classes and making sure they are comfortable to stay...usually with me hovering around close by...which is my number 1 priority, but it has been extra special for me to be able to get some time to go into my own "sunday school" and get filled up a bit's been too long and i feel so blessed that me and my boys are settling back into our Sunday Church routine!
i'm sitting here looking at Keegan, his face full of crusted on icing from his Timbits we got after church...that was our thing....every Sunday for a treat after church, Colin and i would take the boys on a Tim's date and get a coffee and Tim Bits to enjoy...i want to keep that little "treat" for me and the boys! Especially on a rainy day like today, what's better than a hot coffee and quiet boys because they are enjoying their "mini donuts" as Corban calls them!
Each day music is a big part of our being at home life...but lately, Corban is not able to listen to anything but up beat tunes....he cries every time he hears a slower song or a worship song...he says he misses daddy...poor lil guy...but i guess i'm just trying to be sensitive to him and we have a good cry and a good talk, so it brings out more communication which i'm grateful for. AND our little Keegie, boy he's gonna be a worshipper, that one! All he wants to do is sit at the computer and sing or "shin" as he calls i have the cutest kids in the world...i guess i'm biased! lol. Well the past few days have been quiet and i love it, last night i actually sat and watched a movie again....i can't even remember the last time i did that! Just getting back to the basics and keepin' life pretty simple, that's been the best thing so far!
ok, i need to go get lunch ready...happy cozy Sunday!
love, Melissa

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sometimes Hard to Read...

Whoa! I have to apologize, that last entry was a little rambled and jumbled together. It must be hard to read my scattered thoughts on this blog...makes me realize what amazing people i have in my life to even take the time out to read my thoughts and experiences at all! So, THANK YOU!

Gettin' Back To Business...

I need to be quick, cuz i just refilled my coffee and i told the boys i would be right back down. They are riding their scooters in the basement, honestly, we've been having so much fun. I finally feel like my boys are back and i have a little bit of me back too, we've all been talking lots and just enjoying each other. Is it just me or did this week fly by? We have been enjoying bike riding and playing at the park this week and just doing a whole lot of nothing....I'm finding it so incredibly refreshing to be a friend again. To whisper more than breath prayers for my friends and family is the most amazing thing. I've had so many people invest their prayers and time and efforts and energy into Colin, the boys and myself over the last year and now...I am finally able to start investing in my friends and really pray not just little prayers when i say i'm going to pray. It feels so good! Being able to have suppers with friends and family and just enjoy the moments fully and completely! Speaking of which, i think we're going to go for a Booster Juice field trip, a date morning with my boys! FUN!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

Monday, August 23, 2010

Night Lights and BIG Dreams...

Man, sleep just isn't coming for me tonite. I keep closing my eyes and having falshbacks to Colin's last hours before he passed away. The last night i spend rushing around at all hours of the night tending to his every him injections of pain meds and anti-anxiety stuff to help keep him as comfortable as possible. I'm having a tough time even envisioning how that was was i able to function efficiently when i felt like everyone around me needed something from me...well, i'm actually not quite sure how effective i was, i'll let family and friends decide that for me, but if it wasn't for the beautiful calming Grace of God, i wouldn't have survive it.
As me and the boys were in our van driving today, i was thinking, in the 7 short but so wonderful years Colin and I were married, i'm pretty sure all my dreams came true. I know you're thinking, "such a cliche". Honestly, for as long as i can remember, all i dreamed of was getting out of school, meeting my perfect God-sent husband, who God absolutely delivered and blew me away with Colin! AND getting married and having a family. In my mind, true success and riches was emcompassed in this very simple but so beautiful picture...All i ever wanted to do when i grew up was to be a wife and a mommy, and God granted me all of my dreams. In another breath, i'm left in this weird nothingness...trying to be a fully function parent, and honestly making it my goal in each day not to be so impatient with my boys. Mentally making the choice to smile and find the good that God has blessed us with in each moment. But now my new reality is that i have to start back at the beginning with my dreams....i don't even know what that really means, i'm just trying to figure out who my boys are after all of this, not to mention that i don't really even know who i am anymore! I mean, i know who i am in Christ, and i guess that's all i need to worry about but i know that God desires us to dream BIG dreams and i pray i'll someday feel like i can start to dream again! The day of the funeral, when i was ready to leave and everyone had already gone home, this friend of our family's came to me and hugged me, and she told me she was excited to see what God has in the days ahead, what He has for my future. I keep forgetting that i'm still here to have the future....and it's ok for me to pray that God will bless the future that me and my boys have ahead of us.
I bought myself a night light today...everyone has a crutch, and for my whole life mine has been that i don't like being in the dark alone. When Colin and I got married to remember telling him that i was so excited to be able to go to bed every night for the rest of my life not having to be alone in the dark anymore. Lately with my not sleeping very well, the dark is so deafening and i find myself anxiously awaiting my late night wake ups, having to turn on a light to get myself back to sleep now, i'm proud to say, me and the boys have great night lights in all our rooms, albeit the boys have cooler one's than mine, but if we can all sleep a little more peacefully, what's the harm?! I'm sure not afraid to share my fear, i've shared so much with you all already, you might as well know everything!
ok, now to go up and try it out, hopefully this will be the start of more dreams being born....or maybe someday soon!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Long Overdue Good Days!

Wow...i just finished cutting the huggest, juiciest red onion! I'm still crying from it, so forgive me if i make some typo's more so than usual:)
Well, we have been kinda long overdue on having a stretch of good days, and i'm so very thankful to report we are on day #2 of some REALLY good days! Quiet, has been the common theme, no one around just kinda doing our own thing...i've made it my priority to try to spend as much quality and quantity time with Corban, alongside Keegna, haha! It has been a blast! I've notice an immediate change in Corban as well, for the good. Your comments and advice on kids trying to depict their emotions whatever they may be was SO helpful and i so much appreciate and FEEL your prayers with my boys! I'm glad we are havin some good times, the momentum keeps us floating in the tough ones! i've been catching up with a lot of my friends that i haven't been able to spend time with throughout this past year....i'm enjoying being a friend again and hearing and investing in my beauitful friends, since they have spent so much of their time investing in us lately!
I'm entering into this extreme tired phase, or something, i just can't get energy for a whole lot lately, i mean, i'm trying my best with the boys and i'm running around but it takes every fibre in me to keep that pace the whole day till bedtimes! It would help tremendously if i could get some quality sleeping time in, but i think that might be asking for too much right now! I don't want to complain, just kinda checking off on the list of things that are so called "normal" through this process. Normal, such an overrated word, and really i've found it means pretty much nothing...each of us are so unique and our situations are so different, i hate being placed into a box of normal, it's too easy! Whoa, sorry. Just venting my "normal" frustrations:) i'm done now!
Tonight the boys are going to spend some time with my parents while i go hang out with some of our best friends for fondue! I can't wait, should be a good time! I am still trying to get used to the fact that i'm on my own for our "couple" hang out times, but having these people in my life and being supported by them is non-negotiable for me, so they are stuck with "Missy" whether they like it or not! haha
Anyhoo, gotta go have a mean game of Mario Kart with Corban on the Wii!
Talk Soon!
Luv, Melissa

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Fork in the Road...

Waking up to no Reverse Osmosis water coming out of the tap this morning as i tried to make my coffee, then rushing downstairs with that sinking feeling, and sure enough stepping onto the basement floor with water puddling through my toes, was not such a relaxing start! It was well after 1030am that i had the kids fed and watered and the "water" situation in the basement all cleaned up. Thanks to my Dad always being, "just a phone call away", we had the plumber called and the problem fixed within the hour. My mom came with the shop vac and together we cleaned up and cleared out the "wet" areas and put the fans on to air everything out. Did you know that this was the first time i've ever had a problem like that?! Even with Colin being around, we had never had anything like that happen to us. What a blessing. As i went around with teh vacuum hose sucking up all the water, i wondered how much "more" was going to happen?! I'm not even going to go there...Breathe, and i did, and it was ok...after we all got dressed and ready and i finally got my great cup of coffee, i found myself at a crossroads to my day...good or bad, my choice, to be honest, that's a powerful choice, one which i wish i don't always have to, we did what anyone in my position would do. I turned up our favorite mix of music and me and the boys had a nice long fabulous DANCE PARTY! I remember reading somewhere, or maybe not, that dancing works off stress, and stress was the order of the day, so what a GREAT way to destress our morning! We were all laughing and smiling, although i had to choose to put my smile there, all i really felt like doing was going back to bed and laying in a puddle of my own tears, but as each song played, it got easier and i soon didn't have to try so hard anymore! God is GOOD!
"Sigh"..i am at my wits end for my dearest Corban though, i just don't know what it has been lately, but he is just a different kid...something that i've been before in him from time to time, just testing us out and seeing how consistent we still are on the rules....BUT each time in the past, Colin would take him and "talk" with him and it was like he somehow had this magical recipe for getting Corban to "come out" of whatever funk he was in....but now i don't have my sweet Colin to call on for back up, and i'm a little lost on what to do...just trying not to get aggrevated at some of the things he does or says is a battle in itself....i just hate having to do this, with his great big wound still oozing and fresh....i'm overwhelmed and so tired and i know that no one else but me can get him through this....just makes me see how long the road is ahead for our missing "daddy". This just plain sucks and i hate living through this, but one thing i read in the first grief book i opened the other day was that God doesn't take away the pain of grief, He grieves with us, and cries with us, it's how God's love really works! "That's why every person who truly deeply share the pain of your grief with you is going God's work!" (Kenneth C. Haugk) How profoud of a statement! How comforting i feel with the blanket of God's love around me! Walking with God hasn't kept us from the pain of the process BUT it has opened us up to such a raw and unfailing, reckless abandon, kind of love....A God who has felt and hurt and been just as broken as we have been through this....HE KNOWS and I am trying not to lose sight that God has some sort of "something" good to bring out of this. Colin was SO precious, and such a rare gift for us all to have shared, but sometimes i forget that God has something for us, the one's who are left here to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess of the aftermath! Oh God, bring fruit from such intense pain, please, i beg of You to keep carrying me, and all of us who are walking this grief together!
By you who encourage, you are being used beyond your wildest dreams to bless me and keep me going through this time....i am FOREVER changed and thankful for your kindness and willingness to be used in that way!
Love, Melissa