Monday, August 23, 2010

Night Lights and BIG Dreams...

Man, sleep just isn't coming for me tonite. I keep closing my eyes and having falshbacks to Colin's last hours before he passed away. The last night i spend rushing around at all hours of the night tending to his every him injections of pain meds and anti-anxiety stuff to help keep him as comfortable as possible. I'm having a tough time even envisioning how that was was i able to function efficiently when i felt like everyone around me needed something from me...well, i'm actually not quite sure how effective i was, i'll let family and friends decide that for me, but if it wasn't for the beautiful calming Grace of God, i wouldn't have survive it.
As me and the boys were in our van driving today, i was thinking, in the 7 short but so wonderful years Colin and I were married, i'm pretty sure all my dreams came true. I know you're thinking, "such a cliche". Honestly, for as long as i can remember, all i dreamed of was getting out of school, meeting my perfect God-sent husband, who God absolutely delivered and blew me away with Colin! AND getting married and having a family. In my mind, true success and riches was emcompassed in this very simple but so beautiful picture...All i ever wanted to do when i grew up was to be a wife and a mommy, and God granted me all of my dreams. In another breath, i'm left in this weird nothingness...trying to be a fully function parent, and honestly making it my goal in each day not to be so impatient with my boys. Mentally making the choice to smile and find the good that God has blessed us with in each moment. But now my new reality is that i have to start back at the beginning with my dreams....i don't even know what that really means, i'm just trying to figure out who my boys are after all of this, not to mention that i don't really even know who i am anymore! I mean, i know who i am in Christ, and i guess that's all i need to worry about but i know that God desires us to dream BIG dreams and i pray i'll someday feel like i can start to dream again! The day of the funeral, when i was ready to leave and everyone had already gone home, this friend of our family's came to me and hugged me, and she told me she was excited to see what God has in the days ahead, what He has for my future. I keep forgetting that i'm still here to have the future....and it's ok for me to pray that God will bless the future that me and my boys have ahead of us.
I bought myself a night light today...everyone has a crutch, and for my whole life mine has been that i don't like being in the dark alone. When Colin and I got married to remember telling him that i was so excited to be able to go to bed every night for the rest of my life not having to be alone in the dark anymore. Lately with my not sleeping very well, the dark is so deafening and i find myself anxiously awaiting my late night wake ups, having to turn on a light to get myself back to sleep now, i'm proud to say, me and the boys have great night lights in all our rooms, albeit the boys have cooler one's than mine, but if we can all sleep a little more peacefully, what's the harm?! I'm sure not afraid to share my fear, i've shared so much with you all already, you might as well know everything!
ok, now to go up and try it out, hopefully this will be the start of more dreams being born....or maybe someday soon!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa


  1. Melissa,
    You don't have to apologize for being honest and open. It helps us to pray for you better. Getting a night light to help you sleep isn't a sign of weakness, it's a way to cope with a very natural fear.

    God will give you new dreams to dream. I'm convinced of that. He says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:19)

    Being in the desert and the wasteland of grief and loneliness is not pleasant. Everyone goes through different deserts - yours is especially hard and dry. But take heart, have hope, just do what you need to do each day because God is present. He is making a way even though you can't see it just yet.

    Auntie Lorrie

  2. Ah Missy I read this and I will share alongside you that I too have issues with the dark and have also made use of a night light. You are not alone and if a little light is what we need then so be it!

    Something I remember saying a lot to God in the early stages was this life of mine no longer looks anything like I had imagined it would but I am so curious amidst this pain to what you have in store for me. It is very different from how I thought it would be cause I too was not a career driven girl but ever since I can remember my dream was to marry and have children. Being a housewife to some is not enough and that is just fine it is not wrong but to me it was everything I ever wanted. So I would say to God I know you have a plan for my life to prosper and not harm me but in light of my loss I am so curious cause I just can't imagine what it will be. But hang on Missy cause I promise you He does have a plan and it too will be good. I used to be a home body and it was my safe place but after I lost Lorne my refuge was in keeping busy and I spent so much more time away from home than before. So different from where I envisioned myself to be but it was what kept me sane through those tough days.

    Whatever we walk through, each being our own separate journey within the common denominater that we have as widows, just remember it is okay. We process all in our own way and time. Remember to allow yourself to be human. I have said this many times to people who say they don't know how I do it. I say firstly, I didn't have a choice but more importantly I say God gives us strength we never dreamt we had. And I say that more and more as I look back on my situation and on your journey as you walk through it. I stand in awe at all you have come through and how you have handled it. Missy, you have a whole life left in front of you. Your past will never be replaced....what is to come does not replace it but it is simply your future and there will be joy because His word promises us that. I say to you words that one day you will hear from a much Higher power....I say well done good and faithful servant. You were the Godly wife to Colin till death did you part. You fulfilled your vows and you did it with excellence. Take comfort in that if you can. You served to the highest capability and made Colin's life a wonderful life here on earth! I still cry when I quote this but it is so true. Missy, you were his whole life and he was a chapter in yours. It is a quote from PS I Love You and I love that quote except I tend to change it a bit cause they are more than a chapter .... for me at least half a book but nevertheless we had the honour of being their whole life. Now our journey is not complete and there are chapters left to fill. I have a book engraved on Lorne's tombstone in memory of this quote and below I had written.....Love Lives On. It does, in my children, in who I am because of him and yes in my new chapter I have now started.

    I wish I could wash away your pain completely but experience has taught me that to heal we need to allow ourselves to feel.

    I love you bunches, Yvonne

  3. Melissa,
    It sounds like you are making a huge effort to be patient with Corban and Keegan, allowing them to feel and act according to their feelings. I pray that you give yourself the same patience. Moms have moments: hair pulling, what have I done, what am I going to do moments. In everything you are dealing with, you of all moms, are allowed those moments. On hard days when you feel like it's just the beginning and you wonder how you will do it, while you wonder, another day passes. Like you said you will take one day at a time with our loving God. It is still so early, you are doing amazing. You are in our prayers daily and I really appreciate your blogging so we can pray effectively.

    also scared of the dark,
    Michelle Isaak

  4. Dear Missy,

    When Brad worked nights, at the truck stop and delivering newspapers, I also slept with my little lamp on. I hope that you had a restful sleep.

    Thinking of you,