Sunday, August 15, 2010

Lonely Dayz..

So I kinda feel more like things are getting back to a new normal. We are planning for school shopping for Corban this week and hopefully getting out to take a tour at the school sometime before he starts! Groceries, know the normal "life" kind of stuff. It's lonely though...we went for brunch this morning after church and i keep noticing all these couples, not younger, but the one's who have been married for 20 something years....Now i have to start all over again, if i even make it that far....How heartbreaking in Corban's Sunday School class this morning when all the kids were saying that their Daddy's all have bibles and do fun things with them...Corban couldn't say that....not that he even showed it bothered him, but it bothered me to hear it and not hear the same excitment in Corban's voice. Colin was SUCH an incredible Daddy, something i just loved to sit back and watch him do, something we was born to be, a Daddy. I am just so sad today that we don't get to watch him be that "daddy" to our boys anymore. How do others get used to this loss? I sometimes have good days where i think, "ok, we're gonna go this, we're gonna be just fine", then i have overwhelming thoughts of, "we've only just begun, how are we ever gonna make it without him?". This cyclical emotional wave pattern that i am going through is really getting old. I am finding such comfort and peace in being in our new home, being settled and establishing the "3" of us now. I'm getting more and more comfortable with just being "us" on our own. God is good, even Keegan is starting to say his prayers now, i wish Colin could sit and listen to him try to pray with Corban and i now, it's the cutest thing in the whole world! I guess, in this season, Sundays are tough days right now, because Colin and i loved just being the 4 of us, and Sundays were just another perfect excuse to do that, have more family time, and it's just really lonely here without him to be with us on these comfy cozy's the silly little things that get me;) We'll be ok!
On to a new week with lots to do, our days are filling and it's good to stay at least a little busy right now! Ya know? I used to be this "homebody", where you couldn't pay me enough to be busy and running errands, being right in the center of my home and my family was where i wanted to be every i'm finding i just can't do as much of that hurts too much to be totally at home all the time, without the 5 o'clock Daddy's home time when he comes in the front door and we all catch up on our days, this fall i am dreading that the most...i completely love being a mommy to my boys, but it's just not the same without my other half, my "better" half! i find i just can't quite enjoy things in the same way i used too! I hope it gets back really really soon!
p.s. Sorry i'm a downer...kinda feel like more of the "fog" has been lifting lately...guess it's par for the course!


  1. Dear Melissa - please don't apologize for being real. You are a remarkably strong woman and I think it's amazing you're able to articulate your thoughts and feelings so well - feelings that are neither right nor wrong, they just are. I continue to pray for you and your boys as you come to each new "first" without Colin. Many Blessings, Coleen Boxell

  2. I echo coleen... your honesty about your feelings is beautiful and real... and your ability and willingness to express it shows something that I believe is strength... When my mom was sick with cancer, I found it was hard to share my actual feelings and so I kind of avoided it... I hope you never feel that you have to do that. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Kim

  3. Melissa - we too will echo what has been said before! Don't apologize for your feelings or for expressing them. There is nothing wrong with having those feelings or putting them into words. It is all part of the hurting/healing that you find yourself walking thru and sharing your hurts and dreams of what might have been is ok. We do continue to pray for you and your little men each and every day and shall pray that Sunday's get less lonely and easier for each of you to walk thru. Sending you a huge, huge hug and love -
    Joan and Larry

  4. Don't apologize for how you are feeling or sharing it with us. I think you are being a strong woman and mother. I pray God carry you and your boys till you all can walk on your own. We are hear with you if you ever need anything. Lots of love

    Jennie and Kris

  5. I know we can't replace Colin for you Melissa, and I know it is going to hurt to have a new Sunday routine. Please consider this your official standing invitation to join our happy chaos any Sunday you like - we'd be glad to have you at our house for pancakes or leftovers or whatever we can rummage in the fridge to find after church. :)

    Love, Lisa and the gang

  6. Hi Melissa...I love you :) and I can't see the keys through my hearts aches for you.
    Love Auntie Dawna

  7. I agree with every one else. You need to be real in grief, acknowledging how you feel, letting yourself feel what you feel, to move through it. It's so hard at the beginning (and middle and all parts really) when it seems like there is a mountain in front of you, how you will ever get over this enormous pile of grief. I remember feeling tired of feeling sad and hurting all the time. I just wanted it to go away, even if just for a couple of hours, even a couple of minutes of living pain free would've been a relief.
    But, it eases. One day, you realize you are climbing the mountain, and not staring it down. One day, you recognize that you've come a long ways, and that in itself brings comfort.
    Thank you for being real, for being honest. It's healthy and it's healing, for everyone, I think. It also gives us something to pray for when we feel so helpless to do anything else.
    Praying God's peace and comfort and presence in your heart and in your home today.

  8. Melissa - I havent left a comment in awhile but I wanted you to know that we still think of you and your precious boys often and have been continuing to pray for you all as you embark on your journey down this new path. Your honest words have touched so many hearts and your Godly wisdom even through lifes hardest moments is truely inspiring. Even when you feel like you can't do it, you do. God is with you always - and Colin will forever be a part of all of you no matter how much time passes or how many changes come.
    Continue to hold fast to our savior - with him as our foundation we can not fail.
    Praying for peace of mind, comfort in your day to day, and joy in all moments, even the hard ones.
    Thank you again for sharing your journey. You are an amazing woman! God has used you so greatly! May he continue to.

  9. Oh my sweet girl- you are doing so well....can you imagine? It's only been a little over a month. It's still going to hurt, there's still so much 'realizing' to do. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, some steps may be shaky, some on solid ground. It's life, it's beautiful, and sometimes not so much. Our Jesus is still holding your hand, and the boys' too! We love you!- Chandy

  10. Dear Melissa,

    I read this a few days ago, when you posted it and really didn't know what to say. I've been thinking about you a lot.
    I'll add my echo to the words of others - acknowledging your grief and pain is healing. By giving voice to the ache and hurt you help yourself and you help others to understand.
    Praying for you with love,

    Auntie Lorrie

  11. Oh I soooo know that feeling of "weekends" Sunday was very much our family day too and for so long it was really hard and just lonely, it's hard to have that sad feeling that you know just won't go away like that! It does get better... hard to believe though. You are looking to the Lord and that is what will get you through, he is faithful as you know;) Psalm 62 was really encouraging to me last night, maybe it will be the same for you!
    I think of you so often, praying for you each time...