Monday, August 2, 2010

Protect My Hurting Heart.

To be honest, today has been a day that i have been dreading since Colin passed away. Today waking up, i just needed to ask for strength to get through this day as fast as possible. Our 7th Anniversary...we didn't quite make it, but i count it 7 of the most wonderful years filled with so much love and happiness. How incredibly lucky i am to have had my true love for those years. I have never met a man who had more patience and love than Colin. How he was as husband and a daddy, just blew me away that someone would be so constant and unchanging in those things, one of the most precious things to me, one of many reasons why i married him, his patience...and how he loved so strongly by being so patient. My heart hurts so was easier to keep busy all day, but i found myself being unpleasantly impatient with our makes me so sad, because i can hear Colin's words to me, just breathe, sweetie, it's ok. It's not ok, he's gone....what i wouldn't give to have just one more hour with him, to see him smile so big and hear his one in a million laugh and the sound of him when he got excited playing with the boys. Tears, healing tears are streaming down my face....i wish i could have one more date more time that i could hold his hand or give him a kiss. I wish i could have gotten to go and meet Jesus with him, how amazing of a time he must be having there in heaven, whole....i kept making sure that in the days before he passed that he would make sure if he saw Jesus that he would come and get me, and try to explain to me, if he could, what it was like....All he was able to do was yell for me and say that he saw Jesus and that He was hugging him, so tightly and it wasn't stopping....i feel that too, just not in the same way i'm sure.
I have this aweful feeling of homesickness that won't go away...I want for just a moment for things to go back to the 4 of us. For one more walk to the park, one more lunch or supper out at more cuddle night watching cartoons before the boys go to bed. "With every song and every breath, i will do it Praising You, When i must fight with all that's left, I will do it Praising You..." those words i am bathing in now as i type listening to some of our favorite worship music. One song by Kerri Roberts called "No Matter What". It is the most fitting song for me in our situation, there is one line that says, "before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through YOUR Hands.." I have never thought of this before i heard that verse, and i believe so strongly this is what God is doing in my life...HE is controlling the level of my aching heart, and HE is making sure that I can still go on, as long as i'm trusting and needing and loving HIM!!! I have nothing in me but Praise for a loving God who would care to protect me from this kind of pain! As for my thoughts, i have no more words, i just need to take some "me" time, in the quiet that surrounds me, it's not bad, it's kinda nice, healing in it's own way....Thanks for listening to me ramble, i seem to do it alot!
Love, Melissa


  1. Thinking of you today Melissa...hugs to you as you go through this process to come to a place of complete healing and peace.
    Love you lots
    Auntie Dawna

  2. Melissa:

    I wish there was something I could say to you, or do for you, to make this all better; but of course, we know that can only come from God! I pray for you and the boys every night and think of you many times throughout my day.

    All my love!!
    Aunt Debbie

  3. Oh how sooo many of us would like to take away your pain you dear sweet girl! I am praying so hard for you that God would continue to give you the strength and peace that you so badly need to get through this journey! Remember how much you are loved by so many!
    Kelly Kurp

  4. You and your boys, and Colin's parents have been on my mind all day as I breathed prayers for grace and healing for you all.

  5. Hi Missy,

    We have been thinking about you this past week, as August 2nd has come and gone, just wanted to let you know we love you SO MUCH! Wish we could be there to spend time with you, maybe go out for coffee or watch the kids play together:o)You are always in out thoughts and prayers....

    Love, Taegen, Brad and family

  6. Hugs to you Melissa. The journey of firsts is a hard one. I still name the year of our anniversary even though Lorne is gone. On Saturday it was 28 years. I have no words of wisdom to offer other than sometimes we just have to let ourselves hurt for a bit. I think it too is part of the grieving process. I used to work so hard at trying to distract us all from hurting and then it hit me....sometimes I just have to hurt for a bit and then pick myself up and move on. From time to time I just had to allow myself to just sit and feel it. It's a different experience from the normal daily numbing hurt that is always there....we have lots of moments of joy and laughter but a widow can always put her finger on the hurt she carries close to her heart. As I said before, when I sit in those moments all I require of myself is to breathe. That's enough for that time span. We have lots of time to go about moving on so every once in awhile allow yourself to just stop and breathe! You have been through a lot in a short time. You are doing great! And I promise you with time it gets better. You will always love and miss him but with time it won't hurt so much to remember. When enough time passes and that varies from one person to the next....but you will recognize it cause it will feel sweet to sit and remember. Those times will be precious. Don't rush yourself sweet girl....all in God's time. I continue to be amazed at you but then I say why would are a true woman of God and I am so very proud of you. Love you lots, Yvonne Kreiser/Lutz

  7. The grant of one more wish, 1 more day, 1 more hour would be the wish of many who have and share the same love that you do for Colin.
    There will be a time, a place and a meeting that will bring you to him in its own good time Missy. Don't hurry it through for those here need you to carry on with the love instilled in you by Colin. Your boys, your family and your friends are here to help you overcome the sadness of loss and to help you heal the pain you have. Remember, you are not the only one that loves Colin and there are many who feel a great loss with his passing.There is definately strength in numbers and you are the leader of the family he watches over. Do him proud by loving what he gave you and what you have here to enjoy.