Monday, August 30, 2010

Keegan's Thoughts...

I am reminded yet again how, at such a young age, my little Keegan has such a profound understanding of our situation. I had to wash his bedding so i switched his pillow case to one of his Daddy's favorite t-shirts (it's Corban's thing, he has to have a t-shirt for a pillow case, just something Colin thought about and wanted them to do to remember him and feel close to him) anyhoo, Keegan sits up just before going to sleep and through his jumbled "just learning" little words, points to the t-shirt and says Daddy?! If you can picture the cutest perflexed look on a 2 year old's face, and then he proceeds to tell me about Daddy being gone, and points to different parts of his face and tells me about Daddy's owies and that he was sick! Then he squeezes his face together and says "cry", mommy, daddy, cry?! WOW...all of this almost 2 whole months after Colin's passing! So i then tried to simply explain that Daddy is not sick anymore, that he's all better in heaven playing with Jesus. But that we will all miss him very much. Needless to say i kinda lost him, but he nodded anyway, probably just to make me feel better. I need to give him more credit with the amount of information he retains these days, he's not a little baby anymore, he my big boy.
So on the coldest day of the week, tonite me and the boys went on a bike ride to Nana and Papa's house and picked them up and we all went for a great little bike ride all around the trails in our neighbourhood...just before getting to the turn where we go up to our new house, Corban wants to take the alley way instead so we had to keep going straight instead of making the turn...Keegan starts to cry and yell, "home, home", because he thinks we're not headed home! aww, again just another example of both how much he know without me really being aware of it, and just how much me and my boys feel home and settled in our new house! God is SO good, and amisdt of our daily reminders that it's just the three of us now, this move and this new routine that we're settling into is good, it's healing, so far i haven't been able to really consciously feel like there is any "healing" taking place. BUT it is, whether i'm aware of it or not, it is and we are just trying to keep our heads up and enjoy each other and our families and friends, and oh what amazing friends and family that are around us! I am still so constantly being reminded that although Colin isn't here, our friends are still so generously taking care of me and the boys, keeping us busy with playdates and suppers and just hangin' out! We have SO much to be SO thankful for!
Corban still has this week off and come next Tuesday, Sept. 7th, he's gonna be a big school boy! I'm secretly glad we still have this week for me to prepare, he's so pumped, but i'm a big ball of nerves, which with every worry, i'm praying them to God to take care of, He's taken care of everything so far, so i'm just gonna keep going with a really great thing!
ok, i'm gonna go muster up some energy to be productive of some kind this evening! Keep warm!
Luv, Melissa


  1. Oh Melissa, the precious thoughts and wisdom of a child. You and the boys are in my thought & prayers. Love, Jeanne

  2. Your boys are so sweet, and really, it's amazing how much little ones can comprehend. I'll be thinking of you all, especially on the 7th (I won't be doing much that day after Ashley's wedding weekend.)

  3. The T-shirt pillow cases are a good idea. I'll be thinking of you and the boys when school starts too. Hope it's a good next step for everyone.

  4. Give Keegan big hugs from Auntie should come for a visit soon :)

  5. Kids are so wise :) If only they had the words to express, we'd all be a bit wiser. I've heard of quilts being made from t-shirts but pillowcases are way better, something to hug. Do you have one too? If Colin used to wear cologne you could spritz the "pillow cases". Smell is a great memory too! I'm so glad you're having a stretch of good days. I will pray for your up coming days with school fast approaching. After the first few days you might really appreciate being able to spend one on one time with Keegan.
    praying faithfully
    Michelle Isaak

  6. Your children are so wonderful and such a gift from God. I can't wait till you stop by again and we get to enjoy them.

    You know Missy, I had a thought....I wonder if Keegan's response is God's way of letting you know that they haven't forgotten. At the beginning one of my biggest wrestles was with forgetting. I didn't want anyone to forget Lorne. I believe young children will remember in different ways than we do as adults and often we tend to wonder if they will remember at all. I think God was showing you through your precious baby that he will remember his dadddy. We need our children to heal because it would just be too much for them if they didn't but then as they begin to function we wonder if they have forgotten. Us widows go through a lot of contradicting thoughts....poor wording but what I am saying is we want to heal but we don't want to forget and that feels like a contradiction but as we move through it we begin to see that we can heal without forgetting. Remembering with healing takes on a new feeling that is warm and wonderful, still tinges with an ache in our heart because we miss our loved one but not that gut wrenching I can't breathe kinda feeling. God is taking care of your every need and I think He just felt it was time to show you that as your babies heal they will still remember their precious daddy.

    Love you lots! Yvonne