Glass: Half Empty & Half Full!

Having coffee on the deck in the mornings used to be one of those things that Colin and i viewed as getting pretty close to heaven. I mean, just sitting on the loungers, watching the boys play while we talked about dreams and daily duties, we just felt so content and kinda like life couldn't get any better. Don't get me wrong, i still enjoy my coffee every morning, it is my staple of morning activites, but i find myself not really wanting to go out to the deck and have it by myself....it just isn't the same anymore. I pray someday i'll get back to being pretty near heavenly coffee breaks...but athought we have so many blessings around us, being without my sweetie pie is anything but heavenly. At the same time, GOD IS A GOOD GOD, and i'm really trying to enjoy my family and my boys...man, you guys have no idea how much my parents have done over the last month...they took me on their holidays, their time to relax and instead of relaxing, had exhausting adventures at the beach with me and the boys, and then after coming back spent that time helping me pack and move into our new home, then unpacking us and making sure that everything was finished for us to feel settled and at home...i am so thankful for them! There still are those pangs of pain that our loss is still so great....i feel like my thoughts are all mishmashed, and it's not all a constant down in the dumps life that we're living, just the last stretch of days have been hard...sleep or lack there of could have part in the blame. My sister in law, Nat, said i should find a good book and drown myself in some other fictional drama rather than be with my thoughts of our own situation, take a holiday from my mind....i think i'm gonna be on the hunt sooner than later! Time just doesn't stop, each day i wake up, with this sinking feeling like Corban's first day of school is just around the corner, and i have nothing done, and more importantly my mind just isn't able to get there, to be without Colin on this monumental occasion....i so despterately don't want to do it on my own. Especially because all Colin would talk about when planning for treatments was that it be his number one priority to be with Corban on his first day of school. We had it all planned out, i would go with him on the bus to the school, and Colin would follow in the van with Keegan and we would all be there together to hug him and say how very proud we are of him and wish a good first day in class. This is so not the way it should have been, it's not fair, but it's our reality and i can't change it, so i guess i type it out, share it, give it to GOD and plead for HIM to keep on carrying me, apparently i'm still not yet strong enough to stand walk beside HIM yet.
To be honest, on the brighter side of things, i feel like bedtimes and getting the kids settled for the night and having quiet evenings to myself are refreshing and nice right now...kinda the only oppertunity in my days to take some time out to have tea and just be "me" with "me". I can't remember the last time i was able to do just that...so it's not all bad, i am determined to find the "goods" to be thankful for....i know it'll get easier, i guess my impatience gets the best of me right now. Another thing i am extremely thankful for, is that we're settled in our new home before the fall and we can enjoy what's left of our summer together without distractions....i have no regrets in moving and making it a quicker move than some would've liked....it worked, and God was in every inch of it, and so i give Thanks to the ONE who rains those blessings down upon us! It feels so good to be taken care of and God is doing such a great job of prompting people to stop by or call or text or email me and support us...i Can't tell you how good it is to have this support system around us....such a safe place!
I should go, Corban and I have a date to watch CARS while Keegan is napping!
Love, Melissa