Heavenly Home

I used to be afraid, so afraid of death...when i was little, i remember having a bag packed with my most valuable items placed right by my bed, and i would plan my escape if anything would come in the night that would cause me or my family any harm. I don't think i've ever shared that with anyone before...honestly, i would pray every time i thought about it, "Jesus, please forgive my sins, please save me from death". I just had this fear of what death was, and what it meant. I would never be with my family again, never say i love you to my most dearest friends and people whom i love. I would never grow up and get married and have babies of my own...all i wanted was to get out of school and be an adult and find the man of my dreams and have him whisk me off into the sunset of forever and then life would REALLY begin! You wanna know what? It happened and my life kicked into high gear when it did. Everyone around us told us time would keep getting faster as we got older, but i never really thought it applied to me and Colin. Safe and so in love and happy in our little cacoon of our life together. We had so much fun....fun doing absolutely nothing, but we were best friends and we just so honestly enjoyed being with each other, it just never got old, car washes, groceries, trips to Totem for random things and popcorn for the kids...only this past year did i have to start going to get groceries on my own....up to this point in our married life we just always did it together, weird eh!? I'm so missing everything about our beautiful little life together....BUT i am forever changed on how i view death and dieing! Changed for the better...it still isn't really real for me to think of only weeks ago, an entire month actually....that i was beside my husband in bed while he passed away. Something that once terrified me to no end, was now this strange peaceful resting place to bring comfort, restoration and healing....healing for Colin is the best part...healing for me and our families and friends, now that's the part that isn't so fun. I pray God's protection in our grief, it's the most painful place i've ever had to be, and i thought the last year with all that we went through was the toughest, but nothing beats having to pick up these scattered pieces of life and try to put it back together with such a huge hole missing from the center of it. i think i'm still in shock that any of this at all has happened...just this aweful dream, ya know the one's where you wake up and think, "man, thank goodness that was just a dream!".
Then there are times like last night, where when my parents left in the early evening, Corban, Keegan and i had the most amazing time, cuddling on the couch which turned into a wrestling/tickling match...then we went to the basement and played hockey/soccer/basketball all within the course of an hour and then came back upstairs where we made popcorn and watched cartoons and then i put each of them to bed and felt truely blessed for these amazing gifts that i have been given, in the wake of what's happened, it just feels weird to feel blessed....like i can't really enjoy the good things in life because Colin's not here to make it that much better with us....BUT my kids don't desrve that...they need true happiness and Corban and i are learning to have "thankful..happy hearts" ALL the time...it's a lesson not just kids need to come back too! I have a thankful heart in these early morning hours, because i have a hope that proceeds this life, and i don't ever have to fear death, for when it comes, my home will way beyond my wildest expectations! All thanks to a God who gave up HIS only son, so no one else would have to suffer that way again! Now i can go to sleep, not having to pack a bag or plan my escape, just trusting and knowing that with God carrying me, i have nothing to be afraid of at all!