Thursday, August 19, 2010

Fork in the Road...

Waking up to no Reverse Osmosis water coming out of the tap this morning as i tried to make my coffee, then rushing downstairs with that sinking feeling, and sure enough stepping onto the basement floor with water puddling through my toes, was not such a relaxing start! It was well after 1030am that i had the kids fed and watered and the "water" situation in the basement all cleaned up. Thanks to my Dad always being, "just a phone call away", we had the plumber called and the problem fixed within the hour. My mom came with the shop vac and together we cleaned up and cleared out the "wet" areas and put the fans on to air everything out. Did you know that this was the first time i've ever had a problem like that?! Even with Colin being around, we had never had anything like that happen to us. What a blessing. As i went around with teh vacuum hose sucking up all the water, i wondered how much "more" was going to happen?! I'm not even going to go there...Breathe, and i did, and it was ok...after we all got dressed and ready and i finally got my great cup of coffee, i found myself at a crossroads to my day...good or bad, my choice, to be honest, that's a powerful choice, one which i wish i don't always have to, we did what anyone in my position would do. I turned up our favorite mix of music and me and the boys had a nice long fabulous DANCE PARTY! I remember reading somewhere, or maybe not, that dancing works off stress, and stress was the order of the day, so what a GREAT way to destress our morning! We were all laughing and smiling, although i had to choose to put my smile there, all i really felt like doing was going back to bed and laying in a puddle of my own tears, but as each song played, it got easier and i soon didn't have to try so hard anymore! God is GOOD!
"Sigh"..i am at my wits end for my dearest Corban though, i just don't know what it has been lately, but he is just a different kid...something that i've been before in him from time to time, just testing us out and seeing how consistent we still are on the rules....BUT each time in the past, Colin would take him and "talk" with him and it was like he somehow had this magical recipe for getting Corban to "come out" of whatever funk he was in....but now i don't have my sweet Colin to call on for back up, and i'm a little lost on what to do...just trying not to get aggrevated at some of the things he does or says is a battle in itself....i just hate having to do this, with his great big wound still oozing and fresh....i'm overwhelmed and so tired and i know that no one else but me can get him through this....just makes me see how long the road is ahead for our missing "daddy". This just plain sucks and i hate living through this, but one thing i read in the first grief book i opened the other day was that God doesn't take away the pain of grief, He grieves with us, and cries with us, it's how God's love really works! "That's why every person who truly deeply share the pain of your grief with you is going God's work!" (Kenneth C. Haugk) How profoud of a statement! How comforting i feel with the blanket of God's love around me! Walking with God hasn't kept us from the pain of the process BUT it has opened us up to such a raw and unfailing, reckless abandon, kind of love....A God who has felt and hurt and been just as broken as we have been through this....HE KNOWS and I am trying not to lose sight that God has some sort of "something" good to bring out of this. Colin was SO precious, and such a rare gift for us all to have shared, but sometimes i forget that God has something for us, the one's who are left here to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess of the aftermath! Oh God, bring fruit from such intense pain, please, i beg of You to keep carrying me, and all of us who are walking this grief together!
By you who encourage, you are being used beyond your wildest dreams to bless me and keep me going through this time....i am FOREVER changed and thankful for your kindness and willingness to be used in that way!
Love, Melissa


  1. My dear Melissa, I feel for you with tears in my eyes. At this point in time we just do not know why this had to happen to our family, only God knows. And so we have to keep trusing Him to work it all out. I'm sure that Corban is grieving for his Daddy and that is probably the reason he is being difficult at times. I pray that he will come through this victoriously and that you will have the patience and endurance to help him get through. We love you all so much and just wish we could make it all better. It will take time. As is said, "Time is a great healer" although I feel that is a bit of a cliche at this moment. You are doing so well, we appreciate your honesty and openess, please keep doing what you are doing. Love you, Grandma

  2. Dear Melissa....your Grandma is sooo right. Time will heal Corbans wounds...we will pray harder for him! I also think that he may be bored. I've noticed with Judah that he is just a bit of a stinker these days...I think that they are at that age now and that school will be so great for them. It will pass all those moments that Corban has to just "think" right now. The busyness of the day will also tire him out and he will sleep like a log at night. So hang in there and look forward to the new experiences that Corban will be sharing with you at the end of every day! Once again I find you encouraging me with the words that you share with us! Love you! Kelly Kurp

  3. I agree with Kelly, Melissa.... Eli's been dreadful too lately and I think it's partly restlessness. I'm sure that, for Corban, a big part of it is grief. His little mind doesn't really know how to communicate what he's thinking and feeling (Kind of a Male problem). I'll just keep praying that God will give you wisdom and patience in dealing with your boys. And I'll pray for the ability to choose to smile and dance when you don't know what else to do....
    My boys are still praying for each of you by name every night. And I'm still praying with every breath.
    Love Beckie

  4. A Dance Party - how wonderful! Choosing to dance instead of cry when your heart is breaking is a fabulous decision. I have learned much from you Melissa.
    You have wise friends who have probably put their finger on what is troubling Corban. There are lots of things happening for his mind to process.
    Praying for wisdom, peace and comfort for you all.

  5. Dear Melissa - I'll probably get in trouble with my now 19 year old son for sharing this but when he was about 3, we had a cat named Jade who disappeared one day and because she was his cat, he missed her terribly and didn't understand why she just disappeared. Through the next 3 or 4 years, whenever he was struggling with some kind of emotion he didn't understand or didn't know how to express, he'd just cry and cry "I miss Jade". It took us quite a while to get it but eventually we realized that was his way of expressing how he was feeling at that time equalled how he felt when Jade disappeared. Bottom line, I don't in any way mean to compare a cat to a daddy but I agree with the others ... Corban is grieving and right now it's basically coming out sideways because he doesn't know how to express it otherwise. I loved the dance party idea and I pray you will continue to trust your instincts and trust God to give you the guidance you need. Many blessings, Coleen Boxell

  6. Hi Missy, sorry to hear about your water issue, and glad to hear that it was fixed/cleaned up quickly! Hope that things get easier with Corban:o( I know what you mean about the "magical recipe" and needing an extra hand to help out. That was a good idea of yours, to dance with the kids, I know Rowena likes to dance with me, it's fun:o) I think we all need to dance more often! Well, you take care and we are praying everything with the house goes smoothly from now on!
    love, Taegen

  7. Hi, Melissa - My Dad was often the one to sit down with one of our boys one-one-one and "talk" at those "times". He's gone to Heaven now, but I have often missed him when I've wished he were there, exactly for that role as a Grandpa. Maybe with time you'll find someone like that to share responsibility for those "talks". Praying for you often!

  8. Melissa, I sit here and I read, praying as I read and my heart cries for you.
    I remember when Loren had his accident Carson became a different little boy and it broke my heart at times it felt like there was nothing I could do, i could not change the situation what had happened and we are all changed by situations but trying to figure out what a little boy is going through is hard and heartbreaking when before we was a happy full of life little guy. Things did get better, he was forever changed, but not all in a bad way, sometimes I feel that he had to grow up a bit faster and Corban may feel the same even if you don't say things that portray that, he is now the Big Boy of the House and that is just how it is!!! I am praying for you all and I will pray that Corban even though is changing will forever be changed in a positive way! And also patients for you while he gets there!!!
    Tracy Bergen