Yet again, i'm so thankful for an outlet to put my thoughts when they just don't let me find rest at the end of another long day. I am reminded again at the simplicity of our human understanding when it comes to death and life thereafter. I mean, really, i'm only going off of what i can understand of my bible, and even then, i'm pretty slow at catching on...Honestly, I still can't imagine the fact that i watched Colin pass away...but how did it really happen?! I mean, of course it happened, but i just somehow don't get it, even after seeing it and experiencing all that's going along with it. I don't even know if this makes any sense...let me back up a little, so you understand where my thoughts are coming from.
My whole life, i've always been careful, like i said before, i even packed a bag before i went to sleep of those things that were most precious to me, just in case something happened where i needed to make a quick exit. The same went and still goes for making sure i told my loved one's "I love you", before leaving them for any length of time. I never wanted to have the regret of not being able to say it one more time, and i'm so thankful i was able to tell Colin almost hourly that i loved him before he went to be with Jesus. I've been going through some of my "memories", in my huge hope chest in the basement and to this point i've just always stuffed things in and not sat down to take a look at all the "stuff" that i was accumulating. I have to tell you, ever since i met Colin, i had this urge to keep every single little detail of our story in tact, literally every letter, every picture, every note, skittles wrapper, movie ticket, EVERYTHING. I am so grateful i trusted my instincts enough, even as young as i was, because now i have this beautiful paper trail of our "story". How heartbroken i am, that it had to end so soon. That's something i'll just never understand, how could this be happening?! Like i was trying to piece through before, i just don't understand this "death" stuff sometimes...all i know is that he's gone, and there are times when it hurts real bad, and times more so than not that i can find it bareable to get through each day. I never realized how much of a physical tole emotions can place on a person, and it's been all i can do to be productive the past couple days. So by putting these strangley weird thoughts out, maybe it can release me to keep moving forward in this grieving process. "The year of firsts" is ahead, looming, and i'm already begging for it to stand still, Thankgiving is coming, and maybe i can just feel it...last year there was so much hope in the prognosis and so much to be thanful for...please don't get me wrong, i have SO much to be thankful for still, but i will have no one to hold hands with under the table when we pray, and no one to take pictures with on the steps for our Christmas card...and my boys, my sweet boys... Corban starts skating lessons next week and i just...this seems SO wrong that Colin is not here doing this with him. I used to tell Colin i think i willed Corban to be a boy when i was pregnant, because Colin had such big plans for a first born son, that i just pleaded with God to bless us with a boy and now he's gone. Each night i go to bed with this heaviness that i didn't do enough, couldn't spend enough quality time with each of them, that i shouldn't have gotten angry or could've been easier with my discipline, BUT they need to be parented and i'm determined to raise good Godly men. Colin was always my balance, and i'm feeling a little out of balance and i think there is this lonely place that no one on this earth can do in this family what Colin did for us, and now, i'm mourning that "secondary" loss...physically, Colin's gone, i guess each day i realize just how HUGE that loss really is, and how much our lives have and will continue to change because of it. Each day, i pray i can do better and be better for my boys and for myself and that God will teach me little tidbits in how to be better. As i try to rest tonight, so will be my prayer...My mom would always tell after a bad day, tomorrow we get to wake up and start fresh and new, and i will never forget it, what a blessing, a new fresh start in each new day!
Ah Missy....my heart aches with you. You are doing so wonderful but admist it all the reality still exists that you lost your loved one and you are grieving. I would like to share this with you because I think you will understand. We are both Christians and we know God is our ultimate safe and resting place but I had another safe place and that was home....home with my husband Lorne. I remember the first time I had something come up that I would have always went to Lorne for in the past and I picked up the phone to dial and remembered he is gone and the biggest tragedy was that Lorne was my safe place, my human earthly safe place and I realized for the first of many times that my safe place was gone. I don't think it is wrong to have a safe place in your husband. That is the bond you share in a good solid marriage and it is different from the safe place we have in Christ and not to be compared. And so I grieved the loss of my safe place. Life as I knew it would never be the same after Feb. 11, 2009. But it can still be good. And there will be much joy in your future. However, allow yourself the sad moments, allow yourself to make mistakes and well to be human. I am so proud of you there are just not enough words to express that to you but the reality is you have walked and continue to walk through probably one of the most difficult things you will ever have to experience. You are learning to live on without your loved one. Sometimes that is one breath at a time, sometimes one step at a time and maybe even one day at a time. When you experience these moments it can feel so overwhelming but my experience has taught me it is a very normal part of grieving. Today sweet girl I am breathing, just breathing and I am thinking of you! My Stephanie is due the end of October with my first Grandson. Her daddy's birthday is October 16th and I hold my breath hoping he could be born on Grandpa's birthday but I know God knows what day Kellen Lorne should arrive. What joy we have in naming our grandson after the Grandpa he will never get to meet here on earth, but we will talk about him and share about his Grandpa as he grows up and a part of Lorne will live on in him :) So it is bittersweet....sad because he would have loved to meet this baby boy, but we rejoice in his namesake and in new life.
ReplyDeleteA counsellor showed me a diagram of the process of grieving and it went down like a valley but then back up again and when it went up it was higher than the side before the tradegy. He explained that it was higher because we have experienced more life, grew in our faith and it changes us and we are stronger than we were before.
Love you bunches, Yvonne
PS I meant to tell you there are still many days when I say....Is this really true? And How could have this happened? Our body has suffered much shock and I think this is a normal response. Yvonne
ReplyDeleteOh Missy,
ReplyDeleteYvonne has spoken so wisely.
Ups and downs, dark times and light. Colin's absence seems so unreal sometimes and so devastating at others.
You are loved with God's everlasting love and his strong arms are underneath you.
A. Lorrie
Hi Melissa, don't know if you know us, we are friends of Andy and Nat's but we are following you and your boyz still, and it is so ironic how every word you write, we wrote 3 years ago when we lost our little nephew Jacob because of SIDS when he was 14 months old. This is our new "normal"; we feel guilty when we're happy, we feel guilty when we're sad; we feel like we stick out in the crowd, even our friends, as the ones that "lost someone". But we learn. And we give. And we still love. The year of firsts, man they are hard, but I can tell you this....the anticipation is worse than the actual days. We dread the first birthday, the first christmas, the first milestones that should have been, and then when they happen...we celebrate the day. And get through. And when our heads hit the pillow we think, well, that wasn't so bad. This is our new normal. I wish you didn't have to join us, but know that you're normal! Even if/when you do the craziest things or feel weird thoughts, it is normal! What is NOT normal is losing your husband or outliving your babies. But what we go through is normal. And I'm sure you've heard this, and hopefully from others that have lost a loved one, but it does get easier. It doesn't sting quite as much 6 months, a year, 2 years down the road. We're never the same people, and just because it doesn't hurt as much or we don't cry as much doesn't mean we don't care anymore. We're just learning how to live this new normal. I was thrilled to hear you say you're going to celebrate Colin's birthdays...we do that with Jacob's birthdays. A special cake, we sing happy birthday, Jacob gives gifts to his little brother and niece, we eat his favorite foods (pizza and McD's fries), we go for a swim at the pool, release balloons in the backyard, and everyone gives gifts to charities in jacob's name for his birthday gifts. We also celebrate his Angel Day, the day he passed away (april 3). We don't necessarily "do" anything, but we get the whole family together for the weekend and just be together as a family. We thought, what else could you do on such a dark day? So when someone suggested we call it his Angel Day, we knew we could get through. And you will too.
ReplyDeleteKerri and Joel Holmes
Hi Melissa. We have appreciated being able to read your blog and to be kept informed on how you and the boys are doing and how to pray for you specifically. You have such a gift of being able to put into words what you are feeling in your heart.
ReplyDeleteMany times while reading, my thoughts have gone into the past and uncovered emotions that I felt as a young mom of 2 little ones when my husband was instantly taken to be with Jesus almost 37 years ago. At the time, I didn't know how I would ever make it through another day or night except for the everlasting arms of Jesus that were about me and carrying me when I could not carry myself. You talked about the firsts and I know that they are very difficult but we will continue to pray for you that God would be near you and continue to comfort and strengthen you as you walk these days with Him.
A VERY BIG HUG
Joyce Bartell
Hi Melissa
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that we've ever met. I had a room across from Colin on Whit 2 back in the day. Maybe like a few others, I only just recently found out about Colin's passing when the latest " Briercrest Passport" showed up in the mail.
I'd like to offer you words of comfort but I have none. My heart grieves for you and your boys. I'm not sure if you have followed Tara Newby's story, but she also is raising 2 boys alone after her husband died (taranewby.blogspot.com).
My wife and I are also aquainted with grief. Our son Josiah went into heaven last year at the age of 2 1/2 (josiahs-journey.blogspot.com). In just the few posts that I have read, I marvel at your courage and your strength. God is near you.
Thanks for sharing your journey, through all the darkest chapters. May God give you a voice and a strength that is beyond your own ability as you sojourn without Colin by your side.
- Andrew Haak