Saturday, September 18, 2010

Could it be?!

Man, just when i thought my sleep patterns were getting back to normal, i start struggling to fall asleep again...and when i can't fall asleep, i come down and write on the blog! What a week this one has a good way! Corban seems to be settling in at school, and Keegan and I are having a good time together maning the rest of things around home! Well, between groceries and playdates and running a bunch of other errands, home hasn't been on the top of the places we've spent a lot of time this week. So today, on this nice and cozy Saturday, we spent the day at home...aside from a great run/stroller/bike ride (i'm sure you'd be able to fill in the blanks on who was doing what!)we enjoyed some fresh air with Nana and Papa and then just did our thing at home...perfect! I feel like the feeling of wanting to sleep forever and ever is finally lifting and i can be productive in my days...and by the end, although i'm exhausted, i feel like i've done something! It feels good. I'm feeling WAY better about how i am as a parent as well...there's something they fail to mention when you lose a spouse/co-parent...that while you, yourself have to grieve and find a way to keep going, you also are responsible for getting your kids through the same tramatic ordeal. BUT WAIT...i've never done this before, so how am i supposed to do that?! Good thing i have a God who has been carrying us, but i honestly have to admit, my mood swings have been all over the map...something else "they" failed to mention can happen...and after seeing my Doctor, i'm discovering that this kind of thing is normal with this kind of stress...i sure don't ever want those moods to be normal for's hard enough just being a parent and wanting to be a good parent cuz my kids deserve that from me, but i'm not proud of how short my fuze was in those first few weeks or's getting better...i'm feeling like myself again, at least as a parent and it's been a lot longer than Colin's passing since i've felt that way, so i pray it's safe to say i'm headed in a good direction! I have to tell you the cutest story, because, honestly more than anything i miss having someone to "tell" those cute stories to at the end of each day...i used to keep a little note pad for things to tell Colin when he would get home from work (my memory is awful, and i didn't want to forget all their cuteness) it still stings when the supper table is set and only 3 of us are eating...still more adjustments to be made, but i'll tell you the cute story that happened at bedtime tonite. I was putting the boys to bed, after reading stories in Corban's bed all three of us said our prayers, and tonite, it so happened that literally, all 3 of us prayed our different prayers at the exact same time! oh man, only God knows what we actually said, keegan is even praying his "me prays", mommy?! after tucking Corban into bed and giving hugs and kisses me and keegan went to the door, but keegan ran back to Corban and they had to hug and kiss and it was the sweetest thing, because they missed the first time and giggled until they both fell over and then on the second kiss they smacked their lips so loud the giggling just continued...precious moments. Moments which have been so overlooked through the initial parts of my grief, i am SO grateful that i am able to see those moments and truly appreciate them...our little family, just the 3 of us. It's not looking so lonely or scary to me boys are so full of life and energy and they are raw with emotion and feelings and i love that...i love that i'm excited to see each new day...thoughts still flitter by throughout my days when there still is a sting in my heart, but only for a moment...Praise God...they truly do mean it when they say it does get easier and "this too shall pass", it's been my motto since Colin was diagnosed, and before when we were apart for 3 months of his police, i don't want to wish away each day, i want to live it, and enjoy every minute of's all Colin and i wanted to do, every moment we had with our little family, was enjoy every ounce of precious time we had, so i'm gonna keep doing just that!
p.s. About 2.5 months ago, i really didn't believe that anyone could "heal" from someone they loved most in this world being torn away from it, but God had this funny way of putting just enough in front of me to not get overwhelmly broken and in those beginning days He kept me aware long enough each day to see the gigantic blessings of provision and comfort and the kindness of others...and TIME...God's timing and just the blessing of time in general...God can heal, ALL WOUNDS, ALL HURTS, ALL those STRESSES...I have nothing but Praise in my heart, and it feels good to know beyond anything else, that God is with me, taking care of me and my boys...healing me and my boys! When we were desperately praying for Colin's healing and for our miracle of his healing, i wasn't fully aware how God would use those prayers for healing, and extend them far beyond just Colin, but also to all of those who knew and loved him...and to all of you who walked and are still walking this road with us!


  1. Melissa, I'm so happy that you're feeling better and that you're healing.
    Love you!

  2. This morning the message at church was " Sensing God during the Storm" and how the storms of life reveal the following things:
    - the nature of my faith
    - the strength of my committment
    - the level of my maturity
    - the healthiness of my attitude
    - the measure of my teachability

    You are definately weathering the storm Melissa and I know your trust
    in your Heavenly Father is getting you through so much. Love you and think of you and the boys often...
    Love Auntie Dawna for the Motz men too

  3. God does heal, and it does take time, lots of time. I'm so glad you are enjoying each minute of life with your boys.
    We love hearing about the cute moments, so keeping sharing them.

    God's strong arms continue to hold you and your boys.

    A. Lorrie

  4. Praise God! It's so good to hear that things are lookin' up :) I don't always comment but I always read your blog. We still pray nightly and my son still calls Corban "Corgan". Funny stories are never ending with kids. Using your blog to "tell" someone is great. I feel honored to be able to share in your healing journey too.
    Praying faithfully
    Michelle Isaak