Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'm feeling the need to be candid with u right's been a huge struggle for me the past few weeks or so as to how two "little" ones...whom I love and adore have this ability to beat me down and frey every last nerve I can must be a mixture of winter and this HORRIBLY LONG month among other things! Keegan has decided to throw a curve ball at me and cut his naps as well as wake everyone up at ungodly hours of the morning...if I could even call it morning...I'm tired...and the days r long and yes I'm complaining...this is hard...Even right now as i'm typing this, i am in the midst of the biggest battle of wills i've had to date with keegan. He is crying in his room for me to come, and here i sit not going up until he stops crying. I don't have the answers, which is why i can only pray and beg God to give me some sort of insight to be able to get through to him. I feel disheveled and beaten down...and this discourages me but also has brought perspective for me...with my dearest little men come with them their sweet little problems (although they seem like mountains for us all at the time)...and with age and maturity (or lack there of)...come a pile of BIG problems...I need to stay thankful and humbled that somehow God chose this path for me...for reasons I'm realizing r true blessings. Things like being able to empathize and relate to others whom r also single parents. My boys r so precious but so often...I choose dishes or cleaning over that sacred time with them, and before long that time will have passed me by...I pray I keep that in mind...Jesus keep my perspective where it matters most! I need to keep making sure i'm parenting in a way that brings Glory to God...something that humbles and terrifies me! Some days r so good and others are just a series of uphill battles...we have all been there, i find comfort in knowing i'm not the only one! I just felt the need to vent, hoping u don't mind it!
Aside from this, the boys r good! Corban is losing teeth...#2 is about ready to fall out and he loves being around people and spending time with his aunt and uncle and cousins...Keegan is a sweetheart...stubborn and persisent at times but a mischievous little sweetheart and we r in that stage where he tries every bit of patience I have...but his heart is so sweet and he is SO colorful in his actions and reactions...and lately both boys would talk every minute of the day if I let them! Makes me smile...and appreciate what my parents must have gone thru raising me;)

It's Colin's birthday tomorrow (26th)...the second one without him being here...he would have been 31!! I can guaruntee u I would be buggin him just like I bug my brother and Nat about being over 30:)..oops! sorry for throwing that out there! ;)
We woulda had ice cream and supper with my family...who knows what me and the boys would have found for him for a present...that thought is so unsettling right now...who knows...I don't know what he would have been into at this point or been excited to want to have for his's been a year and a half already...and so quickly u forget those teeny tiny scares me to death that I'm not going to remember things for when the boys want to know certain details....and at times in the last week...guilt has crept in and made its home in my mind....because reality is...He's not here anymore...I will always love him...he was my first "one true love"...he gave me so much love and happiness and he blessed me with the boys...but I can't possibly move forward if I'm not allowing myself to let go...but how do you let go and prevent the time and distance in making you forget? I feel caught between a rock and hard place...and naturally there will be things that we r gonna forget...I guess I'm thankful for our memories thru so many pictures and videos...
And in being honest with all of these thoughts...I second guess myself on these kinds of posts because half the time they don't make sense to's kind of just what's swirling around inside that I need to get out or I'll explode! I need to be honest and real and I guess in doing that I take a risk of exposing myself. It's kind of a scary place to be, but it frees me as well. i'm on this crazy cool path of discovering who God made me to be and how He is using these events and experiences in my life to rewire my heart and mind. i'm realizing that there are things about me which i need some constant prayer and working on...i'm a pleaser...who knew?! well, maybe the people closest to me knew all along, but i'm just figuring out what God wants to teach me through this, and try my darnest to have Him rewire these stubborn tendancies in me...the list is WAY too long to share in the things i feel like He wants me to shed and do some "house cleaning" to make more room for His presence in me, but i'm workin on it! My perspective is changing...who am i in God's huge master plan?! Why am i so quick to live so selfishly that He is here for me, and not that i am here for this time for HIM....these switches have come from a book we are studying through on wednesday mornings called "crazy love" by Francis'm humbled and convicted and in awe, and so thankful...and we are only in the first Chapter! More growing pains...they hurt...
Now, i feel like i've unloaded what i need too, Keegan is still crying, and so the waiting game goes on...Jesus please bring a resolve that teaches both of us what we need to differently to be better!
I guess there are some days that i'm not afraid to admit that i have started the bedtime countdown...and yes my friends, it's just after lunch!


  1. Days like this are bound to occur. Know that you are held in the palm of God's hand and that he will give you the wisdom and knowledge you need.

    I have Colin's birthday marked on my calender and plan on calling Darlene and Neil tomorrow night. It's a hard day, thinking of "what if?" Knowing that we will likely never understand God's plans, but also that his love continues in the midst of mystery.

  2. Melissa,

    I've baked Graeme's favourite birthday cake on May 2nd for 13 years...not to think about what might have been, but to remember what we had! Cherish the memories and celebrate Colin's's a good thing!


  3. Melissa, for months I have been thinking about how or if too reach out to you because we don't know each other but I just feel God is wanting me to reach out to you. I keep writing comments and then deleting them because I really don't know what it is I want to say. My family is struggling through a terminal cancer diagnosis as well. The similarity between your journey and what my family is going through is very close.

    I really am struggling with what to say here. The questions I am asking myself are...Should I just tell you about my cousin or maybe reading her blog would better paint a picture of her and her family? What is the point of reaching out to you? How will Melissa react or feel about a complete stranger asking to connect for a still uncertain reason?

    I am going to trust in God on this one so here goes... My cousin is doing a blog of her and I think that is a good place to start to help you undestand our family situation. Her name is Kirsten Miller Fersovitch and her blog is called 4boysandi. Maybe if you could read it and then when you are ready and if you want to please feel free to contact me via email at Please also know that you do not have to respond in kind either way as I would truly understand.

    You and your boys are always in my prayers! God Bless you all!! Anna

  4. Hi Missy, just want to say I know what you mean about kids testing you at every turn, makes me appreciate my parents, too. We've been thinking about you and the boys, it's so hard to be far away. Glad to hear though that you have the "kairos" moments, the moment in time (chronos) where you can see the beauty and awesomeness of your "little men", even after the crying fits and talking back. I think holding on to those moments are so important, it's not meant to be easy all the least that is what I tell myself, haha. The other day I put all the kids to bed at 6pm. With Brad recovering from back surgery, and the kids knowing I don't have back up at the moment, it was a trying day. I hope you get lots of mental breaks/you time from family/friends over there. Try to not feel guilty so much, you are doing a wonderful job, and you will get through this! Love you!

  5. I came across your blog the day of your husband's funeral while viewing a blog of a friend's whose 6 yr old son had an accident and now, a few yrs later lives with a severe traumatic brain injury is still at a very slow pace of recovery. He will never be the same. What is similar and very exhilerating to me is your and my friend's faith in God. I am inspired constantly by people like you who delve into what hurts, to get it out before it destroys you, so that in time there will be room for something new. I lost quite a bit a few years ago, all in a 30 day period, an abusive relationship I was in way too long (I'm a pleaser too), my beloved 6yr old lab to cancer, financial strain from trying to save her, my grandmother's passing, a miscarriage, and totaling my car. It's 2012, I still suffer, but I am strong inside. I write, just like you, but haven't posted for others to see. You are brave, valiant and your faith is that of a gladiator, you just haven't noticed. It is what has gotten you this far! I pray for you and your children. I'm still trying to have a baby, my only wish at this time. Please stay strong and believe in yourself. You are blessed with much, though you've lost the most unimaginable, your love. Time is a healer, I've learned I'm a slow healer, but I'm in a better place than I was a few years ago. I hear your pain and I ache for your heavy heart. I pray for you to see all that you are, and all the good that you are blessed with and all the good that will come. God bless you.