Saturday, January 8, 2011

I can't believe how fast time is flying by so far in this new year! I just remembered that the 5th of this month marked Colin's 6 month birthday in Heaven. It has probably been like the blink of an eye for him up there, but here, a lot of these days have been like an eternity. I can't believe he's been gone 6 some of you reading, it may not seem like that much time, but i guess there's something to be said about being submerged in this reality day in and day out. There's no release from the fact that it's just me and the boys...i feel like i've been able to settle in even more though. I mean that i'm feeling even more like myself again...i forgot what that feels like and i don't think i'm in my entirelty yet. It's good but it's lonely at times. I miss so much how beautiful Colin made me feel, whether i was in my Sunday best coming down the stairs from our room, or just in my favorite sweats and a warm hoodie. There was never a day that he didn't tell me he loved me with everything in him, and there wasn't a day that i doubted i was the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. That's a difficult gear to switch, and i can tell you that my pep talks to myself definitely don't get the point across so effectively. Corban does his best, he's such a sweetie, he tells me quite often that he thinks i'm pretty and then Keegan pipes up and starts copying him, so i'm a lucky girl cuz the boys are filling in now that Colin's gone.
School started up for Corban again, and he's not the most excited about it, so the first day back was a battle of coaxing him on the bus through his tears and my guilt for not wrapping him up in my arms and keeping from the big bad world...BUT i'm getting to know how Corban is, self conscious and it doesn't take much to make him nervous, qualities i'm not sure are from the way he is naturally wired or from losing his Daddy and not having that male influence to daily build his confidence. Why does life have to throw us such curve balls, it's not fair for him to have to go through life this way, and it's like a knife in my heart that i feel so powerless to handle and help him through.
Keegan is growing up, talking WAY more and i sure love how cuddly he is when we're the only one's at home on school days. I love our simple conversations with so much emotion and expression, it's such a sweet thing...even the way he talks about Daddy. The things he has retained and that are still now coming to the surface...even he had a little cry the other day about missing Daddy.
Well, i guess all in all, we're just plugging along doing ok, thanking God for each day and the blessings in it. Like Corban says, "we gotta keep a thankful heart, right Mommy?"
I pray this finds each of you well, and i pray that each one reading finds the many blessings all around you!
Love, Melissa
ps...i just want you to know how blessed i feel having you still reading this blog..makes me feel less alone in it all, i so appreciate the time spent just wondering how we're doing! Thank You! You'll never know how much it means to me!


  1. Hi Melissa... I love that we got to spend some time getting to know the boys better at Christmas time cause now I can hear their little voices better as I read your quotes from them on your blog.....I know they will take good care of their beautiful mommy :) You have inspired me to start a blog too...don't know that it will be all that interesting, but it is kinda fun and who knows what great people I will connect with....
    Love you lots Melissa and hugs to the boys from me...

  2. Hi Melissa,

    I love reading your updates. They remind me to keep you in my prayers (although you are there a LOT) and I love hearing about the boys, and your progress along this stony path called grief.

    Thank YOU for sharing with us.

  3. Melissa,
    You are in my thoughts often and I'm glad you've kept this blog going. There are many who love you and continue to "check up" on you. I continue to pray for you and hope for many rich blessings for you and the boys. Keep up the good work raising your special boys and drawing your strength from the One who knows how to sufficiently sustain and empower you.

  4. Hey Sis,

    Just wanted to say hi, I still read your blog, sorry to hear that Corban didn't want to go back to school, we love and miss you dearly. Glad to see that you are enjoying the quiet time with Keegan and I hope that Corban finds more confidence in himself, such a sweet boy:o) Love you and take care!!!

    Love, Taegen

  5. Definitely still reading, Missy! Sounds like your boys have picked up a few of their dad's better habits :)

  6. You are in my thoughts and prayers often, I continue to pray for you and your boys, God Bless you through it all!

    Tracy Bergen:0)

  7. Hey Melissa
    I feel like I know you so well; it's too ironic how everything you write I thought or wrote these past 2 3/4 years since our beautiful baby Jacob passed away. Time will always amaze you. Some days it's how fast, and other days it's like "oh my gosh, have they really been gone this long?" We are gearing up to celebrate Jacob's birthday...he was going to turn 4 this Jan 30. Every time Colby has his birthday it's bittersweet for Joel and I...Colby and Jacob were born 30 days apart, so we love seeing what Colby is like and imagining what Jacob would be doing. I hope you find ways to continue celebrating Colin's milestones, because they are still here with us. Jacob's birthday theme this year is Thomas the Train...we actually have a fun time now, really, what else are you going to do? There are only two roads you can take on this horrid journey we are on...the celebratory road, or the other way...and that way is just too dark....

    Joel and I keep up with your blog; as much as we don't want anyone else to be on this journey, it is comforting to have friends that truly "get it". Feel free to keep up with us on facebook (Joel's) , through Jacob's website ( or my sister's blog (she is Jacob's mom...I think you'll be shocked how identical some of your blogs are... Then you can be 'peeps' like the rest of us following you:)

    Thinking of you, Colin, the boys and Andy and Nat, Colby and Myla daily,

    Kerri Holmes

  8. Hey Missy

    I am so glad you keep blogging. It is healing for me as well. I often use the quote it feels like yesterday and an eternity all wrapped in one. One month from yesterday will mark the two year mark for me. Part of me says how is it possible that I have survived two years without Lorne and then another part says it seems like a long time since we've talked. Anniversary markers tend to get us thinking and I find myself reminiscing a lot lately and with that I find myself still grieving. It is hard to watch our children walk through a loss of their father and I have said often if I can't bring him back I will endure but if only my children didn't have to. On Feb. 11 2009 my first sentence I said after I was told was "Life as I know it will never be the same." My second thought was I choose to stand on my faith. I will not blame God. I will get better not bitter. It's not always easy. The plight of a widow is different but I can say my faith has remained strong and God has never let me down. When necessary He carries me in His loving arms. He promised us joy and we can have joy again even after such a loss. You are doing so great Missy and your children are as blessed to have you for their mommy as you are blessed to have those precious boys for you children :) Love you lots, Yvonne

  9. Hi Melissa
    I have appreciated your blogging and now I'm really enjoying getting to know you and your boys. You are BEAUTIFUL! And you are raising amazing boys. Corban and Keegan are very well rounded kind boys. We are still praying and it's nice to know how you're really doing without have to pry. Because honestly when ever I see you, you look put together: like you've showered recently and your clothes match and your boys listen. Hee hee it's more than I can say about myself on some of those same days. :)

    Praying faithfully
    Michelle Isaak