I can't believe how fast time is flying by so far in this new year! I just remembered that the 5th of this month marked Colin's 6 month birthday in Heaven. It has probably been like the blink of an eye for him up there, but here, a lot of these days have been like an eternity. I can't believe he's been gone 6 months...to some of you reading, it may not seem like that much time, but i guess there's something to be said about being submerged in this reality day in and day out. There's no release from the fact that it's just me and the boys...i feel like i've been able to settle in even more though. I mean that i'm feeling even more like myself again...i forgot what that feels like and i don't think i'm in my entirelty yet. It's good but it's lonely at times. I miss so much how beautiful Colin made me feel, whether i was in my Sunday best coming down the stairs from our room, or just in my favorite sweats and a warm hoodie. There was never a day that he didn't tell me he loved me with everything in him, and there wasn't a day that i doubted i was the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. That's a difficult gear to switch, and i can tell you that my pep talks to myself definitely don't get the point across so effectively. Corban does his best, he's such a sweetie, he tells me quite often that he thinks i'm pretty and then Keegan pipes up and starts copying him, so i'm a lucky girl cuz the boys are filling in now that Colin's gone.
School started up for Corban again, and he's not the most excited about it, so the first day back was a battle of coaxing him on the bus through his tears and my guilt for not wrapping him up in my arms and keeping from the big bad world...BUT i'm getting to know how Corban is, self conscious and it doesn't take much to make him nervous, qualities i'm not sure are from the way he is naturally wired or from losing his Daddy and not having that male influence to daily build his confidence. Why does life have to throw us such curve balls, it's not fair for him to have to go through life this way, and it's like a knife in my heart that i feel so powerless to handle and help him through.
Keegan is growing up, talking WAY more and i sure love how cuddly he is when we're the only one's at home on school days. I love our simple conversations with so much emotion and expression, it's such a sweet thing...even the way he talks about Daddy. The things he has retained and that are still now coming to the surface...even he had a little cry the other day about missing Daddy.
Well, i guess all in all, we're just plugging along doing ok, thanking God for each day and the blessings in it. Like Corban says, "we gotta keep a thankful heart, right Mommy?"
I pray this finds each of you well, and i pray that each one reading finds the many blessings all around you!
Love, Melissa
ps...i just want you to know how blessed i feel having you still reading this blog..makes me feel less alone in it all, i so appreciate the time spent just wondering how we're doing! Thank You! You'll never know how much it means to me!
xoxo