Monday, July 4, 2011

God...Help Us Through This Day...

I know it's not technically July 5th, but i needed to get this post out, before i try to sleep. every time i try to type my tears make it impossible to see the screen and i have to stop to try to compose myself. I just finished reading my post from one year ago...the saddest day of my entire life to date, the day i had to say goodbye to my true love, he took a piece of my heart with him that day...I still don't see that it could've happened any other way, with the pain and suffering he was going through, nothing in me wanted him to endure that any longer...but he's gone...he's gone and he can't ever come back. Still feels like it's a the fog of shock is still lifting even after an entire year. My worst fears of being left alone and having to be a single mom coming true. I guess there's Praise that has to be given to a God whom i've trusted in to get me through each and every day since He took Colin home to Heaven. I have asked God to carry me through the seemingly impossible task of having to live on after losing the love of my life and HE has done more than that! We have collapsed and cried and knelt and cried for God to heal and we have asked for strength to get up and take His hand to keep stepping one foot in front of the other, we've been able to miss Colin, cry for Daddy to be here with us, but we've also been able to enjoy the things Colin loved with smiles...and Thankfully even been able to laugh from the depths of our bellies and talk about our most favoritist things we loved most about him...We did it...we survived going to bed each nite and waking up each morning not having him with us but having the peace in knowing he is safe and healthy and whole! Laughing with Jesus! We have done our first year of taking off the training wheels to skating lessons with Corban...his first year of Kindergarten, soccer and keegan talking, potty training, finally sleeping through the rippin up and down the road riding his 'big boy' bike as well! ALthough each moment i knew their Daddy was missing, i knew i owed it to them not to rob them of the joy of the moment! There has not been a day that has gone by that hasn't had thoughts of Colin in it...I am reminded that God never promised an easy's gonna hurt, but the most healing thing i have done is to just get down to the hurting, and just face it and cry through it...I still am trusting that God is doing what He does best...i don't even begin to understand why he chose these circumstances for our family, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows exactly what He is doing...He loves us, I guess the hardest part is having the patience to stand firm in His promises when there are so many questions, and so many unknowns...i know i have so much appreciated those closest to me...who allow me to laugh and cry sometimes in the same breath...who just listen or offer to help in any way they can! God has provided, in every area, I never doubted that He would...I'm so thankful..thankful for those who have hurt right alongside us all, to help carry us through in order to become better and more equipped to carry out God's plan on the other side!
I've surprised myself...A good friend taught me how to use my lawn mower and weed wacker (although, my dad does a MUCH better job of my lawn...THANK YOU DAD!!!!) I put together a spin bike all by myself...and done so many little 'odd' jobs around the house, that Colin just always took care of...i've put together those annoying toys that Daddy's can just figure out way quicker...i've used my fair share of duct tape, it's kinda my go-to for anything broken! lol! I've come to a place where i'm finally feeling confident that me and the kids can do this...we know our little unit has taken a hit, and we are not whole as God created family to be...but we are so full of love and life and we can smile and laugh and just enjoy each other!
Because, i have to admit, sometimes having the boys was more of a painful reminder of the fact that Colin was not here...each day i would stare in their beautiful faces but my heart would see their Daddy whom i missed so very was so very hard to keep going...BUT there is healing...and i really feel like my sweet Corban, the one we knew before Colin left us, that he's coming back to us, and sweet little Keegan is just so full of love, and now i'm in a beautiful place to fully enjoy them and feel the blessing of having bits and pieces of their Daddy in them...the hurt is lessening and my heart is so thankful to have them as two little gifts!
Although this day is impossible because if i could do anything to rewind the last two years and have my husband back, to have one more hug, one more kiss, smile, laugh.."i love you"...even one more arguement...just to have his presence in our home watch one more Oiler's Game together...cuddle on the couch...BUT i don't, so i'm going to choose to move forward and trust there is beauty rising from our ashes of this trauma in our life...I'm not afraid to face my future head on.. God is still guiding opening doors and closing others...Only one day at a time...just remembering to breath on those days that are a struggle, enjoying the laughter of those easier days! God is GOOD! I have SO much to be thankful for, and SO many blessings!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my sweetness! I pray your celebration will be unforgettable! We all love you down here! We miss you SO much! WE miss you SO SO SO much!

The weird warp of time is just throwing me for a loop, how so many memories can be so vividly clear but how in the same breath it's been an eternity of time since we said good-bye...i can't figure it out, or make sense of it...i guess i don't have to..i will feel what i feel and relive those precious moments and be SO thankful for so many memories!

ps. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me on this "other side" of my means the world to me that you would still want to check in and read up on how me and the boys are doing...for listening when i need to get those thoughts out! To all our friends and family who are also grieving this day as're in my thoughts and prayers...hang in there, and if any of you need to know i'm ALWAYS here to listen!!!

Love, Melissa


  1. The first thing I thought of this morning as I woke, was Colin, and then you and the boys. What a year it's been - but God has carried you through, and he will continue to bless and strengthen and encourage you.

    I'm so glad to hear that Corban is doing well. How hard for such a little man to lose his Daddy.

    Be blessed, today, Melissa. You are loved with an everlasting love and underneath are the everlasting arms.

  2. It's strange to me that I have met you twice and only briefly because through following this blog and hearing your story and thoughts I feel like I know you so much more. And I am continually amazed by you. What strength, and faith and grace you have carried yourself with through these past few years. On dark days like today maybe you can take a bit of comfort from knowing that people watching from (or reading) the outside of your grief can see the hand of God renewing and healing you. He is truly with you and speaks through you every time you write your heart on this blog for the world to see.
    We are praying for you, the boys, Colin's family and yours and all who knew and loved him throughout his life. A hard day today but a day to thank the Lord and be thankful for the time Colin blessed this earth with his presence.
    God Bless,
    Katie Orr

  3. Thinking of you guys today and wishing you peace...

    Lisa Nichols

  4. As I sit here reading your blog, the tears are flowing freely. I have had you and the boys on my mind so much these last few days, knowing that today would be especially difficult for everyone who knew and loved our Colin. It's still so unreal that he is not with us here on earth any longer, however, I know too, that he is enjoying heaven and being with Jesus, whom he loved so much. Our prayers are with you every day. We are confident that God will continue to meet all your needs and that is what we pray for. We love you from the depths of our hearts - wish we could be there to give you and the boys a great big hug today. Would love to see you soon. GR & GR

  5. Dearest Missy,

    Seems like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time....that's what I always tell people.

    Well today you can say I did what one year ago I thought impossible....I made it! And not only did you make it but in the midst of pain and grieving you were even able to have some moments of great joy along the way! A widow at any given time can put their finger on that place in their heart that remembers their husband and feels the loss. After all, when we marry two become one and so at death we begin this most difficult process and learning to separate and become one person again. I never thought joy would ever be possible again. And while I continue to have our moments of grieving I stand in awe at a wonderful God that has made us capable of healing and still finding joy here on earth. I take great comfort when I imagine celebrations in Heaven. I noticed you term special days in that way as well :)

    I always said life as I knew it would never be the same. And is hasn't but what I have come to realize is it still can be good. My life looks so very, very different now than how I thought it would play out but God is able to make beauty from ashes.

    On Lorne's one year anniversary I thought maybe I should work to keep myself busy or maybe I should surround myself with people. For me it ended up being tougher than I even imagined and in some ways I think for the first time I allowed the fog to lift a little and I grieved but in that process I find another step to healing. Everyone has their own way of processing and I say you take this day and do whatever feels right for you. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to laugh then laugh. There is no right or wrong and it is your day to process the way that feels right for you and your little ones.

    I am so proud of you Missy. God has given me a connection with you and I have this ability to feel a portion of your pain. Today I woke up grieving and I knew that it wasn't my grief today but what I was feeling for someone who has become so dear to me and God has given us the honour of walking through together. I can't bring Lorne back but each time God uses my experience as a widow even in the smallest of ways to walk alongside another it just makes it a little easier. Not sure if I am rambling or making sense but I know we're kindred so you will get me :)

    You encourage me so much and have brought a lot of healing to my journey. Thank you my that my wise, wise, woman of God. I love you bunches.

    God Bless You and hold you in the palm of His hand today and always.


  6. Beautifully written Missy! I just happened to be thinking of you guys today not knowing that the one year mark had come. I think God put you on my heart. Missing Colin and love you guys and praying for you.

    Chelsey Welwood

  7. Missy, I am absolutely so blessed to have you in my life. I cry as I read your words today, especially the part about "happy 1st heavenly birthday my sweetness" because I can just hear you saying it and it is such an unselfish, loving statement with no trace of bitterness. So many times when we get together, we end up being interrupted by our kiddos (whom we love very much lol!!!) so I just wanted to take the time now to make sure you know how much I appreciate you. I know how brave you've been through this past year. In what could have been a time for you to allow others to pour into you, I've watched YOU pour into other's lives, especially mine, and YOU'VE been the encouraging, positive one every time I turn around. I am overwhelmed by your character and strength. I consider it a huge privilege and honor to call you friend. You are an excellent role model as a mommy to your boys and I am so so so proud of you. I look forward to many more memories with you and your boys....Duane & I are here for you and the boys ALWAYS. Love you muchly. ~xoxoxo~


  8. You inspire me. I want to be like you when I grow up.

    Love you. Long time.


  9. Words cannot explain. We love you and wish you the very, very best.

    Chris Johnston


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