Wow, as i sit here at my computer...a ball of nerves and emotions tumbling all around inside of me. Almost 11 months since Colin was welcomed into his Heavenly home...i'm going through pathways of grief i never expected to come up after this time has passed. Just when i thought i was doing ok, i get knocked back by some wave of intense aching. My poor Corban has been feeling it as well. He had a dream a few nights ago, that Colin hadn't left us at all, everything was perfectly normal. As i heard his cries in the night i went to him and asked what was wrong, he asked me so simply to go get Daddy...to my shock i said "what do you mean?" He was comvinced Colin was asleep in my room, in our bed...and how horrified he looked when i reminded him that Daddy was in Heaven. Needless to say i never really went back to sleep that night...sometimes i just ache for my boys, to have their Daddy here, and other times, i ache for me, for me not have to go into each day waking up alone...Just when i think i'm ok to allow God to let me down to walk holding His hand, i'm begging at His feet for Him to pick me back up where it's safe in His arms. What would i do without that hope, His hope...Where would i be if i didn't have His living breathing word to fill me where that dark black hole tries to comsume...Today is a day for our community to come together to be apart of something so much bigger than ourselves...becoming an extended family of friends and families who have been touched by cancer. Relay 4 Life...this is a day specifically for our family and support system to come together and remember Colin...to celebrate what love and life was like when we were SO incredibly blessed to have Colin be apart of our lives...to have closure of what we went through and walk together for so many still going through their journey's. I just never expected for the level of emotion i would be feeling...it is sure to be a powerful event, something we all won't soon forget...a way to give back.
As i was searching for something encouraging this morning in my Bible, i came across these verses and i just had to smile, because it was as if God Himself was cuddling me close breathing the words into my weary soul...
Romans 8:12-17
So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
This resurrection life you recieved from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance!! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we are certainly going to go through the good times with him!!!
So now, i'm gonna pray like crazy that God can use me, in our speaking tonite and with each person i have the honor of meeting as we walk with so many others!
For those local people, festivities are down in Kin Coulee Park, starting with the Opening Ceremonies at 7pm...there will be all sorts of things going on all nite...we would love for you come down and share in this powerful event!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa
Oh Melissa, tears fell as I read of Corban's experience in the night - and your's, too. The ache swells and ebbs most unexpectedly.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you tonight, too, that your heart will be expressed through your words, and that you will be a shining example of Jesus' hope in dark times.
You are always loved.
Love you Melissa...will be praying for you tonite as well. With God's help, you will be awesome and touch many!! Have a great day and hugs to the boys too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Melissa, my heart aches for you when I read your comments. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I only know too that God will see you through and my prayer for you is that He will continue to be there to comfort and strengthen you and the boys when these feelings of emotion seem to overwhelm. I trust that tonight will be an experience that will be an encouragement to you as you share with others that are experiencing a similar journey. Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, you did SO well in sharing that tiny part of your story with our group of ladies on Wednesday! Be assured that God goes before you in ALL your speaking opportunities. I'm praying for peace as even now you prepare for tonight.
ReplyDeleteI loved your comment on having "His hope"!! Where would ANY of us be without it? God bless you my young friend!
Hey Missy!
ReplyDeleteI cried when I read about Corbin's dreams. I totally understand because I too get dreams and some are so real that it takes me awhile even after I am awake to come to the full realization that Lorne is not still alive. Sometimes though it comes to me as more than a dream but a gift from God. My son Dustin was in the process of buying a farm and being a typical mom I was just worried .... hoping all the decisions he makes will prosper him and not harm him. In the midst of this I had one of those dreams and I mentioned he was buying a farm and Lorne gave me thumbs up. That was one that took me quite awhile to process that he was gone even after I awoke. And yet maybe that was a special gift from God...not that Lorne knows all, we still look to our Heavenly Father for that, but still a gift that gave me peace. Not sure what this dreaming is all about. Never held much store in dreams before and yet many times it has felt to me like it was God taking me to another level of letting go which is part of the process of healing. I had another dream recently where I did what I would call catching up with Lorne....told him everything new that has happened since he left this earth. At the end it felt so good...I remember saying in my dream that I never knew you could do this and can we do it again???
I am so proud of you and all the speaking engagements you have been willing to take on. You are making a huge difference in the lives of many. Thank you for giving to the Lord....for I am a life that was changed :)
Love you lots!!! Yvonne