Into the Unknown...2011

A new year..Already?! Honestly i don't even know what the heck happened this year?! I remember telling everyone i came in contact with last year at this time, that 2010 was our year, cuz really, it couldn't get any worse, right?! Whoa...I believe i was still so incredibly naive. Standing at the door looking into our 2010 ahead, there was so much hope, so much promise and optimism for what was in our future, both with Colin's new career and with our family. We were basking in the amazing change God had brought into our lives and we were given this new perspective of never taking any moment we had together for granted. I'm so grateful for that change, because the first 4 months would be the last we would have together as a complete family unit, whole, healthy and happy enjoying every single minute together! Man, i just can't believe there was still more to come...that our God had other plans that in my human way of thinking, i still can't piece together the gravity of what we lived through. BUT i think there is a Heavenly reason for that. God is my shield and what i have learned through this, is that i have absolutely no control over this life or any of the people whom i love so dearly. God has this incredibly intricate and intertwined plan for us and HIS timing for each of us is set, so perfectly by GOD alone! I am able to see the beauty in that plan, and although however lonely this road is without having someone to share it all with, i fully trust that God has some sort of a plan for me!
Our Christmas was so great! It was good to get away, great to be with family who we love so much and just to be on the farm away from it all, it was the best way to spend our first Christmas with Colin in Heaven. I kinda felt like there was this weird emptiness following me...I just felt lost, with how to even feel this Christmas, that even though there was people around and the house was full, I was alone. I drowned myself with how excited the boys were for Christmas and even though there was some lack of sleep involved, all in all, we had a wonderful Christmas. New Years however, is quiet, but by choice...New Years was always a time for Colin and I to spend together, we would always plan things with friends but secretly enjoyed just spending it together at home with movies and snacks till wee hours of the morning, just the two of us! Speaking of which, i'm gonna go crawl into bed and watch a movie right away here. Just thought i would update how we were holding up...to be honest, as a friend recently explained, it's not the lead up to this holiday season that is the worst, it's after it's all over that is the hard part...the silence, having nothing in the forseeable future to look forward too...So, onto 2011, with not an ounce of knowledge of what our future looks like, but i pray for many smiles and much laughter and memories with the people that i love!
Happy New Year!
Love, Melissa

Christmas With Jesus This Year...

I want to touch base with you all before we head to Hanna (to my aunt and uncle's farm) for a few days!
We got an early Christmas gift, unwanted of course, of the nasty stomach bug...it's hit Corban first and i'm just praying like crazy it will leave us alone until we can come back home after Christmas in Hanna! I've seen, yet again, the priceless drive and determination from Corban to just plug through whatever comes his way...even in the midst of throwing up literally almost every hour last night, there was not a complaint from him...brought back all too freshly the suffering i saw in Colin during the first few weeks and throughout his relapse! I thank God everyday for these valuable traits that are being passed down from Colin to our boys...the only thing is, my regret is that i didn't say more how much i appreciated those traits in Colin, himself...he knew, but i just wish i had one more time to say it again! I have a simple prayer request, that we can get to Hanna and be surrounded by family for Christmas...i just don't think my heart or my head could handle having to be stranded at home in the quiet of this season without Colin. I was SO dreading this flu bug for that reason, but tis the season i guess...my heart goes out to all of you who have had it or cared for your sweet little one's through it, wow it's nasty!
Someone very dear, who has also experienced a great loss in her own life gave me this poem and the moment i read it, i felt i needed to share it with you as well! My peace for this Christmas comes from knowing that Colin is having a blast up there with our Jesus, praising and partying and being everything God meant for him to be with not a worry or a care in the world! Imagine that kind of freedom, just to be and worship the God of creation on Jesus's Birthday! Oh i wish i could be at that party!

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear,
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmsa songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the Joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know ho much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift,
From my Heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all "LOVE" is a gift,
More precious than pure gold,
It was always most important,
In the stories JEsus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Heavenly Father siad to do,
For I can't count the blessings or love,
He has for each of you!
So have a Merry Christmas,
And wipe away that tear,
Remember, I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

-With All My Love...

Now I have to go and wipe my tears and get to packing for our trip, I pray this finds you comfort the it has for me, May God's deepest and richest Blessings fall on each one of you this Christmas! Thank you for blessing me the way you have this past year!
i'll be in touch when we get back home!
Love, Melissa

Well, there it was...the weekend has come and gone and it was the most fantastic weekend EVER!!!! It started with some shopping on Saturday, supper uninterrupted from kidlets of any kind, getting to stay in a hotel (can't even tell you the last time i did that!), getting in a great Christmas service Sunday morning followed by some more shopping (at a different mall, i love Calgary!) TOPPED OFF WITH THE MOST INCREDIBLE CARRIE UNDERWOOD CONCERT!!!! To be honest, i was SO excited up until we arrived to the concert itself, then i had this inexplicable feeling of homesickness...i really kinda just wanted to go home and crawl into bed BUT then i remembered CARRIE UNDERWOOD!!! ok, no no no, i wanted to be there, but i couldn't help but feel like Colin should have been there sitting with me, laughing hysterically for the fool i was making of myself while dancing and singing almost every word with one miss Carrie, herself! I tried to embrace every moment, because in those moments the last Christmas gift i will ever recieve from my dearest Colin was disappearing, fading only into magical memories. My heart was bursting with excitment to be in those moments, seeing someone whom i've listened to her music almost everyday since she released her first cd. Colin knew this would be so important to me, the coolest thing i will do for a long time, the highlite for a long time to come. Luckily, i had Nat beside me, knowing without me even having to say a word the depth of bittersweetness i was feeling. I had the most amazing time, thanks to the girls! Just what i needed, to get away and regroup a bit! It was good! BUT also, SO good to be home! Corban made a comment to Keegan before i left on Saturday that "mommy was just going to be gone for a few days, she has to go sing with Carrie Underwood" Oh man, i was singin with her alright, but he was quite confused when i showed him the pictures i had, and i wasn't in any of them! He actually asked where i was and why i wasn't there with her on stage?! HE'S MY HERO FOR EVEN MENTIONING IT!!! The kids did great, thanks to my parents for keeping them and to my Brother for putting some time in as well! It means so much to know that i can go away and not have to worry...i know all too well about leaving them, but this was different, it's about time to drive into Calgary for something other than hospitals and treatments, although my heart did skip a beat to drive passed a building where we could've called a second home for most of last year! Just breathe, Nat reminded me:)
So now, onto Christmas! The boys are starting to ask when they can open gifts and what i got for them, so i'm getting more and more excited to see them beam with crazy energy this Christmas!
Anyhoo, i should go clean up, the house was clean for all of 30 seconds when we walked in the door, so much for that idea:)
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa
ps.. when i was telling Nat that i was sad after the concert that it was Colin's last gift to me, she reminded me that our two boys are each treasured gifts that i have from him....and boy, do they keep on giving;)

An Early Christmas Gift...

I have been waiting for this weekend with such a sweet sadness...and intense excitement! ok, since she was discovered on American Idol, i've been the biggest Carrie Underwood fan....as i'm sure it's impossible for anyone not to be:) And admist the storm that Colin was in, in his last hospital stay in Calgary, he still had his dreamer's heart, but instead of dreaming for himself, he did something to make a dream of mine come true. Colin and my big brother Andy schemed, and Andy did the leg work to get Nat and I tickets to her concert, for a Christmas present. Well we all know that just days after this plan was made, Colin and I recieved the news that he wouldn't get to be around for Christmas...and after the most emotionally painful car-ride i've ever endured back to Medicine Hat, Colin and Andy made a phone call to each other and with his whole body shaking, Colin gave me my last Christmas present i would recieve from him, and in the process he made a little dream come true for me...The guys got us tickets to see Carrie Underwood in Calgary...THIS WEEKEND. Now, the original plan was for me to travel up to Calgary and stay with Andy and Nat...BUT now that they live here too, Nat and I and a couple of friends are going to head up and make a weekend of it...we've booked the hotel (with a hottub, i just want to sit uninterrupted in a hottub, lol, silly, i know!) and we're going to do some shopping and relaxing and just get away for a few days! I am SO excited, i haven't been out of town since the summer, and it will be good to just have some "me" time...Truth is, i've been so looking forward to this weekend, that until now, i didn't know that it typing the explanation of this would be so bittersweet...Each of our Christmas's the most exciting thing to me was always to open what Colin would get me...he just had such a great way of knowing exactly what would make me light up with out me even giving him any ideas...i'm gonna miss that; i'm gonna miss coming home after seeing this concert and bursting with excitment about it and thanking him for this gift...Christmas is still my most favorite time of the year, this Christmas i'm jealous of what Colin will get to experience...can you imagine getting to spend a birthday celebration with Jesus, Himself?!!? I try, but my tiny human brain just cannot fathom what he's going to be apart of! I guess that's what makes me SO happy...although i want Colin here with us, i'm being selfish, because i would much rather him be there partying up a storm with a host of angels and saints that have gone before us...me too, but it's not my time yet;)
For now, i'm going to enjoy little bits of heaven, like my Corban's First school Christmas concert..his class sang 2 songs, and he sang every word and did amazing actions with his sticks and bells! I'm enjoying some cuddle time with Keegan today, thanking God of the blessing in being able to be a stay-at-home mommy, and gearing up to enjoy a weekend away to just have some time as 'me'. I'm going to cherish every minute of watching the boys open presents and taking the intesity of their excitment to fill the hole that Colin has left...a happy hole, of incredible blessings and memories...we'll always have those to hold close!
ok, now i've got a house that needs to be cleaned, laundry with my name all over it, and packing to do...all done with the loudest of Carrie Underwood music...i gotta make sure i know all my words! lol
Happy Weekend everybody!
Love, Melissa

So again, i'm finding myself with cool things to think about but no one really to share them with, so again, i hope you don't mind listening/reading my spouting off!
God is reminding me what it means to have the simple faith of a child, and how powerful our God can be when we remove all of the idiosyncricies (sp?) that time, age, experiences, hurts, habits, etc, can weigh our faith down to the point that it's so far off in the distance we can hardly remember what it means to have that exciting, growth filled relationship with a loving Heavenly Father. Let me explain...last night Corban was really restless, i could hear him moving around well into the night, and then finally, he started to cry so when i went to him and asked him what was wrong, he told me he had a bad dream. Still mostly asleep, he couldn't tell me what it was about, just that he was afraid. So i did what we always do, i wrapped him up in my arms (although he's harder to scoop up, being so much bigger now)and i prayed in a whisper into his ear, and as i prayed pointedly for Jesus to keep Corban safe and brave, for HIS mightly angels to be around him and protecting him, it was almost instant. The Peace and Comfort just fell over Corban and i could physically feel him release the fear and fall back into that deep peaceful sleep. How simple his faith is, it's what makes it so easy to see God at work. He doesn't have to work at it, Corban just knows, God is real and HE keeps us safe, that's it, that's all. I was incerdibly encouraged to be a witness to that, and i have been trying myself to see it that simply for a while now. It was like God was saying, here, it's this easy, just come and rest in ME. So, that's exactly what i'm gonna do. Plain and simple! How relieving it is for me to know that when i, in all my humanness, when i can't do anything in my power to take away their pain, all i need to do is pray and lay it at the feet of Jesus...Hmmmm...that thought is just has the sweetest peace for me right now! I'm gonna go cuddle with Corban and have some tea!
Thanks for listening to my random tidbits!
Love, Melissa

Hello All!
It's been too long since i've last posted so i thought i would get you up to speed on what's been going on in our world! The boys and I are keeping busy these days...I was able to help out with worship team this past Sunday morning, and boy, it was great to get involved with music again! What an amazing place to be in the middle of such a loving extended church family! God is good! Since this is the Christmas season, afterall, i am able to get involved a little tiny bit with our church Christmas musical as well...My mom and i are singing in an ensemble, just one song, and the kids are singin' a little song too, so it's gonna be fun. It's this friday (10th) and Saturday (11th) at 7pm at Hillcrest. So our evenings this week have been eaten up by practices, but the boys come and play in the pews, they've been great and very patient.
An update on my dearest Corban...well he has been better, still not entirely himself, but i can't blame him. i'm just now starting to feel like myself, so i'm trying to love him through this rough patch. The hard thing is, that he doesn't ever want to be away from me, not for school, Sunday school, Nana and Papa, nothing...it's been a bit exhausting on my part, but he's already had one parent torn away from him...i'm willing to give him all the comfort and reassurance that i'm not going anywhere, at least thats what i'm praying...i guess it's not up to me at all. God is in complete control, and there's nothing more comfortable in this world than resting in that knowledge and peace!
To be honest, the start of the Christmas season was rough, but right now, i'm loving this time of year, i'm making it a priority to enjoy each day and i'm realizing it's not that bad...i mean of course there's a hole where Colin needs to be, and i'm not fighting that...that hole will always be there, no matter how much time passes, he is dearly missed...but God has these wonderful blessings in this life that i'm choosing to embrace and not pass them by! Christmas is one of those blessings! It's getting easier to laugh and easier not to cry so often...God is SO good!
Corban's school year has been going great and he's even starting to read and writing lots too, i'm just blown away at how Colin's determination to get it perfect has been passed on in our dearest Corban...he won't give up till he gets it right...i'm so very proud of him! He has a Christmas concert at his school next week and i'm thrilled to get the video camera out and watch him! We are busy with friends and just enjoying loving the people around us, which is such a great blessing as well!
As for today, today is a good day, it's a home day, Corban has a bad case of a head cold, so i kept him home from school and we've had the best time just relaxing and taking it easy!
I pray the rest of this Christmas season keeps going well for those of you who are also missing Colin and other loved one's! God's love heals, i pray we'll all be open to receive the gifts in each day!

oh, before i go, i have to tell you the most precious thing i heard Corban say to Keegan this morning. As i was making breakfast, the boys were sitting at their little table, and Corban was trying to explain to Keegan about Christmas being Jesus's Birthday...he then tells Keegan, "Christmas is not a time to get..it's a time to give, cuz it's Jesus's special day"...i wish i could have captured it, but hearing it melted my heart!
Blessings on you today!
love, Melissa