I'm listening to the most amazing song by Sean McConnell, "Madly In Love With You". To me, it's a love song from my loving Jesus...i discovered it just shortly after Colin went to Heaven. At first it made me cry, healing tears, missing Colin tears, but now, as i listen to it, it makes me smile. A comforting feeling knowing that my Jesus and my beloved Colin are both up there, hangin out, speaking to me through these words! Some of the words are SO rich with comfort, about how I wish i could understand what the plan is in it's entirety, but that i need not lose my faith in the God who knows ALL, but cling to those little things. Like the sun shining, or a beautiful morning sunrise, a kiss and a hug from my boys, being around my family and friends and the people i love and who love us. Those are the things that God uses to show me that He's so completely and madly in love with me! His love is seeping out from every area of his creation, if only i can switch my view and set my sights on those things! Nothing else seems to matter much when i'm choosing to surround myself in that all-encompassing love that is mine for the taking!!!
The sun is trying it's best to come out today, it's been a few days since i've seen it...and felt it's warmth...i miss that yummy warm sun! i'm hurtin to have it peer through my windows in the mornings while i have my coffee!
The boys are doing good! Corban is loving school these days, i'm headed to school with him tomorrow to be his parent helper for the last time in his Kindergarten career. I can't believe that he'll be finished his first year of school in a few short months! My Corban is growing up so very fast, i feel the need to press the pause button, but he won't have any of that, he's determined to be the biggest boy he can be, helping with his dishes after meals, with helping care for keegan...but my most favorite part, is that he's always up for a really good cuddle with mommy! i pray he doesn't grow out of that anytime soon! He still blows me kisses from the window on his school bus...almost makes me cry, as i know those days will be numbered...hence the need for a short time with the pause button on....i am, however, looking forward to have Nat and the kids here this summer...oh boy, i don't know if she quite knows what she's in for, i'll have her days so packed full of swimming and parks and sunning ourselves...i can't wait! Maybe it's my intense need to have a much-needed visit from Mr. Sun!!! lol...oh boy, i should go...Keegan needs some help with his lunch. i'm finding that although he is intensely independent with the majority of things, he still needs mommy...which i'm grateful for, he's also so cuddly and i pray it doesn't get grown out of anytime soon...there's nothing closer to heaven than having them in my arms being cuddled up under a blanket! Mmmmm...LOVE!!!
ok, well i should go here, only so much time before the rowdiness comes out and they have to be reeled back in to sit and eat their lunch!
Happy Monday!!!
XOXO
Melissa

So...How bout that weather hey?! hehe, ya i'm thinkin this winter is getting a little old as we round out the end of MARCH!!!! But, as the snow fell at the beginning of this week, my boys have been such good sharer's of the nasty chest cold going around! It was a good quiet week to stay home and get them back to 100%...well mission accomplished with Corban, he's back at school today, but my poor little Keegan is a few days behind him, still fighting a high fever and laboured breathing..he always gets it worse, this too shall pass! Lots of fluids and even more cuddles should do the trick just nicely! Seeing as how the stretch from January until now has been some of the longest i've covered so far, i thought that this latest bout of sickness would make me miserable...but i'm learning a really valuable lesson...it's more of a gift than anything else.
I think i've been going about this concept of God's Plan for my life all wrong, or just a little backwards. I always think in future tense..."I wonder what God has for my future, where He's going to take me?!" but it just occured to me that each day is all I have. Every moment i'm awake and breathing is God's future for me...an unfolding plan. My purpose. What an unsettling thought...In God's mind, He has such dreams for each moment i'm breathing but when JEsus was sent in our place to die for all the crap in this world, God's beloved people suddenly also were blessed and cursed with a choice. A free will to decide how we want to shape our each and every day. I'm convicted by how much time i waste busying myself with tasks when i have the blessing of being at home with my boys, or when i have the choice to wake up with a smile and thank God for the coming day, and instead i, "put on my grumpy pants" (as Corban so eloquantly describes it). What rich blessings i'm missing out on, by my own choice...my hat goes off to those single parents and those mom's and dad's who are separated by work that have to hold down the fort alone, it's not easy, but God never ever promised easy. He promised He would walk with us, go before us, carry us...there are so many moments that i look up and think that Colin was my better half in more ways than i can count BUT again, God is reshaping my thinking in removing my need to prove to myself that i can do this...To letting go and giving up that control to HIM! By choosing to be teachable and moldable and submitting to a God who loves me more than i could ever understand or imagine. I need to be honest though, this parenting thing is hard, and on days like the past couple that we've had, it's all i can do to just get through and slump in a pile at the end and count it a triumph that we all survived! God has more...if only i stop and look around...still myself long enough to recieve it. This is a lesson i'm gonna keep trying to get...and when i fall flat, yet again, which i'm guarunteed to do...the beauty of His Grace is sufficient, especially for me! Thank God for that!

ps...i'm on the road of conciously choosing JOY, Thanking God for my days, and i can't tell you the peace, contentment and happiness i have...i'm excited to see what God has for each day...where those "little blessings" come up, they don't seem so little to me anymore, they are the mountain tops of my day! I have a renewed sense of purpose that God can use me, simply just by being open to recieve how i can show His love to the people He has placed in my life, and to my boys...it's not gonna be perfect, but all i have is this day, and all God asks is that i try...so that's what i'm gonna do!
Love, Melissa

So, i have a confession to make, these next two posts have been previously written out on my kids contruction paper upstairs in bed...it seems that i still have issues with my sleeping or lack there of...and i refuse to use the word insomnia, cuz i just don't like the way it sounds...i'm just having some problems falling asleep at times. (I think when i write it out, it sounds more like denial, but i'm ok with that!)
So anyhoo, late at nite is usually when my mind is racing i get so many things that settle in my heart, so i use the time to mull it over and pray about what God wants to show me...so here's some stuff that i've been thinking about in my late nite quests for sleep!

We all have a story. A story to which is distinctly our own. Have you ever wondered when you are stopped at a red light, what the person in vehicle next to you is going thru?! I do, i thought about it all the time when our life stopped and we began fighting cancer. I used to think that if we, in our twenties, supposedly in the prime of our lives with an open road of possibilities ahead, could have our world haulted so abruptly, i can't imagine the pain and suffering happening all around me or in the same breath the happiness and joy as well! That very thought changed me...it caused me to think before i reacted in impatience or anger and extend grace and love because i just will never know what is going on in the lives of those around me...because i can relate, somedays it goes SO much deeper than just a bad day! The cliche saying of how when babies are born and at the same time people are taking their last breath...i thought of this the day Colin died. On the saddest most devastating day of my life, that very day was the most beautifully amazing day in someone else's. One's perspective of reality is directly affected by what's going on around them. It's in these specific season's of life that God uses to shape who we are and who He has dreamed for us to become! The pain doesn't last forever...blue skies do come, but no matter what the weather or season in life, i think the key is to keep looking UP for our direction and keep praying like mad that we are covered in His Almighty Hands of protection no matter how good or bad life gets.
One sunny day in June of 2009, God took my Grandma home to Heaven and a few short hours later our little miss Myla (my niece) was born. What JOY in it all. Of knowing that one dearest loved one had finished her race and one sweet little girl was just beginning. God, in all of His infinite wisdom knew the JOY and celebration and He so strategically put this all in such rich and amazing perspective for our family. Looking back my heart is so full of thanks and my eyes have tears of knowing the comfort in God's perfect timing. On that day in June, only God knew the road we were all about to travel, that in August of that same summer everything would dramatically change. He had such a special way of using little Myla as this incredible ray of sunshine in our darkness, and together with all of our kids, we focused on the amazing promise of God's brightest future for each one of them, celebrating every little milestone and soaking in all the love and simplicity that each of our kids had to offer! What a blessing!
I can't say enough about my family, but it takes pretty darn special people to drop everything and do whatever is needed to carry us thru...and with such close knit friends surrounding us, we were all able to come through carrying each other on the other side!
I can never repay you for being there; i am and always will be eternally grateful..and i will never be the same because of your love! It's because of you that only solidifies my conviction that there is a very real God and even though bad things do happen in this, our fallen and broken world, He loves us so very much! The exciting thing is this love that i have experienced is only the tip of the ice berg!!!!

Choosing JOY!!!

Whoa...so i've been running into people who have been so thoughtful to tell me that they are still reading my blog posts and then they say in a roundabout sort of way that they are looking for an update...this has been on my "to-do" list since the beginning of last week, so i'm thinking i need to get it done! hehe!
We have been so refreshingly busy! The last week was full of media things for being involved with our local Relay 4 Life through the Canadian Cancer Society...Dad and i had the oppertunity to do a TV interview, which for Dad is not so new, BUT for me, this was my first time doing anything like it. I have to say i was horribly nervous, but once we were there, it was so much fun and very cool to be a part of! Then Dad and i also spoke at the Launch Party for the event as well! What amazing people whom we get to meet and who are working so tirelessly on putting such an incredible event together! I am working on putting some teams together from our support system, so i'll be in touch with details for sure! i am very excited to be able to give back and be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves! It's going to be a powerful way of celebrating Cancer Survivors and to be able to remember and honor those who are no longer with us! God is SO good to allow Dad and I to be sharing our story...i think i am so grateful to be hearing of other's stories as well! What hero's are amoung us and so many hero's we will be honoring!

I'm also learning how incredibly blessed I am to have had the most amazing mom! It's kinda scary how parenting has come back full circle and those things that drove my mom crazy while she was raising Andy and I are now the very things that are driving me absolutely nuts! How eerie it feels to be saying those exact words and hearing them echo from my mom's mouth years ago! I try to tell myself, if i can do just half the job she did, i'll be successful, and I pray even harder that God will protect and keep my boys and help me to raise them up to be powerful Godly men, to influence many and show the love of Jesus wherever they go and whatever they choose to do! What a responsibility to have only one shot at! yikes, there's a lot of pressure when I think of it that way!
It does take a villiage, and what an inspiring villiage we have around us, we are in good hands...I remember a talk that Colin and I had in his final days...he wanted me to know that he wasn't at all worried about leaving us, because he knew full well that we have such great people around us, we'll be ok, we ARE ok, God is SO good! This past week in all the comings and goings and business, it was one nite before bed first Corban then keegan followed, errupting into tears. It has been a long time since our last "Missing Daddy Meltdown"...but now that keegan is talking, it made it doubly heartbreaking because both boys were crying and wanting to have Daddy back. I am finding that the more the boys are growing, the less room i have to cuddle the two of them together during these times. My little keegan kept repeating, "Want Daddy to come home". It just ripped my heart apart to hear it from him. BUT It was just a good healing time to cry, to think of the things we love about Daddy and how thankful we all are to have had Daddy for the time we did...then we prayed that God would continue to heal our hearts and that we could wake each day and choose JOY and that God's JOY could be our strength when we miss Daddy! Then as i tucked Corban into his bed, and hugged him, we talked about who we were thankful for, and those who are here that we spend such great time with, making new really fun memories! We all were able to smile and go to sleep thankful for the MANY rich blessings we have around us...I have to say it again, God is still SO good! I pray that you don't need a crisis to see the richness of God's goodness around you and to be able to hold onto it like you're life depends on it!
All we have is each new day, my prayer lately has been to fully grasp the JOY that God desires for me...to smile so much more and to enjoy whatever we are doing at that moment...speaking of which, i'm being summoned to play some ministick hockey in our bonus room, Corban's a great golie and i need to take some shots and put him in his place, for a few more years, i am still able to beat them....not for long, so i have to take advantage now! hehe!
I can't say enough how thankful i am for the one's who care to follow our journey...this life is so far from simple but that's where the crazy adventure comes from and i'm determined to enjoy it and savor the time we have as a family! I'm excited to see what God has for us!
Love, Melissa

Something that's on My Heart...

Ya know when you have those days, when it seems all is right with the world, like finally something you’re telling your kids is sinkin in and somehow it feels like you’re moving forward? (honestly, who am i kidding, it may feel like it, but i’m not sure what is really sinkin in..maybe on the 10th or 12th time of saying it...i’ve lost track already...lol)
Maybe it’s those glimpses of The Joy of the Lord that God desires us to have each and every day....could you imagine?! I think it’s become this far off dream of ours that this type of Joy in each day is somehow impossible to attain and even harder to hold on too. The weird, yet common sense thing about it is, I’m thinkin God must be just beating His head against a door because this is probably, simply, what He wants most in our everyday lives.... for us to wake up, say “good Morning, Lord, I choose Your JOY to seep through every aspect of my life and my day, Protect me from being robbed of that JOY You so desire in me”. It comes back to the very point of the intense power of Praising God through each and every circumstance, but then why is it so hard to adopt into our daily living?! It’s a trickledown effect, when we have that JOY, we want to Praise, and we want to believe God to do amazing things in and through us......i think once we’ve caught a glimpse of how it tastes, it becomes harder and harder to let go of and forget about. I think this is the nature of God Himself. That once we taste HIM and His Grace and Love, which we can’t help but want more of that peace and that JOY only HE gives. Too many people look at faith as this chore, like it’s somehow requires you giving up everything that makes you, you, and you no longer can be who you are. But the sad part of that thought is that God knew you before you were ever created, He spend so much time dreaming about your heart, your likes and dislikes..what makes you happy, what is important to you...HE knew before your life began the circumstances that would shape who you are today, and HE loves you more today with all that baggage and life experience than He did the day he dreamed you into being! I just think that our narrow-minded thinking of faith has blanketed all “religions” and branded and robbed people from entering into a really cool friendship with the God of the universe...How many belief systems can say that...I am a friend of God’s! He and I are on speaking terms, we talk, we have a relationship, and a friendship, and it’s up to me how deep i want to take that! So He not only desires to be a part of every area of my life, but He allows me to move through this relationship on my terms?!?!?! Whoa...The thing i’m thinking, is i’m just human, i’m gonna mess it up just like i mess everything else up when i try to do things on my own accord! Yikes, He must love me a whole heck of a lot to do this at the snail’s pace i’ve set before Him...all i’m learning is that He really doesn’t require much...that maybe the 20 something years i’ve been immersed in this faith has actually taken me further away than realizing the simplest of beauties is right in front of me...so pure, so rich, and so full of the most amazing blessings, if only i just accept that Great Loss, God endured by choosing to give His son so we wouldn’t have to face the end that was set up for us...that death doesn’t actually mean death at all, but the start of life, itself...true life, forever of the most amazing life we could ever imagine....and He asks nothing of us but to just believe that He did it for US!!! I don’t think it gets any cooler than that right there, if that doesn’t give you a glimpse of JOY, i don’t know what will. There is something to be said about having the bottom taken out from underneath you that will bring you to the very breaking point of forgetting everything else you “thought” mattered, and dumps you right back to the basics of what it came down to in the very beginning! Doesn’t that make you wanna share this friendship? I sure wanna make sure i’m good and close to the God who know’s what’s before me, and behind me, and beside me and who know’s how to fix the world of damage i manage to find myself in the middle of. It makes me pretty darn thankful, and i really want to Praise a God who has the kind of power to fix it all and still bless me through it....but those blessings i think, are in the journey of finding that closeness...discovering the heart of who God is, what He wants, and what He desires for us as His Beloved!

ps. Hope you can make sense of what's going on in my head...just felt like i had to share it!
p.p.s. The boys and I are good, trying to keep busy, praying spring will come before we either Freeze, or go crazy! haha!

Sweet Memories...

Wow! What a weekend! Our family went back out to Caronport to be apart of an Alumni Tourney being put on to raise support for the Athletics scholarship in Colin's name. What an honour to be a part of such a great weekend! I hadn't really realized it at first, but i have never been out to Caronport without Colin being with me. It was quite strange not to have him there, i honestly kept thinking...he was just working or something, and making mental notes of all the stuff i had to tell him when i got home...caught myself a few times in those thought patterns! It was weird but not in a bad way, it was this "step back in time" type of feeling when life was so much fun and carefree and simple! I forgot just how much fun and amazing memories we had from that place! It will always have a special place in my heart! I was asked to speak at the Banquet on Saturday night, which gave me a perfect oppertunity to share who Colin was and just a bit about our journey for those who didn't know him or hadn't played hockey with him. I am so incredibly thankful for this oppertunity, because it was an answered prayer...i had prayed many times in my travels back and forth to Calgary and home, that this experience would not be in vain, that we wouldn't have to go silently...that God would use our experience and raise up new believers and encourage others fighting their own battles. What a privilege it was for me to be able to share, i think the blessing was in God providing me the chance to do so, having answered my prayers from so long ago...HE is faithful, I had a great time! Thank you to all who were involved in putting this weekend together and to all who came from near and far to be apart of it!
The kids did great as well, and we had some of my family and some of Colin's family there to visit with and just enjoy catching up and relaxing at the rink together! It stung a little bit to be at the rink watching hockey, because the last time i watched any kind of hockey, Colin was playing...i miss it, i miss the atmosphere of a good hockey game! I miss watching Colin play...
It was great to get out of town, but equally great to get back home and feel refreshed for another week...
On that note, laundry is calling my name and the kitchen looks like a bomb blew off in it, so i must keep on with my day!

Love, Melissa

Whoa! it's been a bit of a stretch without an update! I better get on that now then! Well, dare i say we have a teeny tiny window of time while the boys are healthy again to get out and be social again?! "START THE CAR" haha...that silly Ikea commercial comes to mind. Man, January was a tough one this year, but i remember thinking last year, when Colin was in the thick of all his treatments, they would allow him to go home as long as no one around him was sick. Seriously?! What kids don't ever get sick, and of course so was the case, we wouldn't tell the Doc's our kids were sick cuz Colin didn't want to risk not being able to go home, so he would risk his own health just to get there. So the maddness of hand washing and lysoling after each germ filled hand touch something Colin would touch began...wow, i still can't believe how i didn't go crazy cleaning up after each of them, or how my hands didn't burn off with the lysol amounts that i used! So in a late night cleaning rampage, i remember sitting on the stairs after finishing the railings and light switches and crying into my hands...vowing that when we were able to relax a little more, when a break would come, and the kids were "allowed" to get sick...i promised myself it would be the most freeing feeling, and i remember thinkin i won't worry anymore about it, cuz God obviously had that area under control! So, to be honest, although the days were long, i was so happy to just be free to have "sick days" again with my kids, and not have the anxiety of how this would affect our family time or how fearful i was of how it would affect Colin's health. He's all good! No sickness can touch him again! AND the worry is God's to take from me, that in itself is a huge weight and a freedom that i am spending each day basking in!

So long story short, the past few days have been busy, just scootin around town getting stuff done, along with some much needed catch up time with great friends! it's amazing how much that lifts a person's spirits! This week will be another busy one and on Friday my family and i will head out to Caronport and meet some of Colin's family there to spend a weekend at an Alumni Tourney at Briercrest in Colin's honour. This will be a fundraiser for the College Athletic Scholarship started in Colin's name. It will be very cool to be apart of and i am hoping to see lots of people we went to school with and catch up with lots of guys Colin played hockey with over the years! The best part will be to see the new rink that Colin would spend countless hours dreaming of and wanting to go and play in!
Anyhoo, we're doing good, just pluggin away, taking it one day at time, it's good!
Happy Monday!
Luv, Melissa