Keegan's Thoughts...

I am reminded yet again how, at such a young age, my little Keegan has such a profound understanding of our situation. I had to wash his bedding so i switched his pillow case to one of his Daddy's favorite t-shirts (it's Corban's thing, he has to have a t-shirt for a pillow case, just something Colin thought about and wanted them to do to remember him and feel close to him) anyhoo, Keegan sits up just before going to sleep and through his jumbled "just learning" little words, points to the t-shirt and says Daddy?! If you can picture the cutest perflexed look on a 2 year old's face, and then he proceeds to tell me about Daddy being gone, and points to different parts of his face and tells me about Daddy's owies and that he was sick! Then he squeezes his face together and says "cry", mommy, daddy, cry?! WOW...all of this almost 2 whole months after Colin's passing! So i then tried to simply explain that Daddy is not sick anymore, that he's all better in heaven playing with Jesus. But that we will all miss him very much. Needless to say i kinda lost him, but he nodded anyway, probably just to make me feel better. I need to give him more credit with the amount of information he retains these days, he's not a little baby anymore, he my big boy.
So on the coldest day of the week, tonite me and the boys went on a bike ride to Nana and Papa's house and picked them up and we all went for a great little bike ride all around the trails in our neighbourhood...just before getting to the turn where we go up to our new house, Corban wants to take the alley way instead so we had to keep going straight instead of making the turn...Keegan starts to cry and yell, "home, home", because he thinks we're not headed home! aww, again just another example of both how much he know without me really being aware of it, and just how much me and my boys feel home and settled in our new house! God is SO good, and amisdt of our daily reminders that it's just the three of us now, this move and this new routine that we're settling into is good, it's healing, so far i haven't been able to really consciously feel like there is any "healing" taking place. BUT it is, whether i'm aware of it or not, it is and we are just trying to keep our heads up and enjoy each other and our families and friends, and oh what amazing friends and family that are around us! I am still so constantly being reminded that although Colin isn't here, our friends are still so generously taking care of me and the boys, keeping us busy with playdates and suppers and just hangin' out! We have SO much to be SO thankful for!
Corban still has this week off and come next Tuesday, Sept. 7th, he's gonna be a big school boy! I'm secretly glad we still have this week for me to prepare, he's so pumped, but i'm a big ball of nerves, which with every worry, i'm praying them to God to take care of, He's taken care of everything so far, so i'm just gonna keep going with a really great thing!
ok, i'm gonna go muster up some energy to be productive of some kind this evening! Keep warm!
Night!
Luv, Melissa

Sunday Treats!

Oh, your comments are too kind! I love sitting at the computer and scrolling to my blog and reading your encouraging words, cuz it makes me smile....Thank You!
Guess What!??! Today was Sunday #2 that i was able to actually sit in a pew in church and be a sponge to soak up God's word and comfort! YEAY...Most of our summer and well, the past year, has been getting the boys in to their respective Sunday school classes and making sure they are comfortable to stay...usually with me hovering around close by...which is my number 1 priority, but it has been extra special for me to be able to get some time to go into my own "sunday school" and get filled up a bit too....it's been too long and i feel so blessed that me and my boys are settling back into our Sunday Church routine!
i'm sitting here looking at Keegan, his face full of crusted on icing from his Timbits we got after church...that was our thing....every Sunday for a treat after church, Colin and i would take the boys on a Tim's date and get a coffee and Tim Bits to enjoy...i want to keep that little "treat" for me and the boys! Especially on a rainy day like today, what's better than a hot coffee and quiet boys because they are enjoying their "mini donuts" as Corban calls them!
Each day music is a big part of our being at home life...but lately, Corban is not able to listen to anything but up beat tunes....he cries every time he hears a slower song or a worship song...he says he misses daddy...poor lil guy...but i guess i'm just trying to be sensitive to him and we have a good cry and a good talk, so it brings out more communication which i'm grateful for. AND our little Keegie, boy he's gonna be a worshipper, that one! All he wants to do is sit at the computer and sing or "shin" as he calls it....man i have the cutest kids in the world...i guess i'm biased! lol. Well the past few days have been quiet and i love it, last night i actually sat and watched a movie again....i can't even remember the last time i did that! Just getting back to the basics and keepin' life pretty simple, that's been the best thing so far!
ok, i need to go get lunch ready...happy cozy Sunday!
love, Melissa

Sometimes Hard to Read...

Whoa! I have to apologize, that last entry was a little rambled and jumbled together. It must be hard to read my scattered thoughts on this blog...makes me realize what amazing people i have in my life to even take the time out to read my thoughts and experiences at all! So, THANK YOU!

Gettin' Back To Business...

I need to be quick, cuz i just refilled my coffee and i told the boys i would be right back down. They are riding their scooters in the basement, honestly, we've been having so much fun. I finally feel like my boys are back and i have a little bit of me back too, we've all been talking lots and just enjoying each other. Is it just me or did this week fly by? We have been enjoying bike riding and playing at the park this week and just doing a whole lot of nothing....I'm finding it so incredibly refreshing to be a friend again. To whisper more than breath prayers for my friends and family is the most amazing thing. I've had so many people invest their prayers and time and efforts and energy into Colin, the boys and myself over the last year and now...I am finally able to start investing in my friends and really pray not just little prayers when i say i'm going to pray. It feels so good! Being able to have suppers with friends and family and just enjoy the moments fully and completely! Speaking of which, i think we're going to go for a Booster Juice field trip, a date morning with my boys! FUN!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

Night Lights and BIG Dreams...

Man, sleep just isn't coming for me tonite. I keep closing my eyes and having falshbacks to Colin's last hours before he passed away. The last night i spend rushing around at all hours of the night tending to his every needs...giving him injections of pain meds and anti-anxiety stuff to help keep him as comfortable as possible. I'm having a tough time even envisioning how that was me...how was i able to function efficiently when i felt like everyone around me needed something from me...well, i'm actually not quite sure how effective i was, i'll let family and friends decide that for me, but if it wasn't for the beautiful calming Grace of God, i wouldn't have survive it.
As me and the boys were in our van driving today, i was thinking, in the 7 short but so wonderful years Colin and I were married, i'm pretty sure all my dreams came true. I know you're thinking, "such a cliche". Honestly, for as long as i can remember, all i dreamed of was getting out of school, meeting my perfect God-sent husband, who God absolutely delivered and blew me away with Colin! AND getting married and having a family. In my mind, true success and riches was emcompassed in this very simple but so beautiful picture...All i ever wanted to do when i grew up was to be a wife and a mommy, and God granted me all of my dreams. In another breath, i'm left in this weird nothingness...trying to be a fully function parent, and honestly making it my goal in each day not to be so impatient with my boys. Mentally making the choice to smile and find the good that God has blessed us with in each moment. But now my new reality is that i have to start back at the beginning with my dreams....i don't even know what that really means, i'm just trying to figure out who my boys are after all of this, not to mention that i don't really even know who i am anymore! I mean, i know who i am in Christ, and i guess that's all i need to worry about but i know that God desires us to dream BIG dreams and i pray i'll someday feel like i can start to dream again! The day of the funeral, when i was ready to leave and everyone had already gone home, this friend of our family's came to me and hugged me, and she told me she was excited to see what God has in the days ahead, what He has for my future. I keep forgetting that i'm still here to have the future....and it's ok for me to pray that God will bless the future that me and my boys have ahead of us.
I bought myself a night light today...everyone has a crutch, and for my whole life mine has been that i don't like being in the dark alone. When Colin and I got married to remember telling him that i was so excited to be able to go to bed every night for the rest of my life not having to be alone in the dark anymore. Lately with my not sleeping very well, the dark is so deafening and i find myself anxiously awaiting my late night wake ups, having to turn on a light to get myself back to sleep again....so now, i'm proud to say, me and the boys have great night lights in all our rooms, albeit the boys have cooler one's than mine, but if we can all sleep a little more peacefully, what's the harm?! I'm sure not afraid to share my fear, i've shared so much with you all already, you might as well know everything!
ok, now to go up and try it out, hopefully this will be the start of more dreams being born....or maybe someday soon!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Long Overdue Good Days!

Wow...i just finished cutting the huggest, juiciest red onion! I'm still crying from it, so forgive me if i make some typo's more so than usual:)
Well, we have been kinda long overdue on having a stretch of good days, and i'm so very thankful to report we are on day #2 of some REALLY good days! Quiet, has been the common theme, no one around just kinda doing our own thing...i've made it my priority to try to spend as much quality and quantity time with Corban, alongside Keegna, haha! It has been a blast! I've notice an immediate change in Corban as well, for the good. Your comments and advice on kids trying to depict their emotions whatever they may be was SO helpful and i so much appreciate and FEEL your prayers with my boys! I'm glad we are havin some good times, the momentum keeps us floating in the tough ones! i've been catching up with a lot of my friends that i haven't been able to spend time with throughout this past year....i'm enjoying being a friend again and hearing and investing in my beauitful friends, since they have spent so much of their time investing in us lately!
I'm entering into this extreme tired phase, or something, i just can't get energy for a whole lot lately, i mean, i'm trying my best with the boys and i'm running around but it takes every fibre in me to keep that pace the whole day till bedtimes! It would help tremendously if i could get some quality sleeping time in, but i think that might be asking for too much right now! I don't want to complain, just kinda checking off on the list of things that are so called "normal" through this process. Normal, such an overrated word, and really i've found it means pretty much nothing...each of us are so unique and our situations are so different, i hate being placed into a box of normal, it's too easy! Whoa, sorry. Just venting my "normal" frustrations:) i'm done now!
Tonight the boys are going to spend some time with my parents while i go hang out with some of our best friends for fondue! I can't wait, should be a good time! I am still trying to get used to the fact that i'm on my own for our "couple" hang out times, but having these people in my life and being supported by them is non-negotiable for me, so they are stuck with "Missy" whether they like it or not! haha
Anyhoo, gotta go have a mean game of Mario Kart with Corban on the Wii!
Talk Soon!
Luv, Melissa

Fork in the Road...

Waking up to no Reverse Osmosis water coming out of the tap this morning as i tried to make my coffee, then rushing downstairs with that sinking feeling, and sure enough stepping onto the basement floor with water puddling through my toes, was not such a relaxing start! It was well after 1030am that i had the kids fed and watered and the "water" situation in the basement all cleaned up. Thanks to my Dad always being, "just a phone call away", we had the plumber called and the problem fixed within the hour. My mom came with the shop vac and together we cleaned up and cleared out the "wet" areas and put the fans on to air everything out. Did you know that this was the first time i've ever had a problem like that?! Even with Colin being around, we had never had anything like that happen to us. What a blessing. As i went around with teh vacuum hose sucking up all the water, i wondered how much "more" was going to happen?! I'm not even going to go there...Breathe, and i did, and it was ok...after we all got dressed and ready and i finally got my great cup of coffee, i found myself at a crossroads to my day...good or bad, my choice, to be honest, that's a powerful choice, one which i wish i don't always have to decide....so, we did what anyone in my position would do. I turned up our favorite mix of music and me and the boys had a nice long fabulous DANCE PARTY! I remember reading somewhere, or maybe not, that dancing works off stress, and stress was the order of the day, so what a GREAT way to destress our morning! We were all laughing and smiling, although i had to choose to put my smile there, all i really felt like doing was going back to bed and laying in a puddle of my own tears, but as each song played, it got easier and i soon didn't have to try so hard anymore! God is GOOD!
"Sigh"..i am at my wits end for my dearest Corban though, i just don't know what it has been lately, but he is just a different kid...something that i've been before in him from time to time, just testing us out and seeing how consistent we still are on the rules....BUT each time in the past, Colin would take him and "talk" with him and it was like he somehow had this magical recipe for getting Corban to "come out" of whatever funk he was in....but now i don't have my sweet Colin to call on for back up, and i'm a little lost on what to do...just trying not to get aggrevated at some of the things he does or says is a battle in itself....i just hate having to do this, with his great big wound still oozing and fresh....i'm overwhelmed and so tired and i know that no one else but me can get him through this....just makes me see how long the road is ahead for our missing "daddy". This sucks...it just plain sucks and i hate living through this, but one thing i read in the first grief book i opened the other day was that God doesn't take away the pain of grief, He grieves with us, and cries with us, it's how God's love really works! "That's why every person who truly deeply share the pain of your grief with you is going God's work!" (Kenneth C. Haugk) How profoud of a statement! How comforting i feel with the blanket of God's love around me! Walking with God hasn't kept us from the pain of the process BUT it has opened us up to such a raw and unfailing, reckless abandon, kind of love....A God who has felt and hurt and been just as broken as we have been through this....HE KNOWS and I am trying not to lose sight that God has some sort of "something" good to bring out of this. Colin was SO precious, and such a rare gift for us all to have shared, but sometimes i forget that God has something for us, the one's who are left here to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess of the aftermath! Oh God, bring fruit from such intense pain, please, i beg of You to keep carrying me, and all of us who are walking this grief together!
By you who encourage, you are being used beyond your wildest dreams to bless me and keep me going through this time....i am FOREVER changed and thankful for your kindness and willingness to be used in that way!
Love, Melissa