Could it be?!

Man, just when i thought my sleep patterns were getting back to normal, i start struggling to fall asleep again...and when i can't fall asleep, i come down and write on the blog! What a week this one has been...in a good way! Corban seems to be settling in at school, and Keegan and I are having a good time together maning the rest of things around home! Well, between groceries and playdates and running a bunch of other errands, home hasn't been on the top of the places we've spent a lot of time this week. So today, on this nice and cozy Saturday, we spent the day at home...aside from a great run/stroller/bike ride (i'm sure you'd be able to fill in the blanks on who was doing what!)we enjoyed some fresh air with Nana and Papa and then just did our thing at home...perfect! I feel like the feeling of wanting to sleep forever and ever is finally lifting and i can be productive in my days...and by the end, although i'm exhausted, i feel like i've done something! It feels good. I'm feeling WAY better about how i am as a parent as well...there's something they fail to mention when you lose a spouse/co-parent...that while you, yourself have to grieve and find a way to keep going, you also are responsible for getting your kids through the same tramatic ordeal. BUT WAIT...i've never done this before, so how am i supposed to do that?! Good thing i have a God who has been carrying us, but i honestly have to admit, my mood swings have been all over the map...something else "they" failed to mention can happen...and after seeing my Doctor, i'm discovering that this kind of thing is normal with this kind of stress...i sure don't ever want those moods to be normal for me...it's hard enough just being a parent and wanting to be a good parent cuz my kids deserve that from me, but i'm not proud of how short my fuze was in those first few weeks or months...it's getting better...i'm feeling like myself again, at least as a parent and it's been a lot longer than Colin's passing since i've felt that way, so i pray it's safe to say i'm headed in a good direction! I have to tell you the cutest story, because, honestly more than anything i miss having someone to "tell" those cute stories to at the end of each day...i used to keep a little note pad for things to tell Colin when he would get home from work (my memory is awful, and i didn't want to forget all their cuteness) it still stings when the supper table is set and only 3 of us are eating...still more adjustments to be made, but i'll tell you the cute story that happened at bedtime tonite. I was putting the boys to bed, after reading stories in Corban's bed all three of us said our prayers, and tonite, it so happened that literally, all 3 of us prayed our different prayers at the exact same time! oh man, only God knows what we actually said, keegan is even praying his "me prays", mommy?! haha...so after tucking Corban into bed and giving hugs and kisses me and keegan went to the door, but keegan ran back to Corban and they had to hug and kiss and it was the sweetest thing, because they missed the first time and giggled until they both fell over and then on the second kiss they smacked their lips so loud the giggling just continued...precious moments. Moments which have been so overlooked through the initial parts of my grief, i am SO grateful that i am able to see those moments and truly appreciate them...our little family, just the 3 of us. It's not looking so lonely or scary to me anymore...my boys are so full of life and energy and they are raw with emotion and feelings and i love that...i love that i'm excited to see each new day...thoughts still flitter by throughout my days when there still is a sting in my heart, but only for a moment...Praise God...they truly do mean it when they say it does get easier and "this too shall pass", it's been my motto since Colin was diagnosed, and before when we were apart for 3 months of his police training...now, i don't want to wish away each day, i want to live it, and enjoy every minute of it...it's all Colin and i wanted to do, every moment we had with our little family, was enjoy every ounce of precious time we had, so i'm gonna keep doing just that!
p.s. About 2.5 months ago, i really didn't believe that anyone could "heal" from someone they loved most in this world being torn away from it, but God had this funny way of putting just enough in front of me to not get overwhelmly broken and in those beginning days He kept me aware long enough each day to see the gigantic blessings of provision and comfort and the kindness of others...and TIME...God's timing and just the blessing of time in general...God can heal, ALL WOUNDS, ALL HURTS, ALL those STRESSES...I have nothing but Praise in my heart, and it feels good to know beyond anything else, that God is with me, taking care of me and my boys...healing me and my boys! When we were desperately praying for Colin's healing and for our miracle of his healing, i wasn't fully aware how God would use those prayers for healing, and extend them far beyond just Colin, but also to all of those who knew and loved him...and to all of you who walked and are still walking this road with us!

I forgot how much i love to sing! Ok, you're probably thinkin', "huh?" but i've grown up in the church singing my heart out...my whole life I feel like God put oppertunities to share throuh song, in my path with school, grads and stuff and programs through choir and music at our church, I felt like God entrusted me with a gift and i always just loved to sing! In the van, at home, in the backyard, now with my kids. Only now i feel like it's ok to sing again. Obviously God used this period in my life to teach me a set of completely different lessons and i am so grateful He did. This period of crisis taught me to LISTEN...around every corner, or every turn of events, there were so many things we just did not know. How treatments were going to go, how quickly Colin would recover, who was going to help us care for the boys and how we were going to make it all work. I learned very early on, with my wanting to figure it all out fast kind of nature, God was forcing me to sit and LISTEN and WAIT on Him to work it all out and make it all happen. HIS plan was what was important...not the plan i worked out perfectly in my head for how i thought things were supposed to go. By beginning to learn this hard lesson, i also felt like i just couldn't open up to singing in anywhere more public than alone, in my car on the trips to and from Calgary. I never lost my love to sing, but my singing was my pleading prayers to God through worshiping in my car. If i was headed to Calgary, i would plead for God to keep the boys safe and to bless those who were caring for them...to get my head in the game to being a cargiver to my husband....then on the way back home, if Colin wasn't able to be with me, i would plead for God to keep Colin and heal him from this aweful disaster of a situation which was our life at that point. Singing is such a personal part of how i'm able to share my heart, but i was really trying to soak in the lessons of listening and hearing where God was wanting to use us through it all. Even if we were able to be at church, i just couldn't actually make an audible tune...i was silenced by actually listening to the words of those songs, the one's you grow up singing week after week...they lose their meaning..but i was learning to love the meaning of those songs, and God was showing me how beautiful music can be, if we quiet ourselves long enough to listen. Along with loving to sing, i'm finding it in me once again to praise...Praise is a powerful thing, it has this amazing way of bringing healing and release to my exhausted soul...it empowers me that through Christ, i can keep running, i am able to keep going because this life hasn't stopped for us. God has something, and i'm slowly realizing that it's ok to want or believe that God is going to bring good, and He already has, but that we can thrive and grow and be excited that God has not forgotten about us here! His plans for Colin have been carried out...but there are still plans in the works for us here, and i'm learning that it's ok to be excited for that...ok, i admit that again, my picture is probably WAY off of what God will actually bring about, and that scares me a little, having gone through the past year..BUT...God is a good God, and i have to TRUST that HE is guiding me....HE hasn't steered me wrong yet...i have no reason NOT to trust HIM..so i'm jumping in and holding on for dear life for what's next!

The song by Christy Nokels, "Healing is in Your Hands" says;
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know, can keep us from Your love
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough, to keep us from Your love
How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your Hands
How Deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand, Healing is in Your Hands
Our present, our future, our past is in Your hands, we're covered by Your Blood
In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerors, we're covered by Your Blood!
These rich words, are words that have brought me such healing and promise and passion to keep seeking and keep drawing on a God who has vowed to love and protect me since time began! I pray that these words, no matter where you are in life, can give you that same rich meaning and promise, and that you can find praise and healing wherever you are!
Sweet Dreams!
Luv, Melissa

Again, I'm Speechless!

Did you know that although being a small city, Medicine Hat is the most incredible little city i could have ever dreamed possible?! I say this not for it's amazing topography or the breathtaking views..(catch the sarcasm), but for the most amazing people who reside here! Today the Medicine Hat Police Association hosted a fundraiser BBQ and garage sale in hopes to help with our boy's future educations! I have already seen such blessings from all of our extended family at the Medicine Hat Police Service, and again, i am found speechless at how blessed we have been through these people who again and again go above and beyond! From the minute Colin was hired to be a policeman in this city, he was so very honoured to be apart of these men and woman who work so hard to keep us safe! I can say so very honestly that Colin is smiling SO hugely, with tears streaming down his face (from where he is in Heaven) again, SO proud to have been apart of this community and this local Police family! I am also so very honoured to be apart of this extended police family, even now that Colin is gone, you have taken such GREAT loving care of me and my boys, and we are so very thankful for you all!
To those friends and family and people from the community who came out and donated garage sale items to support us on this day, again, i say that i am so richly blessed to be apart of such a kind and generous city of people who surround and support each other through time of crisis and need! I pray God's Richest Blessings over each one of you, I don't know you all, but God does! A big Thank you to our neighbours who is also apart of our Police family, who donated all the HUMONGOUS bouncy castles for all the kids to play on (Bounce of Fun, i believe the name is)....speaking on behalf of my own two boys, they were sweaty and red faced and i couldn't wipe their smiles away if i wanted too! There are just no words to properly thank each one of you who has taken time out of this day and days leading up to today to help out! God is good, Thank you for allowing HIM to use YOU to bless our boys!
Loving each one of you!
Melissa (and Corban and Keegan)

Tidbits of Strength...

Our first real week of this "school" thing is almost done and i'm thinking we can get the hang of it for sure! Corban has done well, a few tears today but he said his teacher cheered him up! What a blessing to have good teachers to care for our beloved little ones!
i'm really lovin' this cozy day, it's been a busy one, Keegan and i have been all over visiting friends and getting stuff crossed off my list! He's my BIG helper! We're having a lot of fun reading TONS of books, too, it's bringing it all back from what i used to do with Corban...reading the same one's over and over and over...need i say more?! haha it's funny how fast you forget just having one child when #2 hits the ground running! haha
i'm thankful...God's presence is continually showing me where to step and how to get through this...AND that i can stand on my own two feet and do this!...i'm seeing HIS encouragement in the kid's bible stories, where before i was just reading words to my kids, it's like God is speaking to me in more than just my quiet times, and i love how safe that makes us! I pray my boys feel that same peace, and safety that is surrounding us! I feel like a kid looking back at their parents yelling, "look at me, Daddy! i'm really doing it!" Not me, per say, but God is going before me each day, and at times, i can even tell that He's set me down to walk on my own beside Him for a time...carrying is still in the order, but He's showing me that i can walk with HIM and that i will weather this storm and come out stronger through Christ for having walked it! Sometimes i can feel a little of that strength and other times, there's not an ounce in me and i'm begging God for any little bit HE can spare...one day at a time...and tonite, my blanket, hot cup of tea and the fireplace upstairs is calling my name...need to go relax and watch some good shows!
Love, Melissa

Just Keep Swimming...

My Dearest Corban:
You went to school today! Your first day of kindergarten! My heart is broken but so full of joy. You have begun a process of growth and learning, an adventure to fin who you are and who God is dreaming you to become! God has such BIG plans for you, my boy! Such a gentle and loving spirited little man. I want you to know that today and each day forward i could not be more proud and in love with you! I pray that as the days, months and years pass you will be open to our God and HIS purpose in your life! I promise you, that not a day will go by that you will not know the love your Daddy had for you but also the intense love that your Father in Heaven has for you! How proud they both are of you, in this moment, and in the many moments to come! May you always know the love of your Heavenly Father who hurts with you, cries for you and heals your broken heart as many times as needed! HE longs to love you more than any earthly daddy could be capable of loving...I'd say you're a pretty blessed little boy to know and experience that kind of love! Keegan and I will miss you so much when you're gone, but we will be praying down the minutes till we see you after school! You'll be ok, and when you're not, i'll be here to hold you and we'll pray your tears away! What a BIG boy you are and what an indescribable JOY you have brought to my life! I love you beyond words! Be Blessed today, your first day of school!
Love, Your Mommy

Ps. I write this as Corban is fast asleep, exhausted from a fun and full day at school! What fun he had, and such great stories he told me about hunting for pictures of animals and having 3 recesses! We finished the day with a bike ride after supper and he was singing little songs from his music class...He told Keegan he was too tired from school to play ball with him...a few minutes later they were wrestling on the floor:) God is GOOD! We ALL had a good day, it was quiet for me and keegan but we dove into a TON of books and he was mommy's little helper all day! His nap was the first quiet time thru the day i've had in over 2.5 years~never realized how much i loved that mid-day bit of down time! Nothing like i imagined the first day of school of my little man....i whispered a number of times in the van on the way to the school how much i missed Colin and how our plans to face this day together didn't get to be played out, but he was there, I believe he had a little bird's eye view of his little social butterfly having a great first day!
Onto planning for Thursday...Corban's schedule is Tues, Thurs and Friday's so we'll see how the rest of the week plays out...tonite, i know he'll sleep good! So will I! i'm glad that this day is under our belts...."just keep swimming" is chiming thru my head...lol....I remembered to breathe, you'd be proud of me, a lot of deep breaths, Keegan was even echoing my breaths...pretty cute!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Getting into a Good Groove...

A verse that has been on my heart and in my mind today has been one out of James (a personal favorite of mine to read), chapter 1 verse 2-4: "Consider it pure JOY, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
Again i am reminded how much our lives have been changed forever by the course of events over the last year and a bit now....it was 2 whole months, yesturday, that Colin has been gone....i don't even know what to say to respond to that time. What i can tell you is that we are feeling so safe and cozy and settled in our new home, which was the best decision God layed out for me and the boys to have a fresh start. I keep looking around still in awe that we got the house of our dreams, Colin would be just over the moon excited about this house if he were here. Me and the boys are establishing our little family unit again, and i feel so good about the progress we've been making. Obviously life has been pretty quiet, just catching up with friends and having lots of playdates to keep busy...but the past few days, for the first time since Colin's been gone, i feel like i'm safe enough to stay home...not having to be so busy all the time. I feel the beginning of healing and restoration taking place, and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, my heart hurts, but i know God is hurting with me, and He's also the One carrying me through that hurt to have some good happy heart times too! I've never heard anywhere that this life we live won't bring us trials or tough times, but i do know that God has already overcome this world, so we can find our hope in those promises! Today, i've already cleaned the bathrooms, planned out Corban's lunch, i have his backpack all packed up and ready to go, and we've already planned breakfast in the morning, too! We are as ready as we'll ever be for this day. Boy, everything i envisioned for this moment is so backwards...Colin and i were just trying to get him to be there for this day, but God had other plans, and we have to be ok with that. I may not like it, but i'm ok with it, because we had bigger prayers of healing that needed to be addressed and i guess God knew and trusted me alone, to handle this momentous occasion in our son's life. I can honestly tell you i am so completely excited for him to start school, to watch him learn and grow and make friends...he deserves this time to learn! I am also so grateful to have some "catch up" time with Keegan...i feel like i completely missed out on his little life from age 1 until 2, so now for tomorrow when we get back home from getting Corban off to school, i am planning on getting the biggest stack of books and just sitting on the couch with my littlest man, and catching up on all the reading i missed out on! I know, i don't have to do it all in one day, i'm sure we won't get very far, but he loves to read, and i want to honor that and be with him to read those books, like mommy's do! I am being a mommy, exactly what i've wanted to do and to be my whole life, and i'm so excited that we are falling into this groove of the 3 of us that feels so simple and perfect and normal. Our normal, and i'm determined to make it the best normal life for my two little men! I just never thought this transition would come, it was always far off, and now it's tomorrow....i'm praying like crazy it all goes ok...don't worry i'll be updating you on how we make out tomorrow! Just Breathe...right?! oh ya, i actually need to do it, and not just write it;)
love, Melissa

Candid Thoughts

I can't believe how fast this week has flown by! Here i think i have an entire week to prepare for Corban's first day of school and it's fast approaching! I have heard so many mom's being in that same place over the last few weeks and to all of you moms out there who have sent your babies off to school or high school or college, i admire your strength and courage, and pray i have the same when the day comes. There's comfort in knowing we are not alone and that so many mommy's have walked this path and are there to offer all sorts of wisdom and advice!
I am quickly learning the power that stress has on the human body....something that you can't see, only feel the effects of, kinda like God's Spirit and His power, but totally negative;) I guess the adrenaline and fast-paced life of Colin's last few months is now finally catching up....whoa, headaches have been my body's way of showing stress, which was good cuz i can push through a headache but the last 5 days of a bad headache slowly turned into a migraine which was like none i've ever had so far! Today, i'm am SO thankful that i am pain-free from that nasty headache! We've been out to the park and had a picnic on the driveway when we came home, and the best part is that the boys are having a "good, well-behaved" day, well, so far...i won't say an entire day until i see it happen. lol!
Sadly, i am coming to realize that my days of having that one or two or maybe three cups of AMAZING coffee in the morning, are dwindling...over the past year, i have become quite attatched to my coffee's each day, they were the only constant routine item in our whirlwind life....and i often wondered when my body would say, enough coffee for a bit....it's easy to stop drinking it when the instant i drink it, my stomach starts a small wildfire! Not sure what to do with that one, but i've written it on my "to ask" at the Doc when i go...ok, so enough information, i have been pretty candid, so i'm gonna stop now....I don't want this to sound like i'm complaining, no wait, let me reread it first....
ok so i just read it thru and it's all here, real and in truth with how we're living right now, so no need to change it...
whoa, my journal is laying open on the desk in front of me and i just read a portion of Ps 23: "Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me". Just like that tears freely flow cuz this portion of Gods word was what Colin constantly repeated the night before he passed away...for me the meaning of this verse is just how God takes us to the mountain by routing us thru the valley ~ He guides us right into His presence and for Colin, he was guided right into heaven's gates to be home with Jesus! The power of God to take any ounce of fear away from him....it was inspiring to be apart of that, and see God so alive in those moments. Since then i see God's power to take away my fear, to ease our pain, and to erase my worries. I am reminded again to "just breathe" God is gonna take us through the rest and handle the details along the way. I sure hope my mountain comes....I can only imagine what an amazing mountain top Colin is on....we miss you sweetie...our thoughts are consumed by the amazing example of Christ you were, and how you loved so fully and so deeply, we are SO very blessed to have been on the recieving end of that love!
Love, Melissa