The most vividly clear memory in my head of the day Colin died was my first real, formed thought after getting off of the bed and walking out of our bedroom for the very last time with him...was this..."How on earth am i going to survive Father's Day"...I don't know why out of all of the 'firsts' and dreaded lonely holidays and special occasions we would have to face, this one stood out...but i guess Mother's Day and Father's day was our special day to show one another how special and very amazing we thought one another was at being a parent...since our boys are still kinda young to understand the importance of the day, we would do our very best in our own individual ways of making each other feel so loved and special. A day to celebrate the precious gift of being entrusted with these sweet perfect little one's. It also just so happens to be Corban's last day of Kindergarten which is the first real thing that from beginning to end, Colin was not apart of. I'm so very proud of my little man, but so very sad because i knew just how badly Colin wanted to hang on, to be able to take Corban to his first day of school...it's these occasions and day's like today when all the dad's were to go to the school for "Donuts for Dad's", which Papa and Uncle Andrew so perfectly filled in for...and then tonite for my little boy's kindergarten graduation that i think shock is still lifting that we don't have Colin with us...it just shouldn't have to be like this for my boys...it's not fair that they don't have their loving, patient Daddy to be their #1 fan, cheering them on...and spending their summer holidays training for the adventures that only Daddy's and son's get to do together.
I do also need to say Thank you to the males in our life that do give so generously of their time to fill that void with my boys...we are blessed beyond measure, but it does sting so badly to see them have to go through these holidays different from everyone else.
To my big brother Andy...you have risen to the task of not only being an amazing support as my brother but an amazing role for my boys to love and look up too, making sure to not only make time for your own kids, but also make my boys feel loved and cared for from a Dad's perspective! You are incredible and I love you beyond words! I could never say thank you enough for how you and Nat have supported me and the boys! I know Colin had to have chatted with God about your getting the job and moving here, but i bet you that he is missing the fact that he's not here to enjoy you...please keep him in mind on the golf course and in the dressingroom, k?!

Finally to my Dad, who without any word or second thought has helped us in every way imaginable...from making sure you talked with Colin before he passed away and followed through with each one of his last wishes and still to this day you are keeping to your word to watch over me and the boys! From the work you put in to plan the funeral and take care of everything to get me back on my feet through those first few months, to being a phone call away when i had water leaks in my basement to mowing my lawn and taking care of the garage and maintainance around our house. You have been a pillar of strength and faith and I am SO proud of who you are and to be called your daughter! Thank you for ALL you do and for how you love so intensely...thank you for your heart of wanting the best for your kids and the very best for your grandkids....We are blessed...and i pray God's RISHEST blessings over you in the things HE has for you! Thank you for being the Godly example my boys need to see in a man as they grow and thank you for taking over the wrestling role as they get bigger and hurt me:) From the very depths of my being, thank you!!! I love you more than words! Please forgive me for not being in a celebratory mood this Father's Day, but i promise you...we are SO thankful for you everyday of the year! XOXO

Well this emotion that i have been feeling since about Wednesday has finally emerged and the floodgates have opened...i should stop before my eyes get puffy..there are many pictures to be taken at my little man's graduation tonite, i need to look my best for him!!
To all of the Dad's and to those who so generously fill in the gaps for those who need a Father's Love...THANK YOU! You are loved and you are so much appreciated for the tireless work you do day in and day out, to provide for your families in so many ways...THANK YOU!!
Happy Father's Day!
Love, Melissa

Heartbreak is a powerful thing...but i think the stigma that sticks with having your heart broken is that is always has to be an unbelievably painful experience. I have to disagree. What i have come to realize is that having your heart broken brings me to this amazing place of being desperate for anything i can gain in my relationship with my Jesus. Its sad that it’s those painful points if we so choose to use them for growth are the one’s that bring us to the feet of Jesus...i think that was one of the biggest lessons going through Colin’s battle with cancer and how it broke down every wall of comfort and normalcy...i learned to live in that constant state of desperation for setting my sites on Jesus because nothing else matters. If my eyes are focused, somehow i’m not so surprised at the tough stuff in life. He gives me this ability to weed out what really doesn’t matter and feed me with the life lessons that i need to learn and grow from. No verse in the Bible ever promised an easy ride...there were no promises of things being painless...but we do have thousands of promises that HE is with us, and won’t ever allow us to go through it alone, HE promises to guide and protect us from the dangers of what comes to prey on our broken hearts! I am so thankful that i have a constant safe haven. Somewhere to hide and know that there is a God who cares enough to shield me from the depths of hurt that can accompany that dreaded heartbreak. Now, i’m not so afraid of it anymore...i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!
What an honor it was to be apart of our local Relay 4 Life a few weeks ago...our team was really our family...our closest support system of people who carried us through our cancer battle. It was just so fitting to be there, laughing and talking and reliving old memories when life was just simple and fun! And Oh yes, although some had to go sleep to be functioning parents the next day, we appreciated any time from the one’s we love!!! There were 7 of us that stayed awake the entire nite, and let me tell you, i am remotely young still, but honestly...I am not so cut out for all-niters anymore! I guess that’s what kids to do a person! Hehe! It was this beautiful event that emcompassed celebrating the lives of loved one’s and remembering the most amazing people that we miss so desperately each day! My favourite moments were talking to Colin’s best friends and reliving all of those cool old memories that we had over 10 years ago!
I am the luckiest girl in the world...Well, i choose to see as God’s blessing me with friends whom i’ve had in my life since i was in the early years of grade school...not everyday i get to look around and see all those who are close to me have been close to me since i was young....we are truly family now...those people who dropped their lives and put everything on hold to carry Colin and I and our boys...i will say it till the day i die, i am forever grateful and pray God’s richest blessings over each one!
How cool is it, that my family is completely surrounding me....literally, my parents live a few blocks one way and Andy and Nat a bit more than a few blocks in the other direction. My family is one in a million and i look forward to being able to have a random family BBQ on a warm Sunday nite....i’m full, in every sense of the word...filled to the brim of God’s goodness and mom’s great cooking!
This coming week will be Corban’s last week of Kindergarten and it’s hard to believe summer is here and soon, Grade 1 and full time school will come for my little sweet boy! I pray the time doesn’t pass by too quickly...so i can just soak him in! My little Keegie bear is already ripping up and down the street on his big boy bike with training wheels, not even 3 yet, and he’s following hard in his big brother’s footsteps, has to do everything the big boys do!
Anyhoo, i should go...only have a bit of down time before i will fall asleep standing up if i’m not careful...boy oh boy....boys make u tired, but i guess it is kids in general!
Ok! Happy Sunday or what’s left of it
I won’t let it go this long before i write again!
Love, Melissa

Remebering and Cherishing Precious Moments...

Wow, as i sit here at my computer...a ball of nerves and emotions tumbling all around inside of me. Almost 11 months since Colin was welcomed into his Heavenly home...i'm going through pathways of grief i never expected to come up after this time has passed. Just when i thought i was doing ok, i get knocked back by some wave of intense aching. My poor Corban has been feeling it as well. He had a dream a few nights ago, that Colin hadn't left us at all, everything was perfectly normal. As i heard his cries in the night i went to him and asked what was wrong, he asked me so simply to go get Daddy...to my shock i said "what do you mean?" He was comvinced Colin was asleep in my room, in our bed...and how horrified he looked when i reminded him that Daddy was in Heaven. Needless to say i never really went back to sleep that night...sometimes i just ache for my boys, to have their Daddy here, and other times, i ache for me, for me not have to go into each day waking up alone...Just when i think i'm ok to allow God to let me down to walk holding His hand, i'm begging at His feet for Him to pick me back up where it's safe in His arms. What would i do without that hope, His hope...Where would i be if i didn't have His living breathing word to fill me where that dark black hole tries to comsume...Today is a day for our community to come together to be apart of something so much bigger than ourselves...becoming an extended family of friends and families who have been touched by cancer. Relay 4 Life...this is a day specifically for our family and support system to come together and remember Colin...to celebrate what love and life was like when we were SO incredibly blessed to have Colin be apart of our lives...to have closure of what we went through and walk together for so many still going through their journey's. I just never expected for the level of emotion i would be feeling...it is sure to be a powerful event, something we all won't soon forget...a way to give back.
As i was searching for something encouraging this morning in my Bible, i came across these verses and i just had to smile, because it was as if God Himself was cuddling me close breathing the words into my weary soul...
Romans 8:12-17
So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
This resurrection life you recieved from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance!! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we are certainly going to go through the good times with him!!!

So now, i'm gonna pray like crazy that God can use me, in our speaking tonite and with each person i have the honor of meeting as we walk with so many others!
For those local people, festivities are down in Kin Coulee Park, starting with the Opening Ceremonies at 7pm...there will be all sorts of things going on all nite...we would love for you come down and share in this powerful event!

Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

A Mother's Day Moment...

Weird...I never thought that this day..out of any would hit me as rough but yup...this mother's day was just plain weird...I tell ya, it was nice to sleep in, my parents had the boys for a sleep over (and they woke up SO early for them, i'm so sorry for that), but as i was getting ready for church, in an all too quiet house, it was both a mixture of relaxing and twinges of sadness...usually Sundays were my days to take my time to get ready and feel pretty, and all while i was getting ready upstairs i would hear Colin and the kids with laughter and playing...then when i was all ready, i would come down the stairs and when Colin would see me, he would tell me how beautiful he thought i looked....I miss that, the "coming down the stairs" moments...
But this day, i celebrate my mom whom I have looked up too and admired since i was old enough to appreciate all she has done in our lives. She truly is the SUPER glue that holds us all up and together. She is my rock, the one i tell my everything too, and share all my highs and lows with. It is ONLY her, who can talk me down from worry and fear or laugh with me when i do those "blonde" moments. She is my best friend, and there is not a day that goes by that i don't count my blessings in knowing i have the most amazingly beautiful crowning jewel who is my mom!
I also can't forget to mention that i have so many women, amazing women in my life who have touched me in so many ways, and loved us just by showing me how they mother and how i can be better. These women are my sister in law's and my girlfriends and my mentor's and my family and i thank God for you all today! I pray God's richest blessings on you for shining so brightly your most beautful qualities in being amazing Mom's!
Happy Mother's day!
Love, Melissa

We did it! We did it!!!

Well...we made it out to Winnipeg and back home again all in one piece with amazing memories and the feeling of having some really fun adventures under our belt! Honestly, it couldn't have gone more perfectly! We had a great visit in Regina with family and had a minor hiccup of Keegan having some tummy trouble, so with little sleep and having made a pile of laundry for my poor pregnant sister in law, we started to Winnipeg! I think i heard more than a million "are we there yet, Mommy?!" and "How long till we get there mommy?!"...hehe, but the boys did more than amazingly and we made it there to find sunshine and 22 degrees the entire time we spent in Winnipeg! What a beautiful home my bestest friend Sarah has made for her and her husband and her two precious little girls. The kids played fantastically together and we had the best time just talking and catching up and reliving old memories! My friend Sarah is one of my oldest friends, having been close to me since grade nine...she knew me before i met Colin, and she knew and loved Colin as well and we actually introduced her to her now husband, Darren, whom we went to college at Briercrest with.
We had a busy week of Zoo adventures complete with a picnic in the park and a game of soccer to finish it off...we played in the sandbox and went to the park and even played some ball hockey! After the kids were all tucked in bed each night we would laugh and cry and pick up right where we always leave off, I love my sweet Sarah!
We decided to take a chance and head the entire way home on friday and boy oh boy, did my boys do incredibly! we made it in just under 10 hours and we had a nice quiet down day in the van watching movies and just relaxing a bit! We were greeted home to my sweet parents waiting eagerly to have their fill of cuddles that they missed from a week of not seeing the boys and thankfully they helped carry our load of stuff in for me!
so, we r home, safe and sound and I have to say i'm more confident than i left a week ago, i did it, i took my little family on an adventure we will not soon forget and with God protecting us the whole way, we did it! YEAY!
It's good to be home, but i'm so glad we did it!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Family Road Trip!

Can you believe almost an entire month has gone by?! Time, aside from our ugly weather, has been just going at a crazy pace! It seems each new day brings a busy "to-do" list with it, but it's kind of a welcomed pace! Our basement developments were started back in January or early February are coming along quite nicely, and this week there will be carpet installed! God has blessed me all along the way with little gifts that He's taking care of me...with painting and contracting work and electrical...just His way of saying, you can do it and i'll provide the people to help you! It seems to be a theme this spring...feeling ready to stand strong in who i am as a Mom, and also who i am in Christ. So fittinly, i've decided to take our first road trip, just me and the boys...so i've decided, seeing as one of my bestest friends lives out in Winnipeg and we'd have a blast spending time with her, this would be the perfect destination for a road trip! Now that Keegan and Corban are both talking a mile a minute, i'm sure to have some points of regret along this stretch of highway, but we intend to split the trip half way or there abouts...Colin's younger brother Kris and his wife Jennie live in Regina, where we will be staying overnite and then going the rest of the way the next day! I think this change of pace on this long Easter break will be exactly what we all need! Just to get away and be with great friends!
I think it's a way of proving to myself that i'm more than capable and i'm SO ready to have adventures with my boys! Don't worry i have lots of snacks and movies packed!
So, with that news, we are doing good! The boys are both a joy and an exhausting workload, but i'm trying to enjoy each day, too! They keep me on my toes, that's for sure! We are eagerly awaiting some nicer weather to be able to get out more and just enjoy our yard and hopefully soon, our little inflatable pool! Wishful thinking at this point, but i thought i'd throw it out there! lol
anyhoo, here a little food for thought, literally from 1 Peter 1:3-9 (The Msg.)

"What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father, our Master JEsus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven-and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all-life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggrevation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him-with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation."
Happy Easter!
Love, Melissa

A New Day...

So i think i need to give a 'Thank You' to my Auntie Dawna, who respectfully informed me a few days ago that although she enjoys reading my blog, it was missing the "Me" element! Ok, then it occured to me, a flashback if you will travel with me...to the exact time Colin created this here "blog". We were exhausted from the dozen upon dozens of phone calls and trying to get the word out about what was happening in our world, when Colin's mom suggested we create a blog to have a detailed account straight from the source on all the details. Then we only had to share it once, and whoever wanted to find out could read the facts. I remember sitting down at the computer with Colin, i was sitting on his lap, while he was fussing with the template and the color font and background. Weird. It's so weird how tiny little details come flooding back seeping with so many specific little things that i can remember. It's like it's palpable...i can remember everything that happened in those moments. It's been an entire year since Colin had his relapse, which has affected me in a whole other dimension i never really thought it would. I remember what i was doing when deep down in my heart of hearts, i knew that the cancer was back. Even though it was 2 weeks after that, that we had gotten rediagnosed...The second time around was the most intensely horrific and painful thing i have ever experienced...it's those flashbacks i almost have to choose not to relive, because i find myself spiraling into a tailspin of pain, and it stings more than i want it to. I think it's good though...those memories keep me grounded in the very real fact that all we have is this day in front of us...i need not worry, i don't think i can have that tug-of-war with a God who so perfectly takes care of all of the details in my world with little to no need for me at all! BUT that HE chooses me, little ol' me, He wants to show me His love in each day and use me for His purposes to love so deeply those around me! What an honour! I remember thinking so many days in the hospital how refreshing it would feel to just be able to be a friend, to love with nothing holding me back, those around me! There was nothing i wanted to do more than love the way people were loving us! Now i get to do that, everyday!!!! That is the biggest blessing and God has given in this recovery process~such a gift! I love seeing each day as an open door, endless possibilities, makes me smile with all the adventures that await us!
Anyhoo, i'll see what i think about this new Blog layout, seemed fittingly springy, hope the weather follows suit!
Love Melissa