Keegan's Thoughts...

I am reminded yet again how, at such a young age, my little Keegan has such a profound understanding of our situation. I had to wash his bedding so i switched his pillow case to one of his Daddy's favorite t-shirts (it's Corban's thing, he has to have a t-shirt for a pillow case, just something Colin thought about and wanted them to do to remember him and feel close to him) anyhoo, Keegan sits up just before going to sleep and through his jumbled "just learning" little words, points to the t-shirt and says Daddy?! If you can picture the cutest perflexed look on a 2 year old's face, and then he proceeds to tell me about Daddy being gone, and points to different parts of his face and tells me about Daddy's owies and that he was sick! Then he squeezes his face together and says "cry", mommy, daddy, cry?! WOW...all of this almost 2 whole months after Colin's passing! So i then tried to simply explain that Daddy is not sick anymore, that he's all better in heaven playing with Jesus. But that we will all miss him very much. Needless to say i kinda lost him, but he nodded anyway, probably just to make me feel better. I need to give him more credit with the amount of information he retains these days, he's not a little baby anymore, he my big boy.
So on the coldest day of the week, tonite me and the boys went on a bike ride to Nana and Papa's house and picked them up and we all went for a great little bike ride all around the trails in our neighbourhood...just before getting to the turn where we go up to our new house, Corban wants to take the alley way instead so we had to keep going straight instead of making the turn...Keegan starts to cry and yell, "home, home", because he thinks we're not headed home! aww, again just another example of both how much he know without me really being aware of it, and just how much me and my boys feel home and settled in our new house! God is SO good, and amisdt of our daily reminders that it's just the three of us now, this move and this new routine that we're settling into is good, it's healing, so far i haven't been able to really consciously feel like there is any "healing" taking place. BUT it is, whether i'm aware of it or not, it is and we are just trying to keep our heads up and enjoy each other and our families and friends, and oh what amazing friends and family that are around us! I am still so constantly being reminded that although Colin isn't here, our friends are still so generously taking care of me and the boys, keeping us busy with playdates and suppers and just hangin' out! We have SO much to be SO thankful for!
Corban still has this week off and come next Tuesday, Sept. 7th, he's gonna be a big school boy! I'm secretly glad we still have this week for me to prepare, he's so pumped, but i'm a big ball of nerves, which with every worry, i'm praying them to God to take care of, He's taken care of everything so far, so i'm just gonna keep going with a really great thing!
ok, i'm gonna go muster up some energy to be productive of some kind this evening! Keep warm!
Night!
Luv, Melissa

Sunday Treats!

Oh, your comments are too kind! I love sitting at the computer and scrolling to my blog and reading your encouraging words, cuz it makes me smile....Thank You!
Guess What!??! Today was Sunday #2 that i was able to actually sit in a pew in church and be a sponge to soak up God's word and comfort! YEAY...Most of our summer and well, the past year, has been getting the boys in to their respective Sunday school classes and making sure they are comfortable to stay...usually with me hovering around close by...which is my number 1 priority, but it has been extra special for me to be able to get some time to go into my own "sunday school" and get filled up a bit too....it's been too long and i feel so blessed that me and my boys are settling back into our Sunday Church routine!
i'm sitting here looking at Keegan, his face full of crusted on icing from his Timbits we got after church...that was our thing....every Sunday for a treat after church, Colin and i would take the boys on a Tim's date and get a coffee and Tim Bits to enjoy...i want to keep that little "treat" for me and the boys! Especially on a rainy day like today, what's better than a hot coffee and quiet boys because they are enjoying their "mini donuts" as Corban calls them!
Each day music is a big part of our being at home life...but lately, Corban is not able to listen to anything but up beat tunes....he cries every time he hears a slower song or a worship song...he says he misses daddy...poor lil guy...but i guess i'm just trying to be sensitive to him and we have a good cry and a good talk, so it brings out more communication which i'm grateful for. AND our little Keegie, boy he's gonna be a worshipper, that one! All he wants to do is sit at the computer and sing or "shin" as he calls it....man i have the cutest kids in the world...i guess i'm biased! lol. Well the past few days have been quiet and i love it, last night i actually sat and watched a movie again....i can't even remember the last time i did that! Just getting back to the basics and keepin' life pretty simple, that's been the best thing so far!
ok, i need to go get lunch ready...happy cozy Sunday!
love, Melissa

Sometimes Hard to Read...

Whoa! I have to apologize, that last entry was a little rambled and jumbled together. It must be hard to read my scattered thoughts on this blog...makes me realize what amazing people i have in my life to even take the time out to read my thoughts and experiences at all! So, THANK YOU!

Gettin' Back To Business...

I need to be quick, cuz i just refilled my coffee and i told the boys i would be right back down. They are riding their scooters in the basement, honestly, we've been having so much fun. I finally feel like my boys are back and i have a little bit of me back too, we've all been talking lots and just enjoying each other. Is it just me or did this week fly by? We have been enjoying bike riding and playing at the park this week and just doing a whole lot of nothing....I'm finding it so incredibly refreshing to be a friend again. To whisper more than breath prayers for my friends and family is the most amazing thing. I've had so many people invest their prayers and time and efforts and energy into Colin, the boys and myself over the last year and now...I am finally able to start investing in my friends and really pray not just little prayers when i say i'm going to pray. It feels so good! Being able to have suppers with friends and family and just enjoy the moments fully and completely! Speaking of which, i think we're going to go for a Booster Juice field trip, a date morning with my boys! FUN!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

Night Lights and BIG Dreams...

Man, sleep just isn't coming for me tonite. I keep closing my eyes and having falshbacks to Colin's last hours before he passed away. The last night i spend rushing around at all hours of the night tending to his every needs...giving him injections of pain meds and anti-anxiety stuff to help keep him as comfortable as possible. I'm having a tough time even envisioning how that was me...how was i able to function efficiently when i felt like everyone around me needed something from me...well, i'm actually not quite sure how effective i was, i'll let family and friends decide that for me, but if it wasn't for the beautiful calming Grace of God, i wouldn't have survive it.
As me and the boys were in our van driving today, i was thinking, in the 7 short but so wonderful years Colin and I were married, i'm pretty sure all my dreams came true. I know you're thinking, "such a cliche". Honestly, for as long as i can remember, all i dreamed of was getting out of school, meeting my perfect God-sent husband, who God absolutely delivered and blew me away with Colin! AND getting married and having a family. In my mind, true success and riches was emcompassed in this very simple but so beautiful picture...All i ever wanted to do when i grew up was to be a wife and a mommy, and God granted me all of my dreams. In another breath, i'm left in this weird nothingness...trying to be a fully function parent, and honestly making it my goal in each day not to be so impatient with my boys. Mentally making the choice to smile and find the good that God has blessed us with in each moment. But now my new reality is that i have to start back at the beginning with my dreams....i don't even know what that really means, i'm just trying to figure out who my boys are after all of this, not to mention that i don't really even know who i am anymore! I mean, i know who i am in Christ, and i guess that's all i need to worry about but i know that God desires us to dream BIG dreams and i pray i'll someday feel like i can start to dream again! The day of the funeral, when i was ready to leave and everyone had already gone home, this friend of our family's came to me and hugged me, and she told me she was excited to see what God has in the days ahead, what He has for my future. I keep forgetting that i'm still here to have the future....and it's ok for me to pray that God will bless the future that me and my boys have ahead of us.
I bought myself a night light today...everyone has a crutch, and for my whole life mine has been that i don't like being in the dark alone. When Colin and I got married to remember telling him that i was so excited to be able to go to bed every night for the rest of my life not having to be alone in the dark anymore. Lately with my not sleeping very well, the dark is so deafening and i find myself anxiously awaiting my late night wake ups, having to turn on a light to get myself back to sleep again....so now, i'm proud to say, me and the boys have great night lights in all our rooms, albeit the boys have cooler one's than mine, but if we can all sleep a little more peacefully, what's the harm?! I'm sure not afraid to share my fear, i've shared so much with you all already, you might as well know everything!
ok, now to go up and try it out, hopefully this will be the start of more dreams being born....or maybe someday soon!
Good Night!
Love, Melissa

Long Overdue Good Days!

Wow...i just finished cutting the huggest, juiciest red onion! I'm still crying from it, so forgive me if i make some typo's more so than usual:)
Well, we have been kinda long overdue on having a stretch of good days, and i'm so very thankful to report we are on day #2 of some REALLY good days! Quiet, has been the common theme, no one around just kinda doing our own thing...i've made it my priority to try to spend as much quality and quantity time with Corban, alongside Keegna, haha! It has been a blast! I've notice an immediate change in Corban as well, for the good. Your comments and advice on kids trying to depict their emotions whatever they may be was SO helpful and i so much appreciate and FEEL your prayers with my boys! I'm glad we are havin some good times, the momentum keeps us floating in the tough ones! i've been catching up with a lot of my friends that i haven't been able to spend time with throughout this past year....i'm enjoying being a friend again and hearing and investing in my beauitful friends, since they have spent so much of their time investing in us lately!
I'm entering into this extreme tired phase, or something, i just can't get energy for a whole lot lately, i mean, i'm trying my best with the boys and i'm running around but it takes every fibre in me to keep that pace the whole day till bedtimes! It would help tremendously if i could get some quality sleeping time in, but i think that might be asking for too much right now! I don't want to complain, just kinda checking off on the list of things that are so called "normal" through this process. Normal, such an overrated word, and really i've found it means pretty much nothing...each of us are so unique and our situations are so different, i hate being placed into a box of normal, it's too easy! Whoa, sorry. Just venting my "normal" frustrations:) i'm done now!
Tonight the boys are going to spend some time with my parents while i go hang out with some of our best friends for fondue! I can't wait, should be a good time! I am still trying to get used to the fact that i'm on my own for our "couple" hang out times, but having these people in my life and being supported by them is non-negotiable for me, so they are stuck with "Missy" whether they like it or not! haha
Anyhoo, gotta go have a mean game of Mario Kart with Corban on the Wii!
Talk Soon!
Luv, Melissa

Fork in the Road...

Waking up to no Reverse Osmosis water coming out of the tap this morning as i tried to make my coffee, then rushing downstairs with that sinking feeling, and sure enough stepping onto the basement floor with water puddling through my toes, was not such a relaxing start! It was well after 1030am that i had the kids fed and watered and the "water" situation in the basement all cleaned up. Thanks to my Dad always being, "just a phone call away", we had the plumber called and the problem fixed within the hour. My mom came with the shop vac and together we cleaned up and cleared out the "wet" areas and put the fans on to air everything out. Did you know that this was the first time i've ever had a problem like that?! Even with Colin being around, we had never had anything like that happen to us. What a blessing. As i went around with teh vacuum hose sucking up all the water, i wondered how much "more" was going to happen?! I'm not even going to go there...Breathe, and i did, and it was ok...after we all got dressed and ready and i finally got my great cup of coffee, i found myself at a crossroads to my day...good or bad, my choice, to be honest, that's a powerful choice, one which i wish i don't always have to decide....so, we did what anyone in my position would do. I turned up our favorite mix of music and me and the boys had a nice long fabulous DANCE PARTY! I remember reading somewhere, or maybe not, that dancing works off stress, and stress was the order of the day, so what a GREAT way to destress our morning! We were all laughing and smiling, although i had to choose to put my smile there, all i really felt like doing was going back to bed and laying in a puddle of my own tears, but as each song played, it got easier and i soon didn't have to try so hard anymore! God is GOOD!
"Sigh"..i am at my wits end for my dearest Corban though, i just don't know what it has been lately, but he is just a different kid...something that i've been before in him from time to time, just testing us out and seeing how consistent we still are on the rules....BUT each time in the past, Colin would take him and "talk" with him and it was like he somehow had this magical recipe for getting Corban to "come out" of whatever funk he was in....but now i don't have my sweet Colin to call on for back up, and i'm a little lost on what to do...just trying not to get aggrevated at some of the things he does or says is a battle in itself....i just hate having to do this, with his great big wound still oozing and fresh....i'm overwhelmed and so tired and i know that no one else but me can get him through this....just makes me see how long the road is ahead for our missing "daddy". This sucks...it just plain sucks and i hate living through this, but one thing i read in the first grief book i opened the other day was that God doesn't take away the pain of grief, He grieves with us, and cries with us, it's how God's love really works! "That's why every person who truly deeply share the pain of your grief with you is going God's work!" (Kenneth C. Haugk) How profoud of a statement! How comforting i feel with the blanket of God's love around me! Walking with God hasn't kept us from the pain of the process BUT it has opened us up to such a raw and unfailing, reckless abandon, kind of love....A God who has felt and hurt and been just as broken as we have been through this....HE KNOWS and I am trying not to lose sight that God has some sort of "something" good to bring out of this. Colin was SO precious, and such a rare gift for us all to have shared, but sometimes i forget that God has something for us, the one's who are left here to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess of the aftermath! Oh God, bring fruit from such intense pain, please, i beg of You to keep carrying me, and all of us who are walking this grief together!
By you who encourage, you are being used beyond your wildest dreams to bless me and keep me going through this time....i am FOREVER changed and thankful for your kindness and willingness to be used in that way!
Love, Melissa

Lonely Dayz..

So I kinda feel more like things are getting back to a new normal. We are planning for school shopping for Corban this week and hopefully getting out to take a tour at the school sometime before he starts! Groceries, playdates...you know the normal "life" kind of stuff. It's lonely though...we went for brunch this morning after church and i keep noticing all these couples, not younger, but the one's who have been married for 20 something years....Now i have to start all over again, if i even make it that far....How heartbreaking in Corban's Sunday School class this morning when all the kids were saying that their Daddy's all have bibles and do fun things with them...Corban couldn't say that....not that he even showed it bothered him, but it bothered me to hear it and not hear the same excitment in Corban's voice. Colin was SUCH an incredible Daddy, something i just loved to sit back and watch him do, something we was born to be, a Daddy. I am just so sad today that we don't get to watch him be that "daddy" to our boys anymore. How do others get used to this loss? I sometimes have good days where i think, "ok, we're gonna go this, we're gonna be just fine", then i have overwhelming thoughts of, "we've only just begun, how are we ever gonna make it without him?". This cyclical emotional wave pattern that i am going through is really getting old. I am finding such comfort and peace in being in our new home, being settled and establishing the "3" of us now. I'm getting more and more comfortable with just being "us" on our own. God is good, even Keegan is starting to say his prayers now, i wish Colin could sit and listen to him try to pray with Corban and i now, it's the cutest thing in the whole world! I guess, in this season, Sundays are tough days right now, because Colin and i loved just being the 4 of us, and Sundays were just another perfect excuse to do that, have more family time, and it's just really lonely here without him to be with us on these comfy cozy Sundays....it's the silly little things that get me;) We'll be ok!
On to a new week with lots to do, our days are filling and it's good to stay at least a little busy right now! Ya know? I used to be this "homebody", where you couldn't pay me enough to be busy and running errands, being right in the center of my home and my family was where i wanted to be every second...now i'm finding i just can't do as much of that anymore...it hurts too much to be totally at home all the time, without the 5 o'clock Daddy's home time when he comes in the front door and we all catch up on our days, this fall i am dreading that the most...i completely love being a mommy to my boys, but it's just not the same without my other half, my "better" half! i find i just can't quite enjoy things in the same way i used too! I hope it gets back really really soon!
Luv,
Melissa
p.s. Sorry i'm a downer...kinda feel like more of the "fog" has been lifting lately...guess it's par for the course!

Glass: Half Empty & Half Full!

Having coffee on the deck in the mornings used to be one of those things that Colin and i viewed as getting pretty close to heaven. I mean, just sitting on the loungers, watching the boys play while we talked about dreams and daily duties, we just felt so content and kinda like life couldn't get any better. Don't get me wrong, i still enjoy my coffee every morning, it is my staple of morning activites, but i find myself not really wanting to go out to the deck and have it by myself....it just isn't the same anymore. I pray someday i'll get back to being pretty near heavenly coffee breaks...but athought we have so many blessings around us, being without my sweetie pie is anything but heavenly. At the same time, GOD IS A GOOD GOD, and i'm really trying to enjoy my family and my boys...man, you guys have no idea how much my parents have done over the last month...they took me on their holidays, their time to relax and instead of relaxing, had exhausting adventures at the beach with me and the boys, and then after coming back spent that time helping me pack and move into our new home, then unpacking us and making sure that everything was finished for us to feel settled and at home...i am so thankful for them! There still are those pangs of pain that our loss is still so great....i feel like my thoughts are all mishmashed, and it's not all a constant down in the dumps life that we're living, just the last stretch of days have been hard...sleep or lack there of could have part in the blame. My sister in law, Nat, said i should find a good book and drown myself in some other fictional drama rather than be with my thoughts of our own situation, take a holiday from my mind....i think i'm gonna be on the hunt sooner than later! Time just doesn't stop, each day i wake up, with this sinking feeling like Corban's first day of school is just around the corner, and i have nothing done, and more importantly my mind just isn't able to get there, to be without Colin on this monumental occasion....i so despterately don't want to do it on my own. Especially because all Colin would talk about when planning for treatments was that it be his number one priority to be with Corban on his first day of school. We had it all planned out, i would go with him on the bus to the school, and Colin would follow in the van with Keegan and we would all be there together to hug him and say how very proud we are of him and wish a good first day in class. This is so not the way it should have been, it's not fair, but it's our reality and i can't change it, so i guess i type it out, share it, give it to GOD and plead for HIM to keep on carrying me, apparently i'm still not yet strong enough to stand walk beside HIM yet.
To be honest, on the brighter side of things, i feel like bedtimes and getting the kids settled for the night and having quiet evenings to myself are refreshing and nice right now...kinda the only oppertunity in my days to take some time out to have tea and just be "me" with "me". I can't remember the last time i was able to do just that...so it's not all bad, i am determined to find the "goods" to be thankful for....i know it'll get easier, i guess my impatience gets the best of me right now. Another thing i am extremely thankful for, is that we're settled in our new home before the fall and we can enjoy what's left of our summer together without distractions....i have no regrets in moving and making it a quicker move than some would've liked....it worked, and God was in every inch of it, and so i give Thanks to the ONE who rains those blessings down upon us! It feels so good to be taken care of and God is doing such a great job of prompting people to stop by or call or text or email me and support us...i Can't tell you how good it is to have this support system around us....such a safe place!
I should go, Corban and I have a date to watch CARS while Keegan is napping!
Love, Melissa

Can this Day End Already?!

Ya know those days where you either wish you could just erase it and start all over again, or just completely bipass it altogether...yup, i'm havin' one of "those" days today. Started out with having to make a bunch of phone calls, which aparently gives the boys permission to do things they would normally never dream of getting away with...I had to go to the office to get a paper with a file number and i find Keegan on the floor in front of the fridge with my acidopholis pills trying to get them open to eat them really quickly while i wasn't looking. (Good thing it was only a few steps away!) Then the boys find it that perfect time to start fighting over a skipping rope that i forgot to put away, which they then pulled so tight each holding an end that it flung across the room when Corban let go, and of course, hit keegan along the way....those are just the tip of the ice berg for the morning. I don't even want to think about what they did while i tried to shower super fast! Wow...it was like my parenting didn't even make a dent today, i'm sure so many of you are smiling right now, thinking, "oh man, have i had those days"! At least we're not alone, right?!
Let's just say, i'm glad i'm at the end of this day and we're gonna try again tomorrow for another good day....today has been an "on the verge" day for me missing Colin, as well, which i'm positive didn't help the parenting situation....some of our best friends were doing their yard in sod tonite, a place where Colin and i would have been helping the instant we were given a time to show up...but i couldn't be there, i didn't have a "we" to give any help at all, and it made my heart break, for Colin's best friend, i can just imagine all the fun they would've had..doing the yard together, they always did have such great times together...just those random moments that make me miss him....i made this great recipe tonite for supper that Colin made in the weeks before his passing, he was so hungry and wanting to try new things to cook, and this one hit it out of the park! Don't know why i did that, with this day, didn't help the "missing him" aspect....when it rains it pours, i guess....i just hope the boys decide to have a better "listening" day tomorrow, not sure i'm cut out for another day like today! God knows, He's carrying this load, too, just some days are harder than others:)
I should go, my vanilla tea is done steeping...gonna go see what i can find on TV.
Luv, Melissa

Heavenly Home

I used to be afraid, so afraid of death...when i was little, i remember having a bag packed with my most valuable items placed right by my bed, and i would plan my escape if anything would come in the night that would cause me or my family any harm. I don't think i've ever shared that with anyone before...honestly, i would pray every time i thought about it, "Jesus, please forgive my sins, please save me from death". I just had this fear of what death was, and what it meant. I would never be with my family again, never say i love you to my most dearest friends and people whom i love. I would never grow up and get married and have babies of my own...all i wanted was to get out of school and be an adult and find the man of my dreams and have him whisk me off into the sunset of forever and then life would REALLY begin! You wanna know what? It happened and my life kicked into high gear when it did. Everyone around us told us time would keep getting faster as we got older, but i never really thought it applied to me and Colin. Safe and so in love and happy in our little cacoon of our life together. We had so much fun....fun doing absolutely nothing, but we were best friends and we just so honestly enjoyed being with each other, it just never got old, car washes, groceries, trips to Totem for random things and popcorn for the kids...only this past year did i have to start going to get groceries on my own....up to this point in our married life we just always did it together, weird eh!? I'm so missing everything about our beautiful little life together....BUT i am forever changed on how i view death and dieing! Changed for the better...it still isn't really real for me to think of only weeks ago, an entire month actually....that i was beside my husband in bed while he passed away. Something that once terrified me to no end, was now this strange peaceful resting place to bring comfort, restoration and healing....healing for Colin is the best part...healing for me and our families and friends, now that's the part that isn't so fun. I pray God's protection in our grief, it's the most painful place i've ever had to be, and i thought the last year with all that we went through was the toughest, but nothing beats having to pick up these scattered pieces of life and try to put it back together with such a huge hole missing from the center of it. i think i'm still in shock that any of this at all has happened...just this aweful dream, ya know the one's where you wake up and think, "man, thank goodness that was just a dream!".
Then there are times like last night, where when my parents left in the early evening, Corban, Keegan and i had the most amazing time, cuddling on the couch which turned into a wrestling/tickling match...then we went to the basement and played hockey/soccer/basketball all within the course of an hour and then came back upstairs where we made popcorn and watched cartoons and then i put each of them to bed and felt truely blessed for these amazing gifts that i have been given, in the wake of what's happened, it just feels weird to feel blessed....like i can't really enjoy the good things in life because Colin's not here to make it that much better with us....BUT my kids don't desrve that...they need true happiness and Corban and i are learning to have "thankful..happy hearts" ALL the time...it's a lesson not just kids need to come back too! I have a thankful heart in these early morning hours, because i have a hope that proceeds this life, and i don't ever have to fear death, for when it comes, my home will way beyond my wildest expectations! All thanks to a God who gave up HIS only son, so no one else would have to suffer that way again! Now i can go to sleep, not having to pack a bag or plan my escape, just trusting and knowing that with God carrying me, i have nothing to be afraid of at all!

A Day to Smile!

WHEW!! what a whirlwind the past few days have been! But we're in!!! We have moved into our beautiful new home and it's really, already, starting to feel just that, like HOME!!!! i never knew how cool it could be for everything to have a place, to be put away!!! It's amazing and Corban and Keegan and I love it very much....we count it the most amazing blessing God could give us right now. It's so cool how even in a new space, Colin's fingerprints are everywhere. We were sitting outside today while Dad was working in our new yard, building a space for the garden and the play area, i was looking at our sweet boys drinking and laying together on a chair...Corban just looks so much like his Daddy, each day i notice it more and more. I love it, i love having that little mirror image of such a handsome man in my boys! Today was another productive day at getting things out of boxes and into their respective places and just filling in the cracks of things that we needed to do. I already feel so excited to make this more of a home! It's made us all smile so much these last few days....i look at not what i'm leaving behind in our precious first home, but what we are taking with us and continuing to build in this gorgeous new home! (well, new to us!)
Anyways, i wanted to just post something quickly, i have some more to do before i head to bed, so i should go...but today is a day to smile, and i'm enjoying each and every one of them as well as the smiles on the faces of my boys! A good day had by all!
Much Love!
Melissa

Protect My Hurting Heart.

To be honest, today has been a day that i have been dreading since Colin passed away. Today waking up, i just needed to ask for strength to get through this day as fast as possible. Our 7th Anniversary...we didn't quite make it, but i count it 7 of the most wonderful years filled with so much love and happiness. How incredibly lucky i am to have had my true love for those years. I have never met a man who had more patience and love than Colin. How he was as husband and a daddy, just blew me away that someone would be so constant and unchanging in those things, one of the most precious things to me, one of many reasons why i married him, his patience...and how he loved so strongly by being so patient. My heart hurts so bad...it was easier to keep busy all day, but i found myself being unpleasantly impatient with our boys...it makes me so sad, because i can hear Colin's words to me, just breathe, sweetie, it's ok. It's not ok, he's gone....what i wouldn't give to have just one more hour with him, to see him smile so big and beautiful....to hear his one in a million laugh and the sound of him when he got excited playing with the boys. Tears, healing tears are streaming down my face....i wish i could have one more date night...one more time that i could hold his hand or give him a kiss. I wish i could have gotten to go and meet Jesus with him, how amazing of a time he must be having there in heaven, whole....i kept making sure that in the days before he passed that he would make sure if he saw Jesus that he would come and get me, and try to explain to me, if he could, what it was like....All he was able to do was yell for me and say that he saw Jesus and that He was hugging him, so tightly and it wasn't stopping....i feel that too, just not in the same way i'm sure.
I have this aweful feeling of homesickness that won't go away...I want for just a moment for things to go back to the 4 of us. For one more walk to the park, one more lunch or supper out at Subway...one more cuddle night watching cartoons before the boys go to bed. "With every song and every breath, i will do it Praising You, When i must fight with all that's left, I will do it Praising You..." those words i am bathing in now as i type listening to some of our favorite worship music. One song by Kerri Roberts called "No Matter What". It is the most fitting song for me in our situation, there is one line that says, "before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through YOUR Hands.." I have never thought of this before i heard that verse, and i believe so strongly this is what God is doing in my life...HE is controlling the level of my aching heart, and HE is making sure that I can still go on, as long as i'm trusting and needing and loving HIM!!! I have nothing in me but Praise for a loving God who would care to protect me from this kind of pain! As for my thoughts, i have no more words, i just need to take some "me" time, in the quiet that surrounds me, it's not bad, it's kinda nice, healing in it's own way....Thanks for listening to me ramble, i seem to do it alot!
Love, Melissa

Switching Gears..

HOME SWEET HOME... to Medicine Hat...oh what a great holiday it was! We stayed at two very beautiful bed and breakfasts and spent the days lazing around the beach with the Ziegenhagel Clan who camp at Pierre's Point each summer! What great medicine and just what i needed to switch gears back into a "mommy" role. It's been a long time, or so it feels and i have forgotten what it feels like to kick back and be carefree with our boys! Corban tried water skiing and both boys were on a little beginner ski trainer, oh yes, even Keegan, being pulled behind the boat!! I have water babies!!! i'm surprised their skin isn't falling off right now for how much they were in the water the last 6 days! What precious time to get away, but oh the heart ache i felt while we were there....i spent a lot of time in thought about how much fun Colin would've had with the boys, and me:) I was thrilled to see the boys so involved with the boat and trying new things, but i was equally heart-broken that i was alone in my joy for them both....i know we had family and friends around, but no one can fill that void that Colin filled, i wish so much they could, but they can't....
On our drive home tonite we drove through Calgary on 16th Ave, and my heart just about stopped when we passed Foothills Hospital....such saddness for a journey that feels like an eternity has passed between us...but oddly feels like it's as fresh as yesturday that we walked out for the last time never to return....God knows, the turmoil in joy and sorrow....Keegan found it that time to start calling out "daddy, daddy?" He was upset in wanting to know where his daddy has been and why he is not coming back and i just had no words to offer, only to try to hold back a tidal wave of emotion for fear Corban would follow if i let it go....Corban just simply tried to explain to him that Daddy was gone to heaven and he was not ever coming back...although so sweet and simple words to show his understanding....they cut like a knife for me....like it was news to me all over again....Holidays are over, and we are back to the reality that Colin/Daddy is gone and we miss him so much....oh wow, we are missing him so much!
One thing me and the boys are looking forward too, is being settled and moving into our new home, and making it just that...our home...taking each and every precious memory of our dearest Colin with us...I have such a precious peace going through this and i feel like this is a breath of fresh air that me and the boys need for a fresh start.
As for now, i desperately need my bed...sleep was not a strong point for the boys on this trip, so now we will play catch up with all that we missed...thankfully the fun was pretty much never-ending so sleep didn't have to be too much of a priority, i hope we can get caught up now that we're back home!
I will be in touch, but sleep is now calling my name:)
Sweet Dreams!
Luv, Melissa