Monday, May 24, 2010

Just one of those days!

Being "in limbo" is the most difficult aspect of this journey. Colin and I are honestly having a really difficult time of things, trying to be ok with having absolutely no answers...knowing nothing about what comes next and in turn trying to cling to our God giving up total control over our situation, without "giving up" on our situation. Colin is so lonesome for our little family, to be around the boys, he misses them so much. This round has been so hard, he's been in such discomfort with his physical symptoms, not wanting the kids to see him like that, but still wanting more than anything to have them around, to not have to be in the hospital. Honestly, this is all getting so "old", we are exhausted of having to go through all of this, and we are trying not to get defeated by our reality, but we have nothing tangible to work toward, to look forward too. I guess we are trying with everything we have to remove ourselves from all of this unsettling mess, and rest in the Almighty Arms of God, to be content and go against everything human to relinquish our need to control and just "let go and let God take it". See, this concept is so much easier said than done. That's the frustrating part...Colin is seeing results in his headaches going away and nasuea, BUT, this is only because they have put him back on his steroid to keep him comfortable....That's the tough part...nothing is going away, just being kept "at bay", and everyday we wait for something, and as of now, we have nothing. Nothing but the unsettling facts....unless medicated, Colin is in constant pain, this has been the common denominator since this started in March. I am frustrated, so i can't begin to imagine Colin's frustration in it all. All Colin can focus on right now, literally because of his blurried, double vision, is listening to his worship music...he will never give up, but it's still a constant struggle to get up everyday with something to look forward too. We are hoping that he'll be able to get home, at least for a week, before the next round, but the Doc's are tentative to let him out of their sight with new unexplained symptoms poping up each time we go. He needs to get home, i explained that to the Doc's today, he will honestly go crazy here if he has to stay. I think they realize that and i'm sure he'll be able to come home for a bit. Not long enough....I am so envious of "normal", that beautiful place of waking up together and spending the day with my boys, and having Colin come home from work and have supper together and spend a quiet evening at home, all going to bed under one roof. I am working hard to change the way i pray, giving PRAISE and GLORY to GOD with each request, each thought, it honestly changes a person, to refocus the way i come to God in prayer, teaches me to see those teenie tiny blessings, even in this dark hole.
We are just being honest, Colin is right here with me, giving me thoughts as i type, so this is what is going on with us today, this is what is in our hearts to share, we have good days and bad days, this evening, the boys are coming up to visit, some SUNSHINE to our day....we are so thankful for that!
I honestly don't know what else to say, but thank you for hearing our hearts and our hurts....
Luv, Melissa and Colin


  1. HOPE = Hang On, Praying Expectantly (Pastor Mark on Sunday). I'm sure I write for MANY of us when I say, I don't have a clue HOW to pray for you. BUT the Spirit does! He interprets our hearts to God, with moanings too deep for us to understand. Hang on to that Old Rugged Cross!! Thank you for sharing your hearts and hurts. I hurt along with you and lift you high!

  2. I'm praying that you will both be able to rest in God's loving presence like your boys rest against you. You are so right that it's easier said than done. It's hard, so very hard. God gives strength to the weary, strength for today, for this moment and then for the next. May you be carried and soothed in God's strong and always loving arms.

    We're also praying for wisdom for the doctors, and for Colin's symptoms to ease, and for treatment to be effective. I think that waiting in limbo is one of the very hardest places to remain and to trust. We crave answers and when they don't come, anxiety moves in.

    much love,
    A. Lorrie

  3. Hi , my name is Lisa, I am a cousin of Brenda Toews, Reg Toews wife. I hope that you do not mind me writing you a short little note to say you are in my thoughts and prayers, that wisdom and strength will be with you, and your family,hugs

  4. We pray for you often Colin and Melissa! And, shall ask the Lord to give you some "normal days!" May He continue to hold you close in His loving arms! Joan and Larry