Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm coming to you today from Colin's hospital room in Calgary. It is good that i got to come up...initially this was just going to be a short trip up to have our Bone Marrow Transplant meeting and then we would be packed and ready to bring Colin back home, but that is not the case. Although he was here for treatment...chemo was pushed back until saturday because of Colin's worsening nerve symptoms as well as his low blood counts. So today he is mostly the same, nerve wise. He has significant muscle weakness in both sides of his face, as well as some double vision in his right eye. We have been told as of today that the Doc's feel it is due to the intensity of chemo done to his spinal fluid and is causing a decrease in spinal fluid pressure. The fix is to stop treating the spine....meaning his body is showing weakening due to such intense treatment in such a short amount of time.
Today we come to you with such a heaviness. Our meeting with our transplant Doc was not one that we really wanted to face. It's almost easier not knowing sometimes, we have been told that the way to go is with a Donor transplant BUT, what we weren't expecting is all of the intense chemo and radiation that Colin will have to withstand FIRST. Not to mention the risks and chance for rejection and infection afterwards. Our answer is not clear cut, i guess nothing throughout this journey ever has been clear cut, but God has guided, and we are confident that He will lead us again. Today we are incredibly overwhelmed, first at the life altering decision we have to make, but also at the lengthy process ahead....we are so far from the finish, and we just want to be finished so bad. The reason this is not such a cut and dry, black and white decision is because if we choose not to go through with transplant, we risk relapse, which is very likely to happen and each time it will be more difficult to treat, but if we go through with transplant we not only still risk relapse(which is more minimal) but also damage to Colin's body in so many ways from all of the pre-transplant treatment. There are even risks that ultimately could effect his quality of life for the rest of his life. What i do need to add is that we did find out today that Colin's little brother Kris is indeed a donor match for him, PRAISE GOD....we really weren't expecting any of his siblings to be a match so if we do decide to go through with transplant, it makes it easier to get the ball rolling.
We have in no way even begun to decide today, what we need first is to seek our God for guidence and wisdom and pray for HIS clarity and peace and prompting for what to do.
What we ask of you who are reading this is to pray, please pray for us to have strength to make this decision, that whatever Colin and I choose, we will have our answer from God, Himself. Pray especially for Colin. He is so tired, tired of dealing with the annoyance of this nerve weakness. It makes it hard to talk, eat, see, etc....not something he needs to be dealing with on top of these decisions for his future. Pray that I can have strength to support and help him process, and that together we can be confident in an outcome to all of this.
Thank you for helping us piece through this burden, we would not be getting through this without your prayers....God is good ALL the time, i am just repeating this constantly today, i pray it will keep sinking into our spirits.
I will keep you posted on the decision making process and all the rest in between.
Luv, Melissa
my eyes are crossing as i reread this entry, i hope it makes sense to you to read....i am sorry, too many tears today....


  1. Our hearts are heavy with yours, and we continue to lift you all up before the Great Healer and our Sovereign God.

  2. Hi you remember me? I've been following your blog and praying for you and your family. All I can say is I will keep praying for you and hope that you remember there is not a single moment that you are alone. God is with you every step of the way and if it gets too heavy He will carry you. Love & Prayers, Elayne Goertzen

  3. Dear Missy and Colin:
    Just wanted you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers as alway's....Our hearts are heavy at the new news but we agree with what has been said in that Our Heavenly Father will carry you and we pray that you will feel his arms of love surrounding you and upholding you even as you read this and make decisions...You both are very precious to many of us and prayers are going up across this country for our dear Colin...Please know you are loved...
    Valinda, Mom and Dad Heller

  4. Dear Colin and Missy:

    I believe God gave you His guidance and wisdom when he sent you a 100% match in Kris; as you both said yourself, you didn't expect to have a match in the family, and believe me this is a HUGE gift from God. God is giving you a chance; please don't deny this gift from God. I think that God feels that Colin has a lot more to accomplish in this life, so He sent you Kris. God gave the world and His people the technology and these great doctors who He knows will help you to survive this dreadful disease. The treatment/transplant/recovery in Calgary, is just a spec of time in the grand scheme of things; you will have a lifetime to fullfill your dreams and to be with Melissa and the boys.

    I love you!!!

    Aunt Debbie

  5. Dear Colin & Missy:

    What a huge decision you both have to make.

    I believe that God has given His guidance by sending you a 100% match in Kris.

    I believe God has given His wisdom in creating the technology that is available to all of us, that will help to heal you so that you will be with your family for years and years to come. This may be a longer process than you would like, regarding treatment/transplant/recovery, BUT in the grand scheme of things, this is just a spec in time.

    Just think of the incredible gift of knowledge that God has given this great team of doctors who unfortunately deal with this every day; maybe this is the direction that God wants you to take.

    This is so hard; I can`t imagine what must be going through your minds. You are in my thought and prayers!! I love you!!

    Aunt Debbie

  6. "In suffering love, the thread of life is woven through our care. For God is with us, not alone our pain and anguish we bear."

    The hymn "In Suffering Love" is one of my all time favourites, because its words remind us again and again that God will never forsake or forget us. Remember Isaiah 49: 15-16? God himself has inscribed your name on the palm of his hand. This situation seems terribly hard and we are moved with compassion at the depth of your struggle, but this cancer and its treatment is not too difficult for God to work in the midst of. No suffering is too much for his healing. No agony can surpass the cross, and there he took it all - consumed all the brokenness and pain of humanity, willingly taking it upon himself. Keep clinging to Jesus, he is faithful, and he is risen, and we can cry out to heaven together on Colin's behalf and know that our high priest understands our plea, and knows exactly what emotional and physical suffering is like.

    Lisa and Jeff