I'm coming to you today from Colin's hospital room in Calgary. It is good that i got to come up...initially this was just going to be a short trip up to have our Bone Marrow Transplant meeting and then we would be packed and ready to bring Colin back home, but that is not the case. Although he was here for treatment...chemo was pushed back until saturday because of Colin's worsening nerve symptoms as well as his low blood counts. So today he is mostly the same, nerve wise. He has significant muscle weakness in both sides of his face, as well as some double vision in his right eye. We have been told as of today that the Doc's feel it is due to the intensity of chemo done to his spinal fluid and is causing a decrease in spinal fluid pressure. The fix is to stop treating the spine....meaning his body is showing weakening due to such intense treatment in such a short amount of time.
Today we come to you with such a heaviness. Our meeting with our transplant Doc was not one that we really wanted to face. It's almost easier not knowing sometimes, we have been told that the way to go is with a Donor transplant BUT, what we weren't expecting is all of the intense chemo and radiation that Colin will have to withstand FIRST. Not to mention the risks and chance for rejection and infection afterwards. Our answer is not clear cut, i guess nothing throughout this journey ever has been clear cut, but God has guided, and we are confident that He will lead us again. Today we are incredibly overwhelmed, first at the life altering decision we have to make, but also at the lengthy process ahead....we are so far from the finish, and we just want to be finished so bad. The reason this is not such a cut and dry, black and white decision is because if we choose not to go through with transplant, we risk relapse, which is very likely to happen and each time it will be more difficult to treat, but if we go through with transplant we not only still risk relapse(which is more minimal) but also damage to Colin's body in so many ways from all of the pre-transplant treatment. There are even risks that ultimately could effect his quality of life for the rest of his life. What i do need to add is that we did find out today that Colin's little brother Kris is indeed a donor match for him, PRAISE GOD....we really weren't expecting any of his siblings to be a match so if we do decide to go through with transplant, it makes it easier to get the ball rolling.
We have in no way even begun to decide today, what we need first is to seek our God for guidence and wisdom and pray for HIS clarity and peace and prompting for what to do.
What we ask of you who are reading this is to pray, please pray for us to have strength to make this decision, that whatever Colin and I choose, we will have our answer from God, Himself. Pray especially for Colin. He is so tired, tired of dealing with the annoyance of this nerve weakness. It makes it hard to talk, eat, see, etc....not something he needs to be dealing with on top of these decisions for his future. Pray that I can have strength to support and help him process, and that together we can be confident in an outcome to all of this.
Thank you for helping us piece through this burden, we would not be getting through this without your prayers....God is good ALL the time, i am just repeating this constantly today, i pray it will keep sinking into our spirits.
I will keep you posted on the decision making process and all the rest in between.
Luv, Melissa
my eyes are crossing as i reread this entry, i hope it makes sense to you to read....i am sorry, too many tears today....