A Moment We Were Never Prepared For...

I have always dreaded this post, or ever having to write a post like i will this evening....Tonite we are home, i know it's Thursday, and treatments go until friday. We recieved news back yesturday that more lymphoma has come back in Colin's spinal fluid, more than 77% is full of the cancer again. It is with incerdibly heavy hearts that the Doc's told us there was no need to go any further with any more treatments. It comes to a point when enough is enough, and all Colin wanted more than anything in the world was to come home and be with our boys.
At the beginning of August 2009 when Colin first came up, he made such a mark on the medical staff, his bravery and calm amidst so much pain just blew them away and his soft spirit and gentle smile spoke to so many of what a loving and caring man of God he is. In their history, they have no record of having a patient with Burkitt's Lymphoma grow resistant to treatment. They were so burdened and sad for us, with what was supposed to be such a full life ahead of us...we are now faced with a number of weeks before things get really bad. Today we took care of our legal lose ends and tomorrow we meet to make funeral arrangements. More than anything we want Colin to speak his final wishes and then record them, so we can put it to rest for as long as we go on living. All of us know our days are numbered, but nothing is worse than hearing a Doctor tell you, you have a matter of weeks to make a lifetime of happy memories to hold on too. Each day Colin deteriorates....The scary part of Burkitt's Lymphoma is how fast growing it is, and she did say that he would lose his cognitive abilities and have much pain in his last days...I don't anything could have prepared us for this kind of news, we drove home this morning and it was the most emotionally taxing drive we've ever done. Talking about everything we both wanted to say to each other and crying because we couldn't possibly have this limited amount of time to share together. To be honest, it comes in waves...this is such inchartered territory for all involved, friends, family, loved ones. More than anything we want to be real and not have a huge elephant in the room that the end is near....we talk, we cry, we hug, we laugh and we hug a while longer. We don't know how to do this...another steep learning curve to say the least....unfortunately this is the one aspect of life, we can't really get an easy way out of. Don't misunderstand...Colin is very much at peace with death, he knows Jesus is waiting for him, and to be honest i'm a little jealous we can't meet Him together! There is so much pain in grieving a loss before it even happens....Constantly wondering if this day was the last we would be able to just sit and talk, or for him to tell me that he loves me....i feel robbed of enjoying him fully, his smile, his mischiveous expressions, his hugs and kisses. Nothing is how it should be right now, honestly it's not fair, BUT God is still in control, HE is still here with us carrying us through another open door. We are relieved to be at home, Colin is already SO much better in his own space around the boys, fun and laughter....the boys don't know anything, the adults are doing our best to keep our composure...Colin and I are praying God will give us the right timing with the right words to explain to Corban what is happening, right now, all he know is that we're home and that we don't have to back up to Calgary anymore, that's all he needs to know right now.
My thoughts are so scattered, as i think of things, i type them. Doc's are never right on their time estimations, but please pray that our family has some great times, enough to make some incredible memories, enough for us all to hold on too for our lifetime....Please pray for God's strength for each loved one and for appropriate closure to be felt by all involved who love Colin. It's overwhelming to say the least, and i find myself on teh verge of just yelling for someone to take us away to hide from this whole mess, just make it all go away. But that's not how life works. I don't have control over Colin's days, i was so very to have had him for 10 of the most amazingly wonderful year of my adult life, my one true love, my best friend and my most valuable treasure. Each day i have known him, i am in awe of his patience and kindness towards me and our boys...such a teacher and my fear is that can't possibly raise our kids without him, or go through this life without sharing each day with him. Oh God, there are no words, I know YOU, God are here, please send more peace, please take care of the details that seem to look like mountains. Our God is SO good, We have not one regret, our journey has made us different people, better people....I have such an intimate understanding of how God desires HIS Body of Christ to operate, and i have never in my life been so grateful and felt so safe to be apart of that! You have been the Hands and Feet of Christ, and your prayers and support are carrying us right now....Praise God today that we could come home, and that Colin could give the boys hugs and kisses and cuddles, and that we could all join and eat a really yummy supper together....Oh yes my friends, God is still SO SO incerdibly good!
I promise we will navigate through these rough waters together, i will update on tomorrow.....
Luv, Melissa