Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Moment We Were Never Prepared For...

I have always dreaded this post, or ever having to write a post like i will this evening....Tonite we are home, i know it's Thursday, and treatments go until friday. We recieved news back yesturday that more lymphoma has come back in Colin's spinal fluid, more than 77% is full of the cancer again. It is with incerdibly heavy hearts that the Doc's told us there was no need to go any further with any more treatments. It comes to a point when enough is enough, and all Colin wanted more than anything in the world was to come home and be with our boys.
At the beginning of August 2009 when Colin first came up, he made such a mark on the medical staff, his bravery and calm amidst so much pain just blew them away and his soft spirit and gentle smile spoke to so many of what a loving and caring man of God he is. In their history, they have no record of having a patient with Burkitt's Lymphoma grow resistant to treatment. They were so burdened and sad for us, with what was supposed to be such a full life ahead of us...we are now faced with a number of weeks before things get really bad. Today we took care of our legal lose ends and tomorrow we meet to make funeral arrangements. More than anything we want Colin to speak his final wishes and then record them, so we can put it to rest for as long as we go on living. All of us know our days are numbered, but nothing is worse than hearing a Doctor tell you, you have a matter of weeks to make a lifetime of happy memories to hold on too. Each day Colin deteriorates....The scary part of Burkitt's Lymphoma is how fast growing it is, and she did say that he would lose his cognitive abilities and have much pain in his last days...I don't anything could have prepared us for this kind of news, we drove home this morning and it was the most emotionally taxing drive we've ever done. Talking about everything we both wanted to say to each other and crying because we couldn't possibly have this limited amount of time to share together. To be honest, it comes in waves...this is such inchartered territory for all involved, friends, family, loved ones. More than anything we want to be real and not have a huge elephant in the room that the end is near....we talk, we cry, we hug, we laugh and we hug a while longer. We don't know how to do this...another steep learning curve to say the least....unfortunately this is the one aspect of life, we can't really get an easy way out of. Don't misunderstand...Colin is very much at peace with death, he knows Jesus is waiting for him, and to be honest i'm a little jealous we can't meet Him together! There is so much pain in grieving a loss before it even happens....Constantly wondering if this day was the last we would be able to just sit and talk, or for him to tell me that he loves me....i feel robbed of enjoying him fully, his smile, his mischiveous expressions, his hugs and kisses. Nothing is how it should be right now, honestly it's not fair, BUT God is still in control, HE is still here with us carrying us through another open door. We are relieved to be at home, Colin is already SO much better in his own space around the boys, fun and laughter....the boys don't know anything, the adults are doing our best to keep our composure...Colin and I are praying God will give us the right timing with the right words to explain to Corban what is happening, right now, all he know is that we're home and that we don't have to back up to Calgary anymore, that's all he needs to know right now.
My thoughts are so scattered, as i think of things, i type them. Doc's are never right on their time estimations, but please pray that our family has some great times, enough to make some incredible memories, enough for us all to hold on too for our lifetime....Please pray for God's strength for each loved one and for appropriate closure to be felt by all involved who love Colin. It's overwhelming to say the least, and i find myself on teh verge of just yelling for someone to take us away to hide from this whole mess, just make it all go away. But that's not how life works. I don't have control over Colin's days, i was so very to have had him for 10 of the most amazingly wonderful year of my adult life, my one true love, my best friend and my most valuable treasure. Each day i have known him, i am in awe of his patience and kindness towards me and our boys...such a teacher and my fear is that can't possibly raise our kids without him, or go through this life without sharing each day with him. Oh God, there are no words, I know YOU, God are here, please send more peace, please take care of the details that seem to look like mountains. Our God is SO good, We have not one regret, our journey has made us different people, better people....I have such an intimate understanding of how God desires HIS Body of Christ to operate, and i have never in my life been so grateful and felt so safe to be apart of that! You have been the Hands and Feet of Christ, and your prayers and support are carrying us right now....Praise God today that we could come home, and that Colin could give the boys hugs and kisses and cuddles, and that we could all join and eat a really yummy supper together....Oh yes my friends, God is still SO SO incerdibly good!
I promise we will navigate through these rough waters together, i will update on tomorrow.....
Luv, Melissa

33 comments:

  1. Oh I'm so sorry. Words cannot express how sick I feel for you and your family. We are continuing to pray for you.
    Oh, Lord Jesus. We don't understand why these things happen to your children. We don't understand why you've allowed Melissa & Colin to walk through this terrible journey. But we praise you because you are carrying them right now and will continue to carry them. Please, God, give them peace and wisdom in how to explain this horrible thing to such young ears. Please bless them with unspeakable joy in the coming weeks. Wrap your arms around them please, Lord God.
    Amen.
    Please, please, let us know if there is anything at all we can help with... Meals, cleaning your home so you can spend your time just enjoying each other. We will be there in the blink of an eye.
    Continuing to pray.
    Beckie Muirhead

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  2. Melissa and Colin
    My heart breaks for you with this news, but I pray strength,peace and joy for you in the coming days.May God give you comfort and may your continue to feel his love in each moment ahead. We will continue to pray for a miracle.
    Love
    Denise

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  3. I want to say something, but I literally have no words. I'm going to call you as soon as possible.

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  4. May all our warriors pray for one of God's soldiers....You are my prayers Collin as you helped me so much in the time I spent with you.
    Smallz

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  5. We are praying for both of you and your children.
    Ryan & Andrea Reinheller

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  6. Our hearts are incredibly broken for you. We will continue to pray for you & your family on this next part of the journey. May you feel God's peace now more than ever & trust him with each moment.
    With much prayer & love,
    Benj & Kristen Lawson

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  7. There are no words... We are still praying for you everyday, all the time.
    Alison Van Dyke

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  8. Burritt and Missy,
    I just read today's blog with tears in my eyes, not knowing anything previously about your battle.

    That is a tough, tough cup the Lord has given you to drink. know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and just from reading this one blog so far, am strenghened from your faith and trust no matter what He gives you. Thank you for that example,

    Vandy

    "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him"

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  9. This is really tough news and Collin, I want you to know you, your family and your doctors are in my prayers! I love you man and I will always cherish our memories on the ice with practices and games and more impoprtantly off the ice on our trip and seeing you grow.

    Miracles happen without a doubt and I hope to see you again to say this in person. Missy, you are a strong woman and I know God is going to bless even more than He has already!


    I love you guys and whatever road lies ahead, make sure to smile because eventually you are going to see our Creator!

    Love Hench!!

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  10. What an incredible witness and inspiration you have been to all of us. When my husband passed away God gave me a short vision where I heard Lorne as he entered heaven....the joy was something that I have never experienced...unattainable here on earth. It is what has allowed me to heal in this last year and a half. It is what gets me up in the morning....knowing he is with the Lord. I love and respect you guys so much. We don't understand and so we have to choose and I am so glad each day you choose to trust in the midst of all this pain that God is good. He will carry you and give you peace. Words seem so trite in the midst of all this. I am thinking and praying for you. Love, Yvonne Kreiser

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  11. From picking you up at the airport in Regina as a skinny high school graduate ready to take on the college hockey beasts, through summer hockey camps across western Canada, and well on into your marriage and family.... you have always proven to be a guy whose faith trumped evil with your smile... whose courage has beaten back your adversaries... and whose faith has encouraged others. Colin and Missy it is now our turn to stand in faith in the gap for you and pray... for us to be courageous and hold you up.... and find joy at the work the Lord has done in you and will continue to do!
    Love you guys
    Barret Bridget and the boys

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  12. Our hearts are heavy and our prayers are with you in this most difficult time. Your love and faith is the glue that holds life together and memories will carry on when peace is finally with Colin in his journey. Sadness can not be fully expressed by words but know that our thoughts are with you all during your travels. Your strength is so admired and your faith is unwaving that God truly does hold all of you in his hands.
    Jim

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  13. Praying for you all...

    ~Jon and Erin Coote

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  14. I am so sorry to hear this news Colin and Missy. My thoughts are with you as always. I hope that every moment together brings you joy. Colin, YOU are the epitome of cool, I'll never forget that. (Do you remember?).

    Nicki

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  15. Praying for you all. Melissa, you are such a wonderful wife and mommy. We pray that God gives you strength.
    Dale and Linda Engel

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  16. Colin and Missy,

    It came as a massive shock to read this today, as I was unaware of your previous battle... We will be praying earnestly for you and your family and trust that God's goodness with bring you comfort in your distress. Colin, you're a good man, your strength is amazing and your faith is an encouragement.
    We will be praying for your family.
    Tyler & Rae Crawford

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  17. Colin and Melissa! You and your family will continue to be very much in our prayers! And, we will continue to ask the Lord to carry you and hold you close and to give you many, many precious memory making moments and days ahead as a couple and as a family! Sending you huge, huge hugs - Larry and Joan Ballantyne

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  18. Words just seem inadequate at a time like this. Our hearts break for you, it just doesn't make sense. We will continue to remember you in our prayers. May you feel the arms of God and his people embracing and upholding you.
    Love Mel and Carolynn Snyder

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  19. My heart is breaking for you and your struggles...I have been constantly encouraged by how strong in the Lord you both have been through this all. I pray that you will be held up, touched by God and make the most of every day that you can.
    Christa Enns

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  20. I am police wife and been following you story....my heart aches so much for you. This is truly unfair and not how he deserves to spend his last days, and for him to have to leave you so quickly. I wish peace for your family and that your boys know how strong he is. The police all thinking and praying for you.

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  21. I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous: "The Lord's right hand has done mighty things! The Lord's right hand is lifted high; the Lord's right hand has done mighty things!" I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
    Ps 118:17. I LOVE YOU. I pray and stand in faith for you and with you and against all opposition, I still stand and believe. Believing for His peace, His strength, His Victory, His Salvation to be yours! I Love you and I know we will see you soon.
    We KNOW that in ALL things we are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us. And nothing can seperate you from the LOVE of God.
    Adam & Amanda & Addison Slater

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  22. Melissa & Colin,
    I have been following your blog for quite some time now but haven't been able to reach out to you because I just didn't want to know that Craig also went down a similiar road as Colin. His Burkitt's relasped in Dec 09. I understand every word you say, I completely know what you are going thru. I have been there. It was so nice to meet you both on Unit57 back in August. Craig and I would often speak of you both and wondered how your time was going at Tom Baker. I am here if you ever need me to scream, yell or vent. Reading your blogs is like reading my mind sometimes. I hate that someone else has to suffer as Craig did. You are in my prayers. You are a strong woman. Sending you strenght.
    Deanne Newman
    deanne37@hotmail.com

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  23. Colin and Missy

    ♥♥ Thinking of you ♥♥

    Holly

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  24. Dear Missy and Colin:
    we are praying that the God of peace will carry you thru this journey and comfort you and give you strength.. May HIS arms surround you and enable you to have joy and laughter in these day's ahead... May HIS presence be made known to you in so many way's.. This is our prayer....
    If there is anything we can do please let us know...
    Grandma Vi and Grandpa Ed Heller and Valinda Welk

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  25. Your blog was shared with me by my sister in law and I have been following your journey for quite awhile now. I am so saddened to hear the news you shared in your latest post, but I am so uplifted by your unfailing love for our God.
    We will continue to pray for you - for comfort and for joy in the days and weeks that lie ahead.
    Thank you both so much for being such an amazing testimony to me and one that I have been able to share with others who have been struggling in their own lives. God has used you greatly!
    Sincerely,
    Amy.

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  26. We've been praying, and we will continue to pray.
    Merlin and Amy Grabia

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  27. Colin and Melissa,
    You have been heavy on our hearts and deep in our prayers since your latest post. We are so sorry to hear of this tragic news. We are praying that you will experience God's undeniable presence in your home and in your hearts in the coming days. We are also praying for your boys, that God would touch them in a very special way. Like so many others, we continue to come before God asking for a miraculous healing in Colin's body.
    With much love,
    Jace, Renee and Elijah Anderson

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  28. Dear Melissa and Colin,
    I have been following this site since your first blog and want you to know you have been in my thoughts and prayers -- my love and heart go out to you at this time. Words cannot express how difficult this journey has been for you and the boys. One can only admire the strength and love from our Heavenly Father.
    Keep believing as we continue to pray for you both and the boys.
    Sing with me:
    "Through it all, through it all; I've learned to trust in Jesus; I've learned to trust in God. Through it all, through it all; I've learned to depend upon His word."
    Love and many, many prayers,
    Coni Christo

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  29. hey brother....Catherine just did an all night walk last night for the Canadian Cancer Society. It broke my heart to see all the lit candles for those that have lost their battle. This morning I read that you may be at the end of your battle. my heart is broken for a young father and husband to have to leave his family. Thank you Colin for the legacy you will leave behind, as a man of God and rock for your family. You are an inspiration to me.
    Matt & Catherine, Emma & Joshua Gladwin

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  30. Colin,
    I was unaware of the battle that you had been fighting until Barret send me a message yesterday. My heart aches for you and for your family and yet I am encouraged by your faith and strength through this battle. I read Barret's post and remember how you were ready to take on anything when you first came to school, there was nothing that could stand in your way of reaching your goals. I hope that your boys will understand the amazing man that they had for a father and that although your time with them will be short that your impact will be legendary! Be blessed my brother and know that you and your family are in my prayers!

    Brent Wiens

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  31. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys as well. Chad Graham

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  32. Colin & Missy, Joy and myself just found this heartbreaking news tonight. I pray for you and your family Colin. Your strength and courage is absolutley amazing. Thinking and praying for you. Trevor & Joy Frost

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  33. Curtis & JoanneJune 28, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    1. When all my labors and trials are o’er,
    And I am safe on that beautiful shore,
    Just to be near the dear Lord I adore,
    Will through the ages be glory for me.
    * Refrain:
    Oh, that will be glory for me,
    Glory for me, glory for me,
    When by His grace I shall look on His face,
    That will be glory, be glory for me.
    2. When, by the gift of His infinite grace,
    I am accorded in heaven a place,
    Just to be there and to look on His face,
    Will through the ages be glory for me.
    3. Friends will be there I have loved long ago;
    Joy like a river around me will flow;
    Yet just a smile from my Savior, I know,
    Will through the ages be glory for me.

    Colin & Missy: As I was praying for you this morning on my walk with the dogs, this old hymn came to my mind and I just had to share it. Whenever I am going through difficult times, the lyrics to these old hymns immediately come to mind and bring me comfort. I can't imagine walking the path that God has chosen for you both, but wanted to let you know that you have chosen to respond with dignity, integrity and grace - always giving glory to God in obedience to him. Thank you for showing the rest of us how to suffer! As I have mentioned before, it is an honor to be chosen by God to bear such a burden and you both are heroes of the faith. Continuing to pray for you every second of the day, Much Love, Uncle Curtis & Aunt Joanne

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