Friday, June 4, 2010

Not even sure what to think....

Whoa, i have to take a deep breath before i start typing this one....i'm kinda at a loss for words. Yesturday was a very mixed day for Colin and I. It was incedibly long, and so very draining, both physically and emotionally. Let me start at the beginning. Colin was feeling "off" upon arriving at the hospital so we took it slow and once we got down to the basement and followed the mazes of hallways and signs, we were led to a waiting room for them to call us to meet the Radiation Oncologist. Well Colin was still feeling "off" and we later learned that the steroid he is on can sometimes mess with your blood sugars, and mixing with anxiety and the early morning with travels, it doesn't make a person feel so hot!
Once we finally got down to see the Doc, it was a quick in and out meeting. Basically he said the standard side effects of radiation were likely to happen, extreme fatigue, nausea, vomitting, etc. Cataracts can develop over the long term, but that most everything else will subside within the months following the end of treatment. The duration of treatment will be 5 days a week for 4 weeks straight, for a total of 20 sessions of full brain radiation. Those of you who have gone down this road, Colin was measured for a brace-like mould for his head and chest to ensure he doesn't move during treatment. There is a cage-like mask that will cover the front of his face that attatches to this hard foam mould to ensure the exact position. He had CAT scans done to establish exactly where to align the X-ray- like radiation. This "x-ray" is exactly that, an x-ray but at the most intense magnitude. It will only be on him for less than a minute, but the appointment takes up to an hour, with making sure he is in the exact placement needed.
So there was the business side of things, then we went upstairs to Unit 57 to check for bloodwork and assessment by our Doc's, and when we got there, bloodwork taken, they sat down with us and said they were formally discharging Colin from their service. Oh....usually this takes place when a person has a clean bill of health and everyone is happy for you to be going home to start your new life. In our case, there is nothing more they can do for us....These next 4 weeks of radiation is it. The last of Colin's treatment whether it works or not.....whoa, not entirely what we wanted to hear. Actually we just felt like curling up together and crying right there. Instead we gathered our meds and shook their hands and thanked them so very much for the help and treatment they provided and we walked slowly out to the parking lot and headed for home.
We were assured that radiation treatment had about an 80-90% chance of relieving Colin's facial peralysis and relieving his headaches and back pain, BUT he just could not give us anything on how long it would work we have been processing, talking it out, crying it out and just enjoying THIS day, THIS gift of time and family and being at home. We are continuing to pray for our miracle, that this radiation will work and be effective for the long term. What we do know is that Colin will not ever have the option of a transplant, at any time. This treatment will be the last, and our hope is that after this we will be home together on the road to recovery! Our God is SO very BIG and SO very powerful, and right now, we're working through this information to pick each other back up and keep on fighting!
So, i leave you with that....i'm not sure what else to say, but treatments won't begin until June 14th so we have another week at home, i hope Colin stays comfortable so we can enjoy every moment of being together! We have to praise God in everything, and today, we PRAISE HIM for opening and closing doors and for taking on our sickness and pain and experiencing each minute of it before dieing on the cross for us! HE KNOWS, and HE is going before us, still leading. Praise God for that!
Please continue to pray for Colin, for him to be prepared for treatment, and for him to be protected from the side effects short and long term ones. Pray protection around his whole body but also his mind and his heart and his emotions....he is still fighting, but God's strength is what he is relying on each day!
I will let you know how we are soon! Thanks again for taking the time to read...
Luv, Melissa


  1. Dear Colin & Melissa:

    What a hard day, my heart aches for you guys. I continue to pray for you and pray that side effects are minimal. You are such a fighter, Colin; God bless you!!!

    Aunt Debbie

  2. God, you know my feelings.
    You see me lying down, or sitting.
    You read my thoughts by day or at night,
    In rest, or waking.
    You know my strength and my weakness.

    Before I can guess what the day will bring
    You already know how I will respond.
    You are with me, around me,
    stretching out a helping hand.

    It's you who created me with all my thoughts and feelings.
    You put me together as a human being.
    For this mystery - mind, body, spirit,
    I thank you -
    For being simply me, and
    For the wonders of all that you have made.

    Lord, it's hard sometimes to find
    meaning in suffering, life, and death.
    There are so many ways of looking at it,
    And, then, in the end, what's left?
    My own experience and you.

    Lord, help me to know you
    in all that I sense and think and feel.
    Lead me along ways of doing good
    And guide me to joyful rest in you.

    Hi Guys,

    This was a lectionary reading/prayer for me today and I thought it might bless you too. It sounds like yesterday was really long and abrupt at the same time, and of course you will need to process it together. We're Praying God's wisdom and comfort, praying for rest and healing, praying for the kind of peace that just doesn't make sense in human terms, the peace that God extends to us with such tenderness and mercy.

    Lisa and Jeff

  3. Hi, We are praying for strength, endurance and peace. We stand with you in prayer for a healing touch to Colin's body by the Lord Jesus.

    Gary was so apprehensive prior to radiation, and the mask etc...doesn't help that part, but I pray that the Lord will go into the radiation room like he did with Gary, to comfort plus direct the radiation to the correct areas and destroy the cancer. Protecting the areas that need to give him peace. We pray that the Lord would physically show himself to Colin with each treatment as he did with Gary.

    I found that when we only worry about today, the burden somehow is easier to bear.

    I pray for the Lord to comfort you both and to remove the fear.

    Enjoy your time at home's so nice to have a few days at home without any packing, travelling week will take care of it's self. May the Lord give you peace this week. Enjoy!!! Thinking of you all! Christine & Gary

  4. Hey guys!!

    I'm not sure what to say except for the fact that I'm praying. The Lord knows exactly what you guys need. I've managed to dig out most of the my contact and send a mass email out with this website attached. I'm praying that people see the need for prayer and add you guys to their list. May the Lord continue to give you strength, wisdom, and peace. A peace so that you'll be able to enjoy family time. A peace so that you can rest comfortably. I'm thinking of you guys, can't stop, even wake up in the middle of night and have to pray!!!!!


  5. Colin and Missy,
    Our church has been and will continue to pray for you. This is a difficult time. I praise God that He is with you through it all.
    Love you and your boys!

    U. Reg

  6. I'm just so overwhelmed for you! There's nothing to say except that we're praying for you.
    The Muirheads

  7. Yesterday I read: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted... (Psalm 34:18)

    May He be close to you both.

  8. You are both so amazing as you continue to cling and hold strong to Gods promises for you. My heart breaks for you as you head into the unknown, but at the same time it is at peace that God will go with you through these rough waters.
    We love you and think of you each day. Be strong Colin and may God protect you completely and bring healing to your body.
    Love Auntie Dawna for the Motz men too