Holidays and Quiet Moments...

Hello All!
what an amazing past few days it has been! It's been great to be up here in calgary with Andy, Nat and their kids...getting the kids together and watching them laugh an have so much fun is just the best thing right now! It's actually been good to be up here, i thought maybe a bit hard to be here considering all of our time spent up here. I've still been in this rut of getting up and thinking i need to get ready to head up to the hospital or that i need to call and check in with Colin while i'm playing here with the kids...i really miss him like crazy and i miss him every time i think of how much fun he would be having with our boys and the rest of the family. We spent the day with some great family friends yesturday and it was the first day that i feel like i relaxed a little bit. We went to a little local beach and man made lake and it got us all so pumped to get out to Shushwap...the kids had so much fun! They made us this huge sea-food an fresh veggie feast for supper and i couldn't help but think how much Colin would have been over the moon to have been treated to such an amazing meal!
Today has been quiet...just playing around the yard and maybe later we'll head up to the mall. Not much us going on, but i've missed being with Andy and Nat and their family, it's kinda been a security blanket for me and they still are...it's such a safe and quiet place to come and get away from it all....holidays are going to be great, i never knew how much i needed to get away until we actually just got out of town:)
Life will be waiting for us when we get back, but for now, i'm going to soak up every uninterupted minute with my family!
I just wanted to say a huge thank you for those of you who came to support Colin's family at the Memorial Tea that was held for him yesturday! I haven't heard much yet, but from what i did hear and the pics that i saw, there were so many who knew and loved Colin and his family....what a blessing it is to have you there and to have had you apart of his life! I know that Colin's mom and Grandma and i know there were others, who did so much to make it a special event!
Anyways, i think i hear a little Keegan who is coming up the stairs from his nap, i better go!
Love, Melissa

What a Strange but Perfect Gift...TIMING

What Good medicine it is to be around great friends! We had a little party tonite with some of our very bestest friends and it was just what we all needed! Our little Keegie Bear is turning two years old in the morning and i just can't believe how these years have flown! Such a monumental week..Corban is riding his two-wheeler bike and keegan is turning two and all of a sudden finding his voice, and TONS of words along with it! I never could have dreamed to have such a warm, loving, and support close-knit group of friends, we are so thankful for these precious memories and excited for many more to come!
I've been thinking a lot about the verb of the word "mourn". To be in mourning has so many layers to it. To this point in my life, i've only thought of that word as a devastatingly sad and lonely concept. What God is showing me is that mourning is a whole lot more complicated than just sad and lonely...BUT complicated in an almost positive sense...ok, am i losing you yet?! heehee...I have found myself being lost in memories of the love Colin and I shared, and the love he had for our boys, and it makes me smile, it makes me happy...something i didn't think was associated with mourning. I have also been learning that i need to let things go, I was so blessed to have had the most amazing 10 years of my life with the love of my life....i am satisfied in that and content that although this is going to be so painful and lonely, I need to dig my heels in and still live like we only have this one day....i can't go back, we won't ever be able to go back, so we must ask God to carry us forward. AND HE HAS!!! This may come as a sudden shock to some, but i maintain that God is guiding me and my boys and we are confident in HIS leading....Although we were not looking to move, God has in a sense "dropped" a house in our laps, and with much prayer and being open for God to either open the door or close it shut...HE has opened it and allowed for me and my boys to get a house that is perfect for our every need for a permanent amount of time!!! Before Colin relapsed, we were set to begin looking for a house to move up into...our little home is a starter home and we have been noticing that we are quickly bursting at the seams, so with that in mind, we made a list together that although simple would meet our long term needs to find another perfect home for our family. When i walked through the doors of this house.....i quickly found and mentally checked off every single one of our simple requests for another home...all the way down to details that we only shared with each other about what we wanted...God Knows, and i know that Colin would have loved this home for us. I understand that others will have opinions but i only operate in direction with The BIG Guy, and I am fully at peace that this has been orchestrated by God, Himself. God also knew how very stressed i get when thinking about the time and effort it would take to list our house and try to sell it....and He also took care of that side of things, and we were able to find a buyer and we privately sold our house as well! PRAISE THE LORD!!! I am still in complete awe at how He fits everything perfectly into place....i am excited to have a home to start new and amazing memories with our boys....and as i have been packing up and going through things, i have this strange sense that this house is no longer our home with Colin not here with us in it....I just am sad that Colin couldn't be here to jump around and hug me and say "we did it, we found the house we've been dreaming for! This is our time!" Up until his last days, we were still talking about finding another house.....
Tomorrow we are packed and ready to hit the road for Calgary for the weekend to be with Andy and Nat, which has kinda been more our home this past year than any, to be honest! Then Monday Mom, Dad, Me and the boys will be headed out to shushwap for about a week to have some down time and hang out with some great friends! So if you don't hear from me for a bit, at least you know what's been going on in our life!
God is Good, ALL the Time!
If i can, i will update from our holidaying, if not, i will as soon as we return!
Blessings,
Melissa

BIG Cheers!!!

I have to write today with the most amazingly exciting news!!!!! Our BIGGEST little boy Corban just decided at about 2:00pm that he wanted his Papa and come over and take his training wheels off of his bike....so he waited until after supper when Papa was over and we took his training wheels off and literally OFF he went! I honestly don't know what i was prepared for, i thought he would get frustrated and discouraged and want it to go back to the way it was, BUT he was determined and so brave and he just went for it, and away he went down our back alley way! WOW! What a villiage it took...i mean the saying that it takes a villiage to raise a child, it's completely true, more so now that ever before! With a little lesson from Papa and Nana keeping Keegan from getting in the way and Steph (my cousin) with the camera in hand capturing every second of it, and me, masking my tears with such extreme albeit bittersweet excitement....being his biggest fan running after him...it's such a kneejerk reaction to run into the house and want to show Colin all the pictures and have Corban tell him all about it...but we can't, so i just told Corban that Daddy and Jesus were cheering him on, SO proud of his accomplishment! i knew these days would come, but i just wasn't prepared for any this soon:)
Tonite Corban and i had a little cry, for missing Daddy again..we do it mostly around bedtime, when we cuddle and talk, and i'm so glad he is open to keep me in the loop when he's feeling those things....i'm in this place of remembering, i mean, just looking back and having my mind take me to memories of Colin and I...finding old pictures and looking back...it's weird, i didn't think i would have to look back until i was old and the kids were grown, BUT, it's here and now, and i am choosing to allow those memories to bless me....and be so thankful that God would entrust me to be a wife and a caregiver to such an amazing man, my sweetness, my Colin...I just wish i could still be in that role...that just wasn't God's will, so i'm praying for God to keep me, and guide me and for His plan to continue to take shape with me and our boys! Enough..i need to go watch the Bachlorette, oh man, i just butchered the spelling on that one, i'm drawing a blank which usually means, i'm done for this day! haha:)
Good Night!
Luv, Melissa

Simple and a little Boring:)

Well, i am afraid that in this new phase of our journey, i might bore some of you. It's a little refreshing that i don't have to report any new and detrimental state of Colin's health. HE IS HEALED!!! Again, i keep having to remind myself that he is no longer in pain and agony, but guarunteed to be playing some sort of heavenly rendition of an earthly sport he so loved! I find so much peace in knowing he must be having the best time up there being able to be free from all of the earhtly hassle that surrounded him in his last year. Honestly, the last couple days have been pretty relaxed and worry free for me and the boys as well. Today Corban, Keegan and I were altogether in the pool for a time, then had a good little cuddle on a big beach blanket out in our backyard, the simplicity in our life right now is the most refreshing thing...it makes me smile because i just keep thinking of how extatic Colin would be with how simple we are being. Our whole married life was full of simple...something we both loved, it didn't take much to make either one of us happy, as long as we were together, just loving being together. I miss him, but it's so strange that i don't feel devastated....i love him so desperately, but i wanted so much for him to be free from his pain and his battle....it's kinda like i carried his burden in a totally different way, having to watch him suffer and be able to do so little to relieve it or make it better. It fills my heart with so much JOY to know he is restored in heaven...JOY being my operative word...in my mind the definition of joy is not happiness, but a relief in so much sorrow...this mix of bitter and sweet...kinda like when Jesus died on the cross for my sin...makes me so incredibly grateful that HE would save me from an eternity of pain and suffering in hell and take me to be with HIM in the heavenly beauty that is to come..BUT HE had to suffer such terrible pain that can't even be expressed to get me there....Hmmmmm, there are no words, just JOY that HE would think of me, and you, and want to save US!
It will all continue to take time, but I am still being carried by God Himself and i am so grateful to so many who are praying on our behalf..Thank you again, and again, and a thousand times over, How God works in and through people and situations truly amazes me!
Today was a good day, and i guess tomorrow..we will decide what kind of day tomorrow is when it gets here!
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa

Numbness...Busy...Protection?

whoa...i have been spending most of the week trying to get the "life" details organized....i had no idea that the most simplist of accounts, like the cellphone...would give me the most grief of the whole process! YIKES!!! I've had to ask God for some EXTRA grace when speaking with these lovely people on the phone...i think just a few more stops tomorrow morning, and things should all be taken care of.....I have to say the biggest THANK YOU to my Dad for helping carry the brunt of the mountain of details...he's made me have the easy job, it's been the biggest blessing!
To be honest, i'm doing ok, mostly because the energy the boys wake up with in the morning is the same level the whole day until they go to bed! I'm finding God's timing is the same "perfect" as it has been throughout this journey so far. Today was the day for a bit of change. I've been feeling like i'm drowning in "stuff" all around me at home....since Colin relapsed in March, it's been 18 weeks of not being able to keep on top of things at home, and so explains why i feel i'm drowning in our stuff....just so much to go through and get a handle on. I bought the biggest rubbermaid bin i could find the other day and today, i started to put Colin's things into that bin. I've been finding it almost harder to come into our room at the end of a tiring day and see all of his things surrounding me, makes me more than a little sad...and i'm not sure what to do, and since i've had such great encouragement about each person doing this greiving thing differently, i'm figuring that whatever i do, is just a.o.k.
I feel God is surrounding me with such a protection....like i'm under this barrier that keeps me from really feeling the gravity of my situation. I find myself being able to smile throughout my day...because of my kiddos...they are just so much fun and they bring so much joy. I've been really enjoying putting Keegan to bed again...he cuddles so much and we are really bonding again. Corban is going through a testing stage...not sure what is age and what is just stress of all that's going on...this too shall pass:) I almost feel numb today...hope that passes too, but maybe it's part of God's protection...who knows...one day at a time....
i've just gotten off of the phone with Colin's mom out in BC and she has mentioned that because of the family and friends that weren't able to come out to our Celebration of Life service in Medicine Hat, there will be a Memorial Tea on
July 24,2010 at 10:00am in the Greendale MB Church Gym. Darlene informed me that all you from BC would know where that is, and if you are able to come celebrate with the Burritt family, they would be honored to have you there.
Anyhoo, again another evening has flown by and i should start heading to bed....I really want to thank all of those people who have blessed us with meals in the last few weeks, fresh and frozen, THANK YOU!!!! For the flowers that so many have sent, they are BEAUTIFUL and there is nothing better than the smell of fresh flowers! THANK YOU!
Sweet Dreams!
Love, Melissa

Beginning the Long Road Ahead

This is it...silence....no one around but me and mom and dad (who are home, taking some much needed quiet time, themselves!) Andy and Nat left this afternoon, and it kinda felt like a bandaid being peeled away except multiplied by a thousand. I didn't think i would be this attached, but they make me feel a little closer to Colin, since the four of us spent so much time bonding this past year (whether we liked it or not, lol). I keep having these shooting pains, not physically, but just inside, my heart or deeper, i don't know, i can't really explain it, it just hurts. It only last for a minute or two, every so often, when i've slowed down enough to feel it. Being in this house in the quiet again, i'm realizing all of Colin's fingerprints over so much. It's kinda like he's still here, just gone for a time. His shoes, hoodies, toothbrush, etc. Keegan has been lookng for him a lot today, just wondering where he is. I still have this knee-jerk reaction to call him and check in, like he's in the hospital or something, it's weird. He's really gone...i don't even really know what to do with myself....i've never been the best person to be alone in life, so this is really going to hurt, i'm sure, but i know i'm not alone, it's just that my sweetie isn't here, and i wish so much that my parents and all of those who love us so much could fill that, but they just can't, but Praise God, they are the next best thing, right?!
whoa, this is gonna be tough....just breathe....i'm gonna go have a good cry...and by then i'm sure the kids will be up to something that will make me smile again. Ya, know? i've been thinking and it's been a long time since i was able to really laugh...i don't even know what that feels like anymore, just to have a good gut laugh, from the depths.....i just noticed the other day, i try but i just can't....i guess it'll come in time. Now onto a new week with more paperwork to be done and more signatures to be signed to make this new identity of being "just me" really for real. Here we go....oh i should go, i hear Keegan's cries, and Corban wants a snack...life goes on....whether i want it too or not.
Sorry to unload, i just have this heavy lump in my gut, and i can't get rid of it. I need to have some good "Jesus Time" today, HE is the best at lessening this load!
Love, Melissa

We Got Thru It....and Did A.O.K!!

WE DID IT!! Yesturday was the most beautiful celebration for our Colin....it sounds weird, almost wrong to talk about a funeral like that, but i really didn't see it as a funeral, it was exactly what we wanted, a celebration of his amazing life. I am just so honored to have been a part of that life for as long as God allowed us to be together! My only desire in life was to fall head over heels, deeply in love, and God granted me the desires of my heart! How blessed i have been! Our families were so very honored to have each one who could attend our celebration and even those who coudn't, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and well-wishes! I am a hugger, and i sure got my share at the BBQ, thank you to each one who waited to speak with me, i was so overwhelmed with your support and blessed beyond measure through your words!
When i got to taste the BBQ beef, MAN, THAT WAS GREAT!!!! it was a good day, not what i expected to be honest....i mean, it was difficult, but so positive, i didn't feel the devastation i thought i would. My heart still has that familiar ache, as i'm sure that's not going to go away for a long time, but i guess it just takes some time....most of family has already packed up and gone. Colin's parents just packed the car and now they are on their way as well. It's gonna get pretty quiet pretty fast...but i guess there's no time like the present to start learning how to do this, getting a hold on our new normal and trying to establish some stability and routine....oh man, i'm glad i'm just working on a few hours at a time, God will carry us, i'm trusting HIM for that!
Today, my cousin Steph helped me declare a "BRAIN SHUTDOWN DAY", haha, sounds funny, but it's exactly what i'm gonna do, just be....and enjoy the simplicity of life today....love and laugh with my boys and enjoy being a full-time Mommy...something i have dreamed of doing for such a long time....Thank You Lord, that You have promise to comfort and heal and restore us, too, not just Colin, but for us still here on earth! I'm gonna hold Him too that promise, that's for sure!
this afternoon is quiet, not sure what to think of that yet, i'm almost afraid of the quiet....but just breathe, the rest God's gotta do for me right now!
ok i should go cuddle with my Corban!
happy Saturday, and thank you again for supporting us yesturday, you all were apart of making it the most amazing day to be apart of! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!
Love, Melissa

Lord, Get Me Through This Day...

Wow, today is the day i have been dreading this whole week....secretly i was just hoping that i could skip around it altogether...BUT IT'S....ok...it's ok to cry, to show emotion, and i don't know what in my mind was telling me otherwise....today is going to be another one of those hardest days of my life....i just never imagined at a fresh 27 years, that i would have to lay my best friend and my love to rest. This isn't fair, BUT God only knows what perfection HE will bring through our troubles....I keep trying to look at Job...in the Bible, to give me advice. I used to think something like this could never happen to me, or that i'd only be affected by cancer and it's suffering through the "grape vine". God is good, i have jumbled thoughts and my prayer is that we can find a way to release Colin in his freedom in Heaven this day....That his perfection through Jesus will be complete and we can find a way to formally say Good-bye to our Dear One.
I still just can't believe he's gone......just breathe...in and out....I am praying God and Colin show us great things through this service today!
Luv, Melissa

I'm Stuck...

ahhh, i feel like i just don't even want to face the next few days, it's creeping up and i just don't know if i will ever be ready for tomorrow....but i know God is here, i just hope i can make it through without too much, of, well, i don't know what. Honestly, i am excited for the celebration service, God has orchestrated so many little details, and when it's all flowing together i fully know that God and Colin will be teaching us and pouring into all of us, so be ready to be full! I feel like my tears are stuck, it's the only way to describe it, like i have this huge burm and it's gonna get too full and explode, but i'm just afraid cuz i don't know when that explosion will take place. I guess i've been open and honest with you all to this point, so i will continue to do so....I need to shower and get ready and face this day head on....family and friends trickling in....Corban and i are going to say goodbye to Daddy just the two of us today....please pray for me, for strength and for Corban's understanding and just for the words of Christ to speak to him through me. I am definitely not cut out for all of this, BUT it's not about me, God has HIS plan and perfect purpose, and I have gone too far with HIM to start to doubt now.
ok, this is a short one, just remembering to breath once again, i think i stopped there for a few seconds....gonna go shower....
See you tomorrow! Thank you all for taking the time to be with us there tomorrow, it means so much!
Love, Melissa

Loud Silence...

I think it just hit me...Colin's really gone. With the business and people around to keep me busy, i've been putting off coming to that fact. He's gone...not coming back, it's something both Corban and i are having a tough time processing. What do you tell a 4 year old when he wants to pass away so he, too, can go be with Jesus and his Daddy. I want him back so much, i know i'm not alone, but there this huge emptiness that just isn't going away. I guess i'm just a bit overwhelmed and exhausted and just trying to adjust to this reality....He's really gone....it feels so short the 10 years i had him....never enough time, even if he had hung on to fight more days, it would have never been enough time. And then i feel so relieved that he is whole, healed and free. I am almost excited for him to feel that new and fresh and healthy....He was so brave and faught so hard for so long, he deserves to just rest in the Arms of The Almighty....i'm a bit envious for that...BUT, i have to remember to keep breathing, keep living and loving and laughing for our families and our boys. It doesn't make the pain stop, maybe just a little easier to push through it. I just don't know how i'm gonna do it, BUT I WILL...Oh with GOD's supernatural help, we will weather this storm....i am absolutely terrified, but i am determined to keep going.....i'm not sure where i'm gonna keep going too, lol, but we'll regain some kind of new normal and new routine and me and my boys will just keep truckin through, making sure each day is dedicated to being stronger in Christ.
I just have to go take some time now to cry, that is gonna be my medicine right now, some healing tears and resting in God's Holy Presence!
Love to you all!
oh ya, i almost forgot to mention, i don't want black to be the "usual" staple color at the celebration of life service on Friday....please be confident, like we are, in where Colin is and that he is made new....please dress comfortable and colorful, or just where whatever you want! HUGS!!!

Soon Some Rest, or Realisation....

I honestly think i'm still in a state of shock. Today started as i have dreamed for so long....I actually got to get up with my boys, i got them dressed and ready and i got a shower in before 11am, that never happens! Then we came downstairs, had breakfast together and i had a good cup of hot coffee followed by a trip to the backyard for some much needed sandbox time with both kids! All before 9am! WOW!! Praise God for the little things, because after 10am we started into the business that no one wants to trudge through. We got all of the funeral arrangements handled, ran around to numerous places who all of a sudden now, need my signature, and came back to have some down time and get the service part of things going...whoa man, there was more than i had invisioned, but one minute at a time, and now i sit and look back at another tough day and feel like we got a whole lot accomplished. I hope sleep comes for us, it seems we all didn't have the greatest sleep last nite, the kids got a great rest in, but the adults just made more coffee to combat the fatigue....i pray rest comes soon, we all need it.
I feel so torn, like this whole thing really isn't settled in with me yet, it's not real, the business is keeping me from that reality, i'm not sure when it will hit me, but i feel more like i'm walking around in a fog. I'm happy with the details coming together and i know Colin would be thrilled with how things will look for Friday. This is just never in a million years where i wanted to be at 27 years old with our two boys....BUT then in that same breath, God is SO good, and HE is here with me still going before me, and beside me and behind me, and carrying me....How comfortable i am in HIS peace and presence!
I should head to bed, to at least try to get some rest...i pray we can get the things written and thoughts out on paper that we so desire to honor for Colin's memory! Thank you for encouragements and prayers, they continue to carry us....i wish i could hug each one who has ministered to us, so please feel my arms squeezing each of you tight!
Good Night,
Luv, Melissa

My Most Difficult Day

Here i sit, in our bed, all set back up after the hospital beds are already moved out. My True love and my brave sweet beloved is now resting in the loving arms of Our Lord Jesus. Last nite we had a rough go of things, paranoia and anxiety were overtaking him and after about 330am he was completely unresponsive. Nothing but the terrifying sounds of gasps for breath and a shallow pulse. Death is upon us and we, too, were learning along the way, but we both knew the end was near, and so Colin wouldn't let me go too far yesturday....This morning at 1033am, while we were sitting and visiting and laughing around him, Colin's sweet, loving, beautiful spirit went home....Praise God he is now fully restore and he is free from disease and pain. There is this strange but very real peace surrounding me today, this is not a devastating day but a day to rejoice that our healing can finally begin. Colin is completely healed and our prayers have been answered, Thank You Jesus! The only thing he would have wanted is for us all to Praise God for his Heavenly Entrance....and to be happy in remembering him here on earth.
Like so many of you have said before, there are no words, and now in this quiet, peaceful moment, i have no words. Such a mixture of an achy sorrow that i am now left alone, without my love to share my life with, BUT such relief that this chapter has come to an end....i feel guilty, a little bit for those feelings....the rough and bumpy days are ahead of that i'm certain, but i know that God will not let go of me now, not while HE has carried our family through this life so far. I keep remembering to breath, if i can do that simple task, each second and minute will take care of itself.
We are in the process of making arrangements still, but our "CELELBRATION OF LIFE" service will be held at 2:00pm on Friday, July 9, 2010 at Hillcrest Church in Medicine Hat, Alberta. We have and will continue to keep this journey as open as possible to share of each one who would want to come share in celebrating Colin's life. We would be honored to have all who desire to come be apart of that day!

To My Beloved, You will be so dearly missed, and you are so deeply loved....my heart has a hole without you by my side...i will do my very best to raise our boys in the full knowledge of Christ and with full understanding of the amazing man their Daddy was. For you this may only be a blink of an eye, but to me, it will feel like an eternity until we meet again. Thank you for the very best years of my life, you have changed me, and now just as you are being made new, it will be my prayer that God will fill and repair my broken heart to somehow, someday restore me as well. You have given me two of the most precious gifts in our boys and each day i wake up, i will see your shining, handsome face in them both. I don't know how to get up yet, to go on, but there are so many here to take care of me and the kids, God is SO good! Be Free, finally be able to just bask in the presence of our God. Kiss His cheek for me, tell Him i will serve Him always and hold close to His promises, but i guess i can do that myself right here, right now. Goodbye my dear sweetie, i love you so so so much!
All my love,
Melissa
ps. if it's ok with all of you, my blogging days are not over, i will continue to share our next chapter of this journey with all of you...if you will allow me. Thank you for all of your support and prayers, i feel them right now, they are what is carrying me through the most difficult days of my life!

Heavenly Promises....

Today i feel this sinking in the pit of my stomach that the end is more near than we know. The pain has begun, Colin woke me up around 430am this morning and was terrified, he was breathing so fast and heavy and he was so disoriented and confused and just wanted water from his sponge and for me to be awake with him. In a weird wonderful way, it was such a comforting time to just release him, we talked in choppy bits about him not being afraid to go be with Jesus but afraid for the pain and suffering he will endure until that time comes. The pain in his head is leaving him very disoriented....he is not our dearest Colin any more, i think yesturday morning was the last i saw of my dear sweet Colin. As we laid together, we prayed and i told him it was ok to let go and he told me he just didn't know how to do that yet, the pain meds are probably going to have to be adjusted again, but i think i caught his head ache in time to keep him comfortable. I don't know how much longer we will be able to care for him here at home, that will be another level of grief of having him leave and never will he return to our home.
Oh God, help...i have an ache today, I always told Colin that being a single mom would be the hardest job in the world, and here i am facing my worst fears.
God is good, the time i got to have in the peace and quiet of the early morning was more than i could have ever asked for, and for a time, he was the same Colin, in little bits and pieces. I just want him to go peacefully to be with his Savior.
Thank you for God's Words...sometimes it's all i have time to do is sit and read the words typed on the our blog, so thank you for filling me with Heavenly promises! It is a true honor to be apart of God's Family....I wonder what church would be like in Heaven this day....maybe soon, Colin will be able to get back to church, and oh goodness, what a service it's going to be!!!!!
Love, Melissa

My Bestest Friend

My poor Colin has been having a rough couple of days...After they adjusted his pain meds, he has been having crazy feelings of floating and being off Kilter. He has not been eating very well and he's been kinda confused a lot. Not able to make the simplist of decisions, i'm afraid the best days are behind us and the tough one's are only beginning...Oh Lord, please don't let him suffer any more. This morning he has been unable to find a comfortable position, my brother and i have been trying to adjust him on and off all morning, now he has finally fallen back to sleep. He told me he just wants to be done and i kissed his forehead and told him he can go to be with Jesus whenever he needs to go, we don't want him to hold on and suffer, my desire is for him to be healed and fully restored, Heaven is his home. My fingers are shaking while i type, i hate that we have to live through this, i'm jealous my true love has to go without me to meet our Jesus, like Corban said, "do we get to go with Daddy when he meets Jesus?" I wanna go, BUT God has a plan, i am holding onto that promise that HE is directing our path, whatever or however that may look. I am afraid to walk through this valley, but our support has been mind-blowing, and there are so many blessings around each corner, i have nothing but Praise to a God who would care to carry us through this, or more realistically, HE is going before us through this, to make sure we are protected the entire way. These days, not many words come when i am quiet to pray. I am bathing in the promise to "Be still and know that I AM GOD". So honestly i have been leaning so heavily on the prayers of so many, beacuse in this time, we just don't have those words, and many of you do, so please don't stop carrying us in prayer....you have no idea the impact you are having on our lives each minute of every day!
For now, it's quiet, that sounds seems SO loud, but so refreshing, just to sit and be in this moment....God is here, sitting in our room with us, Colin is at peace with that etrnal fact that he will be going to his true home....he is not at peace with the discomfort and weird symptoms from all the meds and the disease, my heart also aches for what i can't take away. Jesus, if it be Your will, take this cup from him, but if not, please protect Colin every second while he continues this battle. I miss my best friend, the one i could come to and sit with and share evry thought with, but now i have my Heavenly Father to do that with, i did before, but Colin is my earthly everything, and some days i don't know how i'm gonna get through this life without him by my side, i honestly don't know where i end and he begins, it terrifies me to try. For now, we live, today we have more love and cuddles and i have more time to just sit and study every detail...one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.
Lots of Love, Melissa

Birthday Wishes...COME TRUE!!!

woweeee, again just finished reading all of those amazing comments, what smiles and tears and memories and just great feelings! Only God will know how you have helped carry this burden. I have said it so many times but i will say it again, what a privilege and an honor to be apart of the family of God! THANK YOU!!!
Since i didn't get a chance to post yesturday...we were having a party...i got my birthday wish of having Colin to celebrate with me one last time, he had everything arranged from a beautiful card and bouquet of flowers to the ice cream cake that we can't live without when anyone has a birthday! What a day, lots of laughter and fun. i mean tamed down fun since Colin can't handle too much these days, just before sitting down to supper last nite, made by Nicole (Colin's sister)YUM...MediCare just showed up with two hospital beds!!!! HAPPY BIRHTDAY to me, they had two so it isn't even like we're separate at all, we even got the deluxe versions with remotes to adjust to different positions. Even though Colin didn't do much but lay while we carried him in and out in bed sheets, he was so restless and exhausted last nite, with all teh hustle and bustle.
Today, Colin had a good morning spending it with his mom and dad while me and the kids had pancakes at my parents house, it was honestly the first time i left the house in over a week. i hadn't even noticed! The Doc's came today and adjusted Colin's pain meds again, up another level, each day it just gets a little worse. Today was the realization that he has nothing left for use in his extremeties, his hands just don't work....even to try to scratch his face, or hold teh straw to drink, someone has to help. This is so tough for him, so today he has been trying to just let things go...i'm so proud of him, he has done very well. We had a little quiet time this afternoon together, more good talks, and while Colin napped i just tried to study his features to make sure i don't soon forget....i had some journal time and Jesus time and it really was what i needed to recharge. I felt like today i had a really great day with all 3 of my boys. Corban even got a cuddle with Daddy in, he just sat and tickled Daddy's chest, so i captured it with my camera, i do that a lot these days!
Each day has truly been a precious gift, we are so blessed to be together again for another day, i pray for more great times tomorrow, Andy and Nat and the kids are here this weekend, so we'll have some family time with the Motz side....we are so blessed to have had the time with all of our immediate family.....i am blown away by our HUGE support system, i am sadly reminded of those who aren't so blessed, THANK YOU!
I need to go cuddle with my sweet hubby! i will keep you posted!
Much Love to you all!
Night Night
Luv, Melissa