This is it...silence....no one around but me and mom and dad (who are home, taking some much needed quiet time, themselves!) Andy and Nat left this afternoon, and it kinda felt like a bandaid being peeled away except multiplied by a thousand. I didn't think i would be this attached, but they make me feel a little closer to Colin, since the four of us spent so much time bonding this past year (whether we liked it or not, lol). I keep having these shooting pains, not physically, but just inside, my heart or deeper, i don't know, i can't really explain it, it just hurts. It only last for a minute or two, every so often, when i've slowed down enough to feel it. Being in this house in the quiet again, i'm realizing all of Colin's fingerprints over so much. It's kinda like he's still here, just gone for a time. His shoes, hoodies, toothbrush, etc. Keegan has been lookng for him a lot today, just wondering where he is. I still have this knee-jerk reaction to call him and check in, like he's in the hospital or something, it's weird. He's really gone...i don't even really know what to do with myself....i've never been the best person to be alone in life, so this is really going to hurt, i'm sure, but i know i'm not alone, it's just that my sweetie isn't here, and i wish so much that my parents and all of those who love us so much could fill that, but they just can't, but Praise God, they are the next best thing, right?!
whoa, this is gonna be tough....just breathe....i'm gonna go have a good cry...and by then i'm sure the kids will be up to something that will make me smile again. Ya, know? i've been thinking and it's been a long time since i was able to really laugh...i don't even know what that feels like anymore, just to have a good gut laugh, from the depths.....i just noticed the other day, i try but i just can't....i guess it'll come in time. Now onto a new week with more paperwork to be done and more signatures to be signed to make this new identity of being "just me" really for real. Here we go....oh i should go, i hear Keegan's cries, and Corban wants a snack...life goes on....whether i want it too or not.
Sorry to unload, i just have this heavy lump in my gut, and i can't get rid of it. I need to have some good "Jesus Time" today, HE is the best at lessening this load!
Love, Melissa
Missy
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for everything you have done. As the service stated Colin was able to impact so many people in his short life. This is all true, but I have to say that TOGETHER you two have impacted our lives beyond what words can describe. Your steadfast devotion to GOD and unwavering love for each other is such a inspiration for others. Missy, you are an amazing person and you will do a great job raising those boys.
THANK YOU!
Shawn and Heidi Davis
Lethbridge
Oh Melissa, this is the start to the healing process. One step, one minute and definitely one breath at a time. Each day will bring a new experience which you will embrace because Jesus will be right next you, in front of you and behind you, guiding you each step and breath you take. Know that you have a great loving family and many, many friends to walk with you and to lend support to you and the boys. Do not be afraid to ask for help and support. Praying for you and the boys....
ReplyDeleteMilvia
I am thinking that most people are thinking of you constantly but are trying to give you your space as well. So please don't be shy about asking for help with something or even just calling someone up to pass some time with a playdate. You need to let us know when you are ready for that. My girls have all commented about getting together soometime with you. I'm sure that there are so many others...as I have noticed that you have aton of fabulous friends! You are not alone....we all love you!Kelly Kurp
ReplyDeleteOh Missy, how I long to ease your pain but only Jesus can do that. I have been thinking of you and praying for you all day today. Dave did Blessed Be Your Name in church this morning and I thought it was so fitting in light of the last while. I'm sure you know the song, one of the verses is "blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name. Bridge: You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name".
ReplyDeleteDo whatever whenever you need to in order to help process and grieve. Our family has added yours to our nightly prayers for the last year and that will continue. Thank you for being so transparent as you walk this road. It helps us to know more specifically how to pray. We love you and will continue to lift you up to our Lord.
Jen Morin
A great video where Chris Tomin talks about the song "I Will Rise."
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BLY5rr24mM
We keep praying for you. We keep crying with you. Let us "blog stalkers" know if there is anything we can do to help, to make the time go by faster or to bless your family.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteCry when you feel like it - tears release all that emotion that you've pent up. Take time, all the time you need to grieve, to weep, to express all of your emotions.
It was hard to drive away from Medicine Hat - that seemed to me the final goodbye. I arrived back home on the Island this afternoon, and want you to know that Tim and I continue to pray for you.
You and the boys, and Neil and Darlene are in my thoughts constantly.
This afternoon I shared with Tim all the events I could remember about Colin's celebration of life and together we cried.
"You are loved with an everlasting love." "Underneath are the everlasting arms."
Auntie Lorrie and Uncle Tim
Melissa, I'm totally backing up Kelly Kurp's comment.... I know that since we've started praying for you as a family, Eli's been asking about Corban... And when we ran into Glen with Corban on Canada Day, Eli loved playing with him! I want you to have the space you need, but if you want to play, please please let me know...
ReplyDeleteWe just want to support you and love you in any way you need when you need it.
Continuing to pray....
Beckie Muirhead (403-527-4471)
Dear Melissa, you have been heavy on my heart and I know on many hearts as you walk this road. Today God was ministering to my heart-and I want to pass this on to you dear sister. Music has always calmed my spirit( kind of like a king Saul thing :) One of the songs that just melts me into the arms of Jesus is Robin Mark's Faithful One- here are the words.
ReplyDeleteFaithful One, so unchanging, Ageless One- You are my rock of peace. Lord of all - I depend on you. I call out to You - again and again. I call out to You - again and again. You are my rock in times of trouble. You lift me up when I fall down. All through the storm , Your love is the anchor. My hope is in You alone. * Our sermon today was on Psalm 46 and how God is our fort, our rock in an unstable world. How our hearts need that - we are secure in the arms of our loving Father. So I pray you climb up on God's knee and snuggle into His chest and hear His heart beat. He loves you so. You and your dear hubby have been such an encouragement to soooo many . Thank you for sharing your faith and with that you increased our faith also. Someday we'll all be on the other side praising God,experiencing a love and unbelievable joy....which God gives us a hint of here in the relationships He blesses us with. Thank You our Faithful One.
Much love and prayers , Roberta Larson (Schimpf- oldtime friend of your parents from HCC)
Still praying for you constantly. I am a (almost 27 year old) single mom and have been for a long time (different circumstances tho). I know that every moment I can feel Him just there with me filling the role of daddy in my children's lives and the gaping hole of husband for me and building me up strengthening me and being everything we need. He is "I am" as in... He IS everything we need. Not only does He 'give' us strength and peace and truth... but He is all those things... we never walk alone.
ReplyDeleteI have come to truly and deeply love your family although I have never met you.
I felt to pass along this link to you of a pastor in Oregon who is absolutely anointed in his teachings. He lost his wife over 20 years ago and again lost one of his daughters several years ago. God's truth that flows through his teaching is just profound and in my dark hours when I just want to be nestled constantly in my Daddys arms I put it on and just fall asleep to it... maybe it can be a blessing to you now too... http://www.joncourson.com/teaching/teachings-topicalindex.asp its all free.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteJust want you to know that we are continually praying for you & your boys. Praying that God will gently walk you & guide you through this process. Keeping you safe in His arms while you grieve.
Mike & Melanie
Dear Missy
ReplyDeleteWow what an experience this continues to be for Will and I. This had affected our lives in a way words can't express - we went out and bought a book yesterday called "religion for dummies" - we really are doing some soul searching and want to better understand the "why" and the "how" so we can embrace things a little bit bitter! I had to smile today - we bought booster juice and I had a conversation with Colin in the back of my mind about how I always order the same drink - pommegranite passion - just wanted to share that momment with you :-)
This process is the hardest thing I believe a person can go through, we will continue to pray and hope for nothing but strength for you during this difficult time. We are sending our love and wrapping you in big hugs! Give your boys a big hug for us and know that you are loved by so many, and Colin will continue to be a presence in your life....just in such a different way. We love you and are wishing you all the best.
Love Shanda & Will
It's interesting how so many including myself feel like we know you and we do love you and your family. You're in so many daily prayers even now. I'm sure you have many friends that you can get a hold of when you're ready for playdates or if you need help with something. But consider me one of the extended army :) I would love to help where ever I can. I don't work, I'm a stay at home mom with our 2 boys 3 yrs and almost 10 months. Anything you need please please call. If you're feeling like tiring your boys out and you are feeling like you're up to some fresh air, myself and a couple other moms from Hillcrest are heading to Echodale wednesday. We would love for you to join us :) I pray you and your boys have a restful nights sleep.
ReplyDeletepraying faithfully
Michelle Isaak
403 504 6034
Hi Missy,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that the service was wonderful! I am so glad that I was able to come and say goodbye to Colin with you. Your words were beautiful and your dad really did Colin justice with his. I am sending lots of hugs your way so use them whenever you need to in the coming days, weeks etc...
Cheers,
Nicki Engel
Hi Melissa! I can see that this blog will be great therapy for you as you begin the healing process. You have been on my mind so much since we left on Friday. Colin's Celebration was a great tribute to his life,,,be it too short. We will miss him.....it just doesn't seem reality to me, and I am not even in the thick of it.....
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong young lady...remember your swimming adventure when you were a little girl ...your word was "tenacity" as you hung on waiting for someone to see that you were struggling below the surface of the water. Well, you will be able to "hold on with great tenacity" as you tread through this bit of troubled water in your life too. And don't forget that you have soooooo much support to help pull you to the side to catch your breath.
We love you and hope you will be able to come and visit at the farm before summer is over.
Give big hugs to Corban and Keegan. :)
Love Auntie Dawna for the Motz men too
Melissa, praying for you and your boys, sometimes hourly. Thanks you for sharing your heart and your struggles.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be nice if someone could have the "magic pill" in some form of advice that would make this all easier? I wish I had the ability to give that to you as well. But encouragement is hopefully the next best thing and I want to encourage you with the knowledge that prayers are flying at ya everyday and that Our Saviour knows your pain as deeply as you do and He loves to comfort his children. I only know from talking to people who have lost their spouses that the weeks following the funeral and the logistics and signatures and etc are the hardest times... when things get quiet again. So be encouraged to know that your process of grief is normal and healthy but no less hard. We are so glad that you have such a huge network to rely on and we pray for the strength you'll need to ask for help when you need it.
Blessings to you and the boys in these hard times.
Love Katie and Travis Orr
Missy. I have done nothing but cry for you and talk about how wonderful the funeral was and how it reflected who Colin was since we got back. Soooo many people here want to know so please know that we are thinking and praying for you in C;port. I intend to come visit when the teams come to Med Hat this Fall!!
ReplyDeleteJoy Foreman
Hi Melissa,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know you were prayed for in chapel today. May it encourage your heart to read that people are lifting you up to God all over this wide country of ours. Can't wait to give you a big hug when we get home.
Blessings,
Lisa (in Halifax)