Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm Stuck...

ahhh, i feel like i just don't even want to face the next few days, it's creeping up and i just don't know if i will ever be ready for tomorrow....but i know God is here, i just hope i can make it through without too much, of, well, i don't know what. Honestly, i am excited for the celebration service, God has orchestrated so many little details, and when it's all flowing together i fully know that God and Colin will be teaching us and pouring into all of us, so be ready to be full! I feel like my tears are stuck, it's the only way to describe it, like i have this huge burm and it's gonna get too full and explode, but i'm just afraid cuz i don't know when that explosion will take place. I guess i've been open and honest with you all to this point, so i will continue to do so....I need to shower and get ready and face this day head and friends trickling in....Corban and i are going to say goodbye to Daddy just the two of us today....please pray for me, for strength and for Corban's understanding and just for the words of Christ to speak to him through me. I am definitely not cut out for all of this, BUT it's not about me, God has HIS plan and perfect purpose, and I have gone too far with HIM to start to doubt now.
ok, this is a short one, just remembering to breath once again, i think i stopped there for a few seconds....gonna go shower....
See you tomorrow! Thank you all for taking the time to be with us there tomorrow, it means so much!
Love, Melissa


  1. I am praying that God gives you the perfect words to say to your son, and He gives Corban understanding. You are doing a good job Melissa. Many are amazed by you and very proud to know you.
    Linda E

  2. I feel like I am going to be missing a very special event tomorrow. I am so sorry that we can't be there. Missy, let the tears come whenever and wherever.
    Our prayers will be with you today as you day goodbye to Colin. We will pray that you find just the right words to help Corban understand and through Corbans understanding you will find strength to breath again.
    Love, Jeanne & Bruce Hillis

  3. It has been my privilege to watch you, Melissa, grow up and mature into an inspiring woman of God. I have been following your blog for some time, but I have been so overcome by emotions that words have failed me. Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers as you have travelled this difficult road. I understand, in part, what these days, weeks, and months have been like for you since my family walked a similar path these last six months. I guess that is why it has been so difficult for me to respond verbally. Just know that our family is upholding you in prayer every day. God is sufficient to meet all of our needs and He will.
    I am sorry that I won't be at Colin's celebration of life on Friday. I am out of the country until Sunday. I know that it will be a very special event honouring Colin and glorifying Jesus. May your testament of faith continue to bring others to Him.
    In Christ's love,
    Glenda Edwards

  4. i know that you will find the right are an amazing mother and woman. Will continue to pray for you and your boys through all of the next firsts.....thank you for continuing to share with us all..


  5. praying for you and the boys today. so much for such little ones to understand and deal with.

  6. Ah Missy I remember very similar feelings. Day before the funeral panic set in and I thought God...I can't do this. At times tears would flow and at other times they didn't. There was such pent up emotion and I couldn't understand why it wouldn't release. It's a process bits and pieces...only as much as we can handle at one time. I will tell you this....Lorne's funeral was amazing. Some would be shocked at that wording but there was such a presence of God and such a simple but strong message at his funeral that I sat in awe and soaked it all in. It was my last chance to plan something for Lorne and so I fretted so much to make sure everything was just so as I so wanted to honour him....and it was. I feel such anticipation for Colin's funeral....sad to have to say goodbye but oh what a testimony he has been. I know without a doubt he heard the long awaited words....well done good and faithful servant.

    I pray God carries you and Corban through this most difficult goodbye. This is tough stuff Missy so don't be frightened by how deep you feel. It is normal to be experiencing what you are right now. Your love for Colin was strong and so you will feel strong emotions. I will also share with you that as tough as it was being a widow that wasn't my toughest battle. My toughest battle was watching my four children grieve and I know you understand that right now. I wish you could have gone a lifetime without having to walk through this but I know you are going to come through this and there will be sunshine again. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and I will pray against fear rising up in you. Let your family help uphold you sweet would do it for them in a heartbeat so allow them to do it for you :) I will say though I remember very strongly wanting to do it all myself in that time span. It is normal.

    HUGS and much love to you. Yvonne Kreiser

  7. I was hoping to come down for the service tomorrow, but both the girls and I have the flu, so we will miss it. I will be praying for you and your family tomorrow and in the days to come.

    Alison Van Dyke

  8. Melissa,
    We are sorry that we can't be there to honor your husband at his service. We are praying for you and your kiddos. May you all feel the comfort of the prayers that are surrounding you. You are an amazing woman, whose faith is so evident!
    Ryan and Andrea Reinheller

  9. Oh how I wish I could come up with some really deep words to help you and give you a huge 'power surge' right now (sometimes my friends and I call that a 'hot flash' but not at your age - we'll stick with power surge).
    I'm sorry we cannot be at the service on Friday, but we will be praying that things go smoothly and you feel a real sense of peace. Will you please come back on and tell us all about it? You are doing so well in voicing your feelings and emotions - they say (whoever they are) that writing/journaling/blogging is a great way to process things and events in our lives. May it be so for you as you face each day. You will be amazed at yourself and how you will find the words for your boys even when you don't think you can. That's what God can do.
    Rambling: I put some chicken in the slow cooker and now my whole house feels like an oven. Hmmm. but it smells good :o)
    Talk to you again.
    God is bigger.

  10. Melissa, I so wish that Jeff and I could be there to meet you and give you the biggest hug...I know that you have a HUGE support system right now please don't be afraid or too proud to ask for their help. Little ones are very smart and as long as you are open and honest with your answers Corbin will understand. The hardest part is watching the little ones try to process what we are having a hard time understanding as well. Please know that Our thought and prayers are with you and your family tomorrow. When everything settles Jeff and I will be down to finally meet you and your boys. Give Mom and Dad a hug from us too Monica and Jeff Cove, Lethbridge

  11. My prayers and thoughts will be with you tonight and especially tomorrow as you say your last good-byes. My heart aches for you and your boys. Have been thinking of you lots these past few days. Sorry I can't make the celebration of Colin's life. I would of loved to be there but I am working. Take care sweet Melissa and may Jesus go with every step of the way. Hugs from Henny R

  12. Our hearts ache for you and your family, Melissa, but rejoice that Colin is whole and is rejoicing and enjoying his eternal home. I shed so many tears as I faithfully followed your blogs and prayed for Colin, you and the boys.

    Like some others have commented before me, words fail me; however, I just wanted you to know that we have and continue to uphold you and your family in our prayers. What a tremendous blessing you have been, Melissa, for the gift that you have in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings. Thank you for being so open and allowing us to see, if we allow God, how he will provide the strength in just the right amounts, at just the right time.

    I prayed today that God would be with you and Corban as you shared a special moment in saying goodbye to daddy, and that God would provide the wisdom that you needed at that time. (I used to love the little visits Corban and I would have in the church kitchen.) Although I never got to get to know Colin, I feel like I missed out on meeting one special man, and was tremendously blessed by his testimony, right up until the time of his life. (Someday we shall meet him). Melissa, it's been said so, so many times already, but it bears repeating, you are a tremendous woman of God, and we pray that God will heal your broken hearts, and give you the strength required to face each day, one moment at a time. Valerie & Garry Holstein (Saskatoon)

  13. You are in my prayers.

  14. hi Missy. I just wanted to let you know that I will not be at the service tomorrow - I so wanted to be there as you honored Colin's life. I woke up with a fierce migraine this morning and it just hasn't subsided one bit! I'm afraid that I would have just become sicker as the day went on if I came. We will be praying for you all day, constantly calling on the name of God to be upon you and fill you with peace. I know the service will be amazing and Colin will be so proud to know that his life will be honored by so many. We once had a friend that said, after his wife had passed away, "I'll be fine as long as people are praying, it's when they stop that I won't be". We will be praying for you continually as you put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe!! God will honor your faithfulness to Him, Colin and your boys.

  15. Oh, sorry, I forgot to let you know who this is! Uncle Curtis & Aunt Joanne.

  16. Dear Missy - your faith has allowed Will and I to embrace God just a little bit more and welcome the unknown. People have said it are a phenomenal woman who has shown so much strength and courage, please don't forget to be vulnerable and scared - it is what makes us all human and honest. We love you and your family and will see you tomorrow - until then be safe and you are in our thoughts.

    Love Shan & Will

  17. Still praying...

  18. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for you and your boys. I'm praying that you will feel the Lord's presence close. Not just in the church but by your side as you have felt him through out all you've gone through. I will also pray that you are all able to rest tonight. Tomorrow you will see how many lives your family has touched.
    praying faithfully
    Michelle Isaak

  19. I think it is so wonderful that you are having "a celebration of life" for Colin. Heaven sure would have had one when Colin arrived so it is very suiting that you send him off the same way that heaven welcomed him.

    We will be thinking of you all tomorrow, and celebrating Colin's life and his legacy that he left behind from afar. You have both touched so many and your testimony and amazing Godly strength will not soon be forgotten.

    Tomorrow will be a difficult day for you, and for the boys. Take a time out when you need too. We know you are strong, but even the strong have weak moments. Allow yourself to fully feel any and every emotion that surfaces.

    Praying that God will wrap you all in the comfort of his arms and carry you through as you say your final earthly goodbye, but only until you meet again because Colin is alive and well in heaven! What a wonderful thing to rejoice in!

    Praying always...
    A friend from far.

  20. Dear Melissa,

    Today isn't going to be an easy day for you, your boys and your families. It is my prayer that you feel God's presence guiding you and strengthening you through this day.

    I pray that Colin's service is a continuation of the wonderful life he led and the testimony of faith you two have so faithfully communicated here on this blog.

    It would have been a privilege to come from Calgary today and support you, though I am a complete stranger. You will be in my prayers as you navigate through today.

    Lori De Witt

  21. I really wish Jen and I could come to Colin's Celebration of Life service today. You and your family are in our prayers.

    Mike Froese

  22. Missy,
    I'm sorry i can't make it to be there with you today! I'm praying for you and your family. Praying for strength for you and understanding for Corban! I love you and wish i could be there with you.
    Beth Dalman (Enns)

  23. Dear Missy,

    It is not easy to say much during these times (sometimes it seems like thoughts are infinite but unspeakable), but from what you have written has proven how Awesome God truely is and how he has helped you and your boys. I am praying for you and that you and your family will have Peace & Rest at Colin's Celebration of Life service. I give you and your little ones hugs from afar.

    May the Lord Bless you and Keep you today and in the future,

    Love Tabitha Maljaars