Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Loud Silence...

I think it just hit me...Colin's really gone. With the business and people around to keep me busy, i've been putting off coming to that fact. He's gone...not coming back, it's something both Corban and i are having a tough time processing. What do you tell a 4 year old when he wants to pass away so he, too, can go be with Jesus and his Daddy. I want him back so much, i know i'm not alone, but there this huge emptiness that just isn't going away. I guess i'm just a bit overwhelmed and exhausted and just trying to adjust to this reality....He's really feels so short the 10 years i had him....never enough time, even if he had hung on to fight more days, it would have never been enough time. And then i feel so relieved that he is whole, healed and free. I am almost excited for him to feel that new and fresh and healthy....He was so brave and faught so hard for so long, he deserves to just rest in the Arms of The Almighty....i'm a bit envious for that...BUT, i have to remember to keep breathing, keep living and loving and laughing for our families and our boys. It doesn't make the pain stop, maybe just a little easier to push through it. I just don't know how i'm gonna do it, BUT I WILL...Oh with GOD's supernatural help, we will weather this storm....i am absolutely terrified, but i am determined to keep going.....i'm not sure where i'm gonna keep going too, lol, but we'll regain some kind of new normal and new routine and me and my boys will just keep truckin through, making sure each day is dedicated to being stronger in Christ.
I just have to go take some time now to cry, that is gonna be my medicine right now, some healing tears and resting in God's Holy Presence!
Love to you all!
oh ya, i almost forgot to mention, i don't want black to be the "usual" staple color at the celebration of life service on Friday....please be confident, like we are, in where Colin is and that he is made new....please dress comfortable and colorful, or just where whatever you want! HUGS!!!


  1. I've never met you Melissa...but I sure hope I can someday soon...I admire you more than I can say! If not, I know we'll meet in heaven someday:)

    I first heard about your story a couple of weeks ago from my cousin Beckie. I immediately found your blog & have been reading it ever since. I've been praying for you & will continue to do so. My heart aches for you & your boys. I can't imagine being where you are and having the strength you have. I admire the strength you have & will continue to lift you up through this incredibly hard time.

    A side note & second reason I would really like to meet you...I just found out yesterday that Colin was my second cousin! I had never met him that I know of, but when I saw another of my cousin's comment on the blog (Caitlin) I asked how she knew him & found out we're related:) So...I'm very proud to call you my second cousin...and someday I'll get to meet you & give you a hug!

    I'm sure you will have many rough days ahead...but I'm so happy for the confidence & strength you have in Christ!!! I'll be praying for you along with so many more!

    Jesus wrap your arms around Melissa & the boys. Give them your peace that passes all understanding. Give Melissa wisdom as she talks to Corban...give her words that only you can give to soothe a young boys heart. Speak to her those times when she feels the most down, remind her how good you are.

    PS. I hope it's ok...I mentioned you guys at church on Sunday (first names only) so that our congregation could be praying for you.

  2. Oh Corban....what do you say?? I pray that God will give you the words to bring understanding and comfort that only comes from our Jesus. I pray that for you too Melissa for these difficult days ahead. Give yourself permission to be weak and to greive and to dont have to be strong right now...our Jesue will be strong for you, draw from His strength, let Him wrap His arms around you and dry your tears...
    Melissa Waechter

  3. Oh Missy when I read your last comment about dressing colourful I smiled. When I ordered your flowers on Monday I told them I trust whatever they put together but my one stipulation was colour. I specifically said make sure there is colour, I told them I just know you would want colour to represent a celebration of his going home. When I read your last posting it all rang so familiar. I remember having those very same thoughts and feelings. Remember what I told you and hang on to that are gonna be okay! Love you lots, and thinking of you daily. Yvonne

  4. I can only repeat exactly what Melissa W said....let yourself grieve. Lean of others right can't carry this burden on your own. Your family and Colins family do not want you to get ill because of trying to hard to take care of everyone and by trying to hold them all up! Please take time to mourn Missy, it is sooo natural and soooo needed! No one will think you are weak, we will only know that you are human! You have already shown us all that you are one of the strongest women that we will ever know, nothing will change that! Love and Hugs to you, the boys and your Mom, Dad,Andy ,Nat!
    Sheldon and Kelly

  5. Laugh when you want, cry or sob when it's time, smile, hug, remember, talk, get angry if necessary and always trust and believe that God is going before you. Let Him carry you right now, and when you're ready, He will walk beside you. Thinking of you and the boys. I will be there Friday.
    Love, Coni

  6. Loving you and continuing to pray for you...

  7. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

    Thinking of you,


  8. Holding you in prayer tonight.

    Love, Lisa

  9. Melissa,

    We have continued to bring you and your boys before our Father in heaven. I pray that God will only allow you to feel as much as you can handle right now. He seems to have a way of letting grief wash over us in amounts that can be tolerated at each point in the grieving process.

    Romans 8:26
    "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

    Praying for you,
    Melanie Wall

  10. Melissa,
    Like many others who are reading this blog and praying for you, we've never met. Jessie Davidson was my roommate in university so I heard a lot about you. More recently, I was connected to your blog through her Facebook.

    In my job as a children's therapist, I work with kids who have experienced trauma of various kinds, loss/grief included. I emailed Jessie a few days ago asking for her mailing address so I could send you a book that many of my child client's have connected with in processing their grief. Hopefully, it will be helpful for your boys, particularly Corban now. I have ordered it and am waiting for it to arrive. I will mail it to Jessie as soon as I get it.

    Praying for you and your boys.

  11. Oh Missy, I pray that you will be able to simply "be" and rest in our loving God's arms during the times of loud silence. Give all your feelings of fear, anger, joy, grief, love, confussion... to Him- He can take it. Lean hard on Him- He wants to hold you, minister to you, comfort you- just as you want to do the same for your boys. His love for you and the boys is even greater than the love you have for them. When you don't have the words to say to Corbin God will speak to his soft, precious heart and Corbin will find comfort in your loving presence and embrace. God will take the brokeness of your family and make something beautiful. Give yourself permission to be broken, to fall into our loving God's arms and let Him carry you and your lovely family. He loves you all so much! Lean hard! God will do the rest.

  12. Melissa
    We have been reading your blog on and off for sometime now. I have been thinking of so many things that you have shared on here and I thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. When you shared on the day that Colin went home to be with Jesus and said you hoped it was okay that you keep sharing I was hoping you would keep blogging and I am so thankful you are continuing to share. I think that writing on this blog will help everyone to get through this time, including you.

    It is so amazing to me your courage and trust in God. I only can aspire to be as trusting of the Lord. Your love for Jesus encourages me to want to be more in love with Him and I thank you for your beautiful example of love and adoration of Jesus and Colin and your boys.

    We are praying for you and the boys and your extend family as well. You are going to make it through and I pray for you that as you journey through this that you will find a new "normal" and you will be so strong. You are strong because you are one with our maker. All our hugs and love to you and yours.
    Katie and Kris Albers

  13. Crying is something women do well and it's sometimes very refreshing. I will be praying for you and Corban. And I will pray God gives you the words Corban needs.
    Praying faithfully
    Michelle Isaak

  14. Melissa,

    I read this almost every day. It helps me so much in knowing how to pray for you. Sometimes I want to write you things but I don't because I don't want to write anything that could be the 'wrong' thing as you go through this time. But I'll risk it today, maybe one or two of these things will in some way connect with you.

    First, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I just pray alot for you. Second, Challis and I will be at the Celebration of Life and we'll be sure to wear some cheerful colors, as requested. We both really want to support you. Third, and I know it is way too overwhelming to even think about this, but I can't wait to see the absolutely incredible ways that God will use you through these experiences, as he already has. Your ability to communicate what you feel is astonishing, and Jesus really shines through you. It stuns me, because I see people in stressful, grieving situations alot and you have so much to grieve but you do it with an incredible amount of grace. Finally, Melissa, let us know about anything you need, ever. Feel like a starbucks? Let me know. Need someone to pick something up for you in a month - just say the word. I think everyone who reads this so desperately wants to give you some aid, whatever or whenever that is. My prayers continue, Meghan Elkink

  15. We are still praying Missy. You are such a good Mama to your boys!

  16. Oh Melissa!
    I hardly know you at all, but what a bright beacon of light shining bright you are! I cannot imagine your pain, and when the tendency of the flesh would be to blame God, you have nothing but faith and admiration and love for Him and His plans! How wonderful, and I hope I can one day be so full of that kind of faith! You are truly an inspiration and you will be one bright star in heaven for Jesus some day!! Reading your blogs puts a lump in my throat, and I cannot tell if it is sadness for your situation and Colin's suffering, or joy at your total love and trust in God! Probably both...
    May God so richly bless you for how you are blessing all these people through your testimony!