A Mish Mash of the Past Few Months!

I'm sitting here at my computer this morning, coffee in hand..or on the desk in front of me...shaking my head at how long it's been since i've sat down to write a post...Thanksgiving! October 8th?~ Wow, has it really been that long??? It feels like just yesturday...there used to be a time when i was so afraid of the dreaded dragging on of everyday...those days when you look at the clock and wonder how only 3 minutes have passed when it feels like 30?? Thankfully those days aren't so often around here... the boys and i have fallen into this really good groove...we have finally figured out how to be a good little team of 3! i'm not saying that everyday is easy with a 6 and 3 year old...but i have figured out how to embrace God's gift of JOY in my life...and it has brought me to this beautiful place of contentment! I have been feeling for a little while like i need to fill you in on the boys...tell you about the growth and changes i've seen in them over the past year and a half since their Daddy has been in Heaven. Our dearest Corban has obviously had the brundt of the pain because he is the oldest and he and Colin were literally inseparable...and there are still things i have very vivid flashbacks about...still even now...i'm remembering parts of what we went through..i guess that's the beauty of getting them in small doses...you sort through them and grieve them as they come...anyways, about a week ago, i was reminded of that moment. The moment i most felt terrified for, and so unprepared to do. The moment Corban walked up our front steps and came through the front door and saw me sitting on the couch (which, when Colin was in his last weeks, i NEVER did). The moment he saw me sitting down, it was instant, he immediately asked where Daddy was, and it was then i had to do the most horrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life...I had to tell my little boy that his Daddy was gone and he could never come back. i'm crying even now typing this...i think that's why this blog has been my saving Grace in processing these memories. In that moment of such extreme pain in Corban's world i prayed he would someday understand that there was nothing else for Colin but to be healed in Heaven, and that we would all try to wrap our heads around this new reality. i will never forget his cry...as a mom , especially with young kids, you have this God-given ability to be able to take away the pain of your kids...That is my job...and nothing i could say or do in that moment and so many moments to follow could, or ever will, be able to take that pain away from my boys...i have these times of grief not for me, but i feel i'm grieving for them...those times and memories they have been robbed of with their Dad. BUT...i am thankful...because we have made to sure to draw near to God in our pain, and He promised that He would draw near to us. And He has...we are in a good place. We can think back and remember Colin with happy faces and not crying hurting hearts. We miss him, so so much, but now we can sit and cuddle on the couch and talk about what our favorite things about Colin were. This is a place that seemed like an unattainable goal at times. I am SO thankful to be in this place with my boys. Just yesturday Keegan and i were getting groceries and while waiting in line a lady made a comment to Keegan about playing with his Daddy...and Keegan smiled so matter of factly and said respectfully, that his Daddy is in Heaven. She looked at me so embarrassed and suprised and i warmly tried to ease the akwardness of the situation...its our reality now, and it's ok...God is good, we are Blessed and we have so much to be thankful for, and i make it my priority to help the boys understand that.
My sweet Corban was at skating lessons last week where they ended the class with getting balloons, and while we were getting our skates off and readying to leave the rink a little girl not much older than 2, accidentally popped her balloon...her face was so sad and her head sunk with such disappointment that she no longer had her balloon...and without hesitation, Corban walked over to her and gave her his balloon...i could not have been more proud in that moment of seeing his heart swell, and that light bulb moment of experiencing how good it feels to give...what a lesson, what a gift! i'm learning to understand the person God is molding him to be...He is so kind, generous and concerned about others and making them feel welcomed and loved...He is a typical firstborn trying so hard to help parent Keegan...which i constantly keep reminding him that its my job and he gets the best role of being big brother and best friend to Keegan.
My little keegie bear is musical and free-spirited, which is in the meaning of his name...He loves to sing and dance, and more than anything he loves to laugh and make others laugh...he, too, is learning to share and figuring out that its better to listen to our rules and evade consequences, for a much happier mommy, and much happier Keegan in the long run:) He is 3, we have our moments, and our days, but he is a blessing!
I have been blessed with both my boys wanting to cuddle ALOT...i won't ever wish away the times when i have SO much to do around the house but the best moments for me is to drop it all and just sit. Sit and talk, sit and laugh, or sit and be silent...but what a gift and a lesson for me. These are those most important times that i won't ever regret taking! Our favorite things to do together has been playing nerf guns, tossing (gently) around the football in the basement which usually ends in a wrestling/tickling match! Corban has found a love for lego and keegan is usually somewhere in his imagination being a brave knight fighting off the dragons that keep popping up all over the house;) Life is so good!

Last weekend, I was able to have 2 dreams of mine come true...some girls i've been friends with for so long, and myself...all went to Las Vegas for 4 days...our mission was to run the Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 marathon that routes along the entire strip and around the sights of VEGAS...13.1 miles seemed like a good idea...Vegas and the race were 2 things on my bucket list, and we were on a mission to do some shopping as well as just take in the sights and sounds of a city that never sleeps! Our trip started with a limo ride which toured us around before heading to our hotel (Planet Hollywood)...WOW...it was like out of a movie! Little ol' Small-town-girl was on sights and sounds overload! There were 44,000 people registered for the race itself...5000 for the full marathon and the rest running the half with the four of us! We were wall to wall people the entire 13.1 miles! Early on, when i realized my high hopes for a good finish time would not be at all possible, i set my goal to run the entire race...i wanted to say i RAN it ALL...it seemed like a great goal for the first 6 miles...but rounding mile 9 i was in tears and every joint in my lower body was SCREAMING for me to stop...BUT i prayed...i asked God to give me the strength and endurance i needed to push through the pain and keep going, to keep my mind strong in the fight i was having within myself to stop...and by 2hours and 29minutes, i had crossed the finish line!! Everything in me hurt...but i think that what was so bittersweet for me was that i was all alone...obviously the 4 of us girls couldn't stay together the whole way through, but the one person i shared my dreams of running too, was Colin...i again, i was brought back to the day we were driving home from the hospital, after transplant, and he asked me a very pointed question.."what do u want? What can i do for u to say thank u for caring for me?" and i said i wanted to run...so that Christmas 2009, he bought me my first "fitted" pair of runners and when everyone was asleep each day for their afternoon naps, i would go for my run...a time when i would zone out, and just be me, with no demands on me or anything required of me...just me and fresh air and my music as loud as i wanted in my ears!
I wore those runners last week for my first race...and i cried when i finished that he wasn't there...something that for one of the first times in my life, i've dreamed of and followed through on...that was emotional for me...i have proven to myself that it's ok to dream, and that i am capable (with a lot of help from my God) to see those dreams happen! So...I did it...but don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean i'm hooked to the races now...i think my 1/2 marathon is crossed off and i have no wishes at this point to do another...someday in the near future i will do my full marathon, but i am content to wait until the freshness of the pain eases from my mind on this one!
The trip and the girls i was with were once in a lifetime, and i am SO thankful i had the oppertunity to go..my parents and Natalie being SO generous to take the kids while i was away! Even though it was anything BUT relaxing, i felt recharged and thankful to have had some time away...it made me better appreciate my role as a mom...it was SO healthy to do that...
As Christmas rushes up out of nowhere, i am SO excited to have the desire to want to stay at home...I didn't have that last year and we were ever so grateful to go to my aunt and uncles' farm in Hanna to get away! But this year, being surround by family and friends is my wish come true...I am completely surrounded by people who love me and the boys and we are this beautiful family who can be real with each other and grow together in our journey's (wherever they may be at) with God! We are happy, but i think it goes so much deeper than that. I have JOY...having gone through pain and our journey of healing, I see the Grace of a God who loves me more than anything in this world, and i have promise after promise that He won't ever let us fall...isn't that what He intended for His Grace to be?! That soft pillow landing from the depth of the pain and suffering that goes on in this world! I have a gift that i am forgiven and that someday me and the boys will get to see Colin again and fill him in on all of our adventures after he left...I have JOY because we have come so far, and we are still going, i'm excited for what is coming for us...for what God is doing in and through us...I have HOPE because of a little baby boy, born so many years ago with a very concrete purpose to save me and all those i love from death, and bypass us right through to true life itself, the way God intended from the very beginning of time...oh to get a glimpse of that life!!! But when i look at it through the perspective of pure JOY, i guess i have glimpses, everyday, wherever i am!
My prayer is for you too, to find that same gift of JOY and God's amazing Grace in this season!
Merry Christmas!!!
xox
Luv, Melissa

SO Full of SO Much Thanks!!

I love those times when i find a thought provoking concept that just makes me excited and inspires me...i think its like the concrete examples that God can show us He is growing us! Sometimes, i have to digest these things in my heart before i get them out...usually in written form...this blog has been my “journal”...so i thank you again for allowing me to bare my soul and share these times of growth and inspiration with others...my prayer is that God can use a morsel of my words to speak to you and bring your heart closer and draw out that intense inspiration that only God can bring!
So i’m loving the beginning of the school year when activites get started again and we can be apart of our community of friends to connect....Wednesdays Mornings, there is a large group of ladies who meet together (along with great coffee) and this is my time to do be with friends who can share their wisdom and experiences...and i’ve been able to get into a parenting book that is already challenging me and breaking down the stereotypes that we silently place on ourselves and on our families. I’ve been realizing that my “ideal” life is a non-existant...but by who’s standards do we place these impossibly high expectations on ourselves...and how much JOY are we robbing ourselves and our families of, by not measuring up!
I was asked to share a bit of my story last weekend at a women’s retreat in Elkwater...and it was there i met a woman who challenged me, yet again, to take a closer look at the standards i’m placing on me and the boys. It convicted me...and it made me sad at the time i have spend wasting on being impatient or busy “doing” instead of just “being”. Its a freeing concept to be completely honest...being “real” is just how i desire us to be...God doesn’t use perfectly put together people, He uses the broken and bruised who are on their knees knowing that the only ideal is to be used and loved by a God who just wants to love us!!
The guest speaker who is from Calgary, at the retreat, introduced this concept of “living loved”....which means that there is this constant buffer because no matter what we go through in this life...we know...undoubtedly that we are loved by our support system around us...that no matter what the risk involved, we can have freedom to jump because even if we fail, we are loved....i think that this concept is so simple yet so profound...isn’t that what God has designed in family and friends and the body of Christ on this earth to be?! We are loved...no matter what....so lets be real...to share when we are tired, angry, hurt or full of Praise....instead of judging and comparing ourselves and others....lets love and create that safe buffer of love....then it occurred to me, I AM LOVED...and i am so filled to overflowing in how that blesses my each and every day!
During the time that Colin was sick after he had relapsed...when we both just “knew” he was terminal...i made a promise both to him and to myself...to keep dreaming, and that by dreaming those dreams, i would commit to the risk...the risk in living my most dreaded fear...single parenting...risking to navigate through this life without him, to seek God in who I am, and risk following Him into the unchartered territory ahead. I committed to not just staying safe but to step out and blindly trust....it has truly changed me, it has brought freedom, and allowed me to really live...for that i am SO thankful!

Please forgive me if this is scattered...i just don’t want to lose what i’ve got in my heart so i need to just express it and pray God puts it into perfect order!
Another weird thought just occurred to me...this is already the second Thanksgiving without Colin...i have to be honest, last year was WAY too quiet and we had no plans...this year it was my prayer to be completely surrounded by family and that is exactly what is happening, some actual family and others my extended family of bonded friends....WE ARE LOVED...and i am SO thankful....Colin is in such a beautiful place, how can i not just be so full of praise for the blessings around us...my heart is so full...we are so very blessed...i have no words to full express that!
That’s why these Holidays are filled with so much more richness and depth...our celebrations are just the extension of what is happening in Heaven!
The most precious thing i am Thankful for is the gift of life that God gave through His Son...
I believe...not because i was raised in this faith, and not because i feel the need to keep the rules and law of any given religion...but because I am a sinner....conflict and worry, my need to control and my discontentment...this sin leads to death without any way out. Jesus, He, is the way out...by taking on all the sin and disease of this world, he cancelled everything, every debt and washed my slate clean by His precious blood and His life...my desire is to live a life that is being inspired by a God who gave His only son to die on my behalf! How dare i keep that gift to myself or keep it contained inside...FOR THIS I AM THANKFUL....for the freedom of being able to have this voice to share it and be real with what makes me excited and truly feeling alive!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love, Melissa

after reading this post back, it literally just spilled out of me...these words exactly how they are, are what is in my heart...untouched in the mumble jumble of it all...but i guess that's how i wanted it to be...just real, and 100% me:)

Is it really almost OCTOBER?!?!?! Where have i been?! Or a better question is "what the heck have we been up too, that i just can't get my act together enough to post more often?!?!"
The highlite of the past month or two was that last weekend, I got to go on a quick "girls" trip to Calgary for the Keith Urban concert!!! WOW! What an amazingly fantastic show! honestly, more than anything i enjoyed being with the girls and just letting go of my world and just zoning out with some amazing music for an entire evening! I had a blast and it recharged me to just regroup and take some "me" time:)That makes me a better parent, and my boys were in the most amazing hands Thanks to my amazing parents. Because i knew they were having a blast and being well taken care of, i was able to do it...that is a blessing all in itself...don't know what i'd do without them! i'm so very thankful!
I find lately with having been busier this summer and not posting blogs so often...I am internalizing a lot more of my thoughts and feelings...which causes those same pot holes of worry and doubt to creep in and tear up a beautiful paved road that I've asked God to heal...sure I have my scares...my road will never be completely free and smooth...but I need to make sure I'm aligning myself with Gods plans...my hearts desire is to share my life with someone I love...I found my hearts desire once and I married him and we created a beautiful life together...simple and full of so much love and life...that pot hole of guilt...in thinking I've had it already once...would I ever be so blessed to have God grant me that kind of love again? I can't worry about those things that aren't here...it's foolish to wish for plans that r selfish...God has to have something more...I have to keep trusting In His plans to be so much richer and fuller than I could ever dream!
I am inspired to once again be content...in whatever stage of life God has me in right at this moment...to truly believe that there is no greater place than this...but what a conflicting place for one's heart to be...I believe God plants dreams in our hearts and desires more than anything for us to dream Big! So today my prayer is that I may be faithful in trusting that God has a master plan and that somehow He has something exciting for me in that plan...and that my dreams and my hearts desires will be moulded out of His hearts desire for me...to let go and let God...and know that beyond this life is the absolute mind-blowing destination that we have been created for in the first place...this earth only being a pitstop along the way to our eternity in a foreverness of hope and peace and anything beyond what we could ever ask for or imagine! Now Try to wrap ur head around that!!! 'gives me goosebumps!'
Over the last year, I have been pushed out into the cold and forced to take a leadership role desperately seeking where God wants me and my boys for the rest of this life...because afterall, it was Colin’s time to go home, but my time is not up, it’s not over, i have to keep going whether i want too, at times, or not. My dad send me this email of a devotional he gets, and it was so perfectly written, and i’d love to share with you!

Key Bible Verse: Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.(Psalm 90:12)
God has the authority to shape a soul with his voice, bind it to matter, and send it into history. And he has the authority to sever my soul from my body and call it to another part of the stage. He has the authority to reuse the matter from my flesh in daffodils. I'm not worried. I'll get more.
There is no evil in his voice calling us to cross the Jordan, whether he calls us singly or in droves. There is no evil when he tells us to lay our first flesh down, no more than when he sends a caterpillar into its cocoon.
To his eyes, you never leave the stage. You do not cease to exist. It is a chapter ending, an act, not the play itself. Look to him. Walk toward him. The cocoon is a death, but not a final death. The coffin can be a tragedy, but not for long.
There will be butterflies.
I will die, and when I do—whether it be in my bed as age creeps over me, or struck by lightning, a meteor, or a UPS truck—[God's] hand will be the one that cuts the thread and shows me the path he blazed through tragedy. His finger will point to the parade.
The biggest lesson i can share with you is how i’ve learned not to be afraid of death, but to instead trust God with my story....in it’s entirety...because now, i’m starting to believe things for me again, i have faith and i trust that God still wants to grant me the desires of my heart...that makes me full of hope!
I will try my best to post again soon!
Love, Melissa

ok, so i know i'm a few days late, but i need to tell you about the coolest thing that happened to me this past weekend! So my aunt is home in Hanna by herself and so she decided to come and stay with me and the boys for the weekend! So we did all the super fun girl things...ya know, stayed up so stupid late and talked each other's ears off...and in those late nite converstations i had mentioned to her that my poor bedroom was in need of a little facelift but i didn't want to paint or do anything drastic...so she told me we would pick out a few things and she would help me make it a pretty space just for me!
well, i can't even describe to you the beautiful room makeover she did....a complete transformation and it is now my beautiful oasis that is pretty and cozy and such a peaceful space for me to unwind! What a gift! She recruited some of my closest friends and Nat and they shut me out of my room for hours waiting to see the final reveal!
Even more than the room makeover, it was SO good for my heart to have our home busy and full of people...seriously, it just filled me to overflowing and i couldn't stop smiling! What a great weekend! I also have to credit my aunt for helping me do a little facelift to the blog as well, and showing me how to upload pics and all that fun stuff! man! i've been missing out on loads of fun with just posting!
One more week until school starts for Corban and this morning we are off to do back to school shopping and some groceries...just trying to keep busy and enjoy the last bit of summertime activites before the fall hits, but to be honest..i'm ready for the everyday grind of routine to come! What a great summer tho!
ok, without further adeu, i will post my before and after pics!




ps...just so you all know, i have never had a rhyme or reason to any bedroom i've ever had...just not creative like that, so this is a BIG dream come true for me!!!
THANK YOU...Auntie Dawna, Christine and Duane and Nat!!! You guys are amazing!

WOW!! I can't believe it's been a month since i've updated this blog! let me tell you, i've been thinking about it SO much but to actually sit down and type is two different things! let me see...where do i begin...
Well i guess i need to tell you about our family holiday to Shushwap! I honestly can't even begin to describe to you how amazing it was! To have two entire families, the Motz's and the Ziegenhagels altogether at the lake!! 16 people ate together every night for supper and we all had a blast just hangin out swimming and skiing, boating and tubing! The weather wasn't amazing and the water levels were so high there wasn't much of a beach, but watching all our kids playing in the water and just being able to 'be' altogether was so refreshing and SO much needed!



I realized something one morning when me and the kids were at the water, just me sippin my coffee and our toes in the sand talkin....i realized that i feel "me" again...i feel healed...like i'm standing and those broken pieces have been healed over into beautiful scares that i won't ever hide or look away from, but i can smile and really laugh and just be "me" again...mind you, i promised Colin and myself that i would make some much needed changes and i am trying my best in making sure those changes become apart of me...things like not being afraid of risks...because whether i fall flat on my face or come out in success...i took a risk and it removes that fear that can literally paralyze a person from truly living! I have learned to be in the moment...that nothing else matters other than that very precious moment i'm in...because i'll never get it back! I have learned to breathe...just breathe and that through those beautiful cleansing, healing breaths, i have strength from my God who guides and protects me each step i take! I have learned that even though i have two young kids, being spontaneous is a pretty awesome thing, and i too, can be pretty spontaneous...i've been able to relax...to lose that worrisome nature that i have always hated about myself...i can be at peace in knowing there's a God bigger than us all who has promise 'little ol me' that HE can figure it all out FOR me!!!
I am also learning to allow myself to dream and i am discovering dreams from my childhood that i have stifled because i have just repeated that they just aren't possible...well why the heck NOT?!!? I can dream, and those dreams can come true! Just you wait!!!
Whoa, sorry, got a bit sidetracked there...where was i? oh yes, holidays, i proved to myself on holidays that i could camp with my boys, not tenting but the 5th wheel we rented was AWESOME and i am officially coverted to that kinda camping!! The 3 of us are experiencing new things together and i am finally confident that i can do this kinda stuff with my boys...so we decided to extend our time in BC and take some extra days to come home, we stopped over in Canmore, stayed in a hotel for the first time just the 3 of us...spent the day in Calgary before coming home and we had an absolute blast together...i feel as though this summer has bonded us in the coolest way, and so now as we enter back to school time, i'm almost grieving that our time is coming to an end, Corban is gonna be full time in Grade 1 and my little Keegie Bear is going to be a lost puppy without his bestest friend and big brother. They are playing SO good together and having SO much fun, sometimes i just sit and watch them, just soak it in because all too quickly they start fighting and wrestling, then back to loving again! it's crazy cute and such an honor for me to parent these two precious little boys!
Yes, as i mentioned so many times before, i have SO much to be thankful for...BUT i'm thankful that God has put me back together again, and He's woven new qualities and changes that will forever be engrained into who i am today...i'm changed, i'm better, i'm whole and most importantly, i'm HIS....and now i'm getting so very excited to see what our next chapter is gonna be...i'm JOYFULLY dreaming BIG dreams, and praying like crazy they all come true!

As i sit and write this post, i have music playing, and Keegan is standing beside me in his little musical zone, making up his own words but keeping tune just singing away! I love these little sweet moments where i can just smile to myself and see such sweetness!
I have no words that could even match what an amazing time we had out at camp this last week! My heart is just so completely full of what i was blessed to be apart of! The love the girls both staff and cousellors showed to me and my boys was just fantastic! To get to know such beautiful girls who were campers! It was an honor to be there in whatever capacity we were able to...Corban and i even got to shoot a bow and arrow and go climbing on the climbing wall together! Adventures and smiles and laughter! Wow, it was just the most perfect change of pace!
God used what material i was able to put together and i was SO thankful to be used however God wanted to use me! Literally, i just have no words, but i'm sure you all can completely relate when you come back from such an amazing camp experience. Unless you were there, there's just nothing you can say that can compare to what it was like! I made new friends and was able to catch up with some long time friends! The time and effort and volunteer energy that it takes to put a camp together is so HUGE and i have nothing but so much appreciation to those who put in so much time and resources to make that week of camp what it was! SO MUCH LOVE to each one of you!!
Now for the mounds of laundry to unpack and refold and put back into our suitcase cuz Friday we leave for a glorious week at Shushwap!! Our first big family Vacation (Mom and Dad and Nat and Andy and kids) since Corban was just over a year! Should be SO much fun! Me and the boys are even going to try our hand at RVing for the week! We have a camp site right close to our Ziegenhagel extended family which we are SO excited to once again to blessed to holiday with! I just can't wait! SO full of some more adventures!
Anyhoo, i should go play pirates, apparently my sword is waiting for me!
Love, Melissa

Summer Adventures!!

Well, the summer is already flying by, we have SO much enjoyed the past few weeks of visiting with friends, splashing in our inflatable pool (mommy included), and just enjoying the heat and the sun! It's been good! Good in a sense that i am so many times reminded of what was on our plates last year at this time, and i am thankful to have had an entire year to separate that stress...we are living simply and I have to tell you it's a breath of fresh air and i am content with enjoying that simplicity!
I was asked a few months ago to be the camp speaker at local summer camp in Elkwater...it's a girl's grades 4-6 camp and as i have prayed much over the last few years, God has entrusted yet another oppertunity to use me...although i feel quite underqualified and unadequate for this role for these girls, I think i've given God more room to move since i already know HE is the one at work, not me. I have prayed for these girls to hear from God and truly be inspired by His love for them...i'm just going to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!
The boys get to come with me for the whole week and i'm using it as a little family vacation for the 3 of us to regroup and get a change of pace and just enjoy each other! I am SO excited!
So, here we goooooo!!!!
Happy almost middle of July!!!
i will update when we get back home and let you know how it went! i'm sure there will be some good stories of our camping adventures!
love, melissa

ps...i also wanted to express yet again, my gratitude for those who have been reading and praying and thinking of our family, as well as those who have emailed or facebooked messages of love and support...It still brings me to tears to know that after an entire year, we are still so surrounded by such a strong extended family! There are no words to tell you how comforting and encouraging that is to me!!!
xoxo

God...Help Us Through This Day...

I know it's not technically July 5th, but i needed to get this post out, before i try to sleep. every time i try to type my tears make it impossible to see the screen and i have to stop to try to compose myself. I just finished reading my post from one year ago...the saddest day of my entire life to date, the day i had to say goodbye to my true love, he took a piece of my heart with him that day...I still don't see that it could've happened any other way, with the pain and suffering he was going through, nothing in me wanted him to endure that any longer...but he's gone...he's gone and he can't ever come back. Still feels like it's a dream...like the fog of shock is still lifting even after an entire year. My worst fears of being left alone and having to be a single mom coming true. I guess there's Praise that has to be given to a God whom i've trusted in to get me through each and every day since He took Colin home to Heaven. I have asked God to carry me through the seemingly impossible task of having to live on after losing the love of my life and HE has done more than that! We have collapsed and cried and knelt and cried for God to heal and we have asked for strength to get up and take His hand to keep stepping one foot in front of the other, we've been able to miss Colin, cry for Daddy to be here with us, but we've also been able to enjoy the things Colin loved with smiles...and Thankfully even been able to laugh from the depths of our bellies and talk about our most favoritist things we loved most about him...We did it...we survived going to bed each nite and waking up each morning not having him with us but having the peace in knowing he is safe and healthy and whole! Laughing with Jesus! We have done our first year of taking off the training wheels to skating lessons with Corban...his first year of Kindergarten, soccer and keegan talking, potty training, finally sleeping through the nite...now rippin up and down the road riding his 'big boy' bike as well! ALthough each moment i knew their Daddy was missing, i knew i owed it to them not to rob them of the joy of the moment! There has not been a day that has gone by that hasn't had thoughts of Colin in it...I am reminded that God never promised an easy ride...it's gonna hurt, but the most healing thing i have done is to just get down to the hurting, and just face it and cry through it...I still am trusting that God is doing what He does best...i don't even begin to understand why he chose these circumstances for our family, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows exactly what He is doing...He loves us, I guess the hardest part is having the patience to stand firm in His promises when there are so many questions, and so many unknowns...i know i have so much appreciated those closest to me...who allow me to laugh and cry sometimes in the same breath...who just listen or offer to help in any way they can! God has provided, in every area, I never doubted that He would...I'm so thankful..thankful for those who have hurt right alongside us all, to help carry us through in order to become better and more equipped to carry out God's plan on the other side!
I've surprised myself...A good friend taught me how to use my lawn mower and weed wacker (although, my dad does a MUCH better job of my lawn...THANK YOU DAD!!!!) I put together a spin bike all by myself...and done so many little 'odd' jobs around the house, that Colin just always took care of...i've put together those annoying toys that Daddy's can just figure out way quicker...i've used my fair share of duct tape, it's kinda my go-to for anything broken! lol! I've come to a place where i'm finally feeling confident that me and the kids can do this...we know our little unit has taken a hit, and we are not whole as God created family to be...but we are so full of love and life and we can smile and laugh and just enjoy each other!
Because, i have to admit, sometimes having the boys was more of a painful reminder of the fact that Colin was not here...each day i would stare in their beautiful faces but my heart would see their Daddy whom i missed so very much...it was so very hard to keep going...BUT there is healing...and i really feel like my sweet Corban, the one we knew before Colin left us, that he's coming back to us, and sweet little Keegan is just so full of love, and now i'm in a beautiful place to fully enjoy them and feel the blessing of having bits and pieces of their Daddy in them...the hurt is lessening and my heart is so thankful to have them as two little gifts!
Although this day is impossible because if i could do anything to rewind the last two years and have my husband back, to have one more hug, one more kiss, smile, laugh.."i love you"...even one more arguement...just to have his presence in our home again...to watch one more Oiler's Game together...cuddle on the couch...BUT i don't, so i'm going to choose to move forward and trust there is beauty rising from our ashes of this trauma in our life...I'm not afraid to face my future head on.. God is still guiding opening doors and closing others...Only one day at a time...just remembering to breath on those days that are a struggle, enjoying the laughter of those easier days! God is GOOD! I have SO much to be thankful for, and SO many blessings!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my sweetness! I pray your celebration will be unforgettable! We all love you down here! We miss you SO much! WE miss you SO SO SO much!

The weird warp of time is just throwing me for a loop, how so many memories can be so vividly clear but how in the same breath it's been an eternity of time since we said good-bye...i can't figure it out, or make sense of it...i guess i don't have to..i will feel what i feel and relive those precious moments and be SO thankful for so many memories!

ps. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me on this "other side" of my journey...it means the world to me that you would still want to check in and read up on how me and the boys are doing...for listening when i need to get those thoughts out! To all our friends and family who are also grieving this day as well...you're in my thoughts and prayers...hang in there, and if any of you need to talk...you know i'm ALWAYS here to listen!!!

Love, Melissa

Well we have seemingly hit another wall of "firsts" to get through on this weird and crazy journey of grief. Since Father's Day has come and gone with again more emotion in the lead up to the day than the actual day...Now that summer is upon us birthdays and BBQ season has also hit...something Colin always loved along with golfing and baseball...my birthday came and went...last year all i wanted more than anything was to have one more birthday with Colin and God granted me that one last birthday that i could spend with him...even from his bed, i will never forget the lists of things he delegated to our family members to make sure my day was perfect and special...he always made a big deal of making me feel special...this year my friends and family made me feel special but there was just this gigantic hole...which probably had something to do with the equally gigantic migraine that hit half way through the day...but my boys cuddled with me on the couch for the afternoon and Wendy's cooked us an amazing drive-thru meal for supper, which the boys were quite thrilled about...so it was a day that i had one mission in mind...get through it...and i did just that...some days have been harder than others, and there are more hard days ahead...but today the sun came up and we are happy and healthy and we'll just take it one day at a time!
We have come off of quite a busy stretch of weeks...i feel like we haven't stopped to take a breath since Corban finished school...it's been a good busy..visiting with friends and enjoying the warmer days!
July is a busy month for us...i have this funny feeling that this summer is going to be a whirlwind of fun and activity leaving us wondering where the time went...but this summer is bound to be a better one than last year and i'm determined to make sure me and the boys have lots of fun adventures together!
Anyhoo, Corban is wanting to eat once again...man, i'm afraid of when he's a teenager...somedays i already can't keep up with his huge appetite! hehe!
Happy Canada Day!
Love, Melissa

The most vividly clear memory in my head of the day Colin died was my first real, formed thought after getting off of the bed and walking out of our bedroom for the very last time with him...was this..."How on earth am i going to survive Father's Day"...I don't know why out of all of the 'firsts' and dreaded lonely holidays and special occasions we would have to face, this one stood out...but i guess Mother's Day and Father's day was our special day to show one another how special and very amazing we thought one another was at being a parent...since our boys are still kinda young to understand the importance of the day, we would do our very best in our own individual ways of making each other feel so loved and special. A day to celebrate the precious gift of being entrusted with these sweet perfect little one's. It also just so happens to be Corban's last day of Kindergarten which is the first real thing that from beginning to end, Colin was not apart of. I'm so very proud of my little man, but so very sad because i knew just how badly Colin wanted to hang on, to be able to take Corban to his first day of school...it's these occasions and day's like today when all the dad's were to go to the school for "Donuts for Dad's", which Papa and Uncle Andrew so perfectly filled in for...and then tonite for my little boy's kindergarten graduation that i think shock is still lifting that we don't have Colin with us...it just shouldn't have to be like this for my boys...it's not fair that they don't have their loving, patient Daddy to be their #1 fan, cheering them on...and spending their summer holidays training for the adventures that only Daddy's and son's get to do together.
I do also need to say Thank you to the males in our life that do give so generously of their time to fill that void with my boys...we are blessed beyond measure, but it does sting so badly to see them have to go through these holidays different from everyone else.
To my big brother Andy...you have risen to the task of not only being an amazing support as my brother but an amazing role for my boys to love and look up too, making sure to not only make time for your own kids, but also make my boys feel loved and cared for from a Dad's perspective! You are incredible and I love you beyond words! I could never say thank you enough for how you and Nat have supported me and the boys! I know Colin had to have chatted with God about your getting the job and moving here, but i bet you that he is missing the fact that he's not here to enjoy you...please keep him in mind on the golf course and in the dressingroom, k?!

Finally to my Dad, who without any word or second thought has helped us in every way imaginable...from making sure you talked with Colin before he passed away and followed through with each one of his last wishes and still to this day you are keeping to your word to watch over me and the boys! From the work you put in to plan the funeral and take care of everything to get me back on my feet through those first few months, to being a phone call away when i had water leaks in my basement to mowing my lawn and taking care of the garage and maintainance around our house. You have been a pillar of strength and faith and I am SO proud of who you are and to be called your daughter! Thank you for ALL you do and for how you love so intensely...thank you for your heart of wanting the best for your kids and the very best for your grandkids....We are blessed...and i pray God's RISHEST blessings over you in the things HE has for you! Thank you for being the Godly example my boys need to see in a man as they grow and thank you for taking over the wrestling role as they get bigger and hurt me:) From the very depths of my being, thank you!!! I love you more than words! Please forgive me for not being in a celebratory mood this Father's Day, but i promise you...we are SO thankful for you everyday of the year! XOXO

Well this emotion that i have been feeling since about Wednesday has finally emerged and the floodgates have opened...i should stop before my eyes get puffy..there are many pictures to be taken at my little man's graduation tonite, i need to look my best for him!!
To all of the Dad's and to those who so generously fill in the gaps for those who need a Father's Love...THANK YOU! You are loved and you are so much appreciated for the tireless work you do day in and day out, to provide for your families in so many ways...THANK YOU!!
Happy Father's Day!
Love, Melissa

Heartbreak is a powerful thing...but i think the stigma that sticks with having your heart broken is that is always has to be an unbelievably painful experience. I have to disagree. What i have come to realize is that having your heart broken brings me to this amazing place of being desperate for anything i can gain in my relationship with my Jesus. Its sad that it’s those painful points if we so choose to use them for growth are the one’s that bring us to the feet of Jesus...i think that was one of the biggest lessons going through Colin’s battle with cancer and how it broke down every wall of comfort and normalcy...i learned to live in that constant state of desperation for setting my sites on Jesus because nothing else matters. If my eyes are focused, somehow i’m not so surprised at the tough stuff in life. He gives me this ability to weed out what really doesn’t matter and feed me with the life lessons that i need to learn and grow from. No verse in the Bible ever promised an easy ride...there were no promises of things being painless...but we do have thousands of promises that HE is with us, and won’t ever allow us to go through it alone, HE promises to guide and protect us from the dangers of what comes to prey on our broken hearts! I am so thankful that i have a constant safe haven. Somewhere to hide and know that there is a God who cares enough to shield me from the depths of hurt that can accompany that dreaded heartbreak. Now, i’m not so afraid of it anymore...i’m realizing that there’s something so safe in just fixing my eyes on Jesus and allowing HIM to sort through the rest of my life. It’s a freeing feeling to be desperately clinging to the only One who has the control in the first place. Free’s me to look around and see so many blessings all around me!
What an honor it was to be apart of our local Relay 4 Life a few weeks ago...our team was really our family...our closest support system of people who carried us through our cancer battle. It was just so fitting to be there, laughing and talking and reliving old memories when life was just simple and fun! And Oh yes, although some had to go sleep to be functioning parents the next day, we appreciated any time from the one’s we love!!! There were 7 of us that stayed awake the entire nite, and let me tell you, i am remotely young still, but honestly...I am not so cut out for all-niters anymore! I guess that’s what kids to do a person! Hehe! It was this beautiful event that emcompassed celebrating the lives of loved one’s and remembering the most amazing people that we miss so desperately each day! My favourite moments were talking to Colin’s best friends and reliving all of those cool old memories that we had over 10 years ago!
I am the luckiest girl in the world...Well, i choose to see as God’s blessing me with friends whom i’ve had in my life since i was in the early years of grade school...not everyday i get to look around and see all those who are close to me have been close to me since i was young....we are truly family now...those people who dropped their lives and put everything on hold to carry Colin and I and our boys...i will say it till the day i die, i am forever grateful and pray God’s richest blessings over each one!
How cool is it, that my family is completely surrounding me....literally, my parents live a few blocks one way and Andy and Nat a bit more than a few blocks in the other direction. My family is one in a million and i look forward to being able to have a random family BBQ on a warm Sunday nite....i’m full, in every sense of the word...filled to the brim of God’s goodness and mom’s great cooking!
This coming week will be Corban’s last week of Kindergarten and it’s hard to believe summer is here and soon, Grade 1 and full time school will come for my little sweet boy! I pray the time doesn’t pass by too quickly...so i can just soak him in! My little Keegie bear is already ripping up and down the street on his big boy bike with training wheels, not even 3 yet, and he’s following hard in his big brother’s footsteps, has to do everything the big boys do!
Anyhoo, i should go...only have a bit of down time before i will fall asleep standing up if i’m not careful...boy oh boy....boys make u tired, but i guess it is kids in general!
Ok! Happy Sunday or what’s left of it
I won’t let it go this long before i write again!
Love, Melissa

Remebering and Cherishing Precious Moments...

Wow, as i sit here at my computer...a ball of nerves and emotions tumbling all around inside of me. Almost 11 months since Colin was welcomed into his Heavenly home...i'm going through pathways of grief i never expected to come up after this time has passed. Just when i thought i was doing ok, i get knocked back by some wave of intense aching. My poor Corban has been feeling it as well. He had a dream a few nights ago, that Colin hadn't left us at all, everything was perfectly normal. As i heard his cries in the night i went to him and asked what was wrong, he asked me so simply to go get Daddy...to my shock i said "what do you mean?" He was comvinced Colin was asleep in my room, in our bed...and how horrified he looked when i reminded him that Daddy was in Heaven. Needless to say i never really went back to sleep that night...sometimes i just ache for my boys, to have their Daddy here, and other times, i ache for me, for me not have to go into each day waking up alone...Just when i think i'm ok to allow God to let me down to walk holding His hand, i'm begging at His feet for Him to pick me back up where it's safe in His arms. What would i do without that hope, His hope...Where would i be if i didn't have His living breathing word to fill me where that dark black hole tries to comsume...Today is a day for our community to come together to be apart of something so much bigger than ourselves...becoming an extended family of friends and families who have been touched by cancer. Relay 4 Life...this is a day specifically for our family and support system to come together and remember Colin...to celebrate what love and life was like when we were SO incredibly blessed to have Colin be apart of our lives...to have closure of what we went through and walk together for so many still going through their journey's. I just never expected for the level of emotion i would be feeling...it is sure to be a powerful event, something we all won't soon forget...a way to give back.
As i was searching for something encouraging this morning in my Bible, i came across these verses and i just had to smile, because it was as if God Himself was cuddling me close breathing the words into my weary soul...
Romans 8:12-17
So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
This resurrection life you recieved from God is not a timid, grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance!! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we are certainly going to go through the good times with him!!!

So now, i'm gonna pray like crazy that God can use me, in our speaking tonite and with each person i have the honor of meeting as we walk with so many others!
For those local people, festivities are down in Kin Coulee Park, starting with the Opening Ceremonies at 7pm...there will be all sorts of things going on all nite...we would love for you come down and share in this powerful event!

Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa

A Mother's Day Moment...

Weird...I never thought that this day..out of any would hit me as rough but yup...this mother's day was just plain weird...I tell ya, it was nice to sleep in, my parents had the boys for a sleep over (and they woke up SO early for them, i'm so sorry for that), but as i was getting ready for church, in an all too quiet house, it was both a mixture of relaxing and twinges of sadness...usually Sundays were my days to take my time to get ready and feel pretty, and all while i was getting ready upstairs i would hear Colin and the kids with laughter and playing...then when i was all ready, i would come down the stairs and when Colin would see me, he would tell me how beautiful he thought i looked....I miss that, the "coming down the stairs" moments...
But this day, i celebrate my mom whom I have looked up too and admired since i was old enough to appreciate all she has done in our lives. She truly is the SUPER glue that holds us all up and together. She is my rock, the one i tell my everything too, and share all my highs and lows with. It is ONLY her, who can talk me down from worry and fear or laugh with me when i do those "blonde" moments. She is my best friend, and there is not a day that goes by that i don't count my blessings in knowing i have the most amazingly beautiful crowning jewel who is my mom!
I also can't forget to mention that i have so many women, amazing women in my life who have touched me in so many ways, and loved us just by showing me how they mother and how i can be better. These women are my sister in law's and my girlfriends and my mentor's and my family and i thank God for you all today! I pray God's richest blessings on you for shining so brightly your most beautful qualities in being amazing Mom's!
Happy Mother's day!
Love, Melissa

We did it! We did it!!!

Well...we made it out to Winnipeg and back home again all in one piece with amazing memories and the feeling of having some really fun adventures under our belt! Honestly, it couldn't have gone more perfectly! We had a great visit in Regina with family and had a minor hiccup of Keegan having some tummy trouble, so with little sleep and having made a pile of laundry for my poor pregnant sister in law, we started to Winnipeg! I think i heard more than a million "are we there yet, Mommy?!" and "How long till we get there mommy?!"...hehe, but the boys did more than amazingly and we made it there to find sunshine and 22 degrees the entire time we spent in Winnipeg! What a beautiful home my bestest friend Sarah has made for her and her husband and her two precious little girls. The kids played fantastically together and we had the best time just talking and catching up and reliving old memories! My friend Sarah is one of my oldest friends, having been close to me since grade nine...she knew me before i met Colin, and she knew and loved Colin as well and we actually introduced her to her now husband, Darren, whom we went to college at Briercrest with.
We had a busy week of Zoo adventures complete with a picnic in the park and a game of soccer to finish it off...we played in the sandbox and went to the park and even played some ball hockey! After the kids were all tucked in bed each night we would laugh and cry and pick up right where we always leave off, I love my sweet Sarah!
We decided to take a chance and head the entire way home on friday and boy oh boy, did my boys do incredibly! we made it in just under 10 hours and we had a nice quiet down day in the van watching movies and just relaxing a bit! We were greeted home to my sweet parents waiting eagerly to have their fill of cuddles that they missed from a week of not seeing the boys and thankfully they helped carry our load of stuff in for me!
so, we r home, safe and sound and I have to say i'm more confident than i left a week ago, i did it, i took my little family on an adventure we will not soon forget and with God protecting us the whole way, we did it! YEAY!
It's good to be home, but i'm so glad we did it!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Family Road Trip!

Can you believe almost an entire month has gone by?! Time, aside from our ugly weather, has been just going at a crazy pace! It seems each new day brings a busy "to-do" list with it, but it's kind of a welcomed pace! Our basement developments were started back in January or early February are coming along quite nicely, and this week there will be carpet installed! God has blessed me all along the way with little gifts that He's taking care of me...with painting and contracting work and electrical...just His way of saying, you can do it and i'll provide the people to help you! It seems to be a theme this spring...feeling ready to stand strong in who i am as a Mom, and also who i am in Christ. So fittinly, i've decided to take our first road trip, just me and the boys...so i've decided, seeing as one of my bestest friends lives out in Winnipeg and we'd have a blast spending time with her, this would be the perfect destination for a road trip! Now that Keegan and Corban are both talking a mile a minute, i'm sure to have some points of regret along this stretch of highway, but we intend to split the trip half way or there abouts...Colin's younger brother Kris and his wife Jennie live in Regina, where we will be staying overnite and then going the rest of the way the next day! I think this change of pace on this long Easter break will be exactly what we all need! Just to get away and be with great friends!
I think it's a way of proving to myself that i'm more than capable and i'm SO ready to have adventures with my boys! Don't worry i have lots of snacks and movies packed!
So, with that news, we are doing good! The boys are both a joy and an exhausting workload, but i'm trying to enjoy each day, too! They keep me on my toes, that's for sure! We are eagerly awaiting some nicer weather to be able to get out more and just enjoy our yard and hopefully soon, our little inflatable pool! Wishful thinking at this point, but i thought i'd throw it out there! lol
anyhoo, here a little food for thought, literally from 1 Peter 1:3-9 (The Msg.)

"What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father, our Master JEsus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven-and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all-life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggrevation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him-with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation."
Happy Easter!
Love, Melissa

A New Day...

So i think i need to give a 'Thank You' to my Auntie Dawna, who respectfully informed me a few days ago that although she enjoys reading my blog, it was missing the "Me" element! Ok, then it occured to me, a flashback if you will travel with me...to the exact time Colin created this here "blog". We were exhausted from the dozen upon dozens of phone calls and trying to get the word out about what was happening in our world, when Colin's mom suggested we create a blog to have a detailed account straight from the source on all the details. Then we only had to share it once, and whoever wanted to find out could read the facts. I remember sitting down at the computer with Colin, i was sitting on his lap, while he was fussing with the template and the color font and background. Weird. It's so weird how tiny little details come flooding back seeping with so many specific little things that i can remember. It's like it's palpable...i can remember everything that happened in those moments. It's been an entire year since Colin had his relapse, which has affected me in a whole other dimension i never really thought it would. I remember what i was doing when deep down in my heart of hearts, i knew that the cancer was back. Even though it was 2 weeks after that, that we had gotten rediagnosed...The second time around was the most intensely horrific and painful thing i have ever experienced...it's those flashbacks i almost have to choose not to relive, because i find myself spiraling into a tailspin of pain, and it stings more than i want it to. I think it's good though...those memories keep me grounded in the very real fact that all we have is this day in front of us...i need not worry, i don't think i can have that tug-of-war with a God who so perfectly takes care of all of the details in my world with little to no need for me at all! BUT that HE chooses me, little ol' me, He wants to show me His love in each day and use me for His purposes to love so deeply those around me! What an honour! I remember thinking so many days in the hospital how refreshing it would feel to just be able to be a friend, to love with nothing holding me back, those around me! There was nothing i wanted to do more than love the way people were loving us! Now i get to do that, everyday!!!! That is the biggest blessing and God has given in this recovery process~such a gift! I love seeing each day as an open door, endless possibilities, makes me smile with all the adventures that await us!
Anyhoo, i'll see what i think about this new Blog layout, seemed fittingly springy, hope the weather follows suit!
Love Melissa

I'm listening to the most amazing song by Sean McConnell, "Madly In Love With You". To me, it's a love song from my loving Jesus...i discovered it just shortly after Colin went to Heaven. At first it made me cry, healing tears, missing Colin tears, but now, as i listen to it, it makes me smile. A comforting feeling knowing that my Jesus and my beloved Colin are both up there, hangin out, speaking to me through these words! Some of the words are SO rich with comfort, about how I wish i could understand what the plan is in it's entirety, but that i need not lose my faith in the God who knows ALL, but cling to those little things. Like the sun shining, or a beautiful morning sunrise, a kiss and a hug from my boys, being around my family and friends and the people i love and who love us. Those are the things that God uses to show me that He's so completely and madly in love with me! His love is seeping out from every area of his creation, if only i can switch my view and set my sights on those things! Nothing else seems to matter much when i'm choosing to surround myself in that all-encompassing love that is mine for the taking!!!
The sun is trying it's best to come out today, it's been a few days since i've seen it...and felt it's warmth...i miss that yummy warm sun! i'm hurtin to have it peer through my windows in the mornings while i have my coffee!
The boys are doing good! Corban is loving school these days, i'm headed to school with him tomorrow to be his parent helper for the last time in his Kindergarten career. I can't believe that he'll be finished his first year of school in a few short months! My Corban is growing up so very fast, i feel the need to press the pause button, but he won't have any of that, he's determined to be the biggest boy he can be, helping with his dishes after meals, with helping care for keegan...but my most favorite part, is that he's always up for a really good cuddle with mommy! i pray he doesn't grow out of that anytime soon! He still blows me kisses from the window on his school bus...almost makes me cry, as i know those days will be numbered...hence the need for a short time with the pause button on....i am, however, looking forward to have Nat and the kids here this summer...oh boy, i don't know if she quite knows what she's in for, i'll have her days so packed full of swimming and parks and sunning ourselves...i can't wait! Maybe it's my intense need to have a much-needed visit from Mr. Sun!!! lol...oh boy, i should go...Keegan needs some help with his lunch. i'm finding that although he is intensely independent with the majority of things, he still needs mommy...which i'm grateful for, he's also so cuddly and i pray it doesn't get grown out of anytime soon...there's nothing closer to heaven than having them in my arms being cuddled up under a blanket! Mmmmm...LOVE!!!
ok, well i should go here, only so much time before the rowdiness comes out and they have to be reeled back in to sit and eat their lunch!
Happy Monday!!!
XOXO
Melissa

So...How bout that weather hey?! hehe, ya i'm thinkin this winter is getting a little old as we round out the end of MARCH!!!! But, as the snow fell at the beginning of this week, my boys have been such good sharer's of the nasty chest cold going around! It was a good quiet week to stay home and get them back to 100%...well mission accomplished with Corban, he's back at school today, but my poor little Keegan is a few days behind him, still fighting a high fever and laboured breathing..he always gets it worse, this too shall pass! Lots of fluids and even more cuddles should do the trick just nicely! Seeing as how the stretch from January until now has been some of the longest i've covered so far, i thought that this latest bout of sickness would make me miserable...but i'm learning a really valuable lesson...it's more of a gift than anything else.
I think i've been going about this concept of God's Plan for my life all wrong, or just a little backwards. I always think in future tense..."I wonder what God has for my future, where He's going to take me?!" but it just occured to me that each day is all I have. Every moment i'm awake and breathing is God's future for me...an unfolding plan. My purpose. What an unsettling thought...In God's mind, He has such dreams for each moment i'm breathing but when JEsus was sent in our place to die for all the crap in this world, God's beloved people suddenly also were blessed and cursed with a choice. A free will to decide how we want to shape our each and every day. I'm convicted by how much time i waste busying myself with tasks when i have the blessing of being at home with my boys, or when i have the choice to wake up with a smile and thank God for the coming day, and instead i, "put on my grumpy pants" (as Corban so eloquantly describes it). What rich blessings i'm missing out on, by my own choice...my hat goes off to those single parents and those mom's and dad's who are separated by work that have to hold down the fort alone, it's not easy, but God never ever promised easy. He promised He would walk with us, go before us, carry us...there are so many moments that i look up and think that Colin was my better half in more ways than i can count BUT again, God is reshaping my thinking in removing my need to prove to myself that i can do this...To letting go and giving up that control to HIM! By choosing to be teachable and moldable and submitting to a God who loves me more than i could ever understand or imagine. I need to be honest though, this parenting thing is hard, and on days like the past couple that we've had, it's all i can do to just get through and slump in a pile at the end and count it a triumph that we all survived! God has more...if only i stop and look around...still myself long enough to recieve it. This is a lesson i'm gonna keep trying to get...and when i fall flat, yet again, which i'm guarunteed to do...the beauty of His Grace is sufficient, especially for me! Thank God for that!

ps...i'm on the road of conciously choosing JOY, Thanking God for my days, and i can't tell you the peace, contentment and happiness i have...i'm excited to see what God has for each day...where those "little blessings" come up, they don't seem so little to me anymore, they are the mountain tops of my day! I have a renewed sense of purpose that God can use me, simply just by being open to recieve how i can show His love to the people He has placed in my life, and to my boys...it's not gonna be perfect, but all i have is this day, and all God asks is that i try...so that's what i'm gonna do!
Love, Melissa

So, i have a confession to make, these next two posts have been previously written out on my kids contruction paper upstairs in bed...it seems that i still have issues with my sleeping or lack there of...and i refuse to use the word insomnia, cuz i just don't like the way it sounds...i'm just having some problems falling asleep at times. (I think when i write it out, it sounds more like denial, but i'm ok with that!)
So anyhoo, late at nite is usually when my mind is racing i get so many things that settle in my heart, so i use the time to mull it over and pray about what God wants to show me...so here's some stuff that i've been thinking about in my late nite quests for sleep!

We all have a story. A story to which is distinctly our own. Have you ever wondered when you are stopped at a red light, what the person in vehicle next to you is going thru?! I do, i thought about it all the time when our life stopped and we began fighting cancer. I used to think that if we, in our twenties, supposedly in the prime of our lives with an open road of possibilities ahead, could have our world haulted so abruptly, i can't imagine the pain and suffering happening all around me or in the same breath the happiness and joy as well! That very thought changed me...it caused me to think before i reacted in impatience or anger and extend grace and love because i just will never know what is going on in the lives of those around me...because i can relate, somedays it goes SO much deeper than just a bad day! The cliche saying of how when babies are born and at the same time people are taking their last breath...i thought of this the day Colin died. On the saddest most devastating day of my life, that very day was the most beautifully amazing day in someone else's. One's perspective of reality is directly affected by what's going on around them. It's in these specific season's of life that God uses to shape who we are and who He has dreamed for us to become! The pain doesn't last forever...blue skies do come, but no matter what the weather or season in life, i think the key is to keep looking UP for our direction and keep praying like mad that we are covered in His Almighty Hands of protection no matter how good or bad life gets.
One sunny day in June of 2009, God took my Grandma home to Heaven and a few short hours later our little miss Myla (my niece) was born. What JOY in it all. Of knowing that one dearest loved one had finished her race and one sweet little girl was just beginning. God, in all of His infinite wisdom knew the JOY and celebration and He so strategically put this all in such rich and amazing perspective for our family. Looking back my heart is so full of thanks and my eyes have tears of knowing the comfort in God's perfect timing. On that day in June, only God knew the road we were all about to travel, that in August of that same summer everything would dramatically change. He had such a special way of using little Myla as this incredible ray of sunshine in our darkness, and together with all of our kids, we focused on the amazing promise of God's brightest future for each one of them, celebrating every little milestone and soaking in all the love and simplicity that each of our kids had to offer! What a blessing!
I can't say enough about my family, but it takes pretty darn special people to drop everything and do whatever is needed to carry us thru...and with such close knit friends surrounding us, we were all able to come through carrying each other on the other side!
I can never repay you for being there; i am and always will be eternally grateful..and i will never be the same because of your love! It's because of you that only solidifies my conviction that there is a very real God and even though bad things do happen in this, our fallen and broken world, He loves us so very much! The exciting thing is this love that i have experienced is only the tip of the ice berg!!!!

Choosing JOY!!!

Whoa...so i've been running into people who have been so thoughtful to tell me that they are still reading my blog posts and then they say in a roundabout sort of way that they are looking for an update...this has been on my "to-do" list since the beginning of last week, so i'm thinking i need to get it done! hehe!
We have been so refreshingly busy! The last week was full of media things for being involved with our local Relay 4 Life through the Canadian Cancer Society...Dad and i had the oppertunity to do a TV interview, which for Dad is not so new, BUT for me, this was my first time doing anything like it. I have to say i was horribly nervous, but once we were there, it was so much fun and very cool to be a part of! Then Dad and i also spoke at the Launch Party for the event as well! What amazing people whom we get to meet and who are working so tirelessly on putting such an incredible event together! I am working on putting some teams together from our support system, so i'll be in touch with details for sure! i am very excited to be able to give back and be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves! It's going to be a powerful way of celebrating Cancer Survivors and to be able to remember and honor those who are no longer with us! God is SO good to allow Dad and I to be sharing our story...i think i am so grateful to be hearing of other's stories as well! What hero's are amoung us and so many hero's we will be honoring!

I'm also learning how incredibly blessed I am to have had the most amazing mom! It's kinda scary how parenting has come back full circle and those things that drove my mom crazy while she was raising Andy and I are now the very things that are driving me absolutely nuts! How eerie it feels to be saying those exact words and hearing them echo from my mom's mouth years ago! I try to tell myself, if i can do just half the job she did, i'll be successful, and I pray even harder that God will protect and keep my boys and help me to raise them up to be powerful Godly men, to influence many and show the love of Jesus wherever they go and whatever they choose to do! What a responsibility to have only one shot at! yikes, there's a lot of pressure when I think of it that way!
It does take a villiage, and what an inspiring villiage we have around us, we are in good hands...I remember a talk that Colin and I had in his final days...he wanted me to know that he wasn't at all worried about leaving us, because he knew full well that we have such great people around us, we'll be ok, we ARE ok, God is SO good! This past week in all the comings and goings and business, it was one nite before bed first Corban then keegan followed, errupting into tears. It has been a long time since our last "Missing Daddy Meltdown"...but now that keegan is talking, it made it doubly heartbreaking because both boys were crying and wanting to have Daddy back. I am finding that the more the boys are growing, the less room i have to cuddle the two of them together during these times. My little keegan kept repeating, "Want Daddy to come home". It just ripped my heart apart to hear it from him. BUT It was just a good healing time to cry, to think of the things we love about Daddy and how thankful we all are to have had Daddy for the time we did...then we prayed that God would continue to heal our hearts and that we could wake each day and choose JOY and that God's JOY could be our strength when we miss Daddy! Then as i tucked Corban into his bed, and hugged him, we talked about who we were thankful for, and those who are here that we spend such great time with, making new really fun memories! We all were able to smile and go to sleep thankful for the MANY rich blessings we have around us...I have to say it again, God is still SO good! I pray that you don't need a crisis to see the richness of God's goodness around you and to be able to hold onto it like you're life depends on it!
All we have is each new day, my prayer lately has been to fully grasp the JOY that God desires for me...to smile so much more and to enjoy whatever we are doing at that moment...speaking of which, i'm being summoned to play some ministick hockey in our bonus room, Corban's a great golie and i need to take some shots and put him in his place, for a few more years, i am still able to beat them....not for long, so i have to take advantage now! hehe!
I can't say enough how thankful i am for the one's who care to follow our journey...this life is so far from simple but that's where the crazy adventure comes from and i'm determined to enjoy it and savor the time we have as a family! I'm excited to see what God has for us!
Love, Melissa

Something that's on My Heart...

Ya know when you have those days, when it seems all is right with the world, like finally something you’re telling your kids is sinkin in and somehow it feels like you’re moving forward? (honestly, who am i kidding, it may feel like it, but i’m not sure what is really sinkin in..maybe on the 10th or 12th time of saying it...i’ve lost track already...lol)
Maybe it’s those glimpses of The Joy of the Lord that God desires us to have each and every day....could you imagine?! I think it’s become this far off dream of ours that this type of Joy in each day is somehow impossible to attain and even harder to hold on too. The weird, yet common sense thing about it is, I’m thinkin God must be just beating His head against a door because this is probably, simply, what He wants most in our everyday lives.... for us to wake up, say “good Morning, Lord, I choose Your JOY to seep through every aspect of my life and my day, Protect me from being robbed of that JOY You so desire in me”. It comes back to the very point of the intense power of Praising God through each and every circumstance, but then why is it so hard to adopt into our daily living?! It’s a trickledown effect, when we have that JOY, we want to Praise, and we want to believe God to do amazing things in and through us......i think once we’ve caught a glimpse of how it tastes, it becomes harder and harder to let go of and forget about. I think this is the nature of God Himself. That once we taste HIM and His Grace and Love, which we can’t help but want more of that peace and that JOY only HE gives. Too many people look at faith as this chore, like it’s somehow requires you giving up everything that makes you, you, and you no longer can be who you are. But the sad part of that thought is that God knew you before you were ever created, He spend so much time dreaming about your heart, your likes and dislikes..what makes you happy, what is important to you...HE knew before your life began the circumstances that would shape who you are today, and HE loves you more today with all that baggage and life experience than He did the day he dreamed you into being! I just think that our narrow-minded thinking of faith has blanketed all “religions” and branded and robbed people from entering into a really cool friendship with the God of the universe...How many belief systems can say that...I am a friend of God’s! He and I are on speaking terms, we talk, we have a relationship, and a friendship, and it’s up to me how deep i want to take that! So He not only desires to be a part of every area of my life, but He allows me to move through this relationship on my terms?!?!?! Whoa...The thing i’m thinking, is i’m just human, i’m gonna mess it up just like i mess everything else up when i try to do things on my own accord! Yikes, He must love me a whole heck of a lot to do this at the snail’s pace i’ve set before Him...all i’m learning is that He really doesn’t require much...that maybe the 20 something years i’ve been immersed in this faith has actually taken me further away than realizing the simplest of beauties is right in front of me...so pure, so rich, and so full of the most amazing blessings, if only i just accept that Great Loss, God endured by choosing to give His son so we wouldn’t have to face the end that was set up for us...that death doesn’t actually mean death at all, but the start of life, itself...true life, forever of the most amazing life we could ever imagine....and He asks nothing of us but to just believe that He did it for US!!! I don’t think it gets any cooler than that right there, if that doesn’t give you a glimpse of JOY, i don’t know what will. There is something to be said about having the bottom taken out from underneath you that will bring you to the very breaking point of forgetting everything else you “thought” mattered, and dumps you right back to the basics of what it came down to in the very beginning! Doesn’t that make you wanna share this friendship? I sure wanna make sure i’m good and close to the God who know’s what’s before me, and behind me, and beside me and who know’s how to fix the world of damage i manage to find myself in the middle of. It makes me pretty darn thankful, and i really want to Praise a God who has the kind of power to fix it all and still bless me through it....but those blessings i think, are in the journey of finding that closeness...discovering the heart of who God is, what He wants, and what He desires for us as His Beloved!

ps. Hope you can make sense of what's going on in my head...just felt like i had to share it!
p.p.s. The boys and I are good, trying to keep busy, praying spring will come before we either Freeze, or go crazy! haha!

Sweet Memories...

Wow! What a weekend! Our family went back out to Caronport to be apart of an Alumni Tourney being put on to raise support for the Athletics scholarship in Colin's name. What an honour to be a part of such a great weekend! I hadn't really realized it at first, but i have never been out to Caronport without Colin being with me. It was quite strange not to have him there, i honestly kept thinking...he was just working or something, and making mental notes of all the stuff i had to tell him when i got home...caught myself a few times in those thought patterns! It was weird but not in a bad way, it was this "step back in time" type of feeling when life was so much fun and carefree and simple! I forgot just how much fun and amazing memories we had from that place! It will always have a special place in my heart! I was asked to speak at the Banquet on Saturday night, which gave me a perfect oppertunity to share who Colin was and just a bit about our journey for those who didn't know him or hadn't played hockey with him. I am so incredibly thankful for this oppertunity, because it was an answered prayer...i had prayed many times in my travels back and forth to Calgary and home, that this experience would not be in vain, that we wouldn't have to go silently...that God would use our experience and raise up new believers and encourage others fighting their own battles. What a privilege it was for me to be able to share, i think the blessing was in God providing me the chance to do so, having answered my prayers from so long ago...HE is faithful, I had a great time! Thank you to all who were involved in putting this weekend together and to all who came from near and far to be apart of it!
The kids did great as well, and we had some of my family and some of Colin's family there to visit with and just enjoy catching up and relaxing at the rink together! It stung a little bit to be at the rink watching hockey, because the last time i watched any kind of hockey, Colin was playing...i miss it, i miss the atmosphere of a good hockey game! I miss watching Colin play...
It was great to get out of town, but equally great to get back home and feel refreshed for another week...
On that note, laundry is calling my name and the kitchen looks like a bomb blew off in it, so i must keep on with my day!

Love, Melissa

Whoa! it's been a bit of a stretch without an update! I better get on that now then! Well, dare i say we have a teeny tiny window of time while the boys are healthy again to get out and be social again?! "START THE CAR" haha...that silly Ikea commercial comes to mind. Man, January was a tough one this year, but i remember thinking last year, when Colin was in the thick of all his treatments, they would allow him to go home as long as no one around him was sick. Seriously?! What kids don't ever get sick, and of course so was the case, we wouldn't tell the Doc's our kids were sick cuz Colin didn't want to risk not being able to go home, so he would risk his own health just to get there. So the maddness of hand washing and lysoling after each germ filled hand touch something Colin would touch began...wow, i still can't believe how i didn't go crazy cleaning up after each of them, or how my hands didn't burn off with the lysol amounts that i used! So in a late night cleaning rampage, i remember sitting on the stairs after finishing the railings and light switches and crying into my hands...vowing that when we were able to relax a little more, when a break would come, and the kids were "allowed" to get sick...i promised myself it would be the most freeing feeling, and i remember thinkin i won't worry anymore about it, cuz God obviously had that area under control! So, to be honest, although the days were long, i was so happy to just be free to have "sick days" again with my kids, and not have the anxiety of how this would affect our family time or how fearful i was of how it would affect Colin's health. He's all good! No sickness can touch him again! AND the worry is God's to take from me, that in itself is a huge weight and a freedom that i am spending each day basking in!

So long story short, the past few days have been busy, just scootin around town getting stuff done, along with some much needed catch up time with great friends! it's amazing how much that lifts a person's spirits! This week will be another busy one and on Friday my family and i will head out to Caronport and meet some of Colin's family there to spend a weekend at an Alumni Tourney at Briercrest in Colin's honour. This will be a fundraiser for the College Athletic Scholarship started in Colin's name. It will be very cool to be apart of and i am hoping to see lots of people we went to school with and catch up with lots of guys Colin played hockey with over the years! The best part will be to see the new rink that Colin would spend countless hours dreaming of and wanting to go and play in!
Anyhoo, we're doing good, just pluggin away, taking it one day at time, it's good!
Happy Monday!
Luv, Melissa

Winter Blah's

So...another dump of snow only compounds on the massive amount we already have around here, adding also to the mounting "slump" that the month of January brings. Yuk...yuk to be having to be inside so much...yuk to not seeing the sun as much as we're used too, yuk that again the kids are fighting some form of the cold/flu that just hangs in waiting until we're almost free from it's grips...again....YUK! What i usually try to do is keep busy when this happens, but with another cold snap and the kids being already sick, that's just not an option. So home it is...again...oh boy, i guess that's when i have to bring in the BIG GUNS, i'm feeling the need to have a dance party with very loud music and singin loud with my boys...sometime today i'm sure that will be in order. It always seems to lift our moods and kill some time when we are feeling a little bit "shut in". For now, Keegan's down for his nap and Corban and i are going to have a little Super Mario Bro's date with the Wii...that should bring some good quiet time for us all!
Happy Sunday!
Love, Melissa

Happy 30th Birthday My Dearest Colin: Thank you for making every season of the life we shared together absolute perfection! Feeling your love, seeing you smile and hearing your laugh are missed by each of those who knew and loved you....after years of waiting for your chance to shine, Jesus called you home with a standing ovation...i was just so very glad to have called you mine!

Today is a day i'm planning on keeping busy, being occupied...i've been able to have this special day to spoil Colin on, for 11 years....i feel so weird because i loved that it was my job to spoil him and make him feel so loved! It stings my heart to know he's really gone, and that point so everpresent as these special days pass us by. I was ok for Christmas...but his birthday is something different..i don't know what it is, can't put my finger on it, but my heart hurts today and when the hurt dulls the sting starts...but i'm determined to smile and lean on our best friends and have the comfort of my family all around me...God is SO good!

To all of you who knew and loved Colin, i'm praying blanket prayers over us all today, that we would be able to face this day with the JOY of knowing where Colin gets to spend his Birthday this year. He's safe and whole and healthy and strong...HE'S HOME!!!! There's nothing more i would want for him!

Thank you for allowing me to lean and for giving me such encouraging words to keep going...God uses you in powerful ways!!! Just Breathe, right?! Doing just that as I type!

Happy Birthday Colin, thinking of you always!!! There is not a day that goes by that you're not being thought of and loved...I promise to keep your memory alive in our hearts and in the lives of our little boys!!!
Love, Melissa

ps...so Corban shared with me this morning that because Daddy was turning 30, and it was such a big number that he was definitely bigger...and he thought he was now ready to start growing a beard...lol...oh the random thoughts of kids!

Birthday Wishes...

ok, so i have to tell you about the coolest thing. This passed Saturday, a couple of Colin's best friends wanted to plan this really fun day to celebrate Colin. Since it would have been his 30th Birthday on this coming Wednesday the 26th...so we wanted to make this an event to remember and enjoy and celebrate...WOW...Clark and Renate Kurpjuweit hosted the 1st Annual Team Burritt Winter Classic, out at their farm. Clark spent countless hours plowing and flooding a homemade rink...down in the gully just behind their house. When we got down there, they had a fire going and music blasting and people were just hangin out and enjoying the day...when i walked to center ice on this amazing little rink...there was this beautiful Oiler's logo etched into the ice surface, but instead of the Oiler's Name, it had Colin's name in the center with Team Burritt written around the top and Ps. 23 rimming the bottom...wow...if only Colin could have been there, the day was pure magic, bittersweet and i felt like i was in this dream, still coming to grips that Colin was in fact gone...BUT i know he was there, he was looking down from the most fantastic seat in the whole place...and i could feel that beautiful smile that we all know and love of him!!!! His laugh would have been out of this world to hear! We laughed and cried and visited and it was a great chance to catch with people i haven't seen in so long! If you want to see the logo, i have it posted as my profile picture right now on my facebook page...i can't quite figure out how to upload pictures to this blog site, but i will make it my mission so you all can see it and enjoy it!
I couldn't believe how hard it was for me though, packing up his jersey so i could wear it for him...bringing along the sticks that he cut down and taped up and made for our boys...he should've been there, he needed to be the one playing pond hockey with the guys!!! We all miss him SO much but it was such great medicine for us all to be together missing him!
So i have this huge thank you, for the poeple who made it out, the people who brought food and to Chad and Clark for their time and efforts to make it such a fairytale adventurous day! It was perfect and it was more than i ever dreamed it could be to celebrate Colin's 30th Birthday! I am blessed with the most wonderful people in my life...Colin and I knew very well that we were and I AM the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by the great friends in my life!

So as i enter into another one of those impossible weeks, with thoughts of joy and sadness mixed...it's another one of those Firsts that sting really bad...I Miss you my dear sweet Colin, I hope Jesus takes care of that HUGE 30th Birthday Party Bash on my behalf!!! My wish would be to be apart of it somehow, only for a minute! Leave a candle still lit on ur cake for me, k?! XOXO

Happy Monday!
Love, Melissa

Here and Now...

You have no idea how good it feels to clean the house, top to bottom, with as little interruption as i had this morning..Keegan just following me with his little cloth, dusting and cleaning everything i was! It was awesome, the music was up so loud and we just went to it! I have a dream to one day have the house actually stay clean for an entire day but as long as i have two energetic hurricanes in my house, my dreams will have to be put on hold....i'm positive most of you mom's reading this can relate exactly to what i'm saying! It just feels good to feel good...to be productive. The kids have been playing tag with a nasty chest cold for the past few weeks, so with the cold weather thrown in to that mix, we were a bunch of caged animals, as again, i know so many of you can relate! At least we're not alone right?! We're all pretty much in the same boat, but i don't think it makes it any easier for any of us!
I need to paint a picture for you...i'll do my best to describe it exactly the way i witnessed it. I was in our office, checking my email, listening to some tunes, and usually where the music is, Keegan and I aren't too far behind boppin' to the beats. So as he was dancin' he climbed up onto the loveseat behind me, and stood on the sidearm, it's flat and right up above it is a beautiful picture of our dearest Colin all decked out in his uniform and smiling so magestically! My dearest Keegie Bear puts both his arms up with his hands on the wall, one on either side of the picture, where he starts to have quite a detailed conversation with his Daddy. Telling him about the cars he was playing with, asking him if he was a Policeman and now that he was in heaven, was he still Police?! Then he starts to talk and then giggle, all the while still very intently starring into Daddy's picture...not at all aware that i was watching him with tears in my eyes. I find myself in this default setting, I just still think that maybe he'll come walking in the door, that this wasn't our life, that i didn't have to be the one to lose my love~some of our days with being sick were so long, i remember when Colin and I would be wishing away the time until the kids were in bed, we would pack all of us up and just take a drive and see what fun we could have and where we would end up. So that's what i did, but it just wasn't as fun as it once was...and the boys just wanted to go back home, so i explained to them that we were taking the long way around:) That seemed to appease them and give me a few minutes of peace and quiet, well maybe not quiet, but all i had to do was drive and nothing else! I am trying so desperately to enjoy these times with my boys, but this life was never meant to be spent alone. The beauty of how God created family, the essance of a family unit, i'll never take it for granted again. If God would allow for that unit to be repaired and restored in our lifetime, i guess i'll have to keep seeking Him for our direction, wherever that may take us! I guess i just gotta keep pluggin away...making sure i see the many, many things to be so thankful for...especially when the days feel like years!
The house is quiet, Keegan is having a nap, i'm done cleaning...and i only have about a 45 minute window of some quiet, i'm gonna go enjoy that right now!
Happy Weekend!
Love, Melissa
ps..thanks for thinking to my random thoughts, just what's on my heart right at this moment!

It's the end of a busier than normal week for us...and it's snowing again! I managed to be organized enough to get my grocery essentials before it got ugly! That almost never happens! Yesturday, from inside our warm, cozy house, as i watched the snow start to fall...i was smelling homemade chicken soup from the slow cooker, freshly baked oatmeal cookies and my coffee, wishing SO much to look forward to someone coming home at the end of the day to share it all with. It was just one of those lonely days i guess. BUT the boys were hungry and ate lots and lots, so i'm not complaining, i did something right, and at least their bellies were filled and we were all warm and cuddled up!
As for this past week...Dad and I had a meeting for the RELAY 4 LIFE through the Canadian Cancer Society) happening locally at the end of May. This year, they asked Dad and I to be the Honorary Co-Chairs for the event! What an absolute honour it is for both of us to be apart of such an inspiring group of people. Mixed with cancer survivors and people affected in some way by the disease. What an amazing way for us to give back and make change happen in our community! I am planning on posting a link and more info on the event or about how you can get involved and register your teams, if you feel you want, too!
Wednesday night was the annual Police Parade held at the Cypress Centre. A chance for the department and their families to get together all dressed up and looking great, might i add, and hear about the previous year and the year ahead. What an incredible group of officers who make up this Police Family...it made me miss the life we would've had being apart of it...Colin was watching though, of that i'm sure! I had the oppertunity to sing O Canada, which was fun, but it was bittersweet. Last Year Colin was apart of his first and last Parade, i'm so grateful he was able to do that, but i wish it wasn't just one year! This past November marked Dad's 30th year in Policing...so it was great to have our whole family there to watch him march and show him how so very proud we are of him!

This week my little Keegan has had this awful chest cold that's making it's rounds, so i've been trying to make sure he's getting better and not any worse, hopefully he can kick it soon!
I wanted to share this quote i read from Oswald Chambers, he wrote one of my most favorite devotional books, and it reads, "We do not need the Grace of God to withstand crises - human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatureal grace of God to live 24 hrs of every day, as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God - but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people - and this is not learned in 5 minutes." The thing that spoke to me about that and the thing that i'm learning so clearly is that i never dreamed how hard it would be to walk through Colin's journey and his fight to the end with his disease...but honestly, i was never fully prepared for how difficult the "after it all" would be. I mean, spiritually, with others carrying us on prayer and surrounding us both physically and spiritually...now, i have to do it on my own. My relationship with God has grown, changed, bloomed, and stretched me to limits i never thought possible, but it is my own...and now is where i have to dig in and get dirty and keep going, praying like crazy i'm prepared for any other battle that comes my way! This has been the most difficult but the most beautiful part of my journey. Most days i go to bed feeling like i've failed miserably in more ways than i can count, but knowing that only God can fill where i come up painfully short, and that He will grant me another day to try again! There is true beauty in ashes, i've never understood that statement so clearly. So as this month of January is usually the longest month at the best of times, the plan is to pray for the "me" to step aside and let God do the extraordinary however He see's fit to do so!
Keegan's sound asleep and it's time for me to have some warm soup and get under a blanket for some quiet time of my own!
Keep warm! Enjoy the day, hopefully from an inside spot!
Love, Melissa